If it seems too good to be true .....

So the Cowboy....yeah...well...too good to be true, so it was a lie.
Internet dating can be risky I know.
I have to say though, my disappointment over this is more than I thought it would be.

Every time I'm away from men in general for a while I develop this thick skin...( yes...over the blubber..) and tell myself I'm happy and fine alone.

Then I meet someone, and all that goes down the drain.
I remember how good it feels to have that attention from a man. How it makes you feel pretty, feminine, special.

You start to think of all kinds of possibilities. A future with another human being. A "real" life...as if a life alone is somehow an unfulfilled existence.

Then, of course, he turns into an idiot, or you find out hes a big fat liar and it all falls apart....AGAIN.
Then the much too familiar feeling..... how it feels to get fucked over. Then I get mad at myself for ever allowing anyone to get back in there.

I wish I knew why I even had the need for male companionship. I honestly wish it would just go away.
I want to feel better about myself despite the fact that I'm with someone instead of because of it.

All part of the re programing I'm doing. I was upset yesterday, and although I'm still disappointed today, I'm OK, and I am going to BREATHE IT IN...AND LET IT GO!!

Refocus on my goal of self brain-washing into a different person. A better, more confident person.
Its funny, honestly most of the time I am a very happy person. It seems like the only times I ever really get depressed is when I get into a situation with a guy.
Sure i miss the human contact...that's what usually gets me in trouble....
So..how to deal with the physical need to be with another person. That's a tough one.
My friends..all of them...are involved with someone in some way so there are no other singles out there for me to hang out with.
This also makes it hard for any of them to really understand where I'm coming from most of the time.
Throw in the Fat Card and its even worse.
I guess I don't need anyone to understand as long as I do.
I just feel very alone today, and while that's pretty much the way i am all the time, really FEELING it is a strange and, well, lonely feeling.
I do love my life though and I appreciate so many things about it.

Oh...The Alli came last night. I took one pill and ate dinner...pizza...not the best choice to start off with as I found out at about 2:30 AM when I was ill for about an hour.
Maybe it will work. maybe it will force me to make the changes necessary for a healthier lifestyle.
then maybe I'll meet the one...( yeah I guess I still want that after all)