2013

Sitting here with 53 minutes left in 2013.

Here is home. I had big plans for this New Year's Eve. Well, not huge, but not being home, alone, texting my ex-boyfriend deep meaningful things when he's "passed out in the sofa".

Truth is, he very likely may be. I hope so. Not that I wanted him to be doing nothing without me tonight, clearly he's doing stuff.

I guess I hoped he'd miss me more.

I guess it’s weird that were even still talking at all. Texting I mean. I haven't heard his voice since the second week in October.

Last meeting, October 6th when I saw him drive away on Sunday morning after celebrating our 1st anniversary.

But wait! This is supposed to be about my year and already it's turned into a diatribe about Mike.

I guess that sort of sums it up.

I spent the majority of 2013 with Mike Douglas. I've spent the last 3 months without him, but constantly obsessing about him.

Actually I think I obsessed about him from the beginning.

There's something about him that I can't get out of my head and my heart. And no, it's not his dick...well maybe it is a little bit....pun NOT intended.

Sometimes I honestly think I stayed with him because I just wanted a boyfriend.

I wanted a Valentine.

I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday, for his birthday, for vacations and weekends and bbqs and parties and to not always be the single girl showing up to every single event of all time.

Ironically even though I was with him, I still didn’t have those things.

We never went to parties.

We never met any of his friends out, or mine.

Valentines day was sort of a bust.

I had to beg him to come to my parents house for my birthday, and he was miserable the whole time.

AND he didn’t get me a gift until we were at Best Buy and I told him he could buy me a Blue Ray player. He did, but then told me he couldn’t pay for dinner. Also, he wanted to “get it over with”. Nice, huh.

He took his vacation time without me and didn’t even try to go to Florida with me.

But there was more. It wasn’t all bad. I genuinely miss the times we were at my house too. (which was pretty much all we ever did anyway) Watching movies together, having dinner, hanging out, and the best sex I've ever had in my life.

 I just feel like there was always something missing. Communication. He told me so little about his life.

 There were rare times when he'd be relaxed and he'd just start talking about stuff. Family stuff.

 I'm not even sure he remembers some of the things he told me. Not because he was drunk or something, (he rarely drank at all, which I liked)but because he just goes away into his own head.

I could say a lot of negative things about our relationship, a good deal of which came from me, not just him. I became a crazy person in the end.

Driven there by my own paranoia but fueled by his need for privacy, keeping me a secret, and well, lying to me.

I'm trying to let this go.

I talk to him too much.

Correction...text.

I'm home alone on New Year's Eve for the first time in so long I literally can't remember when it was. I think I may have been 15.

It's not bad really, and well, I do have a kidney infection and all.

My own fault. I don't like the person I've been the last few months. Actually, the last 6 months since I found out about Mike not going to New York and lying to me about it. I became a paranoid, mistrusting person. For good reason, but still. I acted out on it over and over, and usually after Id been drinking so any validity in my message was always lost in the delivery. You can only flip out on someone so many times before they have just had enough.

God I just wish he'd talk to me to tell me the truth. He's never going to. I don't know why he even texts with me. It's me. He's responding to me.

Just being nice?

Keeping me in the loop just in case?

Waiting until I have surgery so he can reassess?

Still loves me and can't quite let me go?

I'd vote for the last one, even though that's injected with a little too much feeling for him. I don't know if it was just with me, but emotions ran very thin with him.

So it didn't work out. But I still obsess about him, and god knows why but I still cry over him and miss him. Fuck.

So what did work out?

Well I lost 20 lbs. 30 really but 20 as of now. Gotta be honest, not the goal I'd set for myself.

 Got a trainer. Lianne Horne. She's the gym angel. She's incredibly inspiring and I feel so lucky to have her.

That being said, coupled with the fact that my work outs have been so consistent I should have lost more. It's my eating and my drinking that have kept me from losing more this past year.

Drinking. So as I said before I am home tonight because I have a kidney infection. Nothing to do with drinking. I got it doing something stupid that I deeply regret.

In any case, I was so put out about the idea of not being about to go out or even drink on New Year's Eve that I looked up multiple sites on the net giving me permission to do it....just a little.

So I did. I had 8 beers.

That's a lot for most people. Shit mike would probably be on his ass! Unless of course, he drinks more than he said he does. I never saw him around his friends so I really don't know.

I know I drank less around him by a huge amount so I can see how it could happen.

The point is, I risked my kidneys to have 8 beers that didn't even get me buzzed just to have drinks on New Years....alone.

I stopped probably an hour ago. I'm glad. I'm not even sure why I did it. When I started to even have a drink I kind of already didn't want it.

So that's got to change. Immediately, because the only things I need to be focused on are my work, and my health.

Surgery in 40 days. I'm scared and excited and I really have no idea what to expect.

More than one person has asked me questions about if I'm at my goal weight so it's evident that I've got a ways to go.

I don't know. I hope I don't look like a freak. I don't know what I'd do if it turns out scary instead of helpful.

I wanted Mike to be holding my hand through all of this. He knows about it, and knows I want to meet him before-hand. I ask over and over and he just says nothing.

See. I keep doing it. Everything turns back to him.

It's 17 minutes to midnight. All I can think about is how much I wish he was here with me right now.

Wondering if he really is opening tomorrow, or if he's off, out, and going to kiss another girl at midnight.

Not going to lie, that was my plan for tonight before kidney sicko ness got involved, but truthfully that's not what I really wanted. I'm not so terribly upset not to be out tonight after all. And the 8 beers? What a dumbass I am.

I want the last 3 months of this year to be washed clean and put behind me. I'll keep the other 9....forgiving the last 4 months of our time together of my craziness, and his....lack of ability to let me in, and the lies.

12 minutes left.

What will I be doing this time next year?

 Will I be with Mike?

 What will my body look like?

 Will I have let him go?

 Will I be successful?

Will my daddy still be here?

10 minutes left.

I wonder what he's doing right now?

Is he thinking about me?

I hope I didn't damage my kidneys.

I hope I have the strength to meet my goals this year in all ways.

Drinking, exercise, food, and work.

Still thinking about him.

8 minutes left.

When I ask him if I should give up on us he says “who knows what the future holds.”

From him, that could mean I still love you too but I'm staying away...for?....

More likely it’s a straight forward answer. Simply...WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, literally. That sounds much more like him.

Huh, when I say he grounded me, I guess he did in more than one way.

I know I deserve to be loved in the way I want to be, but for some reason I keep thinking it’s in him to be that way with me.

Like I was always just outside the gate, and maybe soon it will swing wide open, finally letting me in.

6 minutes to go.

I need to heal in so many ways. Please god help me to wake up tomorrow with new light in my life.

2 minutes to go.

Alone. Thinking of him.

Thinking of what's going to happen in 40 days. It seems unreal. Like something that's not really going to happen.

1 minute

Mike wherever you are, I love you. I want us to be happy.

Together or apart.

 I want to heal my heart and live a good life this year.

Happy New Year baby.