New Year’s Eve 2019

It’s here again. That time I reflect on the year gone by.

As I do every year, I just read through last years post, and the year before. Last year I was beginning the road to recovery from a year of darkness....wait...5 years of darkness really. I was positive and determined to make the changes I set out to do.

So what did I do?

Well I have to say the year actually started out pretty good. I was following my path. Stopping drinking so much, exercising regularly again, and reigning in my eating. My business was humming along too, and I finally felt like I was able to breathe.

January I was on the right track again, FINALLY!

Also, I’d given myself a year of no dating, something I sooo do NOT regret as lonely as I was. I needed that. I’d spent a year morning a life I was never meant to have with a person who is evil and sick, and I can honestly say now that I feel lucky to NOT have ended up with him...he who shall not be named....heh...Voldemort!

As I stated in my post last year, if he’s mentioned, I hoped it was to say how I’d had a day where I woke up and realized I had not thought about him the day before. Well, I’m happy to say that has happened! As a matter of fact today when I was thinking about starting my entry, I had to think about whether I’d had days when he didn’t cross my mind and yeah he’s still there in a dark corner, lurking like the spawn of hell that he is, but it’s not something I thought about all the time. Just in passing, and more because of certain things that were happening at that time.

He has been a topic of conversation, but he had to be to some degree, because I met someone.

Yup. I surely did....but I am getting ahead of myself.

I put myself back on line at the beginning of February.

I’d thought about waiting until I lost some weight, because truthfully I was not feeling my best in the looks department, but I my spirit was finally healing and so I did it.

One of the changes I stated that I wanted to make, and actually have been successful with, is not to wait for life to come to me. I was going out to my pinball league by myself, and trying to be more social in general. Something that had all but died in 2018. Dating again, or at least starting the meeting and talking process again, seemed like the right thing to do too.

What I did not want, was to jump into something with anyone too quickly. I thought it would be a better idea to date a few people casually. No sex, dating only, really getting to know people, and in the process learning to trust again.

I also had a strict process I decided to use to weed out the garage. Talk on the phone for a week, FaceTime so I can see them before meeting, and when I meet them, not more than 2 drinks so I can keep my wits about me. I mean after all, it had also been nearly2 years since I’d had sex so along with feeling better in general, I was quite frisky!

All this assuming I actually met someone I liked, I was determined to wait. Really WAIT to get to know someone. I mean, yes, I’d done that years before with every guy I’d met for the most part, but somehow I’d missed things I guess. In any case, I figured that was still the way to go, So when I met a guy in the first 2 days of being on line, I took note to be cautious, not get excited, and to use this as a start.

I ended up meeting him a week in. I’d done the talking. The face timing, and I admit I was more excited than I needed to be which just made my disappointment all the more severe when we met in person and he was not only a for shorter than he’d said he was, but was also sporting a fabulous rack of rotten bottom teeth.

I know, that’s really shallow. I get it, but it was the fact that he lied about these things more than the fact of them in general. I went to the bathroom in the restaurant and almost cried. I thought in that moment “ this is it. This is what I’m meant for. It must be because it keeps happening “ so instead of walking out, I decided to get shitty drunk and make the best of it.

I guess it went better than I thought because the next day when I told him I wanted to just be friends he was very disappointed. Pissy even.

I’d met him up in Marietta so when I got home I got in the hot tub and looked at they sky thinking...”where are you? Do you even exist? “

I went home the next day feeling very defeated.

Monday I almost deleted my profile, but I was busy with work so I forgot about it until Thursday night. February 14th. Valentines Day. The Bain of my existence my entire dating life. The Hallmark holiday created to make people in love spend more money on roses and make people like me feel more alone than ever. A yearly reminder that I am loveless.

Laying in bed that night I did my usual routine. Tv on but not watching it. Put lotion on my feet. Open iPad to poke around until I get sleepy.

Ok Cupid - the dating website of choice for the moment ...’sigh...ok I’ll look one more time before I delete my account’

And there he was.

Silly and a little arrogant in the approach, but funny. The funny is what drew me in. He sent me a message and I responded. Next thing I knew 3 hours had gone by and I was going to be sleep deprived in the morning, but well worth it.

Two days later we met. I broke all the rules I’d set from minute 1. I did manage to speak to him on the phone briefly an hour or so before we met but no FaceTime, and I didn’t know what to expect. What I got was funny, cute, smart, musical, caring, inventive, creative, thoughtful, caring , loving, kind, sexy and strong.

We played Pinball, talked, laughed. He made me very nervous. He kept looking me up and down. I was convinced he was internally mocking my size ( he is very small framed, and not my typical physical type at all) which is why when he suddenly laid a kiss on me at the pinball machines I was shocked. Aaaaaaand stirred up.

The next suggestion by him was to go to my house and watch a movie. Again, rule breaking dynamite, but I lit the fuse and went with it.

We watched a crazy film that he pulled up from a movie storage site he has. He was “handsy” and I was nervous, but I also thought ya know what? Screw it. What do I have to lose? So when movie turned to making out, then turned to ya know...what happens after that...I went with it, and it was amazing.

I felt close to him immediately which also felt wrong, (I mean close as in it felt like Id known him my whole life), and the next day when he left I was sure I’d never hear from him again, but the next day he called me and asked me out to dinner.

I would say the rest is history but there is a lot in between that moment and today that I want to acknowledge all of it. There is good and bad and ugly.

My year has been rough in a way because of this relationship, but it’s also been good, and given me the gift of a love that I never thought possible. He’s my love and my best friend.

Yeah...that’s a lot. HE’S a lot.

Ray. Phillip Raymond Stamps.

The month of February into March flew by. We both felt it. The crazy connection, the passion, the fun, and the love. It was there from day one.

We are from very different backgrounds. He had been married for 25 years and has 5 kids with her. She has issues with alcohol, which made my drinking al all make me feel self-conscious sometimes drinking around him. Also, he’s SKINNY and I knew from a conversation about 1 week in that I was definitely NOT his physical type. So the eating in front of him also became an issue at first, but the one rule I didn’t break when I met him was to always… I mean ALWAYS be myself, so I did what I would normally do.  I drank ate and was very merry indeed!

Until…

He told me he was still married. Yes, a month into everything he told me he’d never filed for divorce. Separated for 3 plus years, yes, and explained that if he’d told me that in the beginning I’d never given him a chance. He’s right, I probably wouldn’t have, but now I was IN IT.

The problem was that I’d made a point repeatedly that honesty in all things was so very important to me, and exactly why. I even told him about Mike, and all my history with heart break, deceit, abuse both physical and mental…everything.

So when this news was slapped upon me one morning 15 minutes before I had to leave for a shoot…well…I was devastated. I didn’t even have time to process it. I just had to go, but as the day wore on, it sunk in.  

Red flag? Ummm crazy flaming flag was more like it. All the trust I’d given to this man was destroyed in one moment. But I was IN IT. So I forgave the lie, and moved forward, but something had changed. I felt that old demon of mistrust creeping in.

A month later I caught him in a lie about a party that he didn’t tell me about because he didn’t want me to go. He didn’t tell me, I figured it out, and he dismissed it. But it bothered me enough to bring up one more time a few days later and I sent him a text late at night, which he got the next morning, and he was pissed.

We had our first fight, and it was ugly. He blamed me for being paranoid, and spoke to me so harshly (I was at work by the way so crying in someone’s basement…not cool) that on the way home I decided I wanted to end it. It was not worth going through this again. He was a liar, and was also hiding me, just like Mike.

When I got home and called him back though, we talked. No fighting at all. Just talked it out. Even this was different for me. I was so used to being made the fool and ghosted afterwards that I was expecting him to do just that, but I was going to beat him to the punch. Instead we did what I guess people in love do. Talked it through and moved on, or at least tried to. There was some damage and I was on guard, so when he started changing in other ways in Mid-May I was actually almost ready for it. Expecting him to pull away just as I was falling in deeper, which is exactly what happened.

At first I was upset by his declaration of “I need space”, but then I was pissed. He had all the space he wanted, and I was more than happy to give him more. I took the road Id NEVER traveled before and just went on my way doing ME. I tried to stop caring about him and whether I saw him. I will give myself credit for this, because in my year of removal from “life” Id found a stronger “me” and was not willing to put myself in harms way again.

The end of May: He came to my moms house for the first time under duress. I was thrilled but he was obviously under a tremendous amount of pressure that I was unaware of. A disaster.

June: My birthday was hard. He almost didn’t even go due to his Anxiety Disorder - the main reason for all the issues that were happening I would later find out. Well, that and he’d stopped taking the meds that help it. We got through it. Not unscathed, but I was happy that he came at all. Again, trying to do “me” while not losing him.

I didn’t see him for 3 weeks after my birthday, and though I missed him I felt like Id already lost him so in a way I was already moving on.

July: I saw him twice. Both times were strained, and after the last time, and weeks of not hearing form him for days at a time, I finally called it quits. Over text no less. He couldn’t give me what I wanted (deserved!) and I couldn’t keep punishing myself for wanting more than he was capable of.

The moment I realized it was really over I felt physical pain in my heart. I recall I texted him saying I felt like someone had just died. I cried for 3 days straight. Upset, but also pissed, because I really felt like I was not asking for anything out of the ordinary. He just didn’t want ME.

August: 4 days after I broke up with Ray, I went back on line, determined not to let this kill my heart again, and I met someone the first day. I won’t go into detail about this one. He was a Mike…Literally…so I should have known better but I was heartbroken, and he was there. All over me. Attractive, funny, smart, but dark. Very dark indeed as I would come to find out in about a week. The first incident that made me think “dear God I miss Ray” was our 3^rd date.

Why I stayed with him for 2 months I don’t know. We did nothing but argue.

September: in the middle of this thing with Michael, Ray called me one day right before labor day. My heart stopped when I saw the name on the phone. I almost didn’t answer, but Id always thought that we could maybe be friends, so I picked up.

We talked for an hour, during which time he presented the same accusatory attitude toward me as before, but also, was hinting that he wanted to see me. I was more hurt, and irritated than ever. I told him I was seeing someone else. End of conversation, and I thought, “well that’s that”, but it wasn’t.

Within a few days he called again, telling me that he needed to explain what happened. I called him back on labor-day. We talked about a lot of things, and he explained that he’d stopped taking his meds in April after running out of them, but was feeling so good at the time didn’t think he NEEDED them. So all the behavior, the dismissiveness, the pushing me away, all that was supposed to be because of this miracle drug that kept him on a level plane. He also told me that he had had irrational thoughts about me, and knowing they were not true finally sought help in therapy, and new meds.

For a month he’d been working on himself and after realizing I was really with someone else from out previous conversation a few days before, he woke up. He told me he loved me, and he wanted another chance.
I was in tears. Crying silently at the loss, the love that was still in my heart, and also the fear that was now there because of this new information. I didn’t know what to think, so I asked him to give me time to let in marinate.

He didn’t do that. Instead, for the next month he sent texts emails, and videos of himself declaring his love, and saying how sorry he was for everything.

Now, part of me was truly scared of this. I honestly didn’t know if he was seriously unbalanced, or if he really was just doing this truly romantic thing, knowing inside that I still loved him too.

In any case, it further damaged an already fragile situation with Michael, so at the end of September I broke it off with him. And after thinking about it hard for a week, I texted Ray again.

Side note about Michael: I really did like him, and think he’s an extraordinary person in some ways, but no matter how good or bad he was, I was in love with Ray, so nothing would have made it work.

October: I saw him again on October 5^th for the first time in 2 months, (so I guess we now have 2 anniversaries!), and it was like no time had passed at all. Oh, I was still apprehensive, and things did not start back immediately, but I guess the point it is they did.

Now, almost 3 months later, I sit here having spent every holiday with him, and my family, and he has been on board with everything. I’ve been to therapy with him, been to his house, met one of his kids, his best friend, and his other “group” as well.

I’ve been more intimate with him in every way possible, and we have the best level of communication I’ve ever had with another human being on earth.

Reading back through all this “bad” it’s really OK, because so much “GOOD” has come from it all. I honestly think I needed to see someone else and have that time apart for both of us to pull ourselves back to right again. Is it perfect? No, of course not, but I love him so much sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst!

So here we are, New Year’s Eve 2019, and Im in my office writing this while he’s sitting in the den watching TV, waiting patiently for me to be finished with this so I can get ready for out New Year’s Eve date night!

Another First!

 I’ve had so many “firsts” this year. Some not so good, but most wonderful.

Im looking forward to next year more than I have ever before.

My issues at hand, the same as always.

Weight, eating and drinking more responsibly, and exercise. Oh yes, and, my work of course. I know I glossed over all those things in order to tell this other story but it was the more significant thing, and will always be I hope.

I can tell this story and know that the issues I have I now have a partner with whom I can rely on to help me through them, as I will with his own issues.

Ray, if you ever happen to read this know that at this moment I fell a love for you that is stronger and has made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

You take care of me in so many ways.

You make me kinder…more selfless…you make me feel good. So good I forget whatever darkness may resurface in my sleep from years of pain.

I lose myself in you...find myself through you....and when I’m with you we’re the only two people on earth.

I hope my entry next year is full of the accomplishments we have done together and the love we have shared.

To my best friend…my love…Cheese Sammich!

Happy New Year