Rethink what you think

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last few weeks...well, months really, and how my level of patience has been dwindling.
I’ve also been thinking about how I might be being a tad self absorbed right now.

Yes, I’m depressed. I am turning 50 in 3 days and there will be no party, no friends to hang out with, no going to dinner, and no gifts, (although I don’t really care about that part...other than flowers..I really hope I get flowers), but the world is in turmoil and everyone is freaked out.

I get all that, but I think what is really bothering me is that no one has planned anything. Like before this all happened. Could I be in for a surprise? Unlikely. My sister Beth called me on the way home from work today asking me who she should reach out to to possibly come over to my house this Saturday and hang out, outside (safety social distancing....god I’m so sick of that phrase), so no, I don’t think that there’s been much thought about me and my 50th.

The year Andy turned 50 I was trying to be involved with the planning but I was shut out of that, so I went through all my old photos and dug up as many as I could for Andy and friends in the hopes of having them play during the surprise party. Even that was thwarted, but I did get the photos to him.
Same thing with Elise. I tried to be involved but they all planned a trip that I could not afford so I didn’t go. Which she recently brought up. Pissing me off. She gets mad if we don’t come to things we can’t afford...ugh...another story...

The point is I made an effort. Even if they didn’t know it. I did. I always do for people’s birthdays because I think birthdays are very important. It’s a time to reflect and celebrate your life, hopefully with friends and loved ones.

Loved ones. Ray...my love. I’ve been particularly hard on him recently. To be fair, he has not been easy to deal with, but I know I need to be patient. If I really love him, I need to see him and his side of things and let him work things out.
I read my posts from the past few months and I think if he ever saw them it would upset him, but I didn’t delete them because at the time they were written that’s how I was feeling, and this is after all, a record about me. Which is why I’m glad that no one ever reads it.

Side note- I really should back up all this stuff. I’ve been writing in it for a very long time.

Anyway, self absorbed. Yeah, I think I’m making it worse by dwelling on the bad stuff, but I can’t seem to help it. I fucking seriously depressed.
I feel like if just a few small things were going better it would make such a huge difference. I need attention that I’m not getting (different kinds from different people) and I can’t fault people for that.
I do think I’m being shown who really are my friends though. There have never been a lot and there are fewer by the day.  That’s ok...quality over quantity, right?
My training has been going ok but my weight is just sitting there and this is not where I want to be. I know no one can change that for me, but the depression is seriously not helping that at all. I’m struggling. I feel like I’m drowning and no one even knows I'm in the water.

I’m headed to my moms tomorrow. My birthday weekend compromise...like so many I feel like I have been making... is that I am going up there for 2 full pool days by myself, and coming home Saturday to be with Ray since he doesn’t like the pool.
Yeah this is part of the depression...knowing that I’ll likely never be able to enjoy those kinds of things with him and not knowing if I can really deal with that for the long haul...but really, if we can work around these things together it seems like it could be ok.
Nothing is perfect. God knows I’m not.

I’m going to bed tonight hoping to wake up tomorrow with a better attitude. Just decide to be happy and grateful for what I have, and enjoy the time at the pool with my mom, then enjoy the weekend at home with my love.
It could be worse. If anyone read this they’d probably think I was a selfish bitch, so instead of reinforcing that behavior I’m going to fight against it.
I don’t think I should not be myself, but there must be compromises and sacrifices.
I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice my biggest birthday ever, so I should be caught up for a bit.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Almost 50...