39 and Counting

So I'm here. My last year in my 30s. Actually Ive been here for 5 days now so officially I have 300 days left in my 30s.
This is not an easy one for me for some reason. The actual birthday weekend was good though. Crazy, but good.
Sometimes the unexpected surprise in life can turn your head in a direction that you weren't expecting.
This happened to be the case with me on Friday night, my actual birthday night, when out celebrating I came upon a situation that I was certainly NOT expecting.
I will call him D, and I'm pretty sure Ive mentioned him before in this series of tales, but if not, quick background.
Known him for I think going on 10 years now, but not very well until the last few years, and still not as well as his "real" friends know him.
Works in the city as a bartender and is one of the nicest people Ive ever met.
Had a serious crush on him for about 3 years now.
So after a lovely dinner with a great group of friends, I decided to go out for a night cap and ran into D.
Details aside, it ended up being an experience I thought Id never have, and now that Ive had it, I'm left with mixed feelings.
I think my problem is I let myself believe that because this one was soo different, ( nice, sweet, loving) that what was happening was coming from him really liking me. Not from the usual place of hey, were drunk and here, lets go at it.
I was of course, wrong.
SO I spend the remainder of my wild weekend pondering what it is that makes me so unlikeable, beyond the fat.
Maybe it is just the fat, and maybe not.
In any case, Ive upped my exercise and I'm going to work on the food next.
Baby steps for me please, but not so small that I'm still in this position next year when the big 40 is upon me.
I need change.
Its happened a good deal already just from having the new job. Also, I'm going on 3 solid months of consistent exercise in the morning before work.
Last Friday I decided to add 30 minutes of weights to my routine, and today I got up and did it and felt great about it.

Is it like before? The drive I had years ago that pushed me into not eating and working out like a maniac?
No. But its something. Its more than Ive done for myself I years and I'm proud of it.

Is this change because of D?
No. I had this going before the birthday incident, and will not let what he does or thinks about me effect it either way.

Will I be able to keep this up and really make a change?
Yes. I really think I will. Its starting to feel like a normal thing to get up at 4:00 in the morning and work out.

So whats left?
Right now 2 big things are in my way of making any progress. The food I'm eating and the booze I'm drinking.
During the week I'm pretty good with the food part and no booze at all. On the weekends however, its a whole different ball game.

Baby steps. Get the exercise down then chip away at the diet.
This is for life after all, but the thing is while I'm happy with my personal progress its not showing on my body and I feel like I'm losing out again.
Like what if in the last 3 months Id been working on the food too and lost 20 lbs. What would D have done then?
Would that change anything anyway?
One thing I'm sure I wont know. Not from him anyway.

I don't regret what happened, and I'm glad I can feel OK with him and he with me, but the emptiness that I felt had filled up for those moments is empty yet again, and no amount of food will fill that one up.

Happy Birthday to me.