A Difficult Conversation

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. All fine, long day. We’re meeting tomorrow at my moms house after he’s done with work and I mentioned night swimming. Fun I thought, but no.

“You know what I never want to hear again? Anything about getting in the damn pool. I had to hear that shit for 25 years...”

This is pretty much the exact same thing he said to me a year ago.

I am not saying that the pool is a deal breaker, but what is, is someone that tells you they are a changed person, and is not. Someone that says he’s on board with all the things he had issues with before, but now , back in the fold, loved, and secure, is not.

Its also that same delivery as last year. We’re having a good conversation and out of nowhere I feel like I’ve been bitch slapped. He’s better at being able to say things that are going to be hurtful, or something that we’d disagree on in a “conversational “ way, that makes me feel like I’ve just been yelled at when he never raised his voice.

I don’t like that.

I also don’t like that he’s not on board with some things that I really love to do, and want to do with my partner.

Swimming, yes, but if he has triggers from his ex about that I can let it go. I’ll just always think we’re missing out on something beautiful together.

But what else does swimming involve? Being outside. Hiking, going got the beach, exercising in general. These are all things I want in a permanent partnership with the man I love.

Last fall he was all into the idea of exercising but now, not so much. These are things you can’t force in a person I know. I also know I don’t want to try to have a life with a man that doesn’t have any interest in those things.

Even if we took everything out of the equation but the exercising. That’s so fucking important to me. Not just as something I like to do, but as a thing that is important to my health and his as well.

I’m sitting here alone, very unhappy and unsure of what to do.

I had a great training session this morning and have made the decision to add another trainer to my schedule to be able to ultimately do 5 days a week. It’s costing me money, and time, and a huge amount of effort, and I would like to think that the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with would be equally enthusiastic about such a thing.
When I mention that I hope one day he will work out with me he just says nothing.

Maybe this is why he said a over Memorial Day weekend that he did not know what our future holds. Maybe because we don’t have one.