New Year’s Eve 2019

It’s here again. That time I reflect on the year gone by.

As I do every year, I just read through last years post, and the year before. Last year I was beginning the road to recovery from a year of darkness....wait...5 years of darkness really. I was positive and determined to make the changes I set out to do.

So what did I do?

Well I have to say the year actually started out pretty good. I was following my path. Stopping drinking so much, exercising regularly again, and reigning in my eating. My business was humming along too, and I finally felt like I was able to breathe.

January I was on the right track again, FINALLY!

Also, I’d given myself a year of no dating, something I sooo do NOT regret as lonely as I was. I needed that. I’d spent a year morning a life I was never meant to have with a person who is evil and sick, and I can honestly say now that I feel lucky to NOT have ended up with him...he who shall not be named....heh...Voldemort!

As I stated in my post last year, if he’s mentioned, I hoped it was to say how I’d had a day where I woke up and realized I had not thought about him the day before. Well, I’m happy to say that has happened! As a matter of fact today when I was thinking about starting my entry, I had to think about whether I’d had days when he didn’t cross my mind and yeah he’s still there in a dark corner, lurking like the spawn of hell that he is, but it’s not something I thought about all the time. Just in passing, and more because of certain things that were happening at that time.

He has been a topic of conversation, but he had to be to some degree, because I met someone.

Yup. I surely did....but I am getting ahead of myself.

I put myself back on line at the beginning of February.

I’d thought about waiting until I lost some weight, because truthfully I was not feeling my best in the looks department, but I my spirit was finally healing and so I did it.

One of the changes I stated that I wanted to make, and actually have been successful with, is not to wait for life to come to me. I was going out to my pinball league by myself, and trying to be more social in general. Something that had all but died in 2018. Dating again, or at least starting the meeting and talking process again, seemed like the right thing to do too.

What I did not want, was to jump into something with anyone too quickly. I thought it would be a better idea to date a few people casually. No sex, dating only, really getting to know people, and in the process learning to trust again.

I also had a strict process I decided to use to weed out the garage. Talk on the phone for a week, FaceTime so I can see them before meeting, and when I meet them, not more than 2 drinks so I can keep my wits about me. I mean after all, it had also been nearly2 years since I’d had sex so along with feeling better in general, I was quite frisky!

All this assuming I actually met someone I liked, I was determined to wait. Really WAIT to get to know someone. I mean, yes, I’d done that years before with every guy I’d met for the most part, but somehow I’d missed things I guess. In any case, I figured that was still the way to go, So when I met a guy in the first 2 days of being on line, I took note to be cautious, not get excited, and to use this as a start.

I ended up meeting him a week in. I’d done the talking. The face timing, and I admit I was more excited than I needed to be which just made my disappointment all the more severe when we met in person and he was not only a for shorter than he’d said he was, but was also sporting a fabulous rack of rotten bottom teeth.

I know, that’s really shallow. I get it, but it was the fact that he lied about these things more than the fact of them in general. I went to the bathroom in the restaurant and almost cried. I thought in that moment “ this is it. This is what I’m meant for. It must be because it keeps happening “ so instead of walking out, I decided to get shitty drunk and make the best of it.

I guess it went better than I thought because the next day when I told him I wanted to just be friends he was very disappointed. Pissy even.

I’d met him up in Marietta so when I got home I got in the hot tub and looked at they sky thinking...”where are you? Do you even exist? “

I went home the next day feeling very defeated.

Monday I almost deleted my profile, but I was busy with work so I forgot about it until Thursday night. February 14th. Valentines Day. The Bain of my existence my entire dating life. The Hallmark holiday created to make people in love spend more money on roses and make people like me feel more alone than ever. A yearly reminder that I am loveless.

Laying in bed that night I did my usual routine. Tv on but not watching it. Put lotion on my feet. Open iPad to poke around until I get sleepy.

Ok Cupid - the dating website of choice for the moment ...’sigh...ok I’ll look one more time before I delete my account’

And there he was.

Silly and a little arrogant in the approach, but funny. The funny is what drew me in. He sent me a message and I responded. Next thing I knew 3 hours had gone by and I was going to be sleep deprived in the morning, but well worth it.

Two days later we met. I broke all the rules I’d set from minute 1. I did manage to speak to him on the phone briefly an hour or so before we met but no FaceTime, and I didn’t know what to expect. What I got was funny, cute, smart, musical, caring, inventive, creative, thoughtful, caring , loving, kind, sexy and strong.

We played Pinball, talked, laughed. He made me very nervous. He kept looking me up and down. I was convinced he was internally mocking my size ( he is very small framed, and not my typical physical type at all) which is why when he suddenly laid a kiss on me at the pinball machines I was shocked. Aaaaaaand stirred up.

The next suggestion by him was to go to my house and watch a movie. Again, rule breaking dynamite, but I lit the fuse and went with it.

We watched a crazy film that he pulled up from a movie storage site he has. He was “handsy” and I was nervous, but I also thought ya know what? Screw it. What do I have to lose? So when movie turned to making out, then turned to ya know...what happens after that...I went with it, and it was amazing.

I felt close to him immediately which also felt wrong, (I mean close as in it felt like Id known him my whole life), and the next day when he left I was sure I’d never hear from him again, but the next day he called me and asked me out to dinner.

I would say the rest is history but there is a lot in between that moment and today that I want to acknowledge all of it. There is good and bad and ugly.

My year has been rough in a way because of this relationship, but it’s also been good, and given me the gift of a love that I never thought possible. He’s my love and my best friend.

Yeah...that’s a lot. HE’S a lot.

Ray. Phillip Raymond Stamps.

The month of February into March flew by. We both felt it. The crazy connection, the passion, the fun, and the love. It was there from day one.

We are from very different backgrounds. He had been married for 25 years and has 5 kids with her. She has issues with alcohol, which made my drinking al all make me feel self-conscious sometimes drinking around him. Also, he’s SKINNY and I knew from a conversation about 1 week in that I was definitely NOT his physical type. So the eating in front of him also became an issue at first, but the one rule I didn’t break when I met him was to always… I mean ALWAYS be myself, so I did what I would normally do.  I drank ate and was very merry indeed!

Until…

He told me he was still married. Yes, a month into everything he told me he’d never filed for divorce. Separated for 3 plus years, yes, and explained that if he’d told me that in the beginning I’d never given him a chance. He’s right, I probably wouldn’t have, but now I was IN IT.

The problem was that I’d made a point repeatedly that honesty in all things was so very important to me, and exactly why. I even told him about Mike, and all my history with heart break, deceit, abuse both physical and mental…everything.

So when this news was slapped upon me one morning 15 minutes before I had to leave for a shoot…well…I was devastated. I didn’t even have time to process it. I just had to go, but as the day wore on, it sunk in.  

Red flag? Ummm crazy flaming flag was more like it. All the trust I’d given to this man was destroyed in one moment. But I was IN IT. So I forgave the lie, and moved forward, but something had changed. I felt that old demon of mistrust creeping in.

A month later I caught him in a lie about a party that he didn’t tell me about because he didn’t want me to go. He didn’t tell me, I figured it out, and he dismissed it. But it bothered me enough to bring up one more time a few days later and I sent him a text late at night, which he got the next morning, and he was pissed.

We had our first fight, and it was ugly. He blamed me for being paranoid, and spoke to me so harshly (I was at work by the way so crying in someone’s basement…not cool) that on the way home I decided I wanted to end it. It was not worth going through this again. He was a liar, and was also hiding me, just like Mike.

When I got home and called him back though, we talked. No fighting at all. Just talked it out. Even this was different for me. I was so used to being made the fool and ghosted afterwards that I was expecting him to do just that, but I was going to beat him to the punch. Instead we did what I guess people in love do. Talked it through and moved on, or at least tried to. There was some damage and I was on guard, so when he started changing in other ways in Mid-May I was actually almost ready for it. Expecting him to pull away just as I was falling in deeper, which is exactly what happened.

At first I was upset by his declaration of “I need space”, but then I was pissed. He had all the space he wanted, and I was more than happy to give him more. I took the road Id NEVER traveled before and just went on my way doing ME. I tried to stop caring about him and whether I saw him. I will give myself credit for this, because in my year of removal from “life” Id found a stronger “me” and was not willing to put myself in harms way again.

The end of May: He came to my moms house for the first time under duress. I was thrilled but he was obviously under a tremendous amount of pressure that I was unaware of. A disaster.

June: My birthday was hard. He almost didn’t even go due to his Anxiety Disorder - the main reason for all the issues that were happening I would later find out. Well, that and he’d stopped taking the meds that help it. We got through it. Not unscathed, but I was happy that he came at all. Again, trying to do “me” while not losing him.

I didn’t see him for 3 weeks after my birthday, and though I missed him I felt like Id already lost him so in a way I was already moving on.

July: I saw him twice. Both times were strained, and after the last time, and weeks of not hearing form him for days at a time, I finally called it quits. Over text no less. He couldn’t give me what I wanted (deserved!) and I couldn’t keep punishing myself for wanting more than he was capable of.

The moment I realized it was really over I felt physical pain in my heart. I recall I texted him saying I felt like someone had just died. I cried for 3 days straight. Upset, but also pissed, because I really felt like I was not asking for anything out of the ordinary. He just didn’t want ME.

August: 4 days after I broke up with Ray, I went back on line, determined not to let this kill my heart again, and I met someone the first day. I won’t go into detail about this one. He was a Mike…Literally…so I should have known better but I was heartbroken, and he was there. All over me. Attractive, funny, smart, but dark. Very dark indeed as I would come to find out in about a week. The first incident that made me think “dear God I miss Ray” was our 3^rd date.

Why I stayed with him for 2 months I don’t know. We did nothing but argue.

September: in the middle of this thing with Michael, Ray called me one day right before labor day. My heart stopped when I saw the name on the phone. I almost didn’t answer, but Id always thought that we could maybe be friends, so I picked up.

We talked for an hour, during which time he presented the same accusatory attitude toward me as before, but also, was hinting that he wanted to see me. I was more hurt, and irritated than ever. I told him I was seeing someone else. End of conversation, and I thought, “well that’s that”, but it wasn’t.

Within a few days he called again, telling me that he needed to explain what happened. I called him back on labor-day. We talked about a lot of things, and he explained that he’d stopped taking his meds in April after running out of them, but was feeling so good at the time didn’t think he NEEDED them. So all the behavior, the dismissiveness, the pushing me away, all that was supposed to be because of this miracle drug that kept him on a level plane. He also told me that he had had irrational thoughts about me, and knowing they were not true finally sought help in therapy, and new meds.

For a month he’d been working on himself and after realizing I was really with someone else from out previous conversation a few days before, he woke up. He told me he loved me, and he wanted another chance.
I was in tears. Crying silently at the loss, the love that was still in my heart, and also the fear that was now there because of this new information. I didn’t know what to think, so I asked him to give me time to let in marinate.

He didn’t do that. Instead, for the next month he sent texts emails, and videos of himself declaring his love, and saying how sorry he was for everything.

Now, part of me was truly scared of this. I honestly didn’t know if he was seriously unbalanced, or if he really was just doing this truly romantic thing, knowing inside that I still loved him too.

In any case, it further damaged an already fragile situation with Michael, so at the end of September I broke it off with him. And after thinking about it hard for a week, I texted Ray again.

Side note about Michael: I really did like him, and think he’s an extraordinary person in some ways, but no matter how good or bad he was, I was in love with Ray, so nothing would have made it work.

October: I saw him again on October 5^th for the first time in 2 months, (so I guess we now have 2 anniversaries!), and it was like no time had passed at all. Oh, I was still apprehensive, and things did not start back immediately, but I guess the point it is they did.

Now, almost 3 months later, I sit here having spent every holiday with him, and my family, and he has been on board with everything. I’ve been to therapy with him, been to his house, met one of his kids, his best friend, and his other “group” as well.

I’ve been more intimate with him in every way possible, and we have the best level of communication I’ve ever had with another human being on earth.

Reading back through all this “bad” it’s really OK, because so much “GOOD” has come from it all. I honestly think I needed to see someone else and have that time apart for both of us to pull ourselves back to right again. Is it perfect? No, of course not, but I love him so much sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst!

So here we are, New Year’s Eve 2019, and Im in my office writing this while he’s sitting in the den watching TV, waiting patiently for me to be finished with this so I can get ready for out New Year’s Eve date night!

Another First!

 I’ve had so many “firsts” this year. Some not so good, but most wonderful.

Im looking forward to next year more than I have ever before.

My issues at hand, the same as always.

Weight, eating and drinking more responsibly, and exercise. Oh yes, and, my work of course. I know I glossed over all those things in order to tell this other story but it was the more significant thing, and will always be I hope.

I can tell this story and know that the issues I have I now have a partner with whom I can rely on to help me through them, as I will with his own issues.

Ray, if you ever happen to read this know that at this moment I fell a love for you that is stronger and has made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

You take care of me in so many ways.

You make me kinder…more selfless…you make me feel good. So good I forget whatever darkness may resurface in my sleep from years of pain.

I lose myself in you...find myself through you....and when I’m with you we’re the only two people on earth.

I hope my entry next year is full of the accomplishments we have done together and the love we have shared.

To my best friend…my love…Cheese Sammich!

Happy New Year

New Years Eve 2018 - The last year of Mike D ever.

It’s that time again. Time to assess the damage and write about hope for the future. Again as always I looked back at the last years post and 2017 ended with me hoping to do what I always want to do - rein it in, get back to “happy”, and get over Mike.

I did not rein it in.

I did not get back to “happy”.

I did, however, in the most painful of ways, finally get over Mike.

2018 was not kind to me. Or I suppose I was not kind to myself, but circumstances being what they were it was understandable in my opinion.

January 2^nd 2018 - the year began with me having a long yet normal conversation with Mike on the phone. Making tentative plans to see each other the following weekend to have a “belated Christmas” since we were unable to make it happen before then.

We hung up and he sent me a text with a photo of him holding this baby – a child that was supposed to be his roommates , a woman he didn’t know well that had broken up with the baby daddy and needed a place to stay while she pulled it together. This is what he told me in December, and I actually did question him about it, literally asking him if it was his kid.
He got insulted, made ME cry and regret ever questioning him. So I let it go, but it was in the back of my mind the whole time.

Why? Well other than the obvious, back in 2015 when we were “together” again Id run across a picture on his dads Facebook page taken just a month before on Mikes 42^nd birthday. It was of him, his brother, his sister Colleen, and another person named Colleen. For years this has stuck with me in the back of my mind, but I knew which one was his sister and the other woman was, well, less than attractive so I kind of assumed it was his brother’s girlfriend. Had to be...right?

Over the next 2 years on occasion I’d look up this person on Facebook, who I found through the pages of his family,(yes, a tiny bit “stalky”, but every time he disappeared I just searched for any answers I could find), and her name was Colleen RuXXXXX.(no one reads this but I still want to protect the innocent). Her photo was a painted face so I really couldn’t tell if this was the same person in the photo with Mike until the summer of 2017, when she posted a picture of her with her dad, and this is when I saw the name change to Colleen D.

Again, I wondered but since she was obviously now married to someone in his family I naturally assumed it was his brother and pretty much forgot all about it, until December, when after he told me about this sudden roommate thing with a kid, I looked her up again and her profile photo had been changed to a baby. I followed the leader to her dads page and saw that this little nugget of joy had been born just 3 months prior in October. It stuck with me this time, enough to flat out ask Mike who Coleen Ruxxxx was, and was this his kid. As I said before, this accusation didn’t go over well with him, and he wouldn’t talk to me that night, but the next day called me and we talked for an hour. He told me that it was his BROTHERS wife and kid - the brother that doesn’t even live in Georgia. The roommate with the kid was a different person, and different baby entirely according to him. I believed him…mostly, but again, something just was sitting there in the back of my mind.

When he sent me that photo on January 2^nd of him holding this baby, I asked him if he was babysitting for the roommate and he replied, yes, she’s out getting some cash for her rent this month.

The kid looked familiar, and when I went to look at Colleen Ruxxx Facebook page again suddenly she was no longer there.  Did this person…this stranger...block me? Why would she do that? So I looked her up using a friends page and sure enough, there she was. My stomach was in knots, I was laying in bed. I knew something was up, but I had no idea how to find out for sure. Then I simply googled his name, and her name.

*Baby registry for Mike and Colleen dated for birth in October of 2017*

Followed by WEDDING registry dated December 3rd of 2016!

He’s married. He had been married for almost a year when he contacted me again that October, and had a 3 month old baby. The woman’s voice I’d heard on the phone the spring of 2017 was his PREGNANT wife.

He’s also, (I found after MUCH more research), been with her in since at least 2014, and I have a suspicion that he actually met her while we were still together in 2013 while I was on vacation. The last day he was at my house in 2013 on our 1 year anniversary I caught him outside on the phone with someone that he obviously didn’t want me to hear talking to. When he hung up I asked who it was. He said “My sister, COLLEEN”. I believe it was her, not his sister, and he was throwing it in my “DUMB” face just like he was doing when he sent me that photo.

He really thought ….Im sure THINKS, Im a complete dumbass.

He cheated on her with me repeatedly, not to mention the thousands of not just flirtation texts but straight up sending provocative photos of himself.

I was floored. Humiliated. Furious. Heartbroken.

I called him right then -  11:30 PM on January 4^th and left him a voicemail. He didn’t answer because, of course, he was with HIS WIFE!

I told him I’d seen the baby registry, and that he was garbage. I also told him that I had every photo, and text he’d ever sent me and if he EVER contacted me again I would find Colleen Ruxxx , give her all this information, and blow up his world.

I have never heard from him since.

Meanwhile the year began even though I felt like I was in a complete frozen time warp, and time was just passing while I was in this horrible sadness. I felt like I was dead inside. I wept, sobbed, screamed. My sadness was as deep as it had been when I lost my father. It was different of course but just as devastating in a way, because I had to look at all these YEARS of him making me feel like I was the problem. That the reason we were never able to get back together was somehow my fault. Looks, weight, personality? I was searching for answers that whole time, making myself miserable, when all along it was because he was with someone else, having this real” life”.

Marriage, a child, a family. Things I wanted with him so badly…things I wanted with someone even if it wasn’t him and now, at 48, will never have. The marriage part possibly, but the child? No.

This reality hit me so hard that I was actually seriously suicidal for the first time since I was a teenager. I honestly just wished I’d go to sleep in a drunken haze, and just never wake up.

The first 6 months of this year were pure hell. I drank more than ever. I was depressed to the point of not wanting to even get out of bed, much less exercise. My eating was out of control and while I cared about all of that I felt helpless to do anything about it.

I was able to talk to my friends and family about this at first, but as time went on I stopped because at some point they didn’t want to hear it anymore and frankly it was just rehashing the same things over and over with one exception. Was there...IS there…. actually something wrong with ME?  The thing is I HAVE been trying this whole time to meet other people. Date… have this real “life” thing that everyone else seems to be able to get to but has somehow always eluded me.

I have said this to my friends and of course their response is always “Of course it’s not YOU!”…but what if it is? What if Im so damaged, or just simply unexperienced enough at the age of 48 with the ways of dating to even really be able to have a serious relationship with anyone? Try telling a new person you meet that your dating history basically consists of 1 “serious “ relationship that lasted 1 year, and that you’ve been what Id describe as “on and off” with him for the past 5 years after the official breakup, and that is even stretching the truth. The embarrassing truth is that our “on and off” consisted of a series of him popping in and out of my life via texts and phone calls for a month or so, 2 times a year, and actually meeting up with him a total of 3 times in the past 5 years. Call me crazy, but a relationship that does not make…and I felt crazy for doing it.  I feel crazy NOW writing that and reading it back. Crazy…..

I also felt like I’d been left alone to deal with this. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I don’t blame anyone but myself, not even Mike. I could have walked away from him years ago but chose not to. No, it did not help that he always contacted me again even after Id stopped texting or calling him during one of his disappearing acts. This year is the first time since I met him that he actually stopped for good, and that was only because I finally revealed the truth about him. The gig was up and he knew it.

I do think Mike is sick though. I can’t imagine how anyone could KNOWINGLY inflict so much PAIN on another human being, and just keep on doing it for YEARS, coming in and going out of my life all the while having a completely normal, (and I have to assume great) life with this other woman.

I have always said that if I’d just met someone in all this time that I sparked with the way I did with him I’d have let go of him years ago. But he’s all I had…have….as a memory of what a relationship might be like, and that cold hard reality in itself is so sad on its own that it’s hard to even think about. But I do. I think about it all the time. I don’t want to be alone. Alone is even lonelier the older you get.

I also had to deal with this unending need to send her all this information…to ruin his life. He’d ruined mine after all so why not? Well, no one supported this idea. So instead of doing what I think would have totally cleansed my soul, I did nothing. I swallowed it…and it was choking me. It still is to a degree, but it’s been a year, and sending her that stuff now would only make me look like a crazy bitch. It’s too late. I still hold on to the information though. Partially as a reminder of everything he put me through, and partly just in case I ever get a knock on my door and SHES there wondering who I am.

So she’s still out there, completely oblivious to who I am and what he did, and so is he. Happily married, raising a child. Once in a while I look at their Facebook pages from another friend’s page (Im still blocked on both of theirs of course). The last time I looked was just over Christmas. On her profile photo - which is the only one I can ever see because it’s public - she’s changed it to a few different photos of their baby over this past year, one of which is of Mike and the baby. He’s lost a lot of weight. He looks like he did when we first met. Maybe better.

The one thing that is good out of all this horrible is that I can honestly say that I never EVER want to see him again, so at least there is that. I know it’s awful, and unhealthy, but I can’t forgive him. I want to get past it all. I want to wake up one day soon and realize that the day before I had NOT thought about him because as of now I still think about him every day. Sometimes cry about it, but less than I did last week, or the week before, and I know it will fade over time. I just hope that the scars will too.

 

With that last statement I hope that this will be the last time I ever post about him again. If I do next year I hope it’s because Im doing my typical looking back and realizing how far I’ve come. Away from the thought of him, and the dark, dark days I am trying so hard to leave behind.

So what else happened this past year?

For starters I didn’t even try to date. I completely removed myself from that world. I made the statement last year that I needed a year of ME, and that’s exactly what I had, although not in the way Id planned. The year of me has gotten off track, worse than ever.

My family changed this year too. Mom keeps falling, and Elise keeps pushing her to sell the house and move. It’s not that I disagree with Elise, I do agree that she needs to downsize and get help coming in at the least, but Mom is not ready to have anyone live with her yet. As far as her moving, that’s her decision but I really think the time is coming faster than we all think, and no one is ready for it.

Also, my own fears are getting in the way of me having clear judgement about either moving in with mom, or her selling the house. I keep thinking that when that house goes, our whole family life will change, and not for the better, and when MOM goes, I will be left totally alone. I think about moving up there all the time. I love it up there but I want my own space too, and mom is not ready to give up even one tiny corner of “her” house. It’s a hard inner debate because I could move up there when she’s ready, but I really would be giving up what’s left of my younger life, and given the fact that 50 is right around the corner and Im still alone I don’t think Im ready to do that. If I met someone and WE moved up there it would be different. I’d be settled and WE could be the ones to get her through her last years in the house where she wants to be. The fact is though, that may never happen.

I do have to be realistic. As I stated earlier my lack of experience and my age are working against me, not to mention Im no longer in the best shape mentally or physically. I started out this year wanting to make that change again…turn that corner again, and I really think I was ready to do that, but then was blindsided on day 2 and just never totally recovered.

The only good thing this year brought me was my business being moderately successful. It’s still a constant worry and I MUST make aggressive changes this year to get out of real estate photography and IN Architecture as my main line of work.

I will be turning 49 in June. One more trip around the sun before 50. My life is WAY more than half over.

Every year I make these same statements about making changes and all that, and only one year, 2012, I actually did. I know it’s in me somewhere. I think it’s drowning in a bottle of booze and mayonnaise at the moment…

Now suddenly a year has passed and Im sitting here, 10 lbs heavier than I was last year, in not so great shape anymore, and I want this all to stop. I want to find BECKY again. The person I was becoming in 2012 when I was so happy and proud to finally be losing weight and getting my life together. Before I met Mike D. Before I gave him everything I had inside me that was good. It feels like I lost that person a long time ago. Maybe not entirely, but enough that I’ve been going down a very dark road and I need to turn it around. I HAVE to turn it around.

Reading back further this year than I have in a while of my old posts, I found a few statements that I want to revisit.

 The first is from July of 2011:

“I have made drinking and eating on the weekends a literal activity, instead of an accessory to an activity.”

This statement was made during a therapy session and at the time a real breakthrough for me. Before any weight loss, and before I turned things around I figured this out, and its back to being true only more than just the weekends, so that is the first thing Im going to address in 2019. During that session my therapist suggested that:

“…instead of looking at it like I'm giving something up, think of something positive to replace that activity with…”

So that’s #1.

The next is from January 2012, 8 days in to my quitting drinking and again at a therapy session:

“….We kind of discovered it’s the child's voice in me that still wants what it wants when it wants it no matter what the consequences are, and also, like a child, doesn't really know what is good for it…”

This statement makes total sense to me about so many things. Mike included. I wanted him, he was most definitely NOT good for me, but I did it anyway. Same with food that’s bad for me as well as drinking too much and too often. I must learn again to recognize that this inner “voice” is not to be ignored but addressed, and recognized for what it is. Giving myself permission to fuck it all up.

So that’s #2.

The third is a whole post from the very day I was to go on my first date with Mike D. I didn’t realize that it was from that day until I saw the date, and the fact that I was so incredibly happy and positive at that moment, BEFORE meeting him, speaks volumes.

“THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2012

Going down

So. It's been a long while since I've posted anything....again....and the last time I did I was looking back at all those years of starting over and failing again and again.

I did start again in January like I have so many times before. But this time, something is different. I am making it happen!

The first big change was that I quit smoking. Just quit and never looked back. I can't even stand to be around cigarettes now. So bizarre!

The next thing was the drinking, which I admittedly was not as successful with. I gave up within a few weeks of starting the dry spell, but evidently it was enough to kick start my working out and eating better, and I started losing some weight.

It's been slower than I would like, but as of right now I'm officially 76 lbs lighter than I was in July of 2011 when I stepped on the scale at Emory Hospital considering bypass surgery.

I look and feel so different it's amazing!

I have even started dating again!

The other thing is I'm still struggling to make my photo business work, but I haven't given up.

My life is so much better than it was last year, and this time I have only myself to thank. My will and drive is all my own and for me and me only.

No other human being is responsible for my success or failures, and that's a great feeling.

I still have a long way to go, but this time I know I'm never giving up. Making the effort to eat better and exercise 5-6 days a week is a permanent change that I whole heatedly embrace.

I think I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, in spite of some of the scarier things I may be facing in the near future.

So that's my update! Lets see where I am in another year!”

When I read that this morning I cried. I miss that person far more than I will ever miss Mike, or the Mike that I thought he was. I let myself go back to the person that I was before I even started to lose weight in some ways. Not entirely though, and thank GOD I feel like I’ve caught it just in time. It really is never too late to get it back.

Next year I want to be writing about all the positive things in my life, and positive people in my life, and in spite of the horror that the year was, I want to end this post with some positive thoughts and things I do have that are good in my life.

 Andy and Jason - two of the most wonderful people on the planet, who recently adopted a 10 year old boy, and my best friends. I don’t see them nearly enough and I want to change that.

I joined a pin ball league a month or so ago -  I know it’s a small thing, and it IS at a bar, but it’s a change for the better in that it’s an activity I enjoy that I do BY MYSELF. Yes, I got started in it because of my friend Mary Grace, but I feel comfortable going even when she can’t come and still be OK with it. That’s a huge step for me. There is a game group I joined a year ago and have never been to a single meeting, so I want to start doing that too. By myself.

My business -  again its going well but can be better. I am still so grateful for every client I have and every job I get no matter how far away or how small it may be.

My house – I don’t “love” living here, but I don’t hate it anymore either. The neighborhood is FINALLY gaining value and also, its officially half way paid for. The inner debate to sell or stick it out is still going on, but what I do have with it now is more positive than negative for sure.

My dog -  I love my pup. That is all.

My family - no matter what troubles we have as individuals we still seem to make it work as a family, and I hope to make that bond stronger this year. I want to do more for my mom, and my sisters, in whatever way I can. I want to spend time with each of them in a healthy way, so we can be stronger as a whole when bad times come around.

Myself  - Without over stating the obvious, the weight issue of course, the drinking issue of course, but more than even those I want my happy to come back and stay back for good. Getting that back will help with ALL the other things, and I KNOW it’s within my reach. The fact that I can still see it out there is the most positive thing I have left from this year. 

The light may be dim, but it is far from out.

So as I say goodbye to this year I also am saying goodbye to that part of me that lives in a place of “no”. A place of fear that keeps me from succeeding in every aspect of my life. Im saying good bye to that, and finally, to Mike for the last time.

Im going out tonight to my favorite bar -   My Parents Basement. Im meeting 2 friends, Alexandra and Shane, but they aren’t going to stay the whole time so I’ll be on my own at midnight. I may cut and run and go to Andy and Jasons’, but I may stay and just do ME. Either way it’s going to be a good night, and a great start to 2019.

See you next year.

New Years Eve 2017

FAST FROWARD 1 YEAR LATER

Well I never got back to my post.  Now its New Years Eve of 2017.

I can sum up the rest of 2016. After being stood up in the spring of 2016 by Mike we still were on and off talking until the end of May, when he pulled the famous disappearing act again.

Devastated again as usual, I went months recovering from it and trying to date other people.

I met a guy mid-summer named Andrew Bedson. He was tall dark and handsome and I thought we had really hit it off, but unfortunately I was wrong because after about 2 months he ended it saying he didn’t think we have any chemistry. Actually that’s not right, I ended it and he followed up by say in “yeah I was going to anyway …” a month later I saw him on Facebook in “relationship” with a chick that was on his page when we met. Who knows why we didn’t hit it off but I was OK with it because 2 days after that was over guess who showed up again?

Mike of course.

Again for about a month before I busted him out for lying about going to his step fathers birthday dinner and breaking plans with me to do it. His step dads birthday is in June. I knew it because Id remembered a text conversation we had where he said he was going to play poker at his house for his birthday on June 17^th. Then I FOUND the text conversation, then I looked up his step dad on line to be sure and of course, June 17^th is his birthday.

When I confronted Mike about this he got pissed off and hung up on me, disappearing again.

I went through the same sadness I go through every time, but not having seen him in a year at that point I felt like it wasn’t as bad as it had been, and soon I was trying to date other people again.

So there is where I was on New Years Eve of 2016 going into 2017. I was heading out to a party up the street at Beth and Johns. I wanted to start fresh and dive into a new year with hope and peace in my heart and I really didn’t have either of those things. I missed Mike, and I was just lonely, period. Dating or trying to date seems like it was going nowhere and I was just sad.

The only good thing was that my break in the fall of 2016 with Home Tour America did not detour my business but ignited it, and I was on my own for the first time in 2017.

That party was fun, but it was not what I wanted to be doing.

I did miss him… Mike…terribly. I even texted him New Years day but of course no answer. I knew he was with that girl, whoever she is / was and I was so heart sick.

The girl…

So part of what was happening in the fall of 2016 when he got back in touch with me was that he had met someone and was dating her. He said it was nothing serious though, but something told me otherwise. He liked this girl, and I knew in my heart the plans that he broke with me were because of her.

I met a guy In December named Joey that stung me along for about 3 months and I was stupid gullible to go along with it. Texting me every day and such but only meeting me a couple of times. The last of which was dinner at my house and we made out like crazy, then he left. The next time we talked he said he had to move out of state. This guy I seriously think may have either been married or had a girlfriend, I don’t know, but I guess my dating experience and communications with Mike over the years was such a normal thing to me it didn’t seem strange that he only called me while he was walking the dogs, or that he only saw me coming home from work, . Just shady stuff like that. So by April, of 2017, I was so over dating anyone that I had taken my profile down and was just going to be alone. I was not happy, but not horribly sad either, and I was busy. REALLY busy with work. This was great, but it was not helping me to curb my drinking.

I spent 2017 doing the same things I did in 2016. Drinking pretty much daily and snacking. I did manage to lose some weight again, and got down to 219 ish, but am now back to 229. I am grateful its not 240 and am once again determined to make a change this year.

But Im getting ahead of myself.

In April of 2017, Mike showed up again. Almost to the day of when he messaged me the year before he did it again, and just like that time before we went from texting to talking and wanting to see each other right away, but something was different. He was hiding something. I couldn’t prove it but I felt it and once when we were on the phone at night all of the sudden I heard a woman voice in the background, acting surprised and starting to say something like…”What the hell…” and then he hung up the phone.

I sat there and was just stunned. That was the girl. It HAD to be. I waited. He texted me a few minuted later saying that he was in the bathroom and that the phone had fallen on the floor.

I said,.. Mike…I HEARD HER.

A minute or so passed. He responded that it was a friend and his girlfriend that had stopped by. I said, “and they just walked in the door without knocking?” Realizing then he’d said he was in the bathroom so I said, “and she walked in on you in the bathroom??”

He went into defense mode saying I could either believe him or not.

I wanted to believe him so much. I knew he was lying but I still wanted to see him so I let it go.

I figured if I could see him in person and talk to him and SEE his face while doing so I would know if he was lying. He’d told me they were broken up, but yet there was this chick just coming into his house.

I was hurt and felt stupid, but I continued to talk to him until you guessed it, he disappeared again at the end of May, just like the year before.

This time I was just devastated. Partly from my own stupidity and partly from the thought that he had let someone in his life so much that either she lived there or at the very least felt comfortable enough to just walk in unannounced. Id never had that with him. I wondered what was so special about her for him to let her in like that, and it made me feel like I was just this fat lonely person that would never meet anyone and was always going to be alone. I had a hard time of it for longer than I had since we first broke up.

I tried to jump right back into dating on line, and met 3 people. One of which I actually liked, but turned out to be a train wreck of course. I spent the summer struggling with this and drinking every day. I have been faithful with my exercise still so have managed to maintain the weight loss again to a degree, but its pretty clear that I need to make some major changes in 2018.

So fast forward to October, yes, he texted me again. This time saying that he was “sorry for all the bullshit.” Again, like every time before we were hot and heavy right away, and this time I actually SAW him. December 2^nd. He came to my house. Having him here was so surreal. It was the first time he’d been here since he walked out the door going to work on the morning of our 1 year anniversary. We had lunch. Then we came back here and fooled around. Naked in front of him for the first time in 2 years. It felt amazing and I was so happy when he left.

  

Again, I thought, this is it. This is FINALLY it. So now its New Years Eve and guess what? No Mike. Are we still talking. Barely. He told me like 3 days ago that he just wants to be friends. SERIOUSLY. I have cried more in the last few days than I have…well…since last Spring.

I don’t want to go into 2018 like this. I had thought we were going to spend this night together and wake up tomorrow with hope and a full heart for the coming year. Instead Im sitting here at almost 6:00 PM, still in my pajamas form last night, and just tried to call him. Left him a tearful voicemail wishing him a happy new year.

Now I'm about to get in the shower to go to Jennifer and Isaacs house for a little game night party. I wanted to do this though because I REALLY am going to turn this around in 2018. I'm not saying I will be getting rid of Mike, but I will be putting myself first and making changes. Drinking – the biggest one. I wont say I'm going to quit, but I cant keep going on the way I have been. I'm making myself miserable and its time to stop. I have been so sad these past few days its like a noose around my neck and I want to cut that rope. I am going to dedicate myself to ME this year. I hope to have something better to report this time next year. I really do. I don't know if I should even try to hope for a relationship. I think its far more important for me to fix ME and be OK with NOT having someone in my life. As far a Mike goes....well...I still don't want to let him go, but I cant have him either and certainly cant just be his friend so I will have to learn to do that too and for good. 

I WILL have my life back in 2018.

Happy New Year. 

Starting 2017 with a purge - New Years Eve 2016

New Years Eve 2016 – I started writing this New Years Eve and was not able to get back to it until today, so here we go.

2016 in review:

Well here we are again. It's the end of another year and once again I did what I have done every year for what I think is more than 10 now, I begin my day by going back and reading my post from last year. I also went back further this time. I started reading inserts from the very beginning and not surprisingly was reminded of my constant struggle with my weight, with drinking, and with not letting things go. Also of my apparent obsession with men that I fall in love with.

 I wanted to begin 2016 the way that I did in 2012 when I finally became somewhat at peace with myself and my body as it was. I wanted to enter this year with the final step of my new and improved body well on his way to being healed, and my heart well on his way to be whole again. Neither of those things happened, of course, as you can see from the post from New Year's Eve last year. I also realize this morning looking back at things that this will be the fifth New Years Eve in a row that I have posted things about Mike Douglas. Yes the demon still lives in me, although in a different way than it did a year ago.

I honestly can't remember exactly how I was feeling new years day last year, but I know it was not good. Not being able to do anything New Year's Eve because of my leg, I went to bed early. I was sad, unhappy, lonely, and I wanted more than anything to wake up on New Year's Day with a renewed sense of purpose, drive and easy heart.

The months that would follow we're a slow trip downhill. I had moments of happiness so it wasn’t all bad, and I did manage to turn things around in June, but going in it was just stagnant. I wanted to be moving forward and instead I felt like I was just existing, not moving anywhere, and definitely not meeting any goals Id set for myself.

I would like to be able to blame someone for my depression or my longing to be with Mike. The fact that I was drinking, and snacking far too much on a daily basis has not helped. This is very much like how used to behave when I was 340 pounds. Snacking and drinking, trying to fill up the hole in my heart through instant gratification, a behavior that has continued off and on throughout the rest of the year.

I  also wasn't able to work out like I had been so I gained weight, maxing out at 240 before I pulled it together.

I'd like to blame my Dr., who I still feel like did not have any clue what to do when my leg would not heal.

Having to go back to work with a gaping wound on my inner left thigh right next to my crotch, not to mention spending hundreds of dollars I didn’t have on bandages and doctor bills that I'm still paying off was not in my plan, and Im sure played a huge part in my state of mind.

My saving graces have been my family, the few people I still call friends, a busy year with work, and my continued dedication to exercise. Thank GOD I haven’t lost the want to exercise or who knows where Id be.

Saying that I have been depressed does not really cover it in my book. There were times when I genuinely thought that I was going to have to live with this giant gaping horrific looking wound forever. I didn’t feel like I could make anyone understand what I was going through, and let’s face it after a while people just do their thing and forget about what you might be still dealing with.

I had my work, occasional “conjugal” visits form Justin, and the memory of a time when my life was so good that just felt like a dream.

I hit bottom in May, but looking back I think my spiral into that dark place had started when Mike and I broke up in the fall of 2013.

I can't say that last year was the worst year of my life though. 2014 got that prize when my dad died but it just seems like it hasn't gotten any easier.

The level of loneliness that I have in my body and in my heart was pretty deep. But I haven't given up. I won't ever give up.

After everything I've been through with all the surgeries, heart ache, weight loss, weight gain, losing friends that I thought I would never lose because of my inability to hide or swallow my sorrow and my pain and just be happy, and of coursed the never ending thought of “what if” with Mike, it’s not surprising I suppose that I was in a dark place.

 I think if I had not had my work I would've gone crazy. I would go back-and-forth between weeks of being at work with no problem and then something would happen with the leg and I would have to take a couple days off again.

I missed my two dear friends getting married Nancy and Shelley because  the day  of their wedding I had my leg closed again for the last time. It did reopen again to my

horror in two days, but somehow my doctor discovered what I now consider to be a miracle cure. It is a product called meta-honey. I don't know why she didn't discover this in December after the first time it opened, but she didn't, and so my leg did not officially closed until about the middle of March, and even then for months I was having to be careful in the area.

In spite of that, Justin, (the guy I mentioned last year as being a reason for me to keep hope alive in the form of new friendship or possible new love, and at the very least someone to help me get over Mike Douglas), kept coming around.

Justin. Justin Willimas I guess will go down in my history books as being the only other guy besides Mike that I “dated” for more than a month.

I use quotes for “dated” because he was actually worse than Mike in that department. He was OK about coming over to my house when I couldn’t drive, but as soon as  I could, at the end of January, he stopped coming to my house and wanted me to go to his. Now you’d think after Mike that I would have embraced this whole heartedly, and I did try to, but he was a pig.

His place was beyond filthy and I hated going over there. I did it anyway, or I’d never have seen him, but it was once a week or every other week, and only for a couple of hours at most. I’d walk in the door, we would go at it, and then “cuddle” for a little while, then I’d go home and he’d go to work.

This routine not only made my heart sick, but my body too, as I had repeated female issues due to his lack of cleanliness. HE wasn’t dirty, he just had a big hairy dog, 2 cats, and a broken will so he let the place get overrun with animal hair and I think that was the cause of the female issues. That and what I’m sure was a compromised immune system on my part from the trauma by body had been, and was still going through.

This would not go anywhere, and in May I officially ended it, but I don’t think I would have if Mike had not re-entered the picture.  

In March I wrote to him over Facebook and told him that I was sorry for lashing out at him in December after my surgery and that I was finally getting to be happy again and that I had met someone and was actually happy. It wasn’t completely true, but I wanted him to think it was, and I also think I was trying desperately to convince myself it was true too. What is it they say, Fake it till you make it? Well I was faking it, but not making it.

So let’s look at the first 6 months of 2016, and this will explain some things.

1: Depression after any surgery is common, but I had major healing issues, plus was depressed to begin with so that just got worse.

2: I was seriously worried about my leg and being deformed in a very delicate area forever, which would make my already difficult dating life nearly impossible.

3: Money. The surgery, the recovery, my shitty insurance that didn’t cover so many things, my house – (roof leak $1000 plus other things later this year too)

4: I was seriously worried about my work. Even though I was busy I could feel mounting tensions with my main client and even though I had planned on breaking with them at some point, I wasn’t ready for it to be just pulled away when I was having such a hard time.

5: Mood swings – I don’t know if it was hormonal because the Dr also told me in May, she thought I might be pre-menopausal. Id skipped periods starting the first of the year and after thinking I was pregnant she announced this to me with kind of a “meh…who knows?” shrug…useless…

6: The aftermath of said mood swings. My relationships with friends and family were at best strained, and I think I damaged my friendship with Alex and Scott forever, something I may or may not get into later.

7: Weight gain. The kiss of death. In spite of being back to a regular routine of cardio, Id definitely lost something, and the 10 lbs I gained right after Mike disappeared in the fall of 2015 turned into 25 lbs. I was back to 240 at my heaviest last spring and feeling like I was never going to get a handle on it. Watching it all slip away.

Suffice to say it was piling on from the fall of 2013, and every time I felt like there was a glint of light at the end of the tunnel, something else would come slam it shut.

Sleeping with Mike in 2015 was a mistake, I know it, but I still can’t bring myself to regret it. I’ve had so many unhappy moments in the past years that having that one bit of happiness, as fucked up as it was, is something I have held on to since then. Which I suppose is why, 5 months after he completely disappeared without a word, when I got a text from him I answered immediately, and why 2 months later I broke things off with Justin for good.

Im pretty sure it was the morning of Thursday April 7^th. I was on my elliptical doing my usual routine when I got a text. I didn’t look at it right away, but when I did, I literally almost fell off the machine. There he was.

I stopped what I was doing immediately and read it. What did it say… something like “heyyah, sorry I haven’t been in touch. Been a bad few months. Just wanted to say hi and hope your well.”

I really didn’t know what to say and I thought for 1 minute sitting there…don’t answer back. Just delete it. He will not text me again if you don’t answer back. But I did of course, and we were off and running. I started that day texting him asking questions about what happened, which he would never answer completely. We texted all day even while I was shooting. The day ended with us on the phone talking in a way that we really never had before. This was new. Catching up had turned into flirting, and reminiscing about the times we were together and how great the sex was and well, buy the time the day was out we were in a whole different place. Or so I thought.

We made plans to meet at my house Sunday, and for the next 2 days we were non-stop texting, flirting everything I had hoped for 5 months earlier now seemed to be flooding back to me. I was overwhelmed with joy and thought, FINALLY, this is IT!!!

Whatever he needed to work through he’s done it and our time is HERE!

Sunday I was so excited I left moms house in a frenzy to get home and get things ready. I was going to recreate the first dinner I ever cooked for him, we were going to talk, eat, and spend the night together. FINALLY, and in my new body, weight gain or not, I felt like I was beyond sexy and couldn’t wait to be with him.

I’ve never been stood up before, so when he was late, I thought, ok, he will call me and tell me something is up, but no matter what, I WILL NOT freak out on him and text him anything nasty. And he will show, he’s just late.

He didn’t show up, and he didn’t call me until the next day. His excuse was that he’d left his phone and wallet with his friend that he’d helped move earlier that day, and when the friend returned it to him it was so late he didn’t want to wake me up.

Seriously, that’s what he told me.

This is a long story, and I really want to get it all out once and for all, so Im going to pause here, post this and get back to it.

2017 is going to be good. I just need more time to get the bad out. 

New Years Eve 2016

Happy New Year. I have been trying to get to this today because I have a lot to say. I want to talk about whats happened in this last year as I always do, and I also want to talk about what Im doing tonight. I have a bunch of things written down but not ready to post, so I will finish this tomorrow with an entry on January 1, 2017, however the one thing that I want to have with the date stamped 2016 is this.

This is the year Im letting go. Im doing what Anne Marie, Luke, Dave and I did on New Years Eve of 2011. We sat out by my fire pit, wrote things down on pieces of paper and burned them. Some we read allowed, some we read to ourselves. Some were about what we wanted to let go of, and some were about things we wanted to change for the better. The burning symbolically puts the good things into the universe and releases the bad things.

Im going to a party at my sisters house tonight with Anne Marie, and I've already told her that at some point, (it may be past midnight but its OK), were doing that again.
Its raining so the odds are a little against a fire, but if I have to pull out my damn grill at 2 AM its happening.

Tomorrow I will post the huge massive mess this year was, and I will end it with what I wrote down and burned tonight save one thing. Mike Douglas. For 5 New Years Eves in a row I've written his name and I want this to be the last, and if not, let it be because I have succeeded in letting him go from my heart.

Happy New Year. I sincerely hope and, really KNOW in my heart I can make things turn around this year. I will NEVER give up!

Cheers!

New Years Eve 2015

New Year's Eve 2015

Well here we are again. Another year gone swiftly by. 

So I'll begin where I left off last year. 

To sum it up, I made the declaration to be healthy, mentally and physically. To pull it together with drinking, eating and my biggest drug of all time, Mike.

So what happened?

Well, week one of January was pretty good. I was on a great path. I'd actually started to try to meet people again to move past Mike. 

I'd texted with him New Year's Eve on the way to dinner but decided that was it, so the next day I put myself out there again.

Surprisingly it didn't take long to get a response, and although the guy I decided to talk to didn't turn out to be what I'd wanted, it was at least nice to know it was out there.

So I was feeling ok. 

Then we went to Arlington National Cemetery the second week in January to officially bury my dad. The trip was amazing. I say thank you to my sister Elise and my mom for making it this way...more my sister frankly just because she really went out of her way to make sure we were all paid for and comfortable in spite of the cost, but my mom too for just being strong and enduring what I can only imagine to be an impossible task. How do you bury someone and leave them behind?

Well, we did. In full military style and grace. Mom and dads friends showed up too, but the best thing for me was having Anne there. She was always such a light for my dad and I loved that she was able to join us in this final act of paying respect to him. 

It was days of emotion and overwhelming grief for me in the end. On the plane coming home I had my biggest moment of sadness and loss I think I've ever felt in my life.

When we got back to Atlanta it was miserably cold, rainy and just awful. I was sitting in traffic for 2 hours trying to get home crying the whole time, and suddenly nothing would satisfy me but hearing from Mike. So I texted him, and he responded, and then it was off and running again.

In the next few months I "dated"  couple of guys, all the while talking to Mike. Keeping him informed of each move I made. Getting his feedback. I know...stupid. I think I was trying to make him jealous but that's impossible to do with someone that doesn't care about you in the first place. 

Also, my life in general changed. In a good way, I was very busy with work, and on the weekends, I'd most often be with mom. She was,and is, incredibly lonely and it breaks my heart for her. 

I don't go up there because I feel sorry for her though, I do it because I love her, and I want to make her happy. Unfortunately, we seem to butt heads more often than not, so that's just made life that much harder. She wants me up there all the time. Gotten used to it in fact, but we fight. Sometimes horribly. It's so unnecessary too. 

Part of me feels like it's because I feel like she has no faith in me as a person. That every word I say has to be verified by Elise or Beth. It's gotten worse as the year has passed. 

I'm now feeling more like I owe her something rather than her just wanting me there because she loves me. It's certainly not for my company. We can't even agree on a movie to watch half the time. But she wants me there all the same, so I go. 

Hey, parents are human too. I can't necessarily blame her. I just never realized how much she genuinely dislikes me. It's very sad to me, but I'll still go up and spend my weekends and do what she wants me to do. I do owe her so if she can't feel love for me, I'd at least like for her to feel like I understand the sacrifices she and dad made for me and that I'll work to pay her back as much as I can.

She does like when I cook for her, and when we talk bout dad. Other than that, I think she'd rather not know me at all.

If I could be more like my sisters, and keep my opinions to myself that would probably help, but she raised me, so I'd think she would be proud of the fact that I have my own mind. They do as well of course, they just don't speak about it. That, to me feels like lying. It feels gross, and false, that's not me. I know there is something to be said about restraint as well, so that's something I'm working on moving forward.

Helpful or hurtful. That is where I am now with mom. Will what I say be helpful or hurtful. I try for helpful, or silence. Hurtful does come out now and then though.

I miss daddy. He really did love me. He listened to me too. Really listened. There are things, of course that i never have told him, and maybe that's the difference. I don't know. I just want it to be better. I love my mom and all I want is for us to be able to be ok with each other.

My life this past year has been work/mom/work/mom/work/mom. Any social life I used to have doesn't exist anymore. I think I've been out a total of 12 times in the past year and a chunk of that was DragonCon (yay! I finally made it !) and a few weeks in September when Beth and John had to be up at my folks house to get ready for their wedding. Which ended in the last, and best night I had in 2015, which was my last night with Mike.

So what happened with Mike. 

Jesus I'm not sure I can even talk about it still. I am not as heartbroken as I was at first, largely due to a new presence in my life, Justin, but it's still there. Unresolved. As it will always be I guess. 

We had a build up, and finally saw each other again in April. It was like we had never been apart. Then he disappeared. I got mad and hurt of course, then things started up again in late August. Then, finally the last weekend in September, we were together again. When I say night was like a movie it really was. We laughed, we cried. We even had a moment when my favorite Radiohead song -Fake Plastic Trees, was playing, where I was laying on his legs and looking up at him and I said, "do you think we were just bad timing?" And even he ...as much of a cold hard ass as he is...got teary and said, "yeah maybe"

Ugh. It brings me to tears now just thinking of it.

But what follows doesn't. We went on taking, flirting, making plans, but never could seem to work it out. Finally, after what was suppose to be a real date weekend, where I was meeting his friends and he was coming to Elise's Halloween party with me, none of which worked  out of course, he texted me on November  2nd, (ironically the anniversary of his mothers death) and just apologized for being busy that weekend. Then I just never heard from him again. Literally.

I wrote him for a couple of weeks. At first assuming he needed space for the time of the year etc, then thinking something had happened to him, I got panicky. No response. For all I know he might be dead, or in jail, but most likely, just Mike. Mike who instead of being able to say goodbye has to just fucking bail and break me half, leaving the shattered bits again and again.

To be fair, I went in with my eyes open, it just felt like it was really going to happen. Like we were so close to getting back together and all the crying and heart ache and waiting I'd done for 2 long years had been worth it, and of course, meant to be. Not so much.

I finally stopped texting him. I did, in December, finally write him a long note on messenger, basically stating how unnecessary this all was and also, that he was a coward and a user. Words I'd never said to him out of fear that he'd get mad and never talk to me again, but words that needed to be said, because they are true, and he knows it. 

I did it in the midst of my recovery from my last surgery...which has not gone well.

This leads me to my current state of being. Surgery. 

December 2nd was my last hoorah of surgery. The big daddy of them all. The thigh lift. The risks being higher than any of the previous ones due to where it is, and the fact that it's rarely done. 

I had many moments where I thought seriously of cancelling this surgery. I even talked about it with Mike right before my pre op. We had just been together and I asked him flat out if he thought it made a difference, or would make a difference, and he said , to his credit, that whatever he thought didn't make a difference. 

Even though I know he's right, I can say, especially now, as I sit here 4 weeks in, with a giant gaping wound in my left thigh millimeters from my lady parts, if he had said even one thing that made me think he'd have been ok with me just the way I was, I'd never have done this.

Miles in debt before this but even more so now, this has been the worst experience in a personal way ever. More so because I have to do it alone. Financially it's broken me. The cost of bandages alone weekly has exceeded my budget so much that I'm just maxing out the last credit card I have until I can't use it anymore. 

Ironically if I'd not had the issue...the explosion...I'd be doing really well as most of the wounds are healing very well.

12 hours in I knew there was a problem. Massive pain and my left leg was tight as a drum. Long story short, the next night it exploded with a giant hematoma behind the incision right at the top of my thigh in my groin. I had to have emergency surgery to close it in the middle of the night. 

Once again, a hospital bill of 22,000$ of which I have no idea what my crappy insurance I'll have to pay, but I know whatever it is, I can't pay it.

Meanwhile, the re-closed wound opened again a week later and this has been the scene for the last 3 weeks. Peeing standing up, I don't even want to talk about the other mess. Bandages multiple times a day, and it's not getting better. 

Well, maybe it is....a little , but it got worse before it got better. I'm having to pound 200 grams of protein a day and I'm going to try going back to work in 3 days with no idea how I'm going to deal with going to the bathroom, or not being able to wear jeans and ummm underwear, and leaky bandages, and a slew of other things. I need the money desperately too, and I think I'm losing Home Tour America as a client as well. It's unsure, and might in the end be the driving force to get me to solicit more clients, but still, right now I just need stability. 

There's nothing steady,or sure about my life right now. 

I have a few warm lights. My family of course, my few friends who I hold dear, and a new presence in my private life, Justin. 

I'm pretty sure we will be friends in the end. I like him but we're very different, and I think I'm probably a filler for what he really wants, and he might be the same for me as well. But I will say, he's here, now, (well not here WITH me now) but he hasn't bailed through all this. We got together  2 weeks before my surgery and I told him then he might want to revisit this in January, but he's stuck around. Talking to be daily either on the phone, or texts, or both, and coming to see me a few times a week.

Granted the visits are a little one sided in his favor, but I do enjoy his company so I really don't care. 

I wish I could say something about what I want this next year. I seem to do that every year and it really never makes a difference. It's either there or it's not. 

Tonight I'm not happy, but I'm not sad either. I'm home alone, healing. Yeah I wish I was with Justin, or if thing s had worked out, that other one..

And I really wish the neighbors would shut up and stop firing guns...

Ok one thing I'll say I wish for this year. I want to move. I want to get my house in order enough to get the hell out of here for good. It might take me a year to prepare for it, but I really am sick of this crap. My nerves are shot and I just can't deal with all the crap that comes from owning a house by myself anymore. 

I don't think I'll ever get married. I don't even know anymore if I will even ever be in a long term relationship again, or ever live with a man. I'm getting older every day, and that dream just seems to be getting further and further away. 

I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic, and frankly, if I'm going to be alone I'd better start accepting it finally so it won't hurt so badly anymore.

So it's almost 2016. I'll text Justin in a minute and wish him a happy new year. I'm in bed, completely sober, anxious from the stupid gun shots, and really, all I can say I want in my immediate future is to get well and get back to work. 

Beyond that it is what it is.

Happy new year.