Technically I’m not until 5:23am, but yeah...I’m 50.
I’m upstairs in the den at my parents house. Mom just went to bed. We were watching Bugs Bunny cartoons that my love uploaded to his Plex account for me. It’s one of the rare things we can both watch without me having to think through the language or subject matter. Bugs Bunny is a universal offender and defender at the same time. I’ve definitely decided...Bugs Bunny for president!
Ugh...the world.
So I’m 50. Fuck...I’m actually 50.
“How old are you?”...”ummm...50...”
I wish Ray was here. Or I was with him. In his world.
The world keeps getting worse by the day. States are literally considering making the police a non thing...as in no police...
In my neighborhood that would mean total chaos. Murder, robbery, rape, fires, looting. Yup.
I feel like we are literally witnessing the end of days. Who knew I’d be alive for that. No one ever thinks they will be. It’s always, “ you never know”, then you go to work and play and life goes on, but life is not going on anymore.
I know I said I’m going to go for the positive so here goes.
I’m 50. So yeah I said before that I’d never see 50 and here I am. Not only am I actually alive, but I have my own business (albeit struggling right now) , I’m still not as heavy or out of shape as I once was, and yes, it’s still so much more than I was last year but I have noticed a small improving trend in the last month of losing 1 lb a week solid. I lose a chunk then gain some back, but overall I keep one small pound off.
On the positive side, if I keep that up, I’ll lose 52 pounds in a year, which would put me way past my goal.
Positive- I spent the afternoon at the pool. Yes it was only because I had no work, but it was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect, and the sky was so blue it almost looked periwinkle. Plus I get to do it again tomorrow.
Positive- I have a training session tomorrow and even though I thought about canceling, I realized that I need it, and want it, I kind of wish it was with Lieanne and not the new guy, Mike ( lord why did he have to have that name), but he’s good and has new ideas, and maybe I need that change.
Change, after all, is very hard for most people. I admit I am very resistant to change in general, even though I desire change for myself in general. It really makes no sense. You literally can’t have the cake and eat it too if you want to lose weight and be in better shape.
I hope this year i will have better grasp with change, a better way of communicating, and a higher lever of tolerance when things don’t go my way.
I want to listen more and talk less. Or at least more thoughtfully.
I want to let go of some things in my past that I know still hold me back in my life.
I want to trade in a little bad for a little good in my day to day lifestyle.
I want to sell my house, and move up here permanently.
I want Ray to let me in more and hopefully make things permanent, officially, as in, I hope within this year he asks me to marry him.
God even writing that feels weird.
There’s more to say, but it’s 12:43 AM and I’m tired..and old...
I’m 50.
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