Happy happy me!
I had a great work out yesterday. Lower body, legs shaking when I left like they were made of jello. Wonderful!
I was thinking last night, and this morning in the shower about what positive changes I have made in my life and also what else needs to be changed.
I'm happy now, but can I be happier?
I have written a lot about how I just want to have a casual guy friend / boy friend, blah blah, and about how I don't care about being thin, I just want to be healthy.
I wonder if I'm putting out the wrong energy by saying that?
I mean don't get me wrong...I am happy to be making healthier choices with my time and body, and I honestly do NOT have any interest in being with the wrong guy just to BE with a guy.
But am I selling my life short?
The truth is, when I really am honest with myself. ( SHH ! DON'T TELL ANYBODY!!)
I do want to be married. I would love nothing more than to be 125 lbs and happily married to a strong lovely man that I admire and adore. Kids? Sure!
When I am totally honest with myself Id love nothing more than to be a Martha Stewart/ June Clever housewife.
That's my real dream.
I think when I admit that, like right now...putting it in words for all to see...I get choked up about it.
Its like having a dream you know you will never see come true and there's nothing you can do to change it.
I can get another job to make more money. I can crash diet, exercise my flabby ass off, MAYBE get down to at least my former thinner self..( which was no where near 125 mind you), but I cant make the man of my dreams appear, kids in toe and *pouf* I'm happily married with my 2.5 kids in my country home and my stable of horses out back!!
People do that you know. People do meet those men. Successful, handsome, kind.
I realize the population of women vs men in the world is not in my favor, and it is basically like the animal kingdom. Survival of the fittest...quite literally.
I'M not the pick of the litter so my chances are somewhat slim of ever finding that guy.
Actually when I think of it in that way I get even more down about it because the truth is Ive never had a serious relationship in my life. I'm 37 and I could still be in high school for all my experience in relationships goes.
I met a lot of guys when I was thinner. A LOT! I'm pretty, so I attract them, and I was thinner so that helped, but not quite thin enough to really be an acceptable girlfriend apparently.
Well, that's what Ive blamed it on all these years. Now I wonder if there's another reason. I mean everyone says I have a great personality, I have so much to offer in so many ways to the right person..SO WHERE IS HE???
I mean its not like Ive had a bunch of opportunities either. I know so many women that have dated so much that they have at least had the opportunity to weed through the bad ones, learn from their mistakes, and move on to something better.
Where are my opportunities?
What...in the last 5 years I have dated a drunk that wanted me to support him ( 20 days), a sweet but very unattractive (and disturbingly hairy) guy that was practically homeless and made less money than most teenagers do,( about 3 weeks..maybe..) and a reformed... sort of....OCD patient that was still living in special housing for mentally disturbed people, again making the salary of a 21 year old with no college education...and annoyingly clingy and needy...( 8 weeks...including the 2 that I broke up with him then begrudgingly got back together due to friends pressuring me) which I actually would have been happy to date at least casually if he had not been totally physically repulsive.
If I'm missing something here please , someone , ANYONE, clue me in because I just don't know what to do anymore.
Internet dating...tried it....STILL trying it.
I guess it doesn't help that all of my friends accept 3 are gay and in relationships. I don't have the connections that most do I suppose to even have half a chance.
I just don't want to wake up in 5 MORE years ( I know I said this 5 years ago) still single wondering what the hell I did so wrong.
Where did I make the wrong turn in my life that led me here?
I mean it is what it is, and I'm thankful...grateful even..to have the friends I have.
I hate feeling like somethings missing though.
Why why WHY cant I meet just more people?
OK its true..I am terminally shy around new ...attractive..people. I always think they are judging me because I'm fat, and I get nervous and studer most of the time, but lets face it folks, when a guy meets a girl its a total physical attraction thing first.
After the stiffy goes away and the guy can speak, then you start to get to know each other.
This is why I think the physical attraction thing has always been my problem.
I mean look at the evidence. 7 years ago, 85 lbs thinner...men all over the place. As the weight crept back on the men slunk away.
What I have been left with are the bottom of the barrel. OK that sounds snotty..horrible...judgemental even. Like how can I judge people by looks and the like if I don't want to be judged that way?
The fact is...I AM! Everyone is so why cant I be picky too?
What I'm talking about is having something to be picky about!
Last year when I dated that poor sap I had not been with another guy in over a year. Had not MET a new guy in over a year. I was..well..desperate for attention. Sad but true.
Now another year has gone by and not a peep. No one from the real world anyway. Oh yeah Ive talked to guys on line blah blah...but nothing real.
Its been so long since Ive even been to a public place that has a bunch of strange single straight men in it that when I did go to a place like that about a month ago I literally had a panic attack!
This , I think, is a bad sign. I'm getting so bad at being around people I don't know I cant even look them in the eye without breaking a sweat. (Thank god that sweating is required at the gym!)
Do I need to get out more? New places? New people? FORCE myself out of my comfort zone?
I guess if I don't I'm never going to meet anyone.
And obviously I do want to.
Despite what all of the above might lead the reader to believe I am happy. :)
Maybe I just need attention!!
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