The Struggle Continues

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting myself for my own life.

Day by day I do things to help myself, then hurt myself through eating badly but exercising, or not.

I'm "good" one day...even several days in a row...then I blow it out off the water over the weekend, and often on Mondays, as my work has still not picked up again, so my weekends seem to bleed over.

Like right now. its 8:25 AM and I'm supposed to be training in 35 minutes, so typically Id be heading to the elliptical right now, but I'm barely awake. I stayed up until midnight, had a party by myself, and now I'm tired and in no shape to jump on the exercise train.

Oh Ill push through it, and that will probably be the best thing about today.

I don't understand why I sabotage myself constantly.

It runs in cycles. I get sick of my behavior, or get on the scale and freak out, then I throw away all (mostly) the bad food in the house, and have a few good days, then I go to the store, (or in todays world order through Instacart), and buy it all over again.

Instacart....  Now theres a business that I'm glad was NOT in business back in the days of my REALLY bad days. If I could have not left the house and had anything I wanted from the grocery store delivered to me? No shame...no eyes of judgement peering into your cart (is she REALLY going to buy THAT??) ...Lord...I would probably never have lost weight.

I still don't buy a ton of garbage, even when I'm not the one shopping for it. I still steer away from buying sweets and even a lot of bread. I rarely make rice, and its only when I have Ray or "company" over. I don't eat beans, or potatoes regularly, and I haven't touched fast food in so many years I cant really remember when I had it. Seems like there was a Wendys moment a few years back that made me really ill...but maybe longer than that. OH! In 2018 on the ride to the beach Anne and Vic had gotten Chick-fil-a nuggets and I ate one! So thats it. Wait...also last year I had a salad, twice, from Zaxbys with grilled chicken on it . Ray LOVES Zalads and I had a night shoot so we got that for dinner. AT least it was a salad and I could see the calories before buying it. I dont really count that as fast food.

No, my issues are in the snack isle. Baked chips...yes BAKED...so not as "bad" but not good. Lets face it, nothing is good that you eat a whole bag of. Or my popcorn. Air popped but sprayed with butter flavor Pam (probably spraying cancer on my popcorn!), sprinkled with the salty -lord knows what its made of- "butter" and white cheddar popcorn seasoning, and drizzled with black truffle olive oil.

Man I could just eat that for hours. And sometimes I do.

So yeah, self sabotage is a huge issue. My 1% step back that I seem to take every week.

Gotta pause, Training time.....



Its now 1:15 PM. I had my training session but was too out of it to get on my elliptical in time to do any good before hand.

I've been in training now for 3 months to the tune of $1,200. Whats killing me is that I NEED it, but I cant afford it.

Even if my work was going well that would be a stretch. Yes I can go into debt but I am trying very hard not to. I don't have the money to dig myself out of it and the last thing I want is to end up where I was in 2016.

Has it done any good? Yes. I can tell some in my physical ability to do things, but my weight loss is very small, and I gained some back over the birthday weekend so I'm fighting that back off again. The main thing its doing is forcing regular exercise upon me, which I desperately need. The daily motivation I had at the gym in February comes and goes, so having an appointment like that is a huge help. Its just frustrating because again, I feel like for all the efforts I make I'm just screwing it up.

Attitude is key, but its very hard to have a positive outlook when everything is just so messed up. Each day looking for good things is getting harder and harder.
I know I'm very fortunate, and that there are plenty of people in far worse circumstances than I am, but as I have always said, my issues are MY ISSUES, and just because they arent being chased by a tiger or being homeless doesn't make them irrelevant.

I do need to continue the fight for positive thinking though. My Dark Side is so easily awakened.

Its dark here today. Gloomy in fact. The shoot I had cancelled so Im sitting here doing this when I should be learning how to do video walk through shooting. Ugh...I AM NOT A VIDEO-OGRAPHER!!! For the second time I've invested money I don't have into equipment I still cant seem to be able to use. It is better than the first attempt but its still in the "development phase", so its not doing me any good.

This is a work day though, so I guess the one positive thing I can do for myself today is suck it up and try to learn more about it. The sooner I do the sooner I can actually use it. Ray has even generously offered to do the editing on them, so I just need to learn to shoot them. Its not as easy as one might think.

Never stop learning though, right?

OK. Ill stop now. Im just going to be crabby today I guess.

Oh, did I mention I had a COVID19 test last Friday? Yep. It was negative thankfully, but Ray has been sick for a week and even though it doesn't sound bad over the phone, he says he feels really bad, so we both got tested Friday. His results have yet to come back.

My moms birthday dinner at the country club is Saturday and I was really hoping this year Id be with Ray for it. Looks like that is not going to happen.There is a small suspicious part of me that creeps in saying hes just faking this so he can get out of going, but I know thats not true.
That evil little voice is the same one that tells me its OK to eat Pizza and not exercise, so yeah, pretty sure it is not to be trusted. 

Well, Im off to "learn". Tomorrow is another day.