New Years Eve 2017

FAST FROWARD 1 YEAR LATER

Well I never got back to my post.  Now its New Years Eve of 2017.

I can sum up the rest of 2016. After being stood up in the spring of 2016 by Mike we still were on and off talking until the end of May, when he pulled the famous disappearing act again.

Devastated again as usual, I went months recovering from it and trying to date other people.

I met a guy mid-summer named Andrew Bedson. He was tall dark and handsome and I thought we had really hit it off, but unfortunately I was wrong because after about 2 months he ended it saying he didn’t think we have any chemistry. Actually that’s not right, I ended it and he followed up by say in “yeah I was going to anyway …” a month later I saw him on Facebook in “relationship” with a chick that was on his page when we met. Who knows why we didn’t hit it off but I was OK with it because 2 days after that was over guess who showed up again?

Mike of course.

Again for about a month before I busted him out for lying about going to his step fathers birthday dinner and breaking plans with me to do it. His step dads birthday is in June. I knew it because Id remembered a text conversation we had where he said he was going to play poker at his house for his birthday on June 17^th. Then I FOUND the text conversation, then I looked up his step dad on line to be sure and of course, June 17^th is his birthday.

When I confronted Mike about this he got pissed off and hung up on me, disappearing again.

I went through the same sadness I go through every time, but not having seen him in a year at that point I felt like it wasn’t as bad as it had been, and soon I was trying to date other people again.

So there is where I was on New Years Eve of 2016 going into 2017. I was heading out to a party up the street at Beth and Johns. I wanted to start fresh and dive into a new year with hope and peace in my heart and I really didn’t have either of those things. I missed Mike, and I was just lonely, period. Dating or trying to date seems like it was going nowhere and I was just sad.

The only good thing was that my break in the fall of 2016 with Home Tour America did not detour my business but ignited it, and I was on my own for the first time in 2017.

That party was fun, but it was not what I wanted to be doing.

I did miss him… Mike…terribly. I even texted him New Years day but of course no answer. I knew he was with that girl, whoever she is / was and I was so heart sick.

The girl…

So part of what was happening in the fall of 2016 when he got back in touch with me was that he had met someone and was dating her. He said it was nothing serious though, but something told me otherwise. He liked this girl, and I knew in my heart the plans that he broke with me were because of her.

I met a guy In December named Joey that stung me along for about 3 months and I was stupid gullible to go along with it. Texting me every day and such but only meeting me a couple of times. The last of which was dinner at my house and we made out like crazy, then he left. The next time we talked he said he had to move out of state. This guy I seriously think may have either been married or had a girlfriend, I don’t know, but I guess my dating experience and communications with Mike over the years was such a normal thing to me it didn’t seem strange that he only called me while he was walking the dogs, or that he only saw me coming home from work, . Just shady stuff like that. So by April, of 2017, I was so over dating anyone that I had taken my profile down and was just going to be alone. I was not happy, but not horribly sad either, and I was busy. REALLY busy with work. This was great, but it was not helping me to curb my drinking.

I spent 2017 doing the same things I did in 2016. Drinking pretty much daily and snacking. I did manage to lose some weight again, and got down to 219 ish, but am now back to 229. I am grateful its not 240 and am once again determined to make a change this year.

But Im getting ahead of myself.

In April of 2017, Mike showed up again. Almost to the day of when he messaged me the year before he did it again, and just like that time before we went from texting to talking and wanting to see each other right away, but something was different. He was hiding something. I couldn’t prove it but I felt it and once when we were on the phone at night all of the sudden I heard a woman voice in the background, acting surprised and starting to say something like…”What the hell…” and then he hung up the phone.

I sat there and was just stunned. That was the girl. It HAD to be. I waited. He texted me a few minuted later saying that he was in the bathroom and that the phone had fallen on the floor.

I said,.. Mike…I HEARD HER.

A minute or so passed. He responded that it was a friend and his girlfriend that had stopped by. I said, “and they just walked in the door without knocking?” Realizing then he’d said he was in the bathroom so I said, “and she walked in on you in the bathroom??”

He went into defense mode saying I could either believe him or not.

I wanted to believe him so much. I knew he was lying but I still wanted to see him so I let it go.

I figured if I could see him in person and talk to him and SEE his face while doing so I would know if he was lying. He’d told me they were broken up, but yet there was this chick just coming into his house.

I was hurt and felt stupid, but I continued to talk to him until you guessed it, he disappeared again at the end of May, just like the year before.

This time I was just devastated. Partly from my own stupidity and partly from the thought that he had let someone in his life so much that either she lived there or at the very least felt comfortable enough to just walk in unannounced. Id never had that with him. I wondered what was so special about her for him to let her in like that, and it made me feel like I was just this fat lonely person that would never meet anyone and was always going to be alone. I had a hard time of it for longer than I had since we first broke up.

I tried to jump right back into dating on line, and met 3 people. One of which I actually liked, but turned out to be a train wreck of course. I spent the summer struggling with this and drinking every day. I have been faithful with my exercise still so have managed to maintain the weight loss again to a degree, but its pretty clear that I need to make some major changes in 2018.

So fast forward to October, yes, he texted me again. This time saying that he was “sorry for all the bullshit.” Again, like every time before we were hot and heavy right away, and this time I actually SAW him. December 2^nd. He came to my house. Having him here was so surreal. It was the first time he’d been here since he walked out the door going to work on the morning of our 1 year anniversary. We had lunch. Then we came back here and fooled around. Naked in front of him for the first time in 2 years. It felt amazing and I was so happy when he left.

  

Again, I thought, this is it. This is FINALLY it. So now its New Years Eve and guess what? No Mike. Are we still talking. Barely. He told me like 3 days ago that he just wants to be friends. SERIOUSLY. I have cried more in the last few days than I have…well…since last Spring.

I don’t want to go into 2018 like this. I had thought we were going to spend this night together and wake up tomorrow with hope and a full heart for the coming year. Instead Im sitting here at almost 6:00 PM, still in my pajamas form last night, and just tried to call him. Left him a tearful voicemail wishing him a happy new year.

Now I'm about to get in the shower to go to Jennifer and Isaacs house for a little game night party. I wanted to do this though because I REALLY am going to turn this around in 2018. I'm not saying I will be getting rid of Mike, but I will be putting myself first and making changes. Drinking – the biggest one. I wont say I'm going to quit, but I cant keep going on the way I have been. I'm making myself miserable and its time to stop. I have been so sad these past few days its like a noose around my neck and I want to cut that rope. I am going to dedicate myself to ME this year. I hope to have something better to report this time next year. I really do. I don't know if I should even try to hope for a relationship. I think its far more important for me to fix ME and be OK with NOT having someone in my life. As far a Mike goes....well...I still don't want to let him go, but I cant have him either and certainly cant just be his friend so I will have to learn to do that too and for good. 

I WILL have my life back in 2018.

Happy New Year. 

Starting 2017 with a purge - New Years Eve 2016

New Years Eve 2016 – I started writing this New Years Eve and was not able to get back to it until today, so here we go.

2016 in review:

Well here we are again. It's the end of another year and once again I did what I have done every year for what I think is more than 10 now, I begin my day by going back and reading my post from last year. I also went back further this time. I started reading inserts from the very beginning and not surprisingly was reminded of my constant struggle with my weight, with drinking, and with not letting things go. Also of my apparent obsession with men that I fall in love with.

 I wanted to begin 2016 the way that I did in 2012 when I finally became somewhat at peace with myself and my body as it was. I wanted to enter this year with the final step of my new and improved body well on his way to being healed, and my heart well on his way to be whole again. Neither of those things happened, of course, as you can see from the post from New Year's Eve last year. I also realize this morning looking back at things that this will be the fifth New Years Eve in a row that I have posted things about Mike Douglas. Yes the demon still lives in me, although in a different way than it did a year ago.

I honestly can't remember exactly how I was feeling new years day last year, but I know it was not good. Not being able to do anything New Year's Eve because of my leg, I went to bed early. I was sad, unhappy, lonely, and I wanted more than anything to wake up on New Year's Day with a renewed sense of purpose, drive and easy heart.

The months that would follow we're a slow trip downhill. I had moments of happiness so it wasn’t all bad, and I did manage to turn things around in June, but going in it was just stagnant. I wanted to be moving forward and instead I felt like I was just existing, not moving anywhere, and definitely not meeting any goals Id set for myself.

I would like to be able to blame someone for my depression or my longing to be with Mike. The fact that I was drinking, and snacking far too much on a daily basis has not helped. This is very much like how used to behave when I was 340 pounds. Snacking and drinking, trying to fill up the hole in my heart through instant gratification, a behavior that has continued off and on throughout the rest of the year.

I  also wasn't able to work out like I had been so I gained weight, maxing out at 240 before I pulled it together.

I'd like to blame my Dr., who I still feel like did not have any clue what to do when my leg would not heal.

Having to go back to work with a gaping wound on my inner left thigh right next to my crotch, not to mention spending hundreds of dollars I didn’t have on bandages and doctor bills that I'm still paying off was not in my plan, and Im sure played a huge part in my state of mind.

My saving graces have been my family, the few people I still call friends, a busy year with work, and my continued dedication to exercise. Thank GOD I haven’t lost the want to exercise or who knows where Id be.

Saying that I have been depressed does not really cover it in my book. There were times when I genuinely thought that I was going to have to live with this giant gaping horrific looking wound forever. I didn’t feel like I could make anyone understand what I was going through, and let’s face it after a while people just do their thing and forget about what you might be still dealing with.

I had my work, occasional “conjugal” visits form Justin, and the memory of a time when my life was so good that just felt like a dream.

I hit bottom in May, but looking back I think my spiral into that dark place had started when Mike and I broke up in the fall of 2013.

I can't say that last year was the worst year of my life though. 2014 got that prize when my dad died but it just seems like it hasn't gotten any easier.

The level of loneliness that I have in my body and in my heart was pretty deep. But I haven't given up. I won't ever give up.

After everything I've been through with all the surgeries, heart ache, weight loss, weight gain, losing friends that I thought I would never lose because of my inability to hide or swallow my sorrow and my pain and just be happy, and of coursed the never ending thought of “what if” with Mike, it’s not surprising I suppose that I was in a dark place.

 I think if I had not had my work I would've gone crazy. I would go back-and-forth between weeks of being at work with no problem and then something would happen with the leg and I would have to take a couple days off again.

I missed my two dear friends getting married Nancy and Shelley because  the day  of their wedding I had my leg closed again for the last time. It did reopen again to my

horror in two days, but somehow my doctor discovered what I now consider to be a miracle cure. It is a product called meta-honey. I don't know why she didn't discover this in December after the first time it opened, but she didn't, and so my leg did not officially closed until about the middle of March, and even then for months I was having to be careful in the area.

In spite of that, Justin, (the guy I mentioned last year as being a reason for me to keep hope alive in the form of new friendship or possible new love, and at the very least someone to help me get over Mike Douglas), kept coming around.

Justin. Justin Willimas I guess will go down in my history books as being the only other guy besides Mike that I “dated” for more than a month.

I use quotes for “dated” because he was actually worse than Mike in that department. He was OK about coming over to my house when I couldn’t drive, but as soon as  I could, at the end of January, he stopped coming to my house and wanted me to go to his. Now you’d think after Mike that I would have embraced this whole heartedly, and I did try to, but he was a pig.

His place was beyond filthy and I hated going over there. I did it anyway, or I’d never have seen him, but it was once a week or every other week, and only for a couple of hours at most. I’d walk in the door, we would go at it, and then “cuddle” for a little while, then I’d go home and he’d go to work.

This routine not only made my heart sick, but my body too, as I had repeated female issues due to his lack of cleanliness. HE wasn’t dirty, he just had a big hairy dog, 2 cats, and a broken will so he let the place get overrun with animal hair and I think that was the cause of the female issues. That and what I’m sure was a compromised immune system on my part from the trauma by body had been, and was still going through.

This would not go anywhere, and in May I officially ended it, but I don’t think I would have if Mike had not re-entered the picture.  

In March I wrote to him over Facebook and told him that I was sorry for lashing out at him in December after my surgery and that I was finally getting to be happy again and that I had met someone and was actually happy. It wasn’t completely true, but I wanted him to think it was, and I also think I was trying desperately to convince myself it was true too. What is it they say, Fake it till you make it? Well I was faking it, but not making it.

So let’s look at the first 6 months of 2016, and this will explain some things.

1: Depression after any surgery is common, but I had major healing issues, plus was depressed to begin with so that just got worse.

2: I was seriously worried about my leg and being deformed in a very delicate area forever, which would make my already difficult dating life nearly impossible.

3: Money. The surgery, the recovery, my shitty insurance that didn’t cover so many things, my house – (roof leak $1000 plus other things later this year too)

4: I was seriously worried about my work. Even though I was busy I could feel mounting tensions with my main client and even though I had planned on breaking with them at some point, I wasn’t ready for it to be just pulled away when I was having such a hard time.

5: Mood swings – I don’t know if it was hormonal because the Dr also told me in May, she thought I might be pre-menopausal. Id skipped periods starting the first of the year and after thinking I was pregnant she announced this to me with kind of a “meh…who knows?” shrug…useless…

6: The aftermath of said mood swings. My relationships with friends and family were at best strained, and I think I damaged my friendship with Alex and Scott forever, something I may or may not get into later.

7: Weight gain. The kiss of death. In spite of being back to a regular routine of cardio, Id definitely lost something, and the 10 lbs I gained right after Mike disappeared in the fall of 2015 turned into 25 lbs. I was back to 240 at my heaviest last spring and feeling like I was never going to get a handle on it. Watching it all slip away.

Suffice to say it was piling on from the fall of 2013, and every time I felt like there was a glint of light at the end of the tunnel, something else would come slam it shut.

Sleeping with Mike in 2015 was a mistake, I know it, but I still can’t bring myself to regret it. I’ve had so many unhappy moments in the past years that having that one bit of happiness, as fucked up as it was, is something I have held on to since then. Which I suppose is why, 5 months after he completely disappeared without a word, when I got a text from him I answered immediately, and why 2 months later I broke things off with Justin for good.

Im pretty sure it was the morning of Thursday April 7^th. I was on my elliptical doing my usual routine when I got a text. I didn’t look at it right away, but when I did, I literally almost fell off the machine. There he was.

I stopped what I was doing immediately and read it. What did it say… something like “heyyah, sorry I haven’t been in touch. Been a bad few months. Just wanted to say hi and hope your well.”

I really didn’t know what to say and I thought for 1 minute sitting there…don’t answer back. Just delete it. He will not text me again if you don’t answer back. But I did of course, and we were off and running. I started that day texting him asking questions about what happened, which he would never answer completely. We texted all day even while I was shooting. The day ended with us on the phone talking in a way that we really never had before. This was new. Catching up had turned into flirting, and reminiscing about the times we were together and how great the sex was and well, buy the time the day was out we were in a whole different place. Or so I thought.

We made plans to meet at my house Sunday, and for the next 2 days we were non-stop texting, flirting everything I had hoped for 5 months earlier now seemed to be flooding back to me. I was overwhelmed with joy and thought, FINALLY, this is IT!!!

Whatever he needed to work through he’s done it and our time is HERE!

Sunday I was so excited I left moms house in a frenzy to get home and get things ready. I was going to recreate the first dinner I ever cooked for him, we were going to talk, eat, and spend the night together. FINALLY, and in my new body, weight gain or not, I felt like I was beyond sexy and couldn’t wait to be with him.

I’ve never been stood up before, so when he was late, I thought, ok, he will call me and tell me something is up, but no matter what, I WILL NOT freak out on him and text him anything nasty. And he will show, he’s just late.

He didn’t show up, and he didn’t call me until the next day. His excuse was that he’d left his phone and wallet with his friend that he’d helped move earlier that day, and when the friend returned it to him it was so late he didn’t want to wake me up.

Seriously, that’s what he told me.

This is a long story, and I really want to get it all out once and for all, so Im going to pause here, post this and get back to it.

2017 is going to be good. I just need more time to get the bad out. 

New Years Eve 2016

Happy New Year. I have been trying to get to this today because I have a lot to say. I want to talk about whats happened in this last year as I always do, and I also want to talk about what Im doing tonight. I have a bunch of things written down but not ready to post, so I will finish this tomorrow with an entry on January 1, 2017, however the one thing that I want to have with the date stamped 2016 is this.

This is the year Im letting go. Im doing what Anne Marie, Luke, Dave and I did on New Years Eve of 2011. We sat out by my fire pit, wrote things down on pieces of paper and burned them. Some we read allowed, some we read to ourselves. Some were about what we wanted to let go of, and some were about things we wanted to change for the better. The burning symbolically puts the good things into the universe and releases the bad things.

Im going to a party at my sisters house tonight with Anne Marie, and I've already told her that at some point, (it may be past midnight but its OK), were doing that again.
Its raining so the odds are a little against a fire, but if I have to pull out my damn grill at 2 AM its happening.

Tomorrow I will post the huge massive mess this year was, and I will end it with what I wrote down and burned tonight save one thing. Mike Douglas. For 5 New Years Eves in a row I've written his name and I want this to be the last, and if not, let it be because I have succeeded in letting him go from my heart.

Happy New Year. I sincerely hope and, really KNOW in my heart I can make things turn around this year. I will NEVER give up!

Cheers!

New Years Eve 2015

New Year's Eve 2015

Well here we are again. Another year gone swiftly by. 

So I'll begin where I left off last year. 

To sum it up, I made the declaration to be healthy, mentally and physically. To pull it together with drinking, eating and my biggest drug of all time, Mike.

So what happened?

Well, week one of January was pretty good. I was on a great path. I'd actually started to try to meet people again to move past Mike. 

I'd texted with him New Year's Eve on the way to dinner but decided that was it, so the next day I put myself out there again.

Surprisingly it didn't take long to get a response, and although the guy I decided to talk to didn't turn out to be what I'd wanted, it was at least nice to know it was out there.

So I was feeling ok. 

Then we went to Arlington National Cemetery the second week in January to officially bury my dad. The trip was amazing. I say thank you to my sister Elise and my mom for making it this way...more my sister frankly just because she really went out of her way to make sure we were all paid for and comfortable in spite of the cost, but my mom too for just being strong and enduring what I can only imagine to be an impossible task. How do you bury someone and leave them behind?

Well, we did. In full military style and grace. Mom and dads friends showed up too, but the best thing for me was having Anne there. She was always such a light for my dad and I loved that she was able to join us in this final act of paying respect to him. 

It was days of emotion and overwhelming grief for me in the end. On the plane coming home I had my biggest moment of sadness and loss I think I've ever felt in my life.

When we got back to Atlanta it was miserably cold, rainy and just awful. I was sitting in traffic for 2 hours trying to get home crying the whole time, and suddenly nothing would satisfy me but hearing from Mike. So I texted him, and he responded, and then it was off and running again.

In the next few months I "dated"  couple of guys, all the while talking to Mike. Keeping him informed of each move I made. Getting his feedback. I know...stupid. I think I was trying to make him jealous but that's impossible to do with someone that doesn't care about you in the first place. 

Also, my life in general changed. In a good way, I was very busy with work, and on the weekends, I'd most often be with mom. She was,and is, incredibly lonely and it breaks my heart for her. 

I don't go up there because I feel sorry for her though, I do it because I love her, and I want to make her happy. Unfortunately, we seem to butt heads more often than not, so that's just made life that much harder. She wants me up there all the time. Gotten used to it in fact, but we fight. Sometimes horribly. It's so unnecessary too. 

Part of me feels like it's because I feel like she has no faith in me as a person. That every word I say has to be verified by Elise or Beth. It's gotten worse as the year has passed. 

I'm now feeling more like I owe her something rather than her just wanting me there because she loves me. It's certainly not for my company. We can't even agree on a movie to watch half the time. But she wants me there all the same, so I go. 

Hey, parents are human too. I can't necessarily blame her. I just never realized how much she genuinely dislikes me. It's very sad to me, but I'll still go up and spend my weekends and do what she wants me to do. I do owe her so if she can't feel love for me, I'd at least like for her to feel like I understand the sacrifices she and dad made for me and that I'll work to pay her back as much as I can.

She does like when I cook for her, and when we talk bout dad. Other than that, I think she'd rather not know me at all.

If I could be more like my sisters, and keep my opinions to myself that would probably help, but she raised me, so I'd think she would be proud of the fact that I have my own mind. They do as well of course, they just don't speak about it. That, to me feels like lying. It feels gross, and false, that's not me. I know there is something to be said about restraint as well, so that's something I'm working on moving forward.

Helpful or hurtful. That is where I am now with mom. Will what I say be helpful or hurtful. I try for helpful, or silence. Hurtful does come out now and then though.

I miss daddy. He really did love me. He listened to me too. Really listened. There are things, of course that i never have told him, and maybe that's the difference. I don't know. I just want it to be better. I love my mom and all I want is for us to be able to be ok with each other.

My life this past year has been work/mom/work/mom/work/mom. Any social life I used to have doesn't exist anymore. I think I've been out a total of 12 times in the past year and a chunk of that was DragonCon (yay! I finally made it !) and a few weeks in September when Beth and John had to be up at my folks house to get ready for their wedding. Which ended in the last, and best night I had in 2015, which was my last night with Mike.

So what happened with Mike. 

Jesus I'm not sure I can even talk about it still. I am not as heartbroken as I was at first, largely due to a new presence in my life, Justin, but it's still there. Unresolved. As it will always be I guess. 

We had a build up, and finally saw each other again in April. It was like we had never been apart. Then he disappeared. I got mad and hurt of course, then things started up again in late August. Then, finally the last weekend in September, we were together again. When I say night was like a movie it really was. We laughed, we cried. We even had a moment when my favorite Radiohead song -Fake Plastic Trees, was playing, where I was laying on his legs and looking up at him and I said, "do you think we were just bad timing?" And even he ...as much of a cold hard ass as he is...got teary and said, "yeah maybe"

Ugh. It brings me to tears now just thinking of it.

But what follows doesn't. We went on taking, flirting, making plans, but never could seem to work it out. Finally, after what was suppose to be a real date weekend, where I was meeting his friends and he was coming to Elise's Halloween party with me, none of which worked  out of course, he texted me on November  2nd, (ironically the anniversary of his mothers death) and just apologized for being busy that weekend. Then I just never heard from him again. Literally.

I wrote him for a couple of weeks. At first assuming he needed space for the time of the year etc, then thinking something had happened to him, I got panicky. No response. For all I know he might be dead, or in jail, but most likely, just Mike. Mike who instead of being able to say goodbye has to just fucking bail and break me half, leaving the shattered bits again and again.

To be fair, I went in with my eyes open, it just felt like it was really going to happen. Like we were so close to getting back together and all the crying and heart ache and waiting I'd done for 2 long years had been worth it, and of course, meant to be. Not so much.

I finally stopped texting him. I did, in December, finally write him a long note on messenger, basically stating how unnecessary this all was and also, that he was a coward and a user. Words I'd never said to him out of fear that he'd get mad and never talk to me again, but words that needed to be said, because they are true, and he knows it. 

I did it in the midst of my recovery from my last surgery...which has not gone well.

This leads me to my current state of being. Surgery. 

December 2nd was my last hoorah of surgery. The big daddy of them all. The thigh lift. The risks being higher than any of the previous ones due to where it is, and the fact that it's rarely done. 

I had many moments where I thought seriously of cancelling this surgery. I even talked about it with Mike right before my pre op. We had just been together and I asked him flat out if he thought it made a difference, or would make a difference, and he said , to his credit, that whatever he thought didn't make a difference. 

Even though I know he's right, I can say, especially now, as I sit here 4 weeks in, with a giant gaping wound in my left thigh millimeters from my lady parts, if he had said even one thing that made me think he'd have been ok with me just the way I was, I'd never have done this.

Miles in debt before this but even more so now, this has been the worst experience in a personal way ever. More so because I have to do it alone. Financially it's broken me. The cost of bandages alone weekly has exceeded my budget so much that I'm just maxing out the last credit card I have until I can't use it anymore. 

Ironically if I'd not had the issue...the explosion...I'd be doing really well as most of the wounds are healing very well.

12 hours in I knew there was a problem. Massive pain and my left leg was tight as a drum. Long story short, the next night it exploded with a giant hematoma behind the incision right at the top of my thigh in my groin. I had to have emergency surgery to close it in the middle of the night. 

Once again, a hospital bill of 22,000$ of which I have no idea what my crappy insurance I'll have to pay, but I know whatever it is, I can't pay it.

Meanwhile, the re-closed wound opened again a week later and this has been the scene for the last 3 weeks. Peeing standing up, I don't even want to talk about the other mess. Bandages multiple times a day, and it's not getting better. 

Well, maybe it is....a little , but it got worse before it got better. I'm having to pound 200 grams of protein a day and I'm going to try going back to work in 3 days with no idea how I'm going to deal with going to the bathroom, or not being able to wear jeans and ummm underwear, and leaky bandages, and a slew of other things. I need the money desperately too, and I think I'm losing Home Tour America as a client as well. It's unsure, and might in the end be the driving force to get me to solicit more clients, but still, right now I just need stability. 

There's nothing steady,or sure about my life right now. 

I have a few warm lights. My family of course, my few friends who I hold dear, and a new presence in my private life, Justin. 

I'm pretty sure we will be friends in the end. I like him but we're very different, and I think I'm probably a filler for what he really wants, and he might be the same for me as well. But I will say, he's here, now, (well not here WITH me now) but he hasn't bailed through all this. We got together  2 weeks before my surgery and I told him then he might want to revisit this in January, but he's stuck around. Talking to be daily either on the phone, or texts, or both, and coming to see me a few times a week.

Granted the visits are a little one sided in his favor, but I do enjoy his company so I really don't care. 

I wish I could say something about what I want this next year. I seem to do that every year and it really never makes a difference. It's either there or it's not. 

Tonight I'm not happy, but I'm not sad either. I'm home alone, healing. Yeah I wish I was with Justin, or if thing s had worked out, that other one..

And I really wish the neighbors would shut up and stop firing guns...

Ok one thing I'll say I wish for this year. I want to move. I want to get my house in order enough to get the hell out of here for good. It might take me a year to prepare for it, but I really am sick of this crap. My nerves are shot and I just can't deal with all the crap that comes from owning a house by myself anymore. 

I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't even know anymore if I will even ever be in a long term relationship again, or ever live with a man. I'm getting older every day, and that dream just seems to be getting further and further away. 

I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic, and frankly, if I'm going to be alone I'd better start accepting it finally so it won't hurt so badly anymore.

So it's almost 2016. I'll text Justin in a minute and wish him a happy new year. I'm in bed, completely sober, anxious from the stupid gun shots, and really, all I can say I want in my immediate future is to get well and get back to work. 

Beyond that it is what it is.

Happy new year.

New Years Eve 2014 - The end of a year in hell.

New Years Eve 2014

I don’t know where to begin. I guess with the statement that 2014 has been the worst year of my life. 

My father died September 6^th after a hard fought battle with liver disease and cancer.

Ill begin from the beginning though. Its New Years Eve of 2014, and I woke up this morning like I have many years past by reading the post I made from the previous year. Many times…too many times, I’ve made declarations of what I’d like to see change in my life, only to read the post a year later and realize I’m in the same position I was then. This year is a little like that and not as well.

Looking at that post from midnight last year I see myself sick, sad, tired, drinking too much, eating too much, and still pining for Mike. Unfortunately, none of that has changed.

The year started with me not meeting my goal of cleaning my act up before surgery. In fact I kind of went in the opposite direction. Still exercising 6 days a week…(that is the ONE thing I can proudly say I have not lost), but drinking a lot and just not being accountable for my eating.

My dad had heart surgery in January, and was feeling great afterwards. We had great hopes that his life had just been extended. We did not see what was just around the corner. He was tired a lot …had been for years. We all put it off on his weight, and frankly him being a little lazy…a thought I now shudder from. What we never knew, and were never told by any of the hundreds of Drs that he saw over the years, was that we were really watching him slowly die. I digress…I’m trying to go in order so I can keep it all straight.

Surgery #1 happened February 10^th. I had a lower body lift and a breast augmentation. The night before surgery I practically begged Mike to call me. I just wanted to hear his voice. He didn’t.

Three weeks into my recovery from surgery I got a bad infection. MRSA in one of the drains. I was hospitalized for 3 days. Scared to death and so sick I literally thought I might die at some point, I reached out to him again. He responded the first night then just stopped again. When I got home I ripped into him.  I sent him a particularly nasty email in which I believe I called him out (finally) for all the things I suspected him of. The lying, the possible cheating, the keeping me hidden and still dating me for what? To use me for gifts and sex and whatever comfort he needed at the time. I sent this and finally got a response. He was hurt and angry that I thought that of him, and of course I immediately felt terrible, and took it all back. So the hope of talking to him and maybe seeing him continued.

I did finally talk to him on the phone….once. I think it was March…it was right before Easter…that I know for sure. I called him on the way to a Dr. appointment one morning and he agreed to call me later that night. He did. We had a talk like we used to. Mostly him bitching about his work and things like that.  I talked about my surgery a little bit, but he wasn’t really all that curious as to what I’d even had done. I was being careful not to get into anything serious, hoping that he’d agree to meet with me, which at the end of the conversation he did. Finally. I went to sleep that night with such a feeling of joy and relief. I was finally going to get to have the conversation I needed to close the door.

A week went by and nothing. I was willing to wait then though because I was healing and part of me had a fantasy that he’d see me in my new body and want me back, or at least regret letting me go a little. My new body was not what I’d hoped, but it was better. I set a goal to work hard on getting myself straight with the food and the booze again and lose more weight before surgery #2. The second surgery was supposed to be in May, but because my dad and mom had made some other financial decisions, it was put off until November. I kept trying to talk to Mike and get him to see me but it just went back to him putting me off like before.  I was just wrapping my head around this, and getting myself back on track with my plan to lose more weight and get it all together when my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

He told us on Easter. We were all hopeful that the treatment they were recommending would knock it back and encouraged him to move forward with it as soon as possible. A thought now that I know we all deeply regret. We were only going off of what the Drs were telling us, and none of them ever mentioned that the treatment might actually kill him by shutting down his kidneys. We were focused on the cancer that was in his liver. It was small they said and the treatment was not as complicated as traditional chemo. They would place a blob of chemo around the tumor and watch it to see if it would shrink.  The chemo would dissolve and then we’d see where we were. The first treatment was to begin at the end of May.

The first person I wanted to talk to about this was Mike. I needed him more than ever it seemed. He’d been through this after all with him mom when we first met so I knew he’d understand, and hoped he’d come to my aid as a friend. He didn’t. He told me to lean on my family, then he just disappeared again. I was more devastated than ever. It seemed unreal that he could just let me go through this alone. I know…we were broken up, but I reasoned that wed kept in touch all this time and just couldn’t believe that he could be so cold when I was going through something he knew was so horrible.

That’s when everything seemed to just dive off a cliff.

June is a big month for our family. My birthday, both my parents birthdays, their anniversary, as well as Fathers day. We were prepared to see him get tired and possibly have the traditional sick reactions to the treatment, so we decided to have a family dinner at my parents favorite restaurant, LaGrotta, right before it was to begin. That would turn out to be the last time my dad ever went out to dinner. The last real well and happy moment we were going to have with him. I remember we toasted to doing it again when the treatment was over. We could never imagine that he’d be dead in 3 months.

Those months went by so fast and so furiously. We kept telling the Drs that he was incredibly tired. They didn’t see him and kept blaming it on the chemo, when in reality his kidneys were failing.

My life during all this was a blur of sadness and heartache. I was watching my dad suffer, my mom worry, and my sisters dealing with it in their own ways. Beth in her way of stepping completely out of reality and not ever thinking the worst…Elise dealing hard with reality and making plans. Thank god she did for my moms sake.

I kept going back and forth with Mike. Id send him a text telling him I was done, a month or a few weeks would go by then I start it up again. I went though June with zero contact, then in July my dad was admitted to the hospital after we finally just took him to the ER and that’s when we found out about the kidneys. He was in ICU for a week and the hospital for a week during which time the Drs danced around the awful truth. My dad was going to die.

My parents wouldn’t even believe it until a week after we got him home and he had a final visit to his Dr. He was finally told the blunt truth, but even then we thought he’d be around for a few months…maybe longer with luck. It was not to be.

We set a goal to get him to the beach. My daddy loved the beach. We were set to go on our usual family vacation 2 weeks after he was released form the hospital. The night before we left he got sepsis in his leg. Elise stayed and they insisted the rest of us go on, and that they would be down in a few days. By Wednesday he was in a hospital bed in the house.

That trip will always be so bitter sweet. The weather was perfect. The house was beautiful. It would have been so perfect for him. We had a good time through daily tears. It still didn’t seem like he could die so soon. We came home early after Elise said he was not doing great. We made a plan for us each to take turns staying up there, assuming it might be weeks. Elise had been there the whole time since wed left for the beach so I stayed at their house for the first 3 days. Beth then stayed for 2 days before we all came back up again.

The last words…if they were words…I ever heard my daddy say to me were on the morning of September 4^th. I was leaving the gym and called the house to check on him. Mom said he’d had a very bad night. She tried to give him the phone and all he did was make a noise that sounded like he was trying to speak. Then he went to sleep. He died 2 days later, September 6^th. I was there that morning. Wed come to stay the night before, and I’d gotten up to go to a gym down the street. I went by his room downstairs and passed it on the way out…stopped, went back in and leaned over to his ear. I told him I was going to the gym, and that I loved him and that if he wanted to go it was OK. He died 5 minutes before I walked back in the door.

I’d been texting Mike the whole time, him telling him that my dad was dying and he had not answered. I was desperate for comfort from him and he was just MIA. I just couldn’t believe, even if it had been almost a year at that point that wed been apart, that anyone could be so cold as to just ignore me when I was going through such hell. He finally messaged back the night before the wake saying he was sorry for my loss. That was it. I sent him a nasty message over Facebook saying I couldn’t believe that’s all he could say …more…I told him I was disgusted that I’d even allowed myself to care about him…I think I called HIM disgusting.  He sent me a reply on the day of my dads wake. Pissed off that I’d been ugly to him, and saying “what did you expect me to say…” He was right. What did I expect? We’re not only broken up for close to a year at that point, but had only been in touch really because I just wouldn’t let it go. I messaged him back apologizing…again…and saying I’d go away.

I did. The funeral happened….life got back to “normal” but I’ve been in a fog ever since. My dad was stolen from us and when he went, he took away our happiness. My mom is so heartbroken. I cry every day at some point. I’m terribly lonely and uncertain for my future.

Surgery #2 happened in November. Again, not as planned. Different surgeon and now I still have to have one more in a year if I can afford to pay for it. I’m happy with the results this time, but I now realize that my body will never be “normal”. I am hoping that I will be able to meet someone that will love me the way I am. I’d like to think that will happen soon…hopefully this year at some point… but I know I have to get happy inside again and make the changes that I pledged to make last year. I feel like I’ve been on a slow ride into the bottom of a bottle with a plate of cheese in one hand and a broken heart in the other.

My financial life has to change as well because any support my parents were giving me had to stop, which of course is fine, and a plan I had in my head to begin in January anyway. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for it like I should have been. I’m having to make sacrifices that I took for granted. The gym, my trainer, and I’m going to have to nip the drinking in the bud. That will be a good thing, and the working out I can do at home. Also my work in the last year was good. Really good in spite of all the things that were going on so it’s not a bleak as it seems, it’s just an adjustment that is long overdue.

I know I’m kind of skipping forward after my dad’s funeral but really since he died it’s just been a blur of sadness and longing for Mike all over again. We’ve been in touch again but nothing has changed. I think its just me being lonely period, and wanting that feeling back again I had when we did have good times.

Also, I can finally see that he was probably never really his true self with me when we met because of his mom dying, and that maybe he was coming out of his own fog in July when he got his apartment and things really went bad for us. When I look back and see how he was…never wanting to go anywhere and be around people…especially people he didn’t know…and pretend to be happy...I finally get it. I get it because I’m exactly the same way now. I feel like even when I do go out I can only get “happy” when I get shitfaced. He didn’t take that path. I remember him telling me once early on when I questioned why he wasn’t having a beer he said he was sad and that he felt like it would be really easy for him to slip down a dark path of drinking if he did…so he didn’t. A very wise man indeed. I don’t think Mike will ever know how much his being a part of my life balanced me in those ways. As crazy as it sounds, and as much as he shouldn’t have hidden me and hurt me like he did, he really was good for me and good to me in the only way he knew how to be I guess.

So here I sit, about to begin another year. My goals are the same, again.

Get healthy again.

Focus on work, eating healthy and working out.

Find balance in my life alone, so when “he” comes along I’ll be able to embrace it and balance him too.

Stop with Mike. Just stop. If I can’t have him in my life I must finally let it go.  I don’t want to be sitting here in another year writing the same things.

I feel like I need to end this on a happy note somehow so here goes. The good things this year were my work and my surgeries. Something I never in my life dreamed possible happened and it was truly life changing. I haven’t had a chance to even enjoy or embrace it yet because of all the overwhelmingly sad things that surrounded it, but I will in 2015 because that’s what my daddy would have wanted. He was so proud of me I know it, and though I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, I can look in the mirror and see the last gifts he ever gave me and smile. I owe it to him to take care of my body and my life. To truly make him proud and live a life without fear or regret.

I love you daddy and I will do this. I promise.

Happy New Year.

2013

Sitting here with 53 minutes left in 2013.

Here is home. I had big plans for this New Year's Eve. Well, not huge, but not being home, alone, texting my ex-boyfriend deep meaningful things when he's "passed out in the sofa".

Truth is, he very likely may be. I hope so. Not that I wanted him to be doing nothing without me tonight, clearly he's doing stuff.

I guess I hoped he'd miss me more.

I guess it’s weird that were even still talking at all. Texting I mean. I haven't heard his voice since the second week in October.

Last meeting, October 6th when I saw him drive away on Sunday morning after celebrating our 1st anniversary.

But wait! This is supposed to be about my year and already it's turned into a diatribe about Mike.

I guess that sort of sums it up.

I spent the majority of 2013 with Mike Douglas. I've spent the last 3 months without him, but constantly obsessing about him.

Actually I think I obsessed about him from the beginning.

There's something about him that I can't get out of my head and my heart. And no, it's not his dick...well maybe it is a little bit....pun NOT intended.

Sometimes I honestly think I stayed with him because I just wanted a boyfriend.

I wanted a Valentine.

I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday, for his birthday, for vacations and weekends and bbqs and parties and to not always be the single girl showing up to every single event of all time.

Ironically even though I was with him, I still didn’t have those things.

We never went to parties.

We never met any of his friends out, or mine.

Valentines day was sort of a bust.

I had to beg him to come to my parents house for my birthday, and he was miserable the whole time.

AND he didn’t get me a gift until we were at Best Buy and I told him he could buy me a Blue Ray player. He did, but then told me he couldn’t pay for dinner. Also, he wanted to “get it over with”. Nice, huh.

He took his vacation time without me and didn’t even try to go to Florida with me.

But there was more. It wasn’t all bad. I genuinely miss the times we were at my house too. (which was pretty much all we ever did anyway) Watching movies together, having dinner, hanging out, and the best sex I've ever had in my life.

 I just feel like there was always something missing. Communication. He told me so little about his life.

 There were rare times when he'd be relaxed and he'd just start talking about stuff. Family stuff.

 I'm not even sure he remembers some of the things he told me. Not because he was drunk or something, (he rarely drank at all, which I liked)but because he just goes away into his own head.

I could say a lot of negative things about our relationship, a good deal of which came from me, not just him. I became a crazy person in the end.

Driven there by my own paranoia but fueled by his need for privacy, keeping me a secret, and well, lying to me.

I'm trying to let this go.

I talk to him too much.

Correction...text.

I'm home alone on New Year's Eve for the first time in so long I literally can't remember when it was. I think I may have been 15.

It's not bad really, and well, I do have a kidney infection and all.

My own fault. I don't like the person I've been the last few months. Actually, the last 6 months since I found out about Mike not going to New York and lying to me about it. I became a paranoid, mistrusting person. For good reason, but still. I acted out on it over and over, and usually after Id been drinking so any validity in my message was always lost in the delivery. You can only flip out on someone so many times before they have just had enough.

God I just wish he'd talk to me to tell me the truth. He's never going to. I don't know why he even texts with me. It's me. He's responding to me.

Just being nice?

Keeping me in the loop just in case?

Waiting until I have surgery so he can reassess?

Still loves me and can't quite let me go?

I'd vote for the last one, even though that's injected with a little too much feeling for him. I don't know if it was just with me, but emotions ran very thin with him.

So it didn't work out. But I still obsess about him, and god knows why but I still cry over him and miss him. Fuck.

So what did work out?

Well I lost 20 lbs. 30 really but 20 as of now. Gotta be honest, not the goal I'd set for myself.

 Got a trainer. Lianne Horne. She's the gym angel. She's incredibly inspiring and I feel so lucky to have her.

That being said, coupled with the fact that my work outs have been so consistent I should have lost more. It's my eating and my drinking that have kept me from losing more this past year.

Drinking. So as I said before I am home tonight because I have a kidney infection. Nothing to do with drinking. I got it doing something stupid that I deeply regret.

In any case, I was so put out about the idea of not being about to go out or even drink on New Year's Eve that I looked up multiple sites on the net giving me permission to do it....just a little.

So I did. I had 8 beers.

That's a lot for most people. Shit mike would probably be on his ass! Unless of course, he drinks more than he said he does. I never saw him around his friends so I really don't know.

I know I drank less around him by a huge amount so I can see how it could happen.

The point is, I risked my kidneys to have 8 beers that didn't even get me buzzed just to have drinks on New Years....alone.

I stopped probably an hour ago. I'm glad. I'm not even sure why I did it. When I started to even have a drink I kind of already didn't want it.

So that's got to change. Immediately, because the only things I need to be focused on are my work, and my health.

Surgery in 40 days. I'm scared and excited and I really have no idea what to expect.

More than one person has asked me questions about if I'm at my goal weight so it's evident that I've got a ways to go.

I don't know. I hope I don't look like a freak. I don't know what I'd do if it turns out scary instead of helpful.

I wanted Mike to be holding my hand through all of this. He knows about it, and knows I want to meet him before-hand. I ask over and over and he just says nothing.

See. I keep doing it. Everything turns back to him.

It's 17 minutes to midnight. All I can think about is how much I wish he was here with me right now.

Wondering if he really is opening tomorrow, or if he's off, out, and going to kiss another girl at midnight.

Not going to lie, that was my plan for tonight before kidney sicko ness got involved, but truthfully that's not what I really wanted. I'm not so terribly upset not to be out tonight after all. And the 8 beers? What a dumbass I am.

I want the last 3 months of this year to be washed clean and put behind me. I'll keep the other 9....forgiving the last 4 months of our time together of my craziness, and his....lack of ability to let me in, and the lies.

12 minutes left.

What will I be doing this time next year?

 Will I be with Mike?

 What will my body look like?

 Will I have let him go?

 Will I be successful?

Will my daddy still be here?

10 minutes left.

I wonder what he's doing right now?

Is he thinking about me?

I hope I didn't damage my kidneys.

I hope I have the strength to meet my goals this year in all ways.

Drinking, exercise, food, and work.

Still thinking about him.

8 minutes left.

When I ask him if I should give up on us he says “who knows what the future holds.”

From him, that could mean I still love you too but I'm staying away...for?....

More likely it’s a straight forward answer. Simply...WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, literally. That sounds much more like him.

Huh, when I say he grounded me, I guess he did in more than one way.

I know I deserve to be loved in the way I want to be, but for some reason I keep thinking it’s in him to be that way with me.

Like I was always just outside the gate, and maybe soon it will swing wide open, finally letting me in.

6 minutes to go.

I need to heal in so many ways. Please god help me to wake up tomorrow with new light in my life.

2 minutes to go.

Alone. Thinking of him.

Thinking of what's going to happen in 40 days. It seems unreal. Like something that's not really going to happen.

1 minute

Mike wherever you are, I love you. I want us to be happy.

Together or apart.

 I want to heal my heart and live a good life this year.

Happy New Year baby. 

Last day of 2012

Its been almost a year to the day that I last posted anything. Looking at that post from January I see a person who was full of hope and determination. I wish Id kept up writing throughout the year because I found that post very revealing today.
2012 is ending in a little more than 12 hours. So what has 2012 left me with? Another year older and deeper in debt! Well yes, that's true. I'm still unemployed, and although I have been working on starting a photography business, I admit my focus has been elsewhere.
My unemployment ended Friday the 29th, (unless the government gets it together) but I still have options I'm looking into that will hopefully at least save my house, and one of my goals for the new year is to refocus on the business and really get it moving.

I know I can do it.

 How do I know?

Because looking back at all these years of struggle I know now that if I'm determined to do something nothing can keep me from it.
If I ever need proof of that all I have to do is look at the picture I posted in May 2011 (left), when I was considering weight loss surgery, and look at myself now. (right)

I don't even look like the same person, and in may ways I'm not. Inside and out. 

As of today I've lost 86 lbs from July 30th of 2011 (78 of which is since January 4th 2011) when I weighed in at Emory for the orientation of possible weight loss surgery....and I did it WITHOUT surgery. I've still got another 76 ish to go but seeing my progress over the year I know I can reach my goal. 

I don't need surgery. I only need myself.

I don't know that I ever really thought that before.  Even back in 2000 when I last lost about the same amount of weight. I was never at my real goal, and I got comfortable and just stopped. Never imagining that the weight would ever come back but obviously this is a lifelong thing that I'm doing that wont ever stop. I used to think that the thought of never being able to stop fighting this battle with my body was a miserable, daunting task and maybe that's why I just gave up. I don't feel that way anymore. Sometimes I get down about the way my body looks, but its mine and I know I have to love it and keep it as healthy as possible. Period. I have to forgive myself when I fall, and just get up and keep moving forward.

Admittedly, December has been a month of little to no forward progress in the weight loss arena, BUT, as my therapist advised, the goal for the holidays is not to lose weight, but just not to gain any, and that I have accomplished. 

My changes inside have been remarkable as well. I have more self esteem and confidence than ever before. I feel like there is hope for me for the future in business as well as love. 

I KNOW in my heart and soul that love is out there for me as well as success. The love part is kind of in the works, and other than keeping myself calm and trying not to fall back into old habits of self doubt and over thinking everything there is not much I can do to make that happen. 

I have met someone, Mike D., who I've now been dating since October 4th, (first date! hehe) and I really have fallen hard for him. 

Sometimes I'm not sure if its because were always basically sober together, which makes this a first for me in sooo many ways, or if its actually love and I just keep trying to justify it. Never having had it returned to me makes it very hard to recognize when it is. 

Its a far from perfect story and he has a lot of things in his life that make it complicated for us to really move forward, (including the tragic death of his mom about a month in to us seeing each other) but it looks like whatever is going to happen as far as us moving forward as a couple, or breaking up entirely (which I sincerely hope does NOT happen) is going to happen in the next few weeks. 

It all hinges on a trip hes taking to see his dad in North Carolina this Friday. 

Complicated... he hates his job, which I don't blame him for because it does kind of suck, but hes supposed to be getting a promotion mid January which will hopefully make that better. Hes also about to have to move and he says he thinks hes worked that out with a friend of his as far as getting a new roommate and such. The trip, however, is I think to see what his options might be if he moved up there with his dad. 

I sincerely only want whats best for him, and if its to move I guess that's what it will be. 

I've already been thinking of all the good things hes brought to my life that hes not even aware of, and if he disappears from it I will miss him terribly but never regret the time we've spent together. If God or the universe wants me to be with him I know I will be.

 I KNOW I'm ready and deserving of love in my life, and if hes not the one, I'll find him (or he will find me), and I'll take the lessons of my time with Mike into whatever relationship I'm supposed to be in.

I'm ready for a refocus in January. I'm ready to pull out all the stops in my business life, and ready to get back on the pony with my weight loss and ride that horse all the way home. 

I was thinking earlier as I read last years post, where will I be this time next year when I read this one? I can tell you, even with all the drive and hope I had last year I don't think I  imagined Id be where I am right now. I think I just wanted to get through one day at a time. Not a bad way to do things, and apparently it did work.

 So I'll say this, I don't have a clue where I'll be when I'm reading this post next year, but I have all the hope in the world that I'll be either at or close to my weight loss goal, that my business will have taken off enough to support me in my home, and that I'll be in a happy, loving, healthy relationship.. with Mike.

I'm ready for ya 2013! 

Happy New Year to ME!!