Disappointment and starting over...again.

Well, I finally had my appointment at Emory yesterday. It was a total disappointment.

First off, the six month diet plan is the general diabetic eating regime which I've been given over and over again in my life. I don't know what I was expecting, but that certainly wasn't it.

We sat through an hour or more of chatter about the papers they gave us that included our new guide to eating.

So yeah, a diet where you measure, and write every little thing down on a chart to give to the nutritionist next month to be judged. Also the time, where your eating it, and the mood your in when doing so.

Its annoying to say the least. Whats more annoying is being talked to like I'm a child not aware of what I'm putting in my mouth.

Look people, I KNOW that eating too much, not watching portions, eating carbs and snacking, fast food, booze...ALL of it are causes of being over weight. I don't need some woman in a moo-moo telling me that.

I guess the assumption, like with all Drs and people that aren't lifers like me, is that you wouldn't be fat if you knew proper nutrition. That just isn't the case. I know what to do, I just choose not to, or don't have the will to say "no" to those things I know I should stay away from.

I don't need another diet, I need a tool to help me FOLLOW the diet. Which brings me to the second disappointment. The VGS that I want for my procedure is definitely not covered under my insurance at my current BMI. I'm off by 1/10 of a point. I gained 15 lbs to make the weight and Im not there. Even if I was, according to the lady I talked to, the insurance companies expect some weight loss over the 6 month period or they wont cover you. Testing your will i suppose. But of course, the smaller I get, the further away from the magic BMI # required to qualify. She said they might change their policies, and are reviewed every 6 months so I suppose there is a slim chance that in January, whn my 6 months are done, they might have lowered it to the standard 40 that all the other procedures are at, but Im not holding my breath.

Yesterday when I left the hospital I just felt like a deflated balloon. Not wanting to face the possibility of having to just diet like always, knowing my weakness, really KNOWING I wont do it. Not that I CANT, that I WONT.

Fortunately I had a therapy appointment yesterday after work. Could not have been better timing. Its only the 5th session but I think we are finally getting down to it. To sum up the session, after discussing my various weekend habits that take away from any chance of weight loss in general, and my real desire to change them, I announced that i was NOT going to drink this weekend at all. Now, this is something I had actually thought about last week, or perhaps even before that, just because I knew this diet thing was approaching and I also knew that drinking was not going to be on the menu.

That being said, I am aware of my weakness, and my failure to be able to go a whole weekend without it since my teen age years...literally. Thats a lot of lost weekends.

So she suggested that instead of looking at it like I'm giving something up, think of something positive to replace that activity with. Because, as she pointed out, I have made drinking and eating on the weekends a literal activity, instead of an accessory to an activity.

She said if I can just do Sunday, that will be an accomplishment, and not to try to go whole hog, or to try, but if I slip not to just go off the deep end.

So in the end I left there feeling much better, and have today made plans to go walking / hiking this Sunday, plus I'm not buying any booze to have in the house, so I think I'll be OK for that day at least.

I really do want to lay off Sundays. It makes Monday such a beast.

Plus finding strength in small places helps after the crushing defeat I felt at the Drs. office.

So that's where I'm at. Disappointed but not out of the game just yet.

One side note...I did let a few people know what had happened, and Elise, my sister, gave me a very annoying response. She jumped right in to how great weight loss surgery would be for me and isint there another procedure I can qualify for. That pissed me off, as if I haven't done any research on the subject and am making an excuse not to have it done. That may not have been what she intended but it certainly felt that way.

I mailed her back and suggested she read the links I provided her a week or so ago explaining the dangers of other procedures vs the VSG.

Maybe Im defensive with her, but I still hear those words ringing in my ears of her responding to me telling her that I knew what it took to lose weight as she tried to tell me what I was doing wrong (because having lost weight herself she was now the expert). I told her she was not the queen of weight loss..and she screamed back "YES I AM! You DON'T know what to do obviously because YOU GAINED IT BACK!!"

Well, yes I did, and I struggle with it every day. But Id never throw her failures in her face like that. Just sayin'.

So now I have to start over. I've gained weight in my care free abandonment stage in the last few months, allowing myself to eat all kinds of crap, and getting down right addicted to sweets again. Ive gone off the deep end and its time to get back in the boat. I have to at least try because I hate being so uncomfortable fat.