Misery Loves Company

So is anyone out there?

YOUR FIRED!!

HA! I wish.
I cant quit and I cant manage to get let go either. Ironic.
I feel like I'm in prison.
OK ok maybe a bit of an exaggeration.
Its a good job, I just hate it.
I swear I cant remember a time in my life that Ive felt more miserable, downtrodden or depressed.
I'm trying to pull myself out of it but I feel this huge weight on me, and for once its not my actual weight (which these days is rising like crazy due to my lack of exercise / eating everything bad in sight) and I really believe its the job.
Sadly if I do get fired I have no idea if I would even be able to collect unemployment until I found something else or am (hopefully) able to get my photography business going, and if I cant, then I'm totally fucked. Id be in default of all my bills including my mortgage within a month.
Sad. I'm turning 40 in just under 2 months and I feel like I have a totally shitty life. I know its not sure but I just feel SO BAD!!

Ok things I appreciate and know I'm lucky to have:

1. My family. Best in the world. There for me without question.
2. My friends. Again, best in the world. There for me without question.
3. Even though I hate it, my job. I know I'm lucky to have it and it drives me crazy that I just haven't been able to fit into the mold to make it work.
4. My home and my dog. ( actually the dog should be part of #1) Even though I complain about all the work my house needs and the hood I live in, its a nice house over all and I'm lucky to have it.
5. All my cool stuff. My STUFF. Including computers, camera equipment, clothes, kitchen stuff, nice furniture, pretty much everything that I need to be super comfortable, and tons of shoes!

So why cant I just embrace these things and just let it be? Just BE HAPPY!

I don't know.
I wish I could, and if I cant I pray for the will and drive to change it. I think of trying to start my own business and how hard its going to be to make it work and how much easier it is just to get up and go to a job. Well, in theory anyway. I feel like in my soul getting up to make my own money for my own business that I'm proud of will GET me out of bed and MAKE me work for it.

Now it never did before. All the years that I had the opportunity to do something I just pissed it away. Enjoying my free time and not doing anything.

I'm making an effort right now to do one shoot a weekend to build my portfolio. That's step one. Step two is to get my web site going and work on a business plan so I can hopefully get a loan. God if I could just make that work id quit the day I got the check in the bank!!
I'm sure my parents would freak out. DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER JOB!!! Well to me working on the future of my business IS a full time job. Its so hard to get this going while working at this place, but I'm going to stick it out as long as I have to. (still secretly hoping to get laid off)
oh well.

A Year Gone By....

Today is March 24th. This time last year I was getting ready to start my new job. My new life.

So what has happened in this past year? Well I guess I can just look back over the old posts and see it has not been a good one.

I did start working out again last week. Pissed off at myself for slacking off for 3 months and facing 40 any minute now I finally inspired myself to get back in the game, and when I got up yesterday and today I felt like I am suddenly back in the groove. That makes me happy.

Also, last week I got the opportunity to interview for a different job. I scheduled it and was really thinking that it might be a good change. More money blah blah blah. Then I started looking into the company more and realized that it was even more corporate than where I am now so I cancelled.

This started making me analyze my job as it stands.
Do I hate it as badly as Ive been shouting to anyone that will listen?
I'm not sure anymore.
Do I love it? No. Absolutely not. I hate the structure. I hate not being able to take off when I want to with or without pay. I hate the quiet and the cubicles. I HATE having to wear the stupid cloths that look like shit on me. I hate the condescending manner that the 2 women I have to deal with have with me almost constantly, and I hate the fact that I don't make enough money to live like I want to...or even pay all my bills.

OK so that doesn't look so good.

On the other hand, I am getting used to it. I'm able to do the work better this time of year because I'm familiar with it. There are still too many days where I don't have enough to do, and the little Napoleon lady that I work with still hordes the work. Shes never going to leave this job either so my position will always be "under" her, even though I was hired as her equal.

Its a paycheck. I can do the work, and hopefully they will let us do summer hours again this year which makes life worth living for 3 months.

That didn't sound right. Life is worth living for sure. I'm still having happy moments. I was walking through my house this past Sunday reveling on how happy I was at that moment. I want more and I will have to work for it. Maybe that's what makes me mad. Id much rather someone just give it to me!

I'm still on the plan to do photography. Still thinking of how to make that happen. Money is always the problem. I need equipment, a web site, advertising, AND most importantly I need more experience.
Ive been shooting more recently and I need to keep that up. Start thinking about what I'm doing rather than just picking up the camera and pressing a button.

I'm not giving up. never giving up. I do want to be able to walk out of here one day into a life that I control and I know that it wont happen unless I make it happen.

Ive been whining and complaining a bunch for a while now. Ive been VERY depressed, but still remained hopeful. I just need someone to hear me sometimes. Everyone has their problems I guess so I need to get it together on my own. I'm all I have in the end anyway. I'm realizing that more and more.

SMUCK IT!

Inspiration gone. Typical.

Bad vibes Good vibes

This is going to be short. Ive been slack, depressed and generally down in the dumps for months now. Nothing seems to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. Until recently. I'm almost afraid to speak about what or who has begun to make me rethink things, for fear it will disappear. Seems like the minute I announce something like this it goes away.
Would that work I wonder if i announced I'm turning 40 in 3- 1/2 months? Doubtful, but my track record does leave me a little superstitious, so I'll keep it to myself for now, just writing down that i hope this...whatever it is....is going to be a good thing in my life that will inspire me like nothing has in a long time.

Moving On

Have I hit bottom yet?

I really hope so, because if I go any deeper I don't think I'll ever get up again.

Last week work was so bad I actually had a melt down and cried in front of one of the engineers. I call him Little Napoleon. Hes short, and has a God complex. I felt like a total loser, and I'm sure that's how I look to him too.



Some of the things that are wrong with this job are my fault, I realize that. Some of it is simply that I have kind of in one way or another skated through life, always just "getting by", and here that's not possible.

Oh I have pushed the limits here for sure, and continue to, but I AM trying to do good work. If I HAVE to come here every day and face these plastic Sorority and Frat like people I at least want to do a good job.



Little Nap is a nit picky little twerp and Id like to pop his head like a zit! Superficial criticisms and picking out the tiniest flaws are his specialty. Ive also become his project I think. Not by his choice mind you, but all the same, I'm there, under his tiny plastic wing. Ugh!



So what can I do?



Well after an enormously depressing week I had a decent weekend during which I got a gift.

A book, (that by the look of it alone had to be expensive) from my girl Gwenn.

How to own and operate a successful catering business.



Its been sitting on the coffee table for almost a week now. I haven't even cracked the spine yet.



I don't know what it is about me that has always strives for the bottom rung of mediocrity but I sure am good at it!



I visited my old boss last Friday too. Quite the way to bring one of the worst weeks of my adult life to a close Id say.

I was there to help him with the tax stuff. Something Id been doing for him for 8 years, and I couldn't even get that to work!

So we talked mostly. His business is in the toilet, and although when I told him, " You have to be successful again so you can hire me back!", and he did respond," I would love that!", I could hear the insincerity in his voice.

Hes a nice man, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but he wants me back about as bad as a cold sore!

Nothing personal I'm sure, but I basically sucked off his teet for 8 years doing the bare minimum , and taking full advantage of his free system.



I realized when I was brooding about it on Sunday, that the time of my life when things were easy and fun is over. For good.



I'm broke, I have no savings, no extra money to even BEGIN to save, a house that's falling down around my ears that I owe more on than its worth, a shit job (even though a lot of people would love to have it), and an eating disorder that's really eating me alive.



Did I mention I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic too?



Not going more than 5 days at a time without a drink since I was about 15 pretty much tells me that I am. Maybe just the weekend binger but still. It ain't a bright future I'm staring in to.



All the talk of the book and the catering and the photography and every dream Ive ever had is just a fantasy. I cant even make myself lose 10 lousy pounds!



God I need help.



I want to get off my ass and MAKE something, ANYTHING happen. I'm so tired of looking backwards on my life and being filled with regret.



I feel like if I had someone in my life to drive me and help me move I could do it. A partner in life that motivates me and pushes me on when I don't want to go anymore.

Something Ive never had.

Can I really be that pathetic that I cant make my life better on my own?

Its probably just the one excuse I have left that I haven't used. The last card so to speak.



To my friends I'm "The Queen of Misery". To my family, what a disappointment, although they would never say it.



Please God PLEASE!!!! HELP ME TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I'm in the deepest rut of my life and I have no idea how to get out of it.



I really need help.



And this blog, the biggest joke of all. For no one ever reads it. No one but me, once again looking back. Nothing changes.

SMUCK IT!

Well, so far 2010 is a total bust.
I got sick. REALLY sick for the first 2 weeks of the month. Missed a week and a half of work, and didn't work out.
After being sort of slack in December on the working out, capping it off with missing 2 solid weeks, Ive now regressed to where I was a year ago before I ever started working out again.
Part of the problem is that I'm miserable.
I don't want to get up.
I don't want to go to work.
And even though I know that exercising will make at least part of my day in hell better I have been choosing to "sleep in", ( if you can call waking up at 5:30 sleeping in).
Last week I managed to work out Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but only did a full work out on Friday. The other 2 days were just treadmill and a few reps on the bench press.
I was determined to get back a full week this week but today, the alarm went off at 4:15, and I just couldn't make myself do it.
The super sad thing is that when I reset the alarm for an hour later I thought to myself, I'm not going to be any different by the time I turn 40....I'm going to be laying here this time next year in the same body, thinking the same miserable thoughts, living the same miserable life....
What a shitty way to think.

I have been trying to eat better, and been cooking really healthy, but haven't bothered to write any of it down thus far.

Another dream put on the back burner.

Meanwhile my job just keeps getting worse and worse.
Every day I screw up. I come in tired and wan feeling and I leave angry and frustrated.
Its no way to live.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at the end of my very frayed rope.

That's all I got for now.