The Perfect Storm

Another month gone by in what I thought was a bat shit crazy world shut down by an enemy we can’t see. Well now there’s new crazy. 

Riots in the streets, protests. The perfect storm of crazy fueled by horrible incident where police in Minnesota killed a black man, George Floyd, on the street by suffocating him while restraining him. People are fed up, and I don’t blame them. I’m fed up too. 

People started to arrange protests. Black lives matter. All lives matter really but for now, I’ll take this. What started out as peaceful quickly went south.

Then it turned ugly. 

The storm was ignited by this terrible unnecessary tragedy, and with so many people having been cooped up for almost 3 months, people losing their jobs, their homes, their businesses, and their lives to the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s not surprising that this incident exploded the way it has. 

7 days of protests now, all over the world, all asking for reform in the police departments and government in general. The ugly was not the protests, it was the rioting and looting that of course went along with it. Businesses already suffering were smashed up and looted. 

I don’t believe the people doing the worst of it have anything to do with the actual protests, they just want to cause trouble and steal stuff. 

Fortunately enough of the good people have stuck with it and hopefully it will actually do some good, although we’re now kind of in a “where do we go from here?” Place now. 

Where DO we go from here? How do we actually make the changes we really need? Vote? Sure, only voting for the same people that are already part of the problem.

Then there’s our president. The most unpresidential of presidents ever, he’s a mess and it’s just making the USA look worse than it already did to the rest of the world. Yesterday he actually got the National Guard to break up a bunch of peaceful protesters with tear gas and rubber bullets so that he and his rotten children could cross the street and do a photo op in front of a church he never goes to, holding up a bible that was not even his, and that I doubt he’s ever read. Stupid.

I want him gone, and I don’t think I’m the minority in this. There are still a few people I know that think he’s actually done a good job in the economic area, and that’s probably true to some extent. I will say that he seems to be the only person in the world that will actually stick up to China, but.....and it’s a very big BUT...a I’ve said a million times, it’s not the message it’s the delivery. 

So often things could have been better for that man if he would just shut up. 

Really...JUST....SHUT....UP!

I don’t know what will be coming for our country, but I fear it’s going to be a very long time before we are back to any sense of normal again. 

As for me, I’m ok one day and not the next. Back and forth with charging forward and making myself do healthy things, then falling completely off the wagon. 

I feel completely unsupported. Everyone has their own shit to deal with after all. 

And to top it off I am a little over a week from turning 50. 

The big one, the birthday of all birthdays, and I won’t even be able to celebrate it. Well, at least not the way I wanted to. 

I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be right now. 

I’m mad, and frustrated and depressed.

I’m mad for not taking myself in hand months ago when the Wellness Center closed and my work dried up. Not taking the opportunity that was very much the same as I had in 2012, when I made such positive changes and came to have one of the best years of my life. I’ve tried. But not as hard as I should have. 

I have had good weeks and bad. Some really bad. A few pretty good. My weight has just stopped at 25lbs heavier than I was this time last year, and that is just heartbreaking to me. 

The post I did in February when I was going to the Gym-I was psyched, and I know if I’d been able to continue that I would be in a very different place today. Instead I just started my 3rd very expensive month of training with Leanne again,  twice a week, which while I am grateful for, it’s not enough to spark the weight loss, and although I do feel stronger than I did when I began, I am continually doing things in between time that sabotage all those other efforts.

I will say last month I did better than the month before, so there’s that I guess. Maybe a 1%.

But overall I’ve felt bad about the way I look for a while and it has not helped that Ray has been stand-offish with me. 

Something that he says has nothing to do with me or my body, but more to do with him processing all this crazy too. He’s been thrown right back into the isolation that he’d fought so hard to get himself out of. 

Being forced to stay home and be a shut in, when you already struggle with making yourself go out and do things, doesn’t help anything.

Love is patient, love is kind. That’s what they say. 

Last weekend was good. Actually last week was good. I was in bed early for the most part with little to no alcohol so of course I felt better,  and I exercised almost every day. Also, I got a pinball machine on loan which totally rocks, and MG came over. We all 3 played and played. Sometimes I still feel like I’m having to do all the work with us, but I’m trying to be patient and kind. I keep saying I love him. Not to remind myself that I do, but because I do. 

We’re all having a hard time. Even now, when things are “opening up”, it feels like we should be waiting longer. I’m slowly getting some work again and even though it’s not as much as it used to be, it’s good to have,  but at the same time I worry that it’s too soon. Going into peoples houses that aren’t respectful of the rules. Not wearing masks and such. 

So much information has changed over the last 3 crazy months with this virus. I don’t think people even know what’s right and wrong anymore. 

Well they know some things are wrong. And the world is showing up to scream it. I saw the news just now. A small bit...(I don’t watch too much it’s just...well...too much) but people all over the world are having protests sparked by this mans wrongful death at the hands of this cop that had apparently been shady for a while. 

So what can come out of this? Hopefully they will be screening applicants better when hiring police officers. Mental health needs to be a priority, not just physical health.

Chances are, if this guy had been really looked into this would never have happened. 

I mean the guy died on the street in broad daylight with people gathered filming the whole thing. The guy begged for his life. Called to his mamma. It was horrific to see. 

The fact that the world is now waking up to these injustices because of his death can be the only blessing in it. 

He was indeed the sacrifice that we needed I guess. Horrible. 

It won’t change everything or everyone, but in the midst of all the rest of this chaos I hope that we can find some peace with each other and make the world a tiny bit better for everyone. 

The perfect storm. Maybe it will wipe the earth clean. Sometimes I think the earth, or God maybe..is just straight up pissed off at the mess we’ve made of this beautiful place. Teaching us a lesson, or just simply getting rid of us entirely. Clean slate. 

Maybe it is the end of days. Did I mention the giant lizards, killer hornets, food shortages that are slowly starting to happen, and there’s that pesky hurricane ramping up in the gulf right about now. 

Yeah, happy birthday....right. It’s funny, I said years ago I’d probably never live past 50. Maybe I was right. 

For tonight I am in bed, it’s 10:45, and I had a decent day. 

I’ll try for a better one tomorrow along with the rest of the world.