Well here I am again.
August seems to be a bad month for me
and Ray because were broken up again and it was literally almost to the day a
year ago that we broke up the first time.
Actually I don’t even KNOW if were broken up but my best
guess is that we are.
An argument that we had in February came back full circle in
that at that time, I was very mad and told him to “get out”, which he couldn’t do
in the middle of the night anyway, but the next day he told me that I couldn’t tell
him to leave every time I felt that “fight or flight” thing that I’ve talked
about before. I told him at that time that I knew I’d been wrong to say that
and I would never say it again unless I really meant it.
Sunday morning, I meant it.
I still don’t understand how he came to the conclusions he
did that lead to all this, but I haven’t talked to him since he walked out, and
the whole reason I told him, “if you choose to leave now instead of talking about
this I don’t think you should come back” was because of just that. We needed to
talk it out and he refused. This time it was HIS fight or flight, only when I
said that, I saw it in his eyes that it was over for him. Id hurt him, or stung
him, or betrayed him in that way again and he was out the door.
Here’s the thing though, when someone you love is causing
issues that don’t have to be there simply because they are trying to make a
point, and there is NO talking to them about it because they WILL NOT see any
point of view but their own, you DO want them to just get out. And stay out.
It still seems to be unreal to me, and I have my
reservations about if it’s going to stick, but I think this time it will, if
for no other reason than he’s going to say that I broke my promise. But I didn’t,
because I meant it, and I knew when I said it that it might end us but I really
didn’t see any other way.
So here I sit today, after packing up his things and setting
them all on the dining room table, writing this down and trying to make sense
of it.
We had a fight, because HE had a fight with another dude at
a birthday gathering (social distancing in place and everyone outside) about
politics. Before even going up there I specifically asked him NOT to talk about
politics, knowing that his opinions are not popular with the folks that were
going to be there, and it seemed that it was all going along fine…until it wasn’t.
When it happened, it was so fast my old fight or flight actually
did come into play because my immediate response was to say, “OK were leaving”.
He acted like it was all OK when it clearly wasn’t, so I got up and said “well Im
leaving so come or not”. He did come of course, and honestly what I thought was
a conversation about why he had to engage in that knowing the likely outcome,
turned into him thinking I was defending this other guy, (NOT true, he’s just
as guilty as Ray…they were BOTH being jerks…period), and not being supportive
of him, which actually upset me more than pissed me off, and we went round and
round. Me trying to be heard, him talking over me to the point that I just
started to cry and said that he was just like my family, running over me and
not letting me get out what I needed to say. (they do that a lot)
He went to bed, I stayed up and hour, and went in hoping
that he’d cooled off and we could just let it go and talk about it in the
morning, but I got the cold shoulder and he said he was mad at me. Then I got
mad, and got up to go sleep in the den.
Why would I want to lay next to someone who was mad at me
for no reason? But then I remembered I’d been nursing a bad back all week so I
paused, and he said ”I’ll go sleep on the couch”, and I said “fine”. A response
that he evidently took as me “throwing him out of the bedroom”, because that’s what
he said as he was gathering his stuff at the first light of day.
“Are you LEAVING??” I asked.
“YEP” he said
“What?? Why???” I said, waking up and getting out of bed
“You threw me out of the bedroom AND you weren’t supporting
me last night.” He snapped.
“WHAT??? I was supporting you by getting you OUT of there!”
I said…voice getting a little louder, but never yelling.
In the den now…”I will NOT be yelled at” he said
“Im NOT yelling at you Ray, but sometimes it feels like I do
need to raise my voice for you to hear me.”
“Yes you are..” he said, still gathering his stuff…”GO BACK
TO BED”..
Then I said it. “Ray, I can’t believe you are leaving…. We
need to talk about this…” (no response.) “I love you, and I think you leaving
is a huge mistake”, (nothing)….”I think ….If you choose to leave I don’t think
you should come back”…I said...not even raising my voice.
“There you go…” he said, and left.
It was a split second decision that I made, saying that, and
yes I knew as I was saying it that I HAD to mean it, because he wouldn’t come back…ever.
More so that I really DON’T want him to come back. Ever, at least not that version of him.
All day I went from being mad to crying but never once did I
regret what Id said.
Today, packing up his things, my heart is hurting and I wish
we had just never gone to the party, but that wouldn’t change the fact that
there is a part of him that I really DON’T want to come back.
It’s the part that I broke up with a year ago, that he swore
he was working on, but is still very much there. Also, there have been
underlying issues that have steadily been building inside me that I have tried
to talk to him about, but he’s got no answers for. Ironically, they revolve principally
about me feeling like he’s not being supportive of ME, and of all the decisions
and changes I'm having to make.
It’s about him not listening to me...literally just sitting
there while I say things until I realize, he’s actually NOT listening.
It’s about him making little to no effort to make himself
better in ways that are both physical and mental, something I have mentioned in passing but NOT talked
to him about because I know I’ve gained weight (pandemic bloat), been drinking
too much too often, and eating the wrong things, but I also ALWAYS try to look
nice…fix my hair…put on makeup…And do things for HIM…keep the house nice…cook…send
food home with him so he’s not having to eat garbage so much.
I know I am sensitive about weight and looks too, and he’d
never say anything about that to me, so respectfully to him I gave the same
pass knowing he’s unhappy about his (what I consider small but understand for
him is big) weight gain and no, were not going out so no need to get dressed up
on the weekends, and haircuts are risky as well as money that’s not really a
necessity at the moment. And also, I have been trying.
I mean REALLY trying to get myself back in shape, and he won’t even go for a
walk. I feel like it would be so easy for him if he just would make a small
effort. Then he makes me feel guilty for serving bread with dinner (only on the
weekends!) when he’s going out and eating Burger King! To be fair, he’s never
EVER criticized me for weight gain or looks in any way, but it would also be
nice to hear him say I look nice once in a while. I am constantly telling him
how cute he is and such…because he IS, and weight gain or not I think he’s a
very attractive man.
In fact one of the other current frustrations to add to the
pile has been the fact that I’ve been working out so hard almost daily for so
long now and had FINALLY gotten the scale to edge down enough to really know Id
broken that plateau that I fight with constantly. Then my back goes out and Im
off exercise and on my butt for 10 days now, and guess what? I’ve gained every
ounce of it back in one friggin’ week. Today is the first day that I think I
can try a light elliptical, which I had intended to do earlier, but now it’s 5:30 PM, Im depressed, my work week has once again fallen apart..(oh yeah that
was the other thing last week.. it was the first week since March that I
actually had a real almost entirely booked week, and 4 of the 5 jobs had to go
to another photographer instead of waiting for me to get better so I lost all
those jobs!) So it’s probably not happening today.
The bottom line is I’ve been a wreck but I'm still TRYING. Depressed beyond
belief, and trying to hold on to a possible future with a man that can’t even
tell me that he even THINKS about us and “our” future. He’s living for today
only and using the Pandemic as an excuse, but that’s exactly where he was a
year ago too. No Pandemic to blame that on.
I’ve had many thoughts about this. Is he still taking his
meds consistently? I don’t know…I never SEE him do it, and I trust him, so I don’t
know, and don’t ask. I DO know he stopped his therapy back in I think January.
Not on purpose...they moved the lady he was working with (and doing GREAT
with!) to another location and he was sort of non-plus about the guy he got
stuck with so between that and Covid hitting it just went out the window.
He won’t talk to me about what may or may not be going on in
his head, and on the few occasions I’ve asked him about how he’s doing in that
department, he gets defensive with me so I just don’t ask anymore.
I feel like I’ve been watching him slowly slip away for
months now. Granted the Covid situation has not helped anything for either of
us, and many of the strongest relationships are being tested at this moment in
time, but if you can’t communicate with someone, you can’t get anywhere. You can’t
solve problems. You can’t move forward. Period.
We were working on ourselves
and each other and it’s all come to a screeching halt along with pretty much
every other “normal” aspect of life, all because of some crazy virus that’s ripped
up the world…that and a governmental nightmare that just seems to get worse day
by day. So yeah, there is a TON of shit going on, and I get it...he’s not a “talker”
by nature, but he could try. If he wanted to save us…if nothing else…save US…he
could try. He could talk to me…not AT me, and he could LISTEN to me...actually
let me finish a sentence. Yeah that would be great.
Reading this back through I am sad.
Just sad.
I wanted to have a life with this man. I love him. You can’t
turn that off overnight, and even with all the shit he’s got in his head, I’d
be willing to work things out if he could just realize that this time he was really
wrong. He owes me an apology. He owes US an apology. Not for the fight at the
party…well yeah maybe for that too, but I really don’t care so much about that
as much as why it happened….because it totally could have been avoided.
He , (it appeared anyway) WANTED to get this rage reaction out of this other
guy so he just kept poking the bear. Why do that?? WHY???
And then the aftermath that lead to him leaving the next
morning. The yelling at ME…which he did…saying “If you want to go have Shane as
your boyfriend go right ahead!”, because he thought I was defending Shane, and
I wasn’t. I was trying to tell him they were BOTH in the wrong. I could give a
shit about Shane, and frankly have zero intentions of hanging out with him ever
again because of this, but Ray didn’t…..Wouldn’t…
hear that. So yeah...I am owed a great big apology, and I
simply don’t see that happening.
Sad…so very sad. I love you Ray. I wish we could fix this.
My heart is breaking…again.
