Every year about this time I tend to go back and look over my calendar and see what my body has been up to in the past year. Meaning have I lost or gained weight. I keep a dry erase calendar in my work out room where I record the daily activities and weight. On the side of it I have marked the start weight and end weight of each month throughout the year, and have kept the month of July up for the past 3 years. You know, just to see what I was doing in years past. What’s frustrating is that from what it looks like, even though I’ve only recently, (as in for 4 months now,) been really consistent and great about my work outs. Including the weight lifting and all that for just the past month now. So it seems that despite that fact I’ve stayed right where I am for at least 3 years.
I lose and gain the same 6 to 8 lbs a week. Losing it by Friday, gaining it back on Monday and gone again by the following Friday. I end up at my magic number about once every couple of weeks or within one lb of it. But I cat break through it.
Strangely I think my eating habits as of late have been worse that ever and I’ve gotten into some old habits that I had long ago dismissed. Like bread. I’ve always loved me some bread, but for years I never kept it in the house, only buying it for special occasions like a dinner party or something. Or even buying a loaf of low fat wheat and it would sit in my fridge untouched for a month or more, until I finally used it up on a random toast morning or something like that.
Lately, however, I seem to be overflowing with it. I took a good survey of my fridge yesterday and discovered not only am I laden with hot dog buns and the like, but I also have had a fresh loaf of sandwich bread in my fridge now pretty much every few weeks. Eating cheese toast or peanut butter toast has become a regular habit.
Also, chocolate.
I used to be a huge sweets fan as a kid. Breaking that habit as I got older and quitting the sugar bug altogether with my one time remarkable weight loss.
I didn’t really pick it up again until recently, and it all started with a chocolate bar I bought that was on sale.
Well, OK, maybe before that I was eating sorbet…chocolate sorbet. Fat free but full of sugar. Also, when Id go to my parents house Id always forage through the pantry for random cookies or chocolate. My dad has the sweet tooth of a 5 year old so there is always something around.
But the candy bar. I haven’t bought a candy bar in YEARS. I mean so far back I cant even remember. Yes, I’ve had candy bars here and there, but I used to get a friend or my sister Beth to buy them for me because I was too embarrassed. That is until about a month ago. I was in Kroger and having a craving. I passed the candy isle as I always do, but this time I stopped. I had to get some gum, and it just so happened that right next to the sugar free gum section was a display of fine chocolates that were on a close out sale. 70% coco, which is a lower calories dark chocolate, and one with cacao bits in it. I bought one.
I put it in my freezer and forgot about it for a week. That is until the weekend when I was buzzed and foraging for sorbet and came across it. I had one piece. An ounce, and it was marvelous!!
I thought, well, its better chocolate than a Hershey bar by far, and its lower in fat, and if I just have one ounce that’s not too bad as a treat now and then.
So the next week I went back to Kroger for my normal weeks groceries, and again while passing the candy isle I spied the same bar on close out sale. I thought, wow, well, these are a great deal and if I’m going to eat chocolate now and then id better get them before they are gone. So I did. I bought 5 bars.
It didn’t feel like I was buying candy though. More like I was buying baking chocolate. 70% coco ya know.
I didn’t gorge on them, but my once in a while treat was becoming an every day treat. The end of my meal at night during the week had a dessert now, and that had not been a habit of mine for many many years.
One ounce, sometimes 2. Calories about 200, and fat I think 8 grams. But add that up and that’s an extra 1400 calories a week. Sometimes more on a weekend when I was feeling frisky.
When those ran out I decided to give myself a real crazy treat. Somores. I haven’t had a Somore in years and thought, oh just this weekend after grilling out.
SO I got the marshmallows, the graham crackers, then Hershey bars. I think it was a Wednesday. When I got through with dinner that night I wanted one right then, so I had 4.
They were sickly sweet and familiar tasting, but really the sweetness was way too much. I ate them anyway and continued to have them every night until my package of graham crackers were gone.
I decided after that not to do that again, and to go back to the dark, less sugary chocolate.
Last week when I went shopping again the dark delicious fancy chocolate that Id been buying was finally sold out. I considered not getting anything, but decided on a different brand and got 2 bars.
Had a piece on Friday night. Eh, its OK. Not the same as the other though.
Also this weekend was spend having high fat foods loaded with carbs and calories. Hot dogs on white bread with chili and cheese Eaten at 3 AM and again Sunday afternoon.
I got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since Saturday. How can I gain 9 lbs in 2 days? Wait, really ONE day.
So I have to stop. I’m destroying everything I do week by week in a matter of 48 hours of overeating and choosing the wrong foods.
I do want to be healthy. I’m sick of myself the way I am , and I know I am going to have to give up things that I enjoy. There’s just no way around it.
I’ve never been a person that can have a little of anything.
For me, one piece of pizza is opened the door to eat crap again.
That’s what happened to me years ago. I had cut out all the bad cap, and when I finally started allowing myself to eat those things “here and there”, my once in a while became every weekend.
Self control. I have very little of that it seems. I’m just tired of being the fat girl in the room. I mean the REALLY fat girl. I don’t think I care anymore if I’m overweight, I just cant be this heavy anymore.
For years I’ve struggled with making myself exercise regularly again, and I really feel like I finally have that back again for good, so its time to tackle the other thing. Food.
I told myself when I started exercising 4 months ago that Id give myself a month and then start slowly chipping away the bad food habits. Instead of that it seems to have gotten worse.
Yep. Its time to jump in with both feet. I’m going to be miserable for a while I know. I just hope I can make myself do it.
We’ll see.
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