FAST FROWARD 1 YEAR LATER
Well I never got back to my post. Now its New Years Eve of 2017.
I can sum up the rest of 2016. After being stood up in the spring
of 2016 by Mike we still were on and off talking until the end of May, when he
pulled the famous disappearing act again.
Devastated again as usual, I went months recovering from it and
trying to date other people.
I met a guy mid-summer named Andrew Bedson. He was tall dark and
handsome and I thought we had really hit it off, but unfortunately I was wrong
because after about 2 months he ended it saying he didn’t think we have any chemistry.
Actually that’s not right, I ended it and he followed up by say in “yeah I was
going to anyway …” a month later I saw him on Facebook in “relationship” with a
chick that was on his page when we met. Who knows why we didn’t hit it off but
I was OK with it because 2 days after that was over guess who showed up again?
Mike of course.
Again for about a month before I busted him out for lying about
going to his step fathers birthday dinner and breaking plans with me to do it.
His step dads birthday is in June. I knew it because Id remembered a text conversation
we had where he said he was going to play poker at his house for his birthday
on June 17th. Then I FOUND the text conversation, then I looked up
his step dad on line to be sure and of course, June 17th is his
birthday.
When I confronted Mike about this he got pissed off and hung up on
me, disappearing again.
I went through the same sadness I go through every time, but not
having seen him in a year at that point I felt like it wasn’t as bad as it had
been, and soon I was trying to date other people again.
So there is where I was on New Years Eve of 2016 going into 2017. I
was heading out to a party up the street at Beth and Johns. I wanted to start fresh
and dive into a new year with hope and peace in my heart and I really didn’t have
either of those things. I missed Mike, and I was just lonely, period. Dating or
trying to date seems like it was going nowhere and I was just sad.
The only good thing was that my break in the fall of 2016 with
Home Tour America did not detour my business but ignited it, and I was on my
own for the first time in 2017.
That party was fun, but it was not what I wanted to be doing.
I did miss him… Mike…terribly. I even texted him New Years day but
of course no answer. I knew he was with that girl, whoever she is / was and I
was so heart sick.
The girl…
So part of what was happening in the fall of 2016 when he got back
in touch with me was that he had met someone and was dating her. He said it was
nothing serious though, but something told me otherwise. He liked this girl,
and I knew in my heart the plans that he broke with me were because of her.
I met a guy In December named Joey that stung me along for about 3
months and I was stupid gullible to go along with it. Texting me every day and
such but only meeting me a couple of times. The last of which was dinner at my
house and we made out like crazy, then he left. The next time we talked he said
he had to move out of state. This guy I seriously think may have either been
married or had a girlfriend, I don’t know, but I guess my dating experience and
communications with Mike over the years was such a normal thing to me it didn’t
seem strange that he only called me while he was walking the dogs, or that he
only saw me coming home from work, . Just shady stuff like that. So by April,
of 2017, I was so over dating anyone that I had taken my profile down and was
just going to be alone. I was not happy, but not horribly sad either, and I was
busy. REALLY busy with work. This was great, but it was not helping me to curb
my drinking.
I spent 2017 doing the same things I did in 2016. Drinking pretty
much daily and snacking. I did manage to lose some weight again, and got down
to 219 ish, but am now back to 229. I am grateful its not 240 and am once again
determined to make a change this year.
But Im getting ahead of myself.
In April of 2017, Mike showed up again. Almost to the day of when he
messaged me the year before he did it again, and just like that time before we
went from texting to talking and wanting to see each other right away, but something
was different. He was hiding something. I couldn’t prove it but I felt it and
once when we were on the phone at night all of the sudden I heard a woman voice
in the background, acting surprised and starting to say something like…”What
the hell…” and then he hung up the phone.
I sat there and was just stunned. That was the girl. It HAD to be.
I waited. He texted me a few minuted later saying that he was in the bathroom
and that the phone had fallen on the floor.
I said,.. Mike…I HEARD HER.
A minute or so passed. He responded that it was a friend and his
girlfriend that had stopped by. I said, “and they just walked in the door
without knocking?” Realizing then he’d said he was in the bathroom so I said, “and
she walked in on you in the bathroom??”
He went into defense mode saying I could either believe him or
not.
I wanted to believe him so much. I knew he was lying but I still
wanted to see him so I let it go.
I figured if I could see him in person and talk to him and SEE his
face while doing so I would know if he was lying. He’d told me they were broken
up, but yet there was this chick just coming into his house.
I was hurt and felt stupid, but I continued to talk to him until
you guessed it, he disappeared again at the end of May, just like the year
before.
This time I was just devastated. Partly from my own stupidity and
partly from the thought that he had let someone in his life so much that either
she lived there or at the very least felt comfortable enough to just walk in
unannounced. Id never had that with him. I wondered what was so special about her
for him to let her in like that, and it made me feel like I was just this fat
lonely person that would never meet anyone and was always going to be alone. I
had a hard time of it for longer than I had since we first broke up.
I tried to jump right back into dating on line, and met 3 people.
One of which I actually liked, but turned out to be a train wreck of course. I
spent the summer struggling with this and drinking every day. I have been
faithful with my exercise still so have managed to maintain the weight loss
again to a degree, but its pretty clear that I need to make some major changes
in 2018.
So fast forward to October, yes, he texted me again. This time
saying that he was “sorry for all the bullshit.” Again, like every time before
we were hot and heavy right away, and this time I actually SAW him. December 2nd.
He came to my house. Having him here was so surreal. It was the first time he’d
been here since he walked out the door going to work on the morning of our 1
year anniversary. We had lunch. Then we came back here and fooled around. Naked
in front of him for the first time in 2 years. It felt amazing and I was so
happy when he left.
Again, I thought, this is it. This is FINALLY it. So now its New
Years Eve and guess what? No Mike. Are we still talking. Barely. He told me
like 3 days ago that he just wants to be friends. SERIOUSLY. I have cried more
in the last few days than I have…well…since last Spring.
I don’t want to go into 2018 like this. I had thought we were
going to spend this night together and wake up tomorrow with hope and a full
heart for the coming year. Instead Im sitting here at almost 6:00 PM, still in
my pajamas form last night, and just tried to call him. Left him a tearful
voicemail wishing him a happy new year.
Now I'm about to get in the shower to go to Jennifer and Isaacs
house for a little game night party. I wanted to do this though because I
REALLY am going to turn this around in 2018. I'm not saying I will be getting
rid of Mike, but I will be putting myself first and making changes. Drinking –
the biggest one. I wont say I'm going to quit, but I cant keep going on the way I
have been. I'm making myself miserable and its time to stop. I have been so sad
these past few days its like a noose around my neck and I want to cut that
rope. I am going to dedicate myself to ME this year. I hope to have something better to report this time next year. I really do. I don't know if I should even try to hope for a relationship. I think its far more important for me to fix ME and be OK with NOT having someone in my life. As far a Mike goes....well...I still don't want to let him go, but I cant have him either and certainly cant just be his friend so I will have to learn to do that too and for good.
I WILL have my life back in 2018.
Happy New Year.
