New Years Eve 2016 – I started writing this New Years Eve
and was not able to get back to it until today, so here we go.
2016 in review:
Well here we are again. It's the end of another year and once
again I did what I have done every year for what I think is more than 10 now, I
begin my day by going back and reading my post from last year. I also went back
further this time. I started reading inserts from the very beginning and not surprisingly
was reminded of my constant struggle with my weight, with drinking, and with
not letting things go. Also of my apparent obsession with men that I fall in
love with.
I wanted to begin 2016 the way that I did in 2012 when I
finally became somewhat at peace with myself and my body as it was. I wanted to
enter this year with the final step of my new and improved body well on his way
to being healed, and my heart well on his way to be whole again. Neither of
those things happened, of course, as you can see from the post from New Year's
Eve last year. I also realize this morning looking back at things that this
will be the fifth New Years Eve in a row that I have posted things about Mike
Douglas. Yes the demon still lives in me, although in a different way than it
did a year ago.
I honestly can't remember exactly how I was feeling new years day
last year, but I know it was not good. Not being able to do anything New Year's
Eve because of my leg, I went to bed early. I was sad, unhappy, lonely, and I
wanted more than anything to wake up on New Year's Day with a renewed sense of
purpose, drive and easy heart.
The months that would follow we're a slow trip downhill. I had
moments of happiness so it wasn’t all bad, and I did manage to turn things
around in June, but going in it was just stagnant. I wanted to be moving
forward and instead I felt like I was just existing, not moving anywhere, and definitely
not meeting any goals Id set for myself.
I would like to be able to blame someone for my depression or my
longing to be with Mike. The fact that I was drinking, and snacking far too
much on a daily basis has not helped. This is very much like how used to behave
when I was 340 pounds. Snacking and drinking, trying to fill up the hole in my
heart through instant gratification, a behavior that has continued off and on
throughout the rest of the year.
I also wasn't able to work
out like I had been so I gained weight, maxing out at 240 before I pulled it
together.
I'd like to blame my Dr., who I still feel like did not have any
clue what to do when my leg would not heal.
Having to go back to work with a gaping wound on my inner left
thigh right next to my crotch, not to mention spending hundreds of dollars I didn’t
have on bandages and doctor bills that I'm still paying off was not in my plan,
and Im sure played a huge part in my state of mind.
My saving graces have been my family, the few people I still call
friends, a busy year with work, and my continued dedication to exercise. Thank
GOD I haven’t lost the want to exercise or who knows where Id be.
Saying that I have been depressed does not really cover it in my
book. There were times when I genuinely thought that I was going to have to
live with this giant gaping horrific looking wound forever. I didn’t feel like
I could make anyone understand what I was going through, and let’s face it
after a while people just do their thing and forget about what you might be still
dealing with.
I had my work, occasional “conjugal” visits form Justin, and the
memory of a time when my life was so good that just felt like a dream.
I hit bottom in May, but looking back I think my spiral into that
dark place had started when Mike and I broke up in the fall of 2013.
I can't say that last year was the worst year of my life though.
2014 got that prize when my dad died but it just seems like it hasn't gotten
any easier.
The level of loneliness that I have in my body and in my heart was
pretty deep. But I haven't given up. I won't ever give up.
After everything I've been through with all the surgeries, heart
ache, weight loss, weight gain, losing friends that I thought I would
never lose because of my inability to hide or swallow my sorrow and my pain and
just be happy, and of coursed the never ending thought of “what if” with Mike, it’s
not surprising I suppose that I was in a dark place.
I think if I had not had my work I would've gone crazy. I
would go back-and-forth between weeks of being at work with no problem and then
something would happen with the leg and I would have to take a couple days off
again.
I missed my two dear friends getting married Nancy and Shelley
because the day of their wedding I had my leg closed again for the
last time. It did reopen again to my
horror in two days, but somehow my doctor discovered what I now
consider to be a miracle cure. It is a product called meta-honey. I don't know
why she didn't discover this in December after the first time it opened, but
she didn't, and so my leg did not officially closed until about the middle of
March, and even then for months I was having to be careful in the area.
In spite of that, Justin, (the guy I mentioned last year as being
a reason for me to keep hope alive in the form of new friendship or possible
new love, and at the very least someone to help me get over Mike Douglas), kept
coming around.
Justin. Justin Willimas I guess will go down in my history books
as being the only other guy besides Mike that I “dated” for more than a month.
I use quotes for “dated” because he was actually worse than Mike
in that department. He was OK about coming over to my house when I couldn’t
drive, but as soon as I could, at the
end of January, he stopped coming to my house and wanted me to go to his. Now you’d
think after Mike that I would have embraced this whole heartedly, and I did try
to, but he was a pig.
His place was beyond filthy and I hated going over there. I did it
anyway, or I’d never have seen him, but it was once a week or every other week,
and only for a couple of hours at most. I’d walk in the door, we would go at
it, and then “cuddle” for a little while, then I’d go home and he’d go to work.
This routine not only made my heart sick, but my body too, as I
had repeated female issues due to his lack of cleanliness. HE wasn’t dirty, he
just had a big hairy dog, 2 cats, and a broken will so he let the place get
overrun with animal hair and I think that was the cause of the female issues.
That and what I’m sure was a compromised immune system on my part from the
trauma by body had been, and was still going through.
This would not go anywhere, and in May I officially ended it, but
I don’t think I would have if Mike had not re-entered the picture.
In March I wrote to him over Facebook and told him that I was
sorry for lashing out at him in December after my surgery and that I was
finally getting to be happy again and that I had met someone and was actually
happy. It wasn’t completely true, but I wanted him to think it was, and I also
think I was trying desperately to convince myself it was true too. What is it
they say, Fake it till you make it? Well I was faking it, but not making it.
So let’s look at the first 6 months of 2016, and this will explain
some things.
1: Depression after any surgery is common, but I had major healing
issues, plus was depressed to begin with so that just got worse.
2: I was seriously worried about my leg and being deformed in a
very delicate area forever, which would make my already difficult dating life
nearly impossible.
3: Money. The surgery, the recovery, my shitty insurance that
didn’t cover so many things, my house – (roof leak $1000 plus other things
later this year too)
4: I was seriously worried about my work. Even though I was busy I
could feel mounting tensions with my main client and even though I had planned
on breaking with them at some point, I wasn’t ready for it to be just pulled
away when I was having such a hard time.
5: Mood swings – I don’t know if it was hormonal because the Dr
also told me in May, she thought I might be pre-menopausal. Id skipped periods
starting the first of the year and after thinking I was pregnant she announced
this to me with kind of a “meh…who knows?” shrug…useless…
6: The aftermath of said mood swings. My relationships with
friends and family were at best strained, and I think I damaged my friendship
with Alex and Scott forever, something I may or may not get into later.
7: Weight gain. The kiss of death. In spite of being back to a regular
routine of cardio, Id definitely lost something, and the 10 lbs I gained right
after Mike disappeared in the fall of 2015 turned into 25 lbs. I was back to
240 at my heaviest last spring and feeling like I was never going to get a
handle on it. Watching it all slip away.
Suffice to say it was piling on from the fall of 2013, and every time
I felt like there was a glint of light at the end of the tunnel, something else
would come slam it shut.
Sleeping with Mike in 2015 was a mistake, I know it, but I still
can’t bring myself to regret it. I’ve had so many unhappy moments in the past years
that having that one bit of happiness, as fucked up as it was, is something I
have held on to since then. Which I suppose is why, 5 months after he
completely disappeared without a word, when I got a text from him I answered
immediately, and why 2 months later I broke things off with Justin for good.
Im pretty sure it was the morning of Thursday April 7th.
I was on my elliptical doing my usual routine when I got a text. I didn’t look
at it right away, but when I did, I literally almost fell off the machine.
There he was.
I stopped what I was doing immediately and read it. What did it
say… something like “heyyah, sorry I haven’t been in touch. Been a bad few
months. Just wanted to say hi and hope your well.”
I really didn’t know what to say and I thought for 1 minute
sitting there…don’t answer back. Just delete it. He will not text me again if
you don’t answer back. But I did of course, and we were off and running. I
started that day texting him asking questions about what happened, which he
would never answer completely. We texted all day even while I was shooting. The
day ended with us on the phone talking in a way that we really never had
before. This was new. Catching up had turned into flirting, and reminiscing
about the times we were together and how great the sex was and well, buy the
time the day was out we were in a whole different place. Or so I thought.
We made plans to meet at my house Sunday, and for the next 2 days
we were non-stop texting, flirting everything I had hoped for 5 months earlier
now seemed to be flooding back to me. I was overwhelmed with joy and thought,
FINALLY, this is IT!!!
Whatever he needed to work through he’s done it and our time is
HERE!
Sunday I was so excited I left moms house in a frenzy to get home
and get things ready. I was going to recreate the first dinner I ever cooked
for him, we were going to talk, eat, and spend the night together. FINALLY, and
in my new body, weight gain or not, I felt like I was beyond sexy and couldn’t
wait to be with him.
I’ve never been stood up before, so when he was late, I thought,
ok, he will call me and tell me something is up, but no matter what, I WILL NOT
freak out on him and text him anything nasty. And he will show, he’s just late.
He didn’t show up, and he didn’t call me until the next day. His
excuse was that he’d left his phone and wallet with his friend that he’d helped
move earlier that day, and when the friend returned it to him it was so late he
didn’t want to wake me up.
Seriously, that’s what he told me.
This is a long story, and I really want to get it all out once and
for all, so Im going to pause here, post this and get back to it.
2017 is going to be good. I just need more time to get the bad
out.
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