2013

Sitting here with 53 minutes left in 2013.

Here is home. I had big plans for this New Year's Eve. Well, not huge, but not being home, alone, texting my ex-boyfriend deep meaningful things when he's "passed out in the sofa".

Truth is, he very likely may be. I hope so. Not that I wanted him to be doing nothing without me tonight, clearly he's doing stuff.

I guess I hoped he'd miss me more.

I guess it’s weird that were even still talking at all. Texting I mean. I haven't heard his voice since the second week in October.

Last meeting, October 6th when I saw him drive away on Sunday morning after celebrating our 1st anniversary.

But wait! This is supposed to be about my year and already it's turned into a diatribe about Mike.

I guess that sort of sums it up.

I spent the majority of 2013 with Mike Douglas. I've spent the last 3 months without him, but constantly obsessing about him.

Actually I think I obsessed about him from the beginning.

There's something about him that I can't get out of my head and my heart. And no, it's not his dick...well maybe it is a little bit....pun NOT intended.

Sometimes I honestly think I stayed with him because I just wanted a boyfriend.

I wanted a Valentine.

I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday, for his birthday, for vacations and weekends and bbqs and parties and to not always be the single girl showing up to every single event of all time.

Ironically even though I was with him, I still didn’t have those things.

We never went to parties.

We never met any of his friends out, or mine.

Valentines day was sort of a bust.

I had to beg him to come to my parents house for my birthday, and he was miserable the whole time.

AND he didn’t get me a gift until we were at Best Buy and I told him he could buy me a Blue Ray player. He did, but then told me he couldn’t pay for dinner. Also, he wanted to “get it over with”. Nice, huh.

He took his vacation time without me and didn’t even try to go to Florida with me.

But there was more. It wasn’t all bad. I genuinely miss the times we were at my house too. (which was pretty much all we ever did anyway) Watching movies together, having dinner, hanging out, and the best sex I've ever had in my life.

 I just feel like there was always something missing. Communication. He told me so little about his life.

 There were rare times when he'd be relaxed and he'd just start talking about stuff. Family stuff.

 I'm not even sure he remembers some of the things he told me. Not because he was drunk or something, (he rarely drank at all, which I liked)but because he just goes away into his own head.

I could say a lot of negative things about our relationship, a good deal of which came from me, not just him. I became a crazy person in the end.

Driven there by my own paranoia but fueled by his need for privacy, keeping me a secret, and well, lying to me.

I'm trying to let this go.

I talk to him too much.

Correction...text.

I'm home alone on New Year's Eve for the first time in so long I literally can't remember when it was. I think I may have been 15.

It's not bad really, and well, I do have a kidney infection and all.

My own fault. I don't like the person I've been the last few months. Actually, the last 6 months since I found out about Mike not going to New York and lying to me about it. I became a paranoid, mistrusting person. For good reason, but still. I acted out on it over and over, and usually after Id been drinking so any validity in my message was always lost in the delivery. You can only flip out on someone so many times before they have just had enough.

God I just wish he'd talk to me to tell me the truth. He's never going to. I don't know why he even texts with me. It's me. He's responding to me.

Just being nice?

Keeping me in the loop just in case?

Waiting until I have surgery so he can reassess?

Still loves me and can't quite let me go?

I'd vote for the last one, even though that's injected with a little too much feeling for him. I don't know if it was just with me, but emotions ran very thin with him.

So it didn't work out. But I still obsess about him, and god knows why but I still cry over him and miss him. Fuck.

So what did work out?

Well I lost 20 lbs. 30 really but 20 as of now. Gotta be honest, not the goal I'd set for myself.

 Got a trainer. Lianne Horne. She's the gym angel. She's incredibly inspiring and I feel so lucky to have her.

That being said, coupled with the fact that my work outs have been so consistent I should have lost more. It's my eating and my drinking that have kept me from losing more this past year.

Drinking. So as I said before I am home tonight because I have a kidney infection. Nothing to do with drinking. I got it doing something stupid that I deeply regret.

In any case, I was so put out about the idea of not being about to go out or even drink on New Year's Eve that I looked up multiple sites on the net giving me permission to do it....just a little.

So I did. I had 8 beers.

That's a lot for most people. Shit mike would probably be on his ass! Unless of course, he drinks more than he said he does. I never saw him around his friends so I really don't know.

I know I drank less around him by a huge amount so I can see how it could happen.

The point is, I risked my kidneys to have 8 beers that didn't even get me buzzed just to have drinks on New Years....alone.

I stopped probably an hour ago. I'm glad. I'm not even sure why I did it. When I started to even have a drink I kind of already didn't want it.

So that's got to change. Immediately, because the only things I need to be focused on are my work, and my health.

Surgery in 40 days. I'm scared and excited and I really have no idea what to expect.

More than one person has asked me questions about if I'm at my goal weight so it's evident that I've got a ways to go.

I don't know. I hope I don't look like a freak. I don't know what I'd do if it turns out scary instead of helpful.

I wanted Mike to be holding my hand through all of this. He knows about it, and knows I want to meet him before-hand. I ask over and over and he just says nothing.

See. I keep doing it. Everything turns back to him.

It's 17 minutes to midnight. All I can think about is how much I wish he was here with me right now.

Wondering if he really is opening tomorrow, or if he's off, out, and going to kiss another girl at midnight.

Not going to lie, that was my plan for tonight before kidney sicko ness got involved, but truthfully that's not what I really wanted. I'm not so terribly upset not to be out tonight after all. And the 8 beers? What a dumbass I am.

I want the last 3 months of this year to be washed clean and put behind me. I'll keep the other 9....forgiving the last 4 months of our time together of my craziness, and his....lack of ability to let me in, and the lies.

12 minutes left.

What will I be doing this time next year?

 Will I be with Mike?

 What will my body look like?

 Will I have let him go?

 Will I be successful?

Will my daddy still be here?

10 minutes left.

I wonder what he's doing right now?

Is he thinking about me?

I hope I didn't damage my kidneys.

I hope I have the strength to meet my goals this year in all ways.

Drinking, exercise, food, and work.

Still thinking about him.

8 minutes left.

When I ask him if I should give up on us he says “who knows what the future holds.”

From him, that could mean I still love you too but I'm staying away...for?....

More likely it’s a straight forward answer. Simply...WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, literally. That sounds much more like him.

Huh, when I say he grounded me, I guess he did in more than one way.

I know I deserve to be loved in the way I want to be, but for some reason I keep thinking it’s in him to be that way with me.

Like I was always just outside the gate, and maybe soon it will swing wide open, finally letting me in.

6 minutes to go.

I need to heal in so many ways. Please god help me to wake up tomorrow with new light in my life.

2 minutes to go.

Alone. Thinking of him.

Thinking of what's going to happen in 40 days. It seems unreal. Like something that's not really going to happen.

1 minute

Mike wherever you are, I love you. I want us to be happy.

Together or apart.

 I want to heal my heart and live a good life this year.

Happy New Year baby. 

Last day of 2012

Its been almost a year to the day that I last posted anything. Looking at that post from January I see a person who was full of hope and determination. I wish Id kept up writing throughout the year because I found that post very revealing today.
2012 is ending in a little more than 12 hours. So what has 2012 left me with? Another year older and deeper in debt! Well yes, that's true. I'm still unemployed, and although I have been working on starting a photography business, I admit my focus has been elsewhere.
My unemployment ended Friday the 29th, (unless the government gets it together) but I still have options I'm looking into that will hopefully at least save my house, and one of my goals for the new year is to refocus on the business and really get it moving.

I know I can do it.

 How do I know?

Because looking back at all these years of struggle I know now that if I'm determined to do something nothing can keep me from it.
If I ever need proof of that all I have to do is look at the picture I posted in May 2011 (left), when I was considering weight loss surgery, and look at myself now. (right)

I don't even look like the same person, and in may ways I'm not. Inside and out. 

As of today I've lost 86 lbs from July 30th of 2011 (78 of which is since January 4th 2011) when I weighed in at Emory for the orientation of possible weight loss surgery....and I did it WITHOUT surgery. I've still got another 76 ish to go but seeing my progress over the year I know I can reach my goal. 

I don't need surgery. I only need myself.

I don't know that I ever really thought that before.  Even back in 2000 when I last lost about the same amount of weight. I was never at my real goal, and I got comfortable and just stopped. Never imagining that the weight would ever come back but obviously this is a lifelong thing that I'm doing that wont ever stop. I used to think that the thought of never being able to stop fighting this battle with my body was a miserable, daunting task and maybe that's why I just gave up. I don't feel that way anymore. Sometimes I get down about the way my body looks, but its mine and I know I have to love it and keep it as healthy as possible. Period. I have to forgive myself when I fall, and just get up and keep moving forward.

Admittedly, December has been a month of little to no forward progress in the weight loss arena, BUT, as my therapist advised, the goal for the holidays is not to lose weight, but just not to gain any, and that I have accomplished. 

My changes inside have been remarkable as well. I have more self esteem and confidence than ever before. I feel like there is hope for me for the future in business as well as love. 

I KNOW in my heart and soul that love is out there for me as well as success. The love part is kind of in the works, and other than keeping myself calm and trying not to fall back into old habits of self doubt and over thinking everything there is not much I can do to make that happen. 

I have met someone, Mike D., who I've now been dating since October 4th, (first date! hehe) and I really have fallen hard for him. 

Sometimes I'm not sure if its because were always basically sober together, which makes this a first for me in sooo many ways, or if its actually love and I just keep trying to justify it. Never having had it returned to me makes it very hard to recognize when it is. 

Its a far from perfect story and he has a lot of things in his life that make it complicated for us to really move forward, (including the tragic death of his mom about a month in to us seeing each other) but it looks like whatever is going to happen as far as us moving forward as a couple, or breaking up entirely (which I sincerely hope does NOT happen) is going to happen in the next few weeks. 

It all hinges on a trip hes taking to see his dad in North Carolina this Friday. 

Complicated... he hates his job, which I don't blame him for because it does kind of suck, but hes supposed to be getting a promotion mid January which will hopefully make that better. Hes also about to have to move and he says he thinks hes worked that out with a friend of his as far as getting a new roommate and such. The trip, however, is I think to see what his options might be if he moved up there with his dad. 

I sincerely only want whats best for him, and if its to move I guess that's what it will be. 

I've already been thinking of all the good things hes brought to my life that hes not even aware of, and if he disappears from it I will miss him terribly but never regret the time we've spent together. If God or the universe wants me to be with him I know I will be.

 I KNOW I'm ready and deserving of love in my life, and if hes not the one, I'll find him (or he will find me), and I'll take the lessons of my time with Mike into whatever relationship I'm supposed to be in.

I'm ready for a refocus in January. I'm ready to pull out all the stops in my business life, and ready to get back on the pony with my weight loss and ride that horse all the way home. 

I was thinking earlier as I read last years post, where will I be this time next year when I read this one? I can tell you, even with all the drive and hope I had last year I don't think I  imagined Id be where I am right now. I think I just wanted to get through one day at a time. Not a bad way to do things, and apparently it did work.

 So I'll say this, I don't have a clue where I'll be when I'm reading this post next year, but I have all the hope in the world that I'll be either at or close to my weight loss goal, that my business will have taken off enough to support me in my home, and that I'll be in a happy, loving, healthy relationship.. with Mike.

I'm ready for ya 2013! 

Happy New Year to ME!!

Going down

So. It's been a long while since I've posted anything....again....and the last time I did I was looking back at all those years of starting over and failing again and again.
I did start again in January like I have so many times before. But this time, something is different. I making it happen!
The first big change was that I quit smoking. Just quit and never looked back. I can't even stand to be around cigarettes now. So bizarre!
The next thing was the drinking, which I admittedly was not as successful with. I gave up within a few weeks of starting the dry spell, but evidently it was enough to kick start my working out and eating better, and I started losing some weight.
It's been slower than I would like, but as of right now I'm officially 76 lbs lighter than I was in July of 2010 when I stepped on the scale at Emory Hospital considering bypass surgery.
I look and feel so different it's amazing!
I have even started dating again!
The other thing is I'm still struggling to make my photo business work, but I haven't given up.
My life is so much better than it was last year, and this time I have only myself to thank. My will and drive is all my own and for me and me only.
No other human being is responsible for my success or failures, and that's a great feeling.
I still have a long way to go, but this time I know I'm never giving up. Making the effort to eat better and exercise 5-6 days a week is a permanent change that I whole heatedly embrace.
I think I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, in spite of some of the scarier things I may be facing in the near future.

So that's my update! Lets see where I am in another year!

New year new start..again.

Looking over this blog for the last four years I have the same pattern of trying to start over again and again and never really getting anywhere.

Well, here I am again and I'm trying this time to do something different. I've committed, with my best friend, Andy, to not drink for the next 3 months and get healthy in general.

I have to say, this past week was not as easy as I thought in some ways, and much easier in others, but today is day 7 and I'm OK. I joined the Wellness Center again and have been every day since Friday...so 4 days in a row...wow I just realized that today will not only be my 7th day to be without alcohol...(which by the way is a big deal for me considering that I haven't gone longer than 5 days without it in about 20 years), its also the 5th day in a row of working out, which hasn't happened in years as well. I feel like that thing that clicked in me years ago when I lost weight has clicked again, but this time its just for me, and only me. I've been in therapy since June and today I really had a breakthrough.

This voice I hear in my head...almost like its another person, over the years has cooed me into making it OK to have what I want when I want and usually what I THINK I want is not really what will make me happy, but the voice says it will. So she told me today to stop trying to ignore the voice, rather to go into the voice, and figure out what I really want when its happening, and why its happening. Like, actually TALK to the voice.

Sounds nuts I know, and I feel nuts writing about it, but it sort of makes sense considering how much I talk to myself anyway!

As of today I've lost 8 lbs since the start of this, which for me was Wednesday the 4th. It was going to be the 2nd, but I drank all afternoon and felt like crap...then it was going to be Tuesday but after my therapy session the voice popped in my head and took over, telling me to go home and just have one more day of TV and "fun", and I listened to it..to me. and the minute I did I regretted it. So Wednesday morning I came clean. The house is pretty much free of all booze (there's still some special stuff laying around but nothing I'm tempted to drink) and I totally purged my cabinets and fridge of all the "bad" things.

This is a practice, other than the booze of course, that I used to do regularly and I have to say, when I saw the empty fridge I literally got a sense of clam and relief washing over me. Like a sigh.

The rest of the week and weekend went OK, although the voice did pop up a few times, only for me to shut it down. Then yesterday I really had a weak minute where I wanted to go out because of the BCS Championship game and Alabama was in it ( WE WON!! YAY!!) but typically Id be with my friends drinking for something like that, and I wanted to go. The more I thought about it the worse it got, like I was just obsessed with the idea to the point of crying.

I texted Andy, and told him what I was thinking about doing and he really let me have it, but in a way that made me look at myself. He left it to me to decide, telling me to have fun, so naturally I felt guilty and decided not to go. I worked out instead and felt the tension of the moment go away but still am freaked out by the level of ...well...freak out that I had over it.

I ended up watching it at home with Dave ( who never drinks) and we actually had a great time. I didnt even miss the drinking.

Today in therapy we discussed it and while there's no doubt that I have some level of addiction going on, the voice thing, which I've never really shared with anyone before, was the breakthrough. She told me to be the voice speaking to her as if she were me, and what did I want to tell "me". I didn't know at first then blurted out "I want you to be happy"...like tell you its OK to do this or that because its something you WANT and if you get it it will make you happy"...well maybe not that verbatim, but close enough. But knowing that most if not all the things that the voice over the years has told me to do have been bad things I know that's not the truth. but maybe in some way it is. Like in the morning when I get up and don't want to go to work, and I hit the alarm telling myself, Ill just be late. I hear the voice say...You know your going to call in. And I tell myself, NO I'm not, but then I do.

Or any number of things like that.

We kind of discovered its the child's voice in me that still wants what it wants when it wants it no matter what the consequences are, and also, like a child, doesn't really know what is good for it.

Like with food, especially as a kid dieting all the time. Id have fits of crying over not being able to have certain things until my mom would feel sorry for me and make me something, which would immediately calm me down.

Of course everyone knows about the theory of comfort eating, and I have always thought about that but not to this level. Or maybe I have but just didnt really GET IT.

I think today I GET IT.

So anyway, thats my catch up for now. Im pretty tired today and theres a lot more to go over from the past few months, not the least of which is the fact that I was laid off in August and have remained unemployed all this time.

I guess today Im good and thats what counts. 7 days. Who would think that 7 days would reveal so much about a person. Makes me wonder what I will know about myself at the end of 3 months. Hopefully it will be a good experience. I guess health wise, it cant be bad.

I'm just praying for the strength to get through it day by day.

Disappointment and starting over...again.

Well, I finally had my appointment at Emory yesterday. It was a total disappointment.

First off, the six month diet plan is the general diabetic eating regime which I've been given over and over again in my life. I don't know what I was expecting, but that certainly wasn't it.

We sat through an hour or more of chatter about the papers they gave us that included our new guide to eating.

So yeah, a diet where you measure, and write every little thing down on a chart to give to the nutritionist next month to be judged. Also the time, where your eating it, and the mood your in when doing so.

Its annoying to say the least. Whats more annoying is being talked to like I'm a child not aware of what I'm putting in my mouth.

Look people, I KNOW that eating too much, not watching portions, eating carbs and snacking, fast food, booze...ALL of it are causes of being over weight. I don't need some woman in a moo-moo telling me that.

I guess the assumption, like with all Drs and people that aren't lifers like me, is that you wouldn't be fat if you knew proper nutrition. That just isn't the case. I know what to do, I just choose not to, or don't have the will to say "no" to those things I know I should stay away from.

I don't need another diet, I need a tool to help me FOLLOW the diet. Which brings me to the second disappointment. The VGS that I want for my procedure is definitely not covered under my insurance at my current BMI. I'm off by 1/10 of a point. I gained 15 lbs to make the weight and Im not there. Even if I was, according to the lady I talked to, the insurance companies expect some weight loss over the 6 month period or they wont cover you. Testing your will i suppose. But of course, the smaller I get, the further away from the magic BMI # required to qualify. She said they might change their policies, and are reviewed every 6 months so I suppose there is a slim chance that in January, whn my 6 months are done, they might have lowered it to the standard 40 that all the other procedures are at, but Im not holding my breath.

Yesterday when I left the hospital I just felt like a deflated balloon. Not wanting to face the possibility of having to just diet like always, knowing my weakness, really KNOWING I wont do it. Not that I CANT, that I WONT.

Fortunately I had a therapy appointment yesterday after work. Could not have been better timing. Its only the 5th session but I think we are finally getting down to it. To sum up the session, after discussing my various weekend habits that take away from any chance of weight loss in general, and my real desire to change them, I announced that i was NOT going to drink this weekend at all. Now, this is something I had actually thought about last week, or perhaps even before that, just because I knew this diet thing was approaching and I also knew that drinking was not going to be on the menu.

That being said, I am aware of my weakness, and my failure to be able to go a whole weekend without it since my teen age years...literally. Thats a lot of lost weekends.

So she suggested that instead of looking at it like I'm giving something up, think of something positive to replace that activity with. Because, as she pointed out, I have made drinking and eating on the weekends a literal activity, instead of an accessory to an activity.

She said if I can just do Sunday, that will be an accomplishment, and not to try to go whole hog, or to try, but if I slip not to just go off the deep end.

So in the end I left there feeling much better, and have today made plans to go walking / hiking this Sunday, plus I'm not buying any booze to have in the house, so I think I'll be OK for that day at least.

I really do want to lay off Sundays. It makes Monday such a beast.

Plus finding strength in small places helps after the crushing defeat I felt at the Drs. office.

So that's where I'm at. Disappointed but not out of the game just yet.

One side note...I did let a few people know what had happened, and Elise, my sister, gave me a very annoying response. She jumped right in to how great weight loss surgery would be for me and isint there another procedure I can qualify for. That pissed me off, as if I haven't done any research on the subject and am making an excuse not to have it done. That may not have been what she intended but it certainly felt that way.

I mailed her back and suggested she read the links I provided her a week or so ago explaining the dangers of other procedures vs the VSG.

Maybe Im defensive with her, but I still hear those words ringing in my ears of her responding to me telling her that I knew what it took to lose weight as she tried to tell me what I was doing wrong (because having lost weight herself she was now the expert). I told her she was not the queen of weight loss..and she screamed back "YES I AM! You DON'T know what to do obviously because YOU GAINED IT BACK!!"

Well, yes I did, and I struggle with it every day. But Id never throw her failures in her face like that. Just sayin'.

So now I have to start over. I've gained weight in my care free abandonment stage in the last few months, allowing myself to eat all kinds of crap, and getting down right addicted to sweets again. Ive gone off the deep end and its time to get back in the boat. I have to at least try because I hate being so uncomfortable fat.

Still Waiting

Waiting sucks. I feel like I've been waiting for this Dr. appointment forever now. In reality, it has been almost 3 months, which seriously is ridiculous. I just hope its worth the wait. Speaking of "weight", I've been gaining. I have seriously gone off any kind of restrictions as far as my eating goes.

I had a long weekend at my parents house this past weekend because they were out of town, and I was having a few friends up for dinner and pool time, so I took that opportunity to buy muffins and chips and cookies at the grocery store, none of which were eaten by said guests, so they came home with me. I of course, am eating them. I considered taking them to work to get rid of them, but then thought Id be embarrassed to bring those in half eaten. Another excuse.

The guilt of buying them at the store was horrible, but I did it anyway. I was in line to check out and there was a guy behind me with power-aide by the gallon, and I think some kind of lean cuisines. College student I think, cute, and I noticed him eyeballing the contents of my cart. I know I turned 6 shades of red. I even tried to hide some stuff on the belt then just thought, oh screw it!

In years past that fear of having someone eyeballing my potential purchases kept me away from a lot of really bad things. Lately, since I've decided on this surgical route, and really have to gain weight to qualify, I've gone off the deep end.

The thing is, I feel completely gross. I find myself literally not being able to breathe as well, and I'm tired all the time. I just feel bad, and I know I look it too.

I weigh the most I've weighed in over 15 years, and my body is unhappy about it. Also, I think I'm becoming addicted to sugar.

Its been years since I have kept anything sweet in the house. I mean YEARS! Now I pretty much have something every day that's bad for me. Weather its a bite size candy bar from the bowl at work, or my weekend binge of whatever treat I buy myself at the grocery store, ( sometimes dark chocolate, this past weekend it was muffins and cookies), and I've been very close to going whole hog (pun intended) and buying out a shelf of Little Debbie snacks! (a childhood obsession because we were never allowed to have them)

So I'm looking forward to being given a liquid diet program on the 28th.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to it! I think the simplicity of it will be a good thing. And I am trying to get rid of bad things in the mean time, of course, buying NEW bad things doesn't help that cause. In the end I'm sure I'll end up throwing bags of food away like I used to.

Years ago, when I was still thinner from my maximum weight loss, but starting to gain weight back, I would often go into my fridge, cabinets and freezer and throw away bags full of food. I couldn't even wait to give it away, I had to get rid of it right then, only to go buy more the next week.

I recently skipped a week going to the grocery store and felt really strange. Like something was missing.

I just want this whole process to get rolling. I know I could be dieting already but something in my head is just not on board with it. Its like I feel like I have to wait to go to the Dr, get their program and THEN start. Until that point its like a race to get everything yummy and bad in so I wont miss anything. Last Meal Syndrome.

Crazy.....My VERY unhealthy relationship with food.

The therapist I started seeing I'm still a bit unsure about. I mean I've only seen her 2 times so we have a lot to build on. I guess I feel like I'm at a loss of where to start with her. There are so many things to talk about and I'm just all over the place.

I'll try to focus on one thing this week and see how that goes. Until then...still waiting.

Letting Go

There have been times in my life where I've had to release people from my fold. its never easy and in this case its down right horrible.

Ive been going back and forth with this terrible thing inside me for so long though that I just have to let it go.

Its my sister. Well, one of them anyway. Weve had our fights before but this one Im afraid were just not going to get over.

In the past, its usually my frustration with her for one reason or another that boils over and I announce that "Im Done", which lasts for a while. A few months sometimes, but something usually brings us back together.

This time it involves her boyfriend. Someone she is so crazy about that unless they were to be apart, we will never be able to resolve things.

Its a long story, but to sum it up, he and I don't get along. To the point of screaming arguments, and I just cant take that kind of negative energy.

The funny part about it that he brow beats me about being negative. I think hes confusing negativity with living in reality. The negativity I think that's felt is perhaps my general dislike of him, and his of me.

In any case, after much heartbreaking inner struggle, I've decided to let them both go.

She sent me one email after our last blow out saying there must be a way to get past this, and I sent her one back (copying him as well) explaining the circumstances of my decision. I've had no response from her, and she is generally acting like nothing is wrong.

Unfortunately during all this my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which is a wonderful thing, but we are throwing them a surprise party so we HAVE to communicate.

Its been rough. I have bitter resentment built up inside me. I feel it every time a read an email or think of them. I hate that feeling. I want so badly to be free of it, and Im working toward that goal.

Its a personal thing. I doubt she is suffering the way I am, only because Beth has the ability to dismiss things in a way that I cant.

So my goal is to branch out and start spending time with my other friends. The ones that have been neglected these past years due to my closeness with her. It was so easy with her you see. We are a lot alike, but not really in healthy ways.

Timing wise, since my goals these days are leaning more toward trying to achieve some sense of health, this is probably they best thing in the end.

It would be easier if I could assure myself of never, or at least rarely, having to deal with her again, but since shes family, AND since I've integrated her into my friend group over the years, (which now I totally regret), I will have to deal with her, AND get over my bitterness as well. No one wants to hear it.

Which brings me to another point of this story. I'm also annoyed that I feel little support from the few friends that I have told whats going on, and I'm hurt and pissed about it. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I can be annoying too, but in this case I feel so strongly that I'm right, and I'm the one that's owed an apology, that I just cant believe they don't have my back.

Also, sometimes (despite the fact that I've been in this same situation between 2 people that don't talk anymore), I resent them still being her friend. I cant help it.

BUT, because this very scenario has happened to a past friend of mine, one that couldn't let go of the fact that his ex-boyfriend was still close to most if not all of his old friends, AND that some of them actually preferred the ex's company to his, I can NOT, and WILL NOT, behave like he did.

Drunken fights and lectures to friends about how much I resent their keeping contact with Beth and John will not help my cause.

Its been very hard, but I haven't mentioned it to people much, and really only to those closest to me. Reactions have been a bit of shock over the details of the actual fight, and that's about it.

Maybe its partly because I really have announced my separation with her over and over throughout the years. Maybe its because I didn't get along with her Ex either, Robert, and for a long time my family at least kept thinking it was all me.

I feel like they probably think that this time too, even though I remind them that everything I had said about the ex Beth herself admitted to after they divorced.

Another thing that makes my blood boil I guess.

Thats part of all this too. Im TIRED of having my blood boil!! I want to live at peace and be happy. Some of it comes from within I know. My inability to let things go. But it had to start from someplace, and they are the source.

Im not saying they are horrible people. Quite the opposite. They, with each other, and freinds alike are fun and wonderful. Well, until John starts drinking that is...

In any case, I feel a little abandoned and it sucks.

God I wish I could just move away and start over!

Im so tired of going through this crap with people. I feel so trapped and have for so long.

I am trying to work on myself whether people realize it or not. Each time a cranky thought starts to bloom in my head about them I say, outloud to myself, STOP!!! I dont even want to think bad thoughts about them, I just want to LET IT GO!!!

Also, I took my first steps to mental wellness this week in a big way. I FINALLY found a therapist. I dont know how shes going to work out after only one session, but I tell you, I spilled a ton of stuff out in that fifty minutes, and walked away feeling better, so hopefully this will be exactly what I need to get my head on straight.

Actually I think Ive needed this for YEARS, and regret not trying to go sooner.

Well, no time like the present, right?

Anyway, Im trying to let go.