End of the month

Well, the end of the month is upon me and I have not met my goal. perhaps my goal was unrealistic. I wanted to drop 21 lbs this month. I have lost 9 instead. I was on the way but I got derailed last week when I came down with a bad case of stomach flu, followed by a basic case of "Becky is depressed and hiding from the world syndrome", during which time I drank and ate everything bad in sight for 4 days.

I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.

I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".

I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!

In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!

So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.

I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!

So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.

Anyone want to take bets on how I do?

As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!