I had a long weekend at my parents house this past weekend because they were out of town, and I was having a few friends up for dinner and pool time, so I took that opportunity to buy muffins and chips and cookies at the grocery store, none of which were eaten by said guests, so they came home with me. I of course, am eating them. I considered taking them to work to get rid of them, but then thought Id be embarrassed to bring those in half eaten. Another excuse.
The guilt of buying them at the store was horrible, but I did it anyway. I was in line to check out and there was a guy behind me with power-aide by the gallon, and I think some kind of lean cuisines. College student I think, cute, and I noticed him eyeballing the contents of my cart. I know I turned 6 shades of red. I even tried to hide some stuff on the belt then just thought, oh screw it!
In years past that fear of having someone eyeballing my potential purchases kept me away from a lot of really bad things. Lately, since I've decided on this surgical route, and really have to gain weight to qualify, I've gone off the deep end.
The thing is, I feel completely gross. I find myself literally not being able to breathe as well, and I'm tired all the time. I just feel bad, and I know I look it too.
I weigh the most I've weighed in over 15 years, and my body is unhappy about it. Also, I think I'm becoming addicted to sugar.
Its been years since I have kept anything sweet in the house. I mean YEARS! Now I pretty much have something every day that's bad for me. Weather its a bite size candy bar from the bowl at work, or my weekend binge of whatever treat I buy myself at the grocery store, ( sometimes dark chocolate, this past weekend it was muffins and cookies), and I've been very close to going whole hog (pun intended) and buying out a shelf of Little Debbie snacks! (a childhood obsession because we were never allowed to have them)
So I'm looking forward to being given a liquid diet program on the 28th.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to it! I think the simplicity of it will be a good thing. And I am trying to get rid of bad things in the mean time, of course, buying NEW bad things doesn't help that cause. In the end I'm sure I'll end up throwing bags of food away like I used to.
Years ago, when I was still thinner from my maximum weight loss, but starting to gain weight back, I would often go into my fridge, cabinets and freezer and throw away bags full of food. I couldn't even wait to give it away, I had to get rid of it right then, only to go buy more the next week.
I recently skipped a week going to the grocery store and felt really strange. Like something was missing.
I just want this whole process to get rolling. I know I could be dieting already but something in my head is just not on board with it. Its like I feel like I have to wait to go to the Dr, get their program and THEN start. Until that point its like a race to get everything yummy and bad in so I wont miss anything. Last Meal Syndrome.
Crazy.....My VERY unhealthy relationship with food.
The therapist I started seeing I'm still a bit unsure about. I mean I've only seen her 2 times so we have a lot to build on. I guess I feel like I'm at a loss of where to start with her. There are so many things to talk about and I'm just all over the place.
I'll try to focus on one thing this week and see how that goes. Until then...still waiting.
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