New Years Eve 2018 - The last year of Mike D ever.

It’s that time again. Time to assess the damage and write about hope for the future. Again as always I looked back at the last years post and 2017 ended with me hoping to do what I always want to do - rein it in, get back to “happy”, and get over Mike.

I did not rein it in.

I did not get back to “happy”.

I did, however, in the most painful of ways, finally get over Mike.

2018 was not kind to me. Or I suppose I was not kind to myself, but circumstances being what they were it was understandable in my opinion.

January 2^nd 2018 - the year began with me having a long yet normal conversation with Mike on the phone. Making tentative plans to see each other the following weekend to have a “belated Christmas” since we were unable to make it happen before then.

We hung up and he sent me a text with a photo of him holding this baby – a child that was supposed to be his roommates , a woman he didn’t know well that had broken up with the baby daddy and needed a place to stay while she pulled it together. This is what he told me in December, and I actually did question him about it, literally asking him if it was his kid.
He got insulted, made ME cry and regret ever questioning him. So I let it go, but it was in the back of my mind the whole time.

Why? Well other than the obvious, back in 2015 when we were “together” again Id run across a picture on his dads Facebook page taken just a month before on Mikes 42^nd birthday. It was of him, his brother, his sister Colleen, and another person named Colleen. For years this has stuck with me in the back of my mind, but I knew which one was his sister and the other woman was, well, less than attractive so I kind of assumed it was his brother’s girlfriend. Had to be...right?

Over the next 2 years on occasion I’d look up this person on Facebook, who I found through the pages of his family,(yes, a tiny bit “stalky”, but every time he disappeared I just searched for any answers I could find), and her name was Colleen RuXXXXX.(no one reads this but I still want to protect the innocent). Her photo was a painted face so I really couldn’t tell if this was the same person in the photo with Mike until the summer of 2017, when she posted a picture of her with her dad, and this is when I saw the name change to Colleen D.

Again, I wondered but since she was obviously now married to someone in his family I naturally assumed it was his brother and pretty much forgot all about it, until December, when after he told me about this sudden roommate thing with a kid, I looked her up again and her profile photo had been changed to a baby. I followed the leader to her dads page and saw that this little nugget of joy had been born just 3 months prior in October. It stuck with me this time, enough to flat out ask Mike who Coleen Ruxxxx was, and was this his kid. As I said before, this accusation didn’t go over well with him, and he wouldn’t talk to me that night, but the next day called me and we talked for an hour. He told me that it was his BROTHERS wife and kid - the brother that doesn’t even live in Georgia. The roommate with the kid was a different person, and different baby entirely according to him. I believed him…mostly, but again, something just was sitting there in the back of my mind.

When he sent me that photo on January 2^nd of him holding this baby, I asked him if he was babysitting for the roommate and he replied, yes, she’s out getting some cash for her rent this month.

The kid looked familiar, and when I went to look at Colleen Ruxxx Facebook page again suddenly she was no longer there.  Did this person…this stranger...block me? Why would she do that? So I looked her up using a friends page and sure enough, there she was. My stomach was in knots, I was laying in bed. I knew something was up, but I had no idea how to find out for sure. Then I simply googled his name, and her name.

*Baby registry for Mike and Colleen dated for birth in October of 2017*

Followed by WEDDING registry dated December 3rd of 2016!

He’s married. He had been married for almost a year when he contacted me again that October, and had a 3 month old baby. The woman’s voice I’d heard on the phone the spring of 2017 was his PREGNANT wife.

He’s also, (I found after MUCH more research), been with her in since at least 2014, and I have a suspicion that he actually met her while we were still together in 2013 while I was on vacation. The last day he was at my house in 2013 on our 1 year anniversary I caught him outside on the phone with someone that he obviously didn’t want me to hear talking to. When he hung up I asked who it was. He said “My sister, COLLEEN”. I believe it was her, not his sister, and he was throwing it in my “DUMB” face just like he was doing when he sent me that photo.

He really thought ….Im sure THINKS, Im a complete dumbass.

He cheated on her with me repeatedly, not to mention the thousands of not just flirtation texts but straight up sending provocative photos of himself.

I was floored. Humiliated. Furious. Heartbroken.

I called him right then -  11:30 PM on January 4^th and left him a voicemail. He didn’t answer because, of course, he was with HIS WIFE!

I told him I’d seen the baby registry, and that he was garbage. I also told him that I had every photo, and text he’d ever sent me and if he EVER contacted me again I would find Colleen Ruxxx , give her all this information, and blow up his world.

I have never heard from him since.

Meanwhile the year began even though I felt like I was in a complete frozen time warp, and time was just passing while I was in this horrible sadness. I felt like I was dead inside. I wept, sobbed, screamed. My sadness was as deep as it had been when I lost my father. It was different of course but just as devastating in a way, because I had to look at all these YEARS of him making me feel like I was the problem. That the reason we were never able to get back together was somehow my fault. Looks, weight, personality? I was searching for answers that whole time, making myself miserable, when all along it was because he was with someone else, having this real” life”.

Marriage, a child, a family. Things I wanted with him so badly…things I wanted with someone even if it wasn’t him and now, at 48, will never have. The marriage part possibly, but the child? No.

This reality hit me so hard that I was actually seriously suicidal for the first time since I was a teenager. I honestly just wished I’d go to sleep in a drunken haze, and just never wake up.

The first 6 months of this year were pure hell. I drank more than ever. I was depressed to the point of not wanting to even get out of bed, much less exercise. My eating was out of control and while I cared about all of that I felt helpless to do anything about it.

I was able to talk to my friends and family about this at first, but as time went on I stopped because at some point they didn’t want to hear it anymore and frankly it was just rehashing the same things over and over with one exception. Was there...IS there…. actually something wrong with ME?  The thing is I HAVE been trying this whole time to meet other people. Date… have this real “life” thing that everyone else seems to be able to get to but has somehow always eluded me.

I have said this to my friends and of course their response is always “Of course it’s not YOU!”…but what if it is? What if Im so damaged, or just simply unexperienced enough at the age of 48 with the ways of dating to even really be able to have a serious relationship with anyone? Try telling a new person you meet that your dating history basically consists of 1 “serious “ relationship that lasted 1 year, and that you’ve been what Id describe as “on and off” with him for the past 5 years after the official breakup, and that is even stretching the truth. The embarrassing truth is that our “on and off” consisted of a series of him popping in and out of my life via texts and phone calls for a month or so, 2 times a year, and actually meeting up with him a total of 3 times in the past 5 years. Call me crazy, but a relationship that does not make…and I felt crazy for doing it.  I feel crazy NOW writing that and reading it back. Crazy…..

I also felt like I’d been left alone to deal with this. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I don’t blame anyone but myself, not even Mike. I could have walked away from him years ago but chose not to. No, it did not help that he always contacted me again even after Id stopped texting or calling him during one of his disappearing acts. This year is the first time since I met him that he actually stopped for good, and that was only because I finally revealed the truth about him. The gig was up and he knew it.

I do think Mike is sick though. I can’t imagine how anyone could KNOWINGLY inflict so much PAIN on another human being, and just keep on doing it for YEARS, coming in and going out of my life all the while having a completely normal, (and I have to assume great) life with this other woman.

I have always said that if I’d just met someone in all this time that I sparked with the way I did with him I’d have let go of him years ago. But he’s all I had…have….as a memory of what a relationship might be like, and that cold hard reality in itself is so sad on its own that it’s hard to even think about. But I do. I think about it all the time. I don’t want to be alone. Alone is even lonelier the older you get.

I also had to deal with this unending need to send her all this information…to ruin his life. He’d ruined mine after all so why not? Well, no one supported this idea. So instead of doing what I think would have totally cleansed my soul, I did nothing. I swallowed it…and it was choking me. It still is to a degree, but it’s been a year, and sending her that stuff now would only make me look like a crazy bitch. It’s too late. I still hold on to the information though. Partially as a reminder of everything he put me through, and partly just in case I ever get a knock on my door and SHES there wondering who I am.

So she’s still out there, completely oblivious to who I am and what he did, and so is he. Happily married, raising a child. Once in a while I look at their Facebook pages from another friend’s page (Im still blocked on both of theirs of course). The last time I looked was just over Christmas. On her profile photo - which is the only one I can ever see because it’s public - she’s changed it to a few different photos of their baby over this past year, one of which is of Mike and the baby. He’s lost a lot of weight. He looks like he did when we first met. Maybe better.

The one thing that is good out of all this horrible is that I can honestly say that I never EVER want to see him again, so at least there is that. I know it’s awful, and unhealthy, but I can’t forgive him. I want to get past it all. I want to wake up one day soon and realize that the day before I had NOT thought about him because as of now I still think about him every day. Sometimes cry about it, but less than I did last week, or the week before, and I know it will fade over time. I just hope that the scars will too.

 

With that last statement I hope that this will be the last time I ever post about him again. If I do next year I hope it’s because Im doing my typical looking back and realizing how far I’ve come. Away from the thought of him, and the dark, dark days I am trying so hard to leave behind.

So what else happened this past year?

For starters I didn’t even try to date. I completely removed myself from that world. I made the statement last year that I needed a year of ME, and that’s exactly what I had, although not in the way Id planned. The year of me has gotten off track, worse than ever.

My family changed this year too. Mom keeps falling, and Elise keeps pushing her to sell the house and move. It’s not that I disagree with Elise, I do agree that she needs to downsize and get help coming in at the least, but Mom is not ready to have anyone live with her yet. As far as her moving, that’s her decision but I really think the time is coming faster than we all think, and no one is ready for it.

Also, my own fears are getting in the way of me having clear judgement about either moving in with mom, or her selling the house. I keep thinking that when that house goes, our whole family life will change, and not for the better, and when MOM goes, I will be left totally alone. I think about moving up there all the time. I love it up there but I want my own space too, and mom is not ready to give up even one tiny corner of “her” house. It’s a hard inner debate because I could move up there when she’s ready, but I really would be giving up what’s left of my younger life, and given the fact that 50 is right around the corner and Im still alone I don’t think Im ready to do that. If I met someone and WE moved up there it would be different. I’d be settled and WE could be the ones to get her through her last years in the house where she wants to be. The fact is though, that may never happen.

I do have to be realistic. As I stated earlier my lack of experience and my age are working against me, not to mention Im no longer in the best shape mentally or physically. I started out this year wanting to make that change again…turn that corner again, and I really think I was ready to do that, but then was blindsided on day 2 and just never totally recovered.

The only good thing this year brought me was my business being moderately successful. It’s still a constant worry and I MUST make aggressive changes this year to get out of real estate photography and IN Architecture as my main line of work.

I will be turning 49 in June. One more trip around the sun before 50. My life is WAY more than half over.

Every year I make these same statements about making changes and all that, and only one year, 2012, I actually did. I know it’s in me somewhere. I think it’s drowning in a bottle of booze and mayonnaise at the moment…

Now suddenly a year has passed and Im sitting here, 10 lbs heavier than I was last year, in not so great shape anymore, and I want this all to stop. I want to find BECKY again. The person I was becoming in 2012 when I was so happy and proud to finally be losing weight and getting my life together. Before I met Mike D. Before I gave him everything I had inside me that was good. It feels like I lost that person a long time ago. Maybe not entirely, but enough that I’ve been going down a very dark road and I need to turn it around. I HAVE to turn it around.

Reading back further this year than I have in a while of my old posts, I found a few statements that I want to revisit.

 The first is from July of 2011:

“I have made drinking and eating on the weekends a literal activity, instead of an accessory to an activity.”

This statement was made during a therapy session and at the time a real breakthrough for me. Before any weight loss, and before I turned things around I figured this out, and its back to being true only more than just the weekends, so that is the first thing Im going to address in 2019. During that session my therapist suggested that:

“…instead of looking at it like I'm giving something up, think of something positive to replace that activity with…”

So that’s #1.

The next is from January 2012, 8 days in to my quitting drinking and again at a therapy session:

“….We kind of discovered it’s the child's voice in me that still wants what it wants when it wants it no matter what the consequences are, and also, like a child, doesn't really know what is good for it…”

This statement makes total sense to me about so many things. Mike included. I wanted him, he was most definitely NOT good for me, but I did it anyway. Same with food that’s bad for me as well as drinking too much and too often. I must learn again to recognize that this inner “voice” is not to be ignored but addressed, and recognized for what it is. Giving myself permission to fuck it all up.

So that’s #2.

The third is a whole post from the very day I was to go on my first date with Mike D. I didn’t realize that it was from that day until I saw the date, and the fact that I was so incredibly happy and positive at that moment, BEFORE meeting him, speaks volumes.

“THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2012

Going down

So. It's been a long while since I've posted anything....again....and the last time I did I was looking back at all those years of starting over and failing again and again.

I did start again in January like I have so many times before. But this time, something is different. I am making it happen!

The first big change was that I quit smoking. Just quit and never looked back. I can't even stand to be around cigarettes now. So bizarre!

The next thing was the drinking, which I admittedly was not as successful with. I gave up within a few weeks of starting the dry spell, but evidently it was enough to kick start my working out and eating better, and I started losing some weight.

It's been slower than I would like, but as of right now I'm officially 76 lbs lighter than I was in July of 2011 when I stepped on the scale at Emory Hospital considering bypass surgery.

I look and feel so different it's amazing!

I have even started dating again!

The other thing is I'm still struggling to make my photo business work, but I haven't given up.

My life is so much better than it was last year, and this time I have only myself to thank. My will and drive is all my own and for me and me only.

No other human being is responsible for my success or failures, and that's a great feeling.

I still have a long way to go, but this time I know I'm never giving up. Making the effort to eat better and exercise 5-6 days a week is a permanent change that I whole heatedly embrace.

I think I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, in spite of some of the scarier things I may be facing in the near future.

So that's my update! Lets see where I am in another year!”

When I read that this morning I cried. I miss that person far more than I will ever miss Mike, or the Mike that I thought he was. I let myself go back to the person that I was before I even started to lose weight in some ways. Not entirely though, and thank GOD I feel like I’ve caught it just in time. It really is never too late to get it back.

Next year I want to be writing about all the positive things in my life, and positive people in my life, and in spite of the horror that the year was, I want to end this post with some positive thoughts and things I do have that are good in my life.

 Andy and Jason - two of the most wonderful people on the planet, who recently adopted a 10 year old boy, and my best friends. I don’t see them nearly enough and I want to change that.

I joined a pin ball league a month or so ago -  I know it’s a small thing, and it IS at a bar, but it’s a change for the better in that it’s an activity I enjoy that I do BY MYSELF. Yes, I got started in it because of my friend Mary Grace, but I feel comfortable going even when she can’t come and still be OK with it. That’s a huge step for me. There is a game group I joined a year ago and have never been to a single meeting, so I want to start doing that too. By myself.

My business -  again its going well but can be better. I am still so grateful for every client I have and every job I get no matter how far away or how small it may be.

My house – I don’t “love” living here, but I don’t hate it anymore either. The neighborhood is FINALLY gaining value and also, its officially half way paid for. The inner debate to sell or stick it out is still going on, but what I do have with it now is more positive than negative for sure.

My dog -  I love my pup. That is all.

My family - no matter what troubles we have as individuals we still seem to make it work as a family, and I hope to make that bond stronger this year. I want to do more for my mom, and my sisters, in whatever way I can. I want to spend time with each of them in a healthy way, so we can be stronger as a whole when bad times come around.

Myself  - Without over stating the obvious, the weight issue of course, the drinking issue of course, but more than even those I want my happy to come back and stay back for good. Getting that back will help with ALL the other things, and I KNOW it’s within my reach. The fact that I can still see it out there is the most positive thing I have left from this year. 

The light may be dim, but it is far from out.

So as I say goodbye to this year I also am saying goodbye to that part of me that lives in a place of “no”. A place of fear that keeps me from succeeding in every aspect of my life. Im saying good bye to that, and finally, to Mike for the last time.

Im going out tonight to my favorite bar -   My Parents Basement. Im meeting 2 friends, Alexandra and Shane, but they aren’t going to stay the whole time so I’ll be on my own at midnight. I may cut and run and go to Andy and Jasons’, but I may stay and just do ME. Either way it’s going to be a good night, and a great start to 2019.

See you next year.