FRUSTRATED!

Frustration is setting in.

I come to work every day hoping that its going to be better. Some days it is and some days its like this. I’m sitting here doing nothing. Just like yesterday and the day before.
Already having asked the only person here that I can actually GET work from and being told nope, nothing for you, I’m SOL.

Not the case for Ms. J. She will be arriving in about 45 minutes, and will be busy from the minute she gets here until she leaves, and will likely leave work to be done for the next day.
I’m going to lose this job. I can just feel it heading my way. I’m terrified of being out there aging, in this economy it’s going to be hell.

It took me 3 years of sending out resumes to even get this one, and that was only because my sister knew one of the boss guys who works here.

Why did they even hire someone when clearly I’m not needed? I know why. Despite her claims that she “fought” to have me hired (or anyone) because she was SOOO busy, I think Ms. J is a put on. I think she works on things and does it slowly so she appears to be really busy all the time. Or at least it seems that way, so they thought she might need help. She says it was her idea. That she was the one who asked to hire another person. I wonder. I really do.
Was she not getting her work done? Is that why I’m here? Because for the life of me I just don’t get it.

Id say easily out of the 40 hours a week I’m here, 20 of those are spent milling about making up things to do for myself. 10 hours playing at the computer (like now) and 10 doing actual work.
At my old company when there was nothing to do at least I was alone and not being watched like a hawk by everyone in sight. Here I’m on display. If I’m idle it’s pretty much common knowledge.

I’ve been in fear of them figuring out that I’m really an unnecessary expense since about my second month here, but now I have a real reason. Last week Ms J told me to be careful not to let the big boss man, Mike, know that I wasn’t busy all the time. She said if he found that out he’d think I was not needed and Id likely lose my job.

My first thought. I KNEW IT!!! Everyone kept telling me I was being paranoid, but I don’t think so. Either Ms. J has changed her mind and doesn’t really like me enough to want to keep me here, or she’s figured out that I’m way more efficient than she counted on and really doesn’t need me after all.

Whatever the case, I’m really on edge.

Not only is it just annoying as hell to be bored all day in this place, but to watch her be busy, PILES of work on her desk, and not be given any of it even after asking over and over.….I just don’t know what to do. I mean I’m really trying to be a part of the team here. I want people to come to me with work because they know I can do it. Not wait until J shows up and then have her delegate it out like its some prized gift!

As you can tell, the woman gets on my nerves. For someone who is so sweet to your face I get the feeling she’s as manipulative as they come.

Then again maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not being a team player and my shyness is getting in the way of people getting to know me, thus they don’t feel like I want to be part of the team.

*sigh*

I just wish I could have my old job back but with the benefits, and the work, needed to keep me there. I could have been happy there forever.

I told Sammie this morning in email that if I lose my job I’m just going to go into foreclosure on my house, file for bankruptcy and move to the Caymans’ with him. He can be my sugar daddy!!
I know much of the world is facing grim financial times right now, and I’m VERY thankful that I have this job even if I’m not really happy in it. I don’t want to lose it. I just wish I was able to be a real part of things instead of such an outsider. I’m afraid I’m never going to fit in here and it seems that’s a requirement to stay.