New Years Eve 2020 (Written on 12/30/20 but not "published until 2/22/22)

 Just Damn.....

That was all I posted for New Years Eve of 2020. I had written something else entirely but because I was trying to save a very broken relationship I didn't post it. I did keep it though and found it today (2/22/22) and decided to post it retroactively. I should have done it then but I cant go back. Here it is. 

New Years Eve 2020 – or the night before anyway…

Lord where do I begin….

I'm glad that I have been writing throughout this year. So much has happened it would be impossible to get it all down in one post. I’ll start with me and R since that’s probably the most significant thing.

I should back up and start where I left off in September. That last post looked pretty positive, but it didn’t stay that way. By the end of October Id broken up with R only to regret it immediately and go back with him, only now it seems like he doesn’t care about doing anything to “move forward” with us or his own progress in his issues.

We’ve had a LOT of problems, Covid aside…which neither of us to date has gotten thank God, but his daughter got it….I am getting ahead of myself.

So yeah, I broke up with him. Again. Why? Well this time it was not an argument, it was simply getting back to those thoughts about the future and where we are on that page.

Apparently I'm on a page that’s in a totally different book from R, and honestly I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

The dispute came about because I was trying to talk to him about what he really wants in a partner or lifestyle. The reason behind this was I was really thinking about breaking it off, but I just didn’t want to lose him in general as friend, and I started seriously looking at our differences. Things that would not affect a friendship necessarily, but would make a relationship very hard at best.

Noting that this time last year (all through the fall after getting back together) he was doing and saying things differently, (As in, trying to make the effort to be social, to take photos of ourselves, to call me and text me daily, and most of all to be along for the holidays and family stuff, all of which has completely gone out the window.

I began trying to talk to him about this after the birthday party mess, but really just have been bringing it up here and there along the way up to that point of the break up.

Its not the things that we like about being together that are the problem. Its everything…and I mean EVERYTHING else. Sure when he walks through the door of my home (which I always refer to as “our” home just to make the point of letting him know that is the ultimate goal) I have things planned for him. For us. I'm always spending time, energy, and yes money making things nice for us, and even sitting here writing that knowing the things that have gone on between us in the last few months I get sad and frustrated inside.

Here is the biggest thing for me…I think anyway...and before I write it down I want to express that I really genuinely love this man, and would do anything I could to make things work, but the bottom line is, I think we might just be too different.

I also realize that I have said this before. To him, and myself. These last discussions that lead to the October break were centered on not trying to make it into an argument, but a logical discussion. For example, if I like A, B and C, and you DON’T like A, B and C, that doesn’t make me wrong or you wrong or a bad person, it just means were different.

I get “pick your battles” and “you seem to be mad at me an awful lot”, and let’s not forget, “your making this about you” in response to most of my topics that I try…tried… to bring up to him.

What things? So here’s where he makes me feel like I'm a superficial shallow person, and honestly he’s so good at it…that it almost feels like manipulation. I’ve had the discussion with him repeatedly about “what if we are just meant to be friends?” and he just gets upset. I end up feeling frustrated and selfish and just walking away from the topic until it comes up again. This year, because of Covid, a lot of things had to be different. The social part particularly, and I really think he has been happier in that space than ever. I am not though. I miss my friends, and I'm getting resentful of him because I feel the constant need to defend him and myself for being with him.

The bottom line is, no one likes him and he doesn’t give a shit...or says he doesn’t, and that’s part of the problem because I actually think he does. He’s just a really socially awkward person, and seems to bounce between talking about subjects in ways that make him look like a know-it-all, or getting defensive and acting like everyone else has the problem. I know…or think anyway, that this is due to his diagnosed “anxiety” and whatever else, but since he’s stopped all therapy and god knows if he’s even taking meds anymore, it’s just gone so far downhill I'm having a hard time seeing it getting better, and now it’s affecting MY relationships with people.

My siblings have tolerated outbursts and arguments from me and while not all of them have been completely my fault, I know I could have handled them better. I think my frustrations and the constant questioning of myself and my needs (as in am I really asking too much of him) is wearing me down, and I am no longer completely sure that I am NOT a self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed person.

 So let’s make a short list of things I really would like to have in a partner. In no particular order of importance.

1.       Stability – both financially and mentally.

2.       Strength – physical is nice, but mental is more.

3.       Loving – affection. Kissing, and ya know, the good stuff.

4.       Giving – not just with gifts or flowers but more with time.

5.       Deeds – not sure if that’s the right way to put it but like the way I automatically cook and clean and do things to make it “nice”, I’d like to think when the man I'm with sees my roof covered with leaves, or yard work stacking up, that he would just go do it without having to be asked.

6.       Sharing – sharing your family and friends with me equally as I do with him.

7.       Healthy lifestyle – Supportive of eating well and exercise. Participating in it actively but knowing when to back off.

8.       Communication – Actually if there is a #1 this is probably it. Phone calls and texts daily. Yes that’s what I like. Also, TALK TO ME. Problems cant be solved by shelving them.

9.       Fun stuff/ social aka lifestyle - being outside, swimming, going to the beach, having cook outs for with friends, actually HAVING friends. Taking photos of each other and building memories to look back on together.

So good bad or indifferent that’s the basics of what I would like to have in a partner, and hopefully bring these things to the table myself.

Do I?

1.       Stability – Yes I believe overall I am a very stable person. I manage my money well, even through a Pandemic, and while I know I have a lot to work on mental I am aware of it and want to tackle it.

2.       Strength – Physical...not the best these days but making a new commitment for 2021. Never EVER giving up. Mental, yes I feel like I am overall a mentally strong person, and this year has certainly tested it.

3.       Loving - Here’s where I KNOW I am ok.  I'm a very physically affectionate person.

4.       Giving – No brainer…I am a giver.

5.       Deeds -  yup, got that well covered.

6.       Sharing – check…

7.       Healthy Lifestyle – I'm supportive of it, and am constantly striving for it. Again, this has been a hard year in all aspects but I am totally aware of the areas that need work. No denial here.

8.       Communication – Here’s where I might be TOO much. I want and NEED communication so much that I often beat things into the ground, especially if I don’t get the answer I desire. I guess I think that if I talk about it long enough the other person will magically just transform into acting the way I want them to. That’s probably oversimplifying it but I am aware that sometimes I do indeed need to “pick my battles”, and when I choose to address something, be ready to listen more than talk.

9.       Fun Stuff/ Lifestyle – All the things I listed above are things I like myself, and while I realize not everything would be necessary for a successful life with someone, there are things that I really want out of my life, and as trivial as beach trips and cook outs might seem, I think I’d really be unhappy without them. Actually I KNOW I would because that’s where I am right now, and not just because of a Pandemic.

Looking at that list it doesn’t seem to scream “unreasonable”, but it does scream “not R”.

If I checked off the list the things he even slightly brought to the table I think I would have…man….partial check for effort on some. That’s not good. The thing is, I'm not saying it’s a bad thing to NOT want these things. It just makes our future look very bleak…impossible even.

I'm starting this on December 30, 2020. R is not here. He says he’s waiting for his Covid test to come back, but I am thinking he just doesn’t want to spend 4 nights with me. He’s been absent for all holidays this year. Making Covid the excuse, but I know better. After the fight at B& Js house all attempts to be around my family or friends have ceased unless it’s just my mom, with the exception of MG and even she has gone MIA since Labor Day weekend.

Everything has changed. Our latest fight came on Christmas Day. Id sent him a photo of him and Gabby the night before that I love, trying to show him how much I loved him, and his response was like a slap. To be fair he has told me he doesn’t like pictures, but as I told him, last year he was taking them of us, posting them on Facebook,  and seemingly happy to be in them. Now suddenly I'm supposed to know that he never ever wants to be in them and if he has to be he never wants to see them. So he ditched talking to me all day and my 11:30 PM I was upset and sent him a text telling him so.

I should also add that one of his daughters, (and this is another point of contention as he swore to me that they were all being responsible, but his idea of “communication” with them seems to be a thinly veiled fly by night of just getting the bare facts and assuming they will do the right thing) tested positive for Covid, so even though I already knew he was not coming for Christmas I did hope he’d show up and the timing was beautiful. I do believe him of course, but it’s no less frustrating not to mention scary seeing as how when I found out I said, “they do know you are around an 81 year old woman and me, right?”

Evidently they didn’t. Meaning once again I'm with someone who is totally hiding me from his family, or it feels that way anyway.

Back to Christmas Day/Night fight. It was stupid, and the next day I took a bunch of stuff Id baked as well as his gift to their house, without asking if it was OK. I just texted him when I was leaving saying I’d be there. He never responded, but was OK when I got there. Met me outside. We went for a walk and talked. (he was in a mask) He even sounded different. It was all very weird. It’s like I came too close to his world. Invaded it even.

The gesture I was making was to break the ice with his kids. I got no “thank you”, no “they liked it”…nothing. And during our walk I got lectured once again on making things about me.

I went home disappointed and thinking that all that hard work baking and such would have been appreciated far more by the friends I have sorely neglected all these months.

So now here we are, New Year’s eve is tomorrow and Im supposed to be spending it with him, here in my house in Decatur. The last one I’ll ever spend here. I made plans for different foods to make the next few days, and thought of ways to make our time here as special as I can, but I feel like Im making a lot of effort for someone that doesn’t appreciate it or even see it. It’s my last… LAST.. fucking New Years here and I just want it to be special.

That’s the other big news. I'm selling the house. It’s happening for sure this time.  

To be continued tomorrow  -

(added 2/22/22) I didn't continue it the next day. Instead I just posted "Just damn.." and went on. I can tell you though, my last New years Eve in Decatur sucked. Ray watched football pretty much all night, only hoisting his ass off the sofa to eat dinner. I cant even remember what I fixed for dinner but I think it was street tacos. Once again me trying to make something special that HE loved. I do remember one thing though. I remember that at some point I went out into the back yard...the very back where the fire pit was, and sat there looking at the lights of the house. I sat there for a long time alone, and said to myself I didn't want to go back inside to him. I also remember thinking out loud  that I didn't want to have another year with him like the last one and be in the same position I was in at that time, and guess what? Staying with him for another year put me right in that very place. I'm glad I saved this post. If I ever questioned breaking off with Ray all I need to do is look at this to know I did the right thing, and wish like hell Id done it then.