Where did it all go wrong?

 I cant believe its already November, and I'm just now writing again. 

I've go so much to say, I hardly know where to start. 

I'll start with some good news first. My dear friend Anne has moved back to Atlanta! She and her dad made the trek from NYC via Ryder truck this week and I will see her tomorrow for the first time since Christmas of 2019! I'm so happy she's back, and the timing could not be better. My life is basically a mess.

I just finished reading my post from January. Such hope. Well nothing has happened the way I was HOPING it would.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. Might as well. Its all noteworthy in the build up to what is now rounding out a pretty messed up year. 

I don't recall if I even made it through that week trying so hard to get back into exercise and stay on a sober path, but I can say 90% of this year has been heavy drinking and very little exercise. I've gained weight, and even though I did finally find a trainer up here a couple of months ago it hasn't seemed to help at all, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

January was a crazy month. I was moving stuff and I put my house on the market I think on January 14th. It sold in 2 weeks and I was moving out on January 28th, with the man who is now the new owner on my heels that same day to have it inspected. Turned out there was a lot wrong with it, and I really thought I was going to get screwed on the price because of that, but the guy was really nice, and really wanted the house so he didn't ask for all of it to be fixed and I ended up getting probably 20K more for it than I expected. He also was SUPER sweet to me in general, knowing that I was going to miss the place, and told me "It will always be your house, and please come see it anytime." I haven't, and I don't intend to. That part of my life is over and in spite of the hard times I've been having I don't want to go back and see it. I think it would be too upsetting. 

The move: It was a rough day, made rougher by R showing up late the night before, and begrudgingly helping me pack the last of my things. I was, and am, grateful he was there and after a while he did actually help. I did find out later that he had considered not coming at all, and I was a little shocked by that at the time. I'm not now. 

It was a very long day. When the movers showed up it seemed like it took forever to get my house loaded up. A couple of times I went out to the back yard and watched, teary eyed as my life of 17 plus years was being carried out the door. I took a few videos' and I'm glad. I miss my little house and want to remember it the way it was. 

Unloading seemed to take less time but it was still a solid 8 hour day of just the movers, then it was another few just to get settled enough to go to bed. Exhausted and heart sick, the next few weeks were a series of shuffling thigs around to make them fit, and trying to find a routine in my new living situation, which was made all the more difficult by my dear mom, who on the second weekend of me being here, fell and broke her foot. 

Normally I wouldn't have been mad at her for this accident, but it was her own fault, and it fucked up the next 4 months of both of our lives. It was Valentines weekend, which is also R and my anniversary. In my usual style, Id made a fabulous dinner, and I was trying extra hard to make it a great night. R and I NEEDED a great night badly. He had even talked about going to get Mexican and playing pinball...not the anniversary I had imagined but a nice gesture since it would have been sentimental given the place we would have gone, but I didn't really take it well, and so I made the dinner that he ate but never really appreciates, cleaned up, and mom got stinking drunk. 

I should not neglect to mention that I was already struggling to have a good night before any of this happened. R and I were just not getting along. We'd also gone to Home Depot and bought a bunch of smart light switches, and in the middle of the store he mentioned that he could either go get my anniversary gift or install these switches - I said " if you are planning something for us then PLEASE go do that! I don't want you working on our anniversary!" I was suddenly excited that he was finally making an effort! Later we ended up at Lidel, the local discount mart, where he had me pick out my own discount flowers. That was his big surprise. Meanwhile I laid out $75 for an extravagant meal that I had to cook and clean up afterwards by myself. 

Right after dinner mom broke a glass, then got up and was being just pissy. R went downstairs to The Dungeon (our little den - hide out in the house) and I made down her bed thinking to myself that she'd probably fall if she tried to do it herself. Well evidently I put the stupid pillows in the wrong spot for her liking, so when she attempted to move them, somehow she got her feet twisted under her and fell. I happened to be in her bathroom, heard the thud, and came out to find her on the floor. Still giving me attitude and bitching about the pillows, she got up with my help, and I checked her out to make sure she was ok. She said she was fine and at the time nothing I could see looked like it was broken. I got her (still being pissy) to the den, sat her down and put on a movie telling her Id come back to check on her shortly. She dismissed me and I went downstairs.  

About 30 minutes later I checked on her, and her attitude had taken a 180 degree turn. She said her foot hurt, and when I looked at it, it was already black and blue and swollen. I knew it was injured and hoped it wasn't broken but something told me that it was. I got her into the bedroom and told her she needed to lay down so I could ice it. 

Meanwhile I tell R what's happening, and that I feel like I need to take her to the Dr. and he dismisses it, saying its probably fine. It was also getting close to 12:30 AM at this point and I was beyond irritated with both of them, so I went to bed telling them both that wed be getting up early in the morning and going straight to the Doc-in-the-box down the street. The next morning sure enough she could barley walk on it so Rs' prediction that it would be fine was dead wrong. I left with her and yup it was broken. 3 small bones and the guy at that place thought it needed surgery right away if it was going to heal right. 

When we left I expected R to be gone when we got home, but instead, he installed the switches while we were gone. I think he felt guilty for being such a jerk the night before, but it was an unexpected, welcomed surprise, and one that he would eventually throw right back in my face like he does with EVERYTHING that he does for me. Mind you, these "things" are few and far between, but of course always helpful, even if it seems like I have to ask him to do those things most times instead of him just doing it. 

Long story short for the next 4 months mom could not drive so she was basically house bound, and needed my constant help. My attempt to get into some kind of healthy routine was replaced by anguish, frustration, and sometimes just anger. I missed my house, and my old life. I missed being able to get out of the house and go to MPB. I missed my gym that I had JUST started to get back into the year before when the stupid pandemic started.  I missed my work that had just disappeared. Most of all I missed the person R was supposed to be. The one that had tried so hard to get me back in September of 2019. That was who I thought I was going to be with. 

If it sounds like I'm being petty maybe I am. I just feel underappreciated and right now, while writing this, I haven't talked to him in a week so I'm also upset. Ill try to make this as fair as I can. I've been trying to be fair with him for so long it seems. Even through great distraction and influence from other people. Well, "person".

Up until March of this year Id been talking off and on with a guy from my past who it would turn out was trying to get me to break up with R so he could go out with me. This guy was a friend, or so I thought, and I really was having problems with R, so it was good to have a sympathetic ear. I will fully admit that I seriously considered giving this person a chance. I even broke up with R for a minute and a half in March, but immediately regretted it and went groveling back to him. I feel like I've been being punished ever since. 

To be fair, I had broken up with him probably 3 times or at least had heated conversations that made me want to in 2020, the last time of which was in November shortly after this guy popped back into my life. I really meant it that time and I should have stuck to it I guess, but so much was happening. The move, my work drying up, mom...I just NEEDED him. I love R, I really do, and I wish with everything in me that we could work out or issues. That has never changed. I'm just getting to the point now where I am no longer sure if that's possible.

At any rate, the rest of the year to date has had its ups and downs. A LOT of downs for me. My work has been slower than ever. I am not helping that out by not really doing anything about it, but...and this really is not an excuse...im BUSY every day here. Mom is a handful. Even after she was able to drive again being here is constant 'do this do that'. 

My birthday was good and bad. Gwenn was here and that was GREAT! But R and I got into a fight the night before on the phone over something he tried to give me for my birthday ( it was a subscription to some self investment stock thing that I wanted no part of), so that sucked. I still think he thinks that I am an ungrateful person for not accepting it. 

I was  (am) going through this adjustment phase and I felt like I deserved some time to just BE. I did try to work as much as possible but I also took a lot of time for myself. The pool was open early this year due to good weather and me living here, so I spent every moment I could outside. Every weekend, and some week days too. I had weird feelings of guilt doing this. Like mom or Elise might be thinking that I was just mooching off mom and not even trying to work. I guess I could have tried harder to get new clients. I also could have tried harder to get the video thing going. That still has never happened. I'm pretty sure that is one of the main reasons my work dried up. 

I can say I have been struggling with motivation in every area of my life. I'm heavier than I have been since probably fall of 2013. Food up here is a real problem. Bread...butter...snacks...sweets. Its all here all the time. Exercise has been sporadic at best. I will do OK for a week then get derailed the next. I still have yet to have a whole moth of "green" on my white board in the gym where I mark the days in green marker when I work out. Also, I've been drinking pretty much every day. Realistically I think I have only had maybe 2 or 3 days in total this entire year where I haven't had at least one drink. Most days its been more like 6 or more. 

Basically for the better part of this year and a lot of last year as well I have been going through deep depression. I'm struggling to get free of it now. One thing, and it is a small silly thing at that, has helped. I started a pinball club up here like we used to have in Decatur. We have been meeting once a week for about 6 weeks now and its the highlight of my week. Its not even in a bar, although we do bring drinks. Unlike when I was doing this in Decatur though, here I typically have 2 or 3 drinks in the 3 hours were there, which has also helped my game, and I'm finding that I don't need it to have fun playing, which is actually a relief. I've had times recently where I've thought my drinking is so far out of control that I might really be in trouble. Yet I've still never quit. *sigh*

I'm sure there are more details from the past months that I can fill in. Some good, some bad. All to do with R. Starting around the end of May, I decided to make every effort I could to be by his side, support him, and build him up in any way I could. He was starting a new job and I knew the transition was not going to be easy, but not really knowing what it was he was doing, I did the best I could.

Our routine is what it always has been. He shows up on Friday afternoon, and leaves Sunday mid-morning. There have been a few deviations to this. Some weekends he had things to do on Friday so he would come Saturday and stay until Monday mid morning. Once or twice he's come on a week day, but only when I asked him to help me with something. That's what happened a week ago Wednesday which was the last time I saw him. Up until then, in spite of a couple of chunks of time where we went almost a month without seeing each other due to him having a meltdown about cars. A situation created by him and he knew it so felt stupid and I guess his GAD kicked in. I had as much sympathy as I could about it but went about my life and tried to fill those empty weekends with other people at the pool and such. Again, he threw that back at me because one of those weekends I wanted a girls only time, and since I rarely see him during the week, means another 2 weeks without him. 

After that chunk of time though, I made a conscience decision to do everything I could to be super supportive, and not complain about ANYTHING.  Roll with it as it were. Things actually seemed really good there for a while too, as long as I kept my feelings a bay, we were fine. 

I guess I did that as long as I could, and even as this last event started, it didn't feel like it was going to become what it has. 

For all these months like usual, he mentions his family and things that they are doing. I am always curious, but also had stopped asking about them because to me, they are still strangers and since that is likely to never change, I don't want to care about them. 

Impossible...right? Yeah it totally is for me anyway. One of the things R said he would do when he was trying to get me back in 2019 was to introduce me to his kids. All adults now, and pandemic aside are living their lives and perfectly capable of meeting us at a restaurant to have dinner if asked. 

Wednesday night - we'd had a good night, a REALLY good night, and Id hoped he would just stay on through the weekend. One of the recent topics of conversation was the fact that if he intended to move in within a year or so we needed to start making an effort to spend real time together, not just 2 days a week. Different issue altogether, but anyway, we were in bed, and I started to talk to him about meeting his kids. It wasn't meant to be a conversation that went south. I guess I wanted him to know...or remind him... that it hurts me to hear about them, and see pictures of them, and still not know them. 

He didn't react well. The conversation turned from simple to complicated, involving how he acts with other people, and my worry about him meeting new people never knowing if he will react in a way that will offend people...another topic that's been beat to death I guess, but yet still very relevant. 

He said hurtful things about not caring about my family or friends. Not caring about anyone but me and his friend Lu. I guess he thinks that should be enough, and maybe it would be if other things in our life were different. 

I look at other peoples relationships and think - "I want that", and I'm so far from that with R its scary. Those other things are the fact that he doesn't build me up. Doesn't support me, or want to plan our future. He doesn't ever compliment me even though he KNOWS I would appreciate that. I've mentioned that to him dozens of times, even telling him that if he DOESNT think I'm pretty or that I look nice of course don't say I do, so since he NEVR EVER does, I guess he doesn't think I am. 

He once told me that he thought it was sad that I needed that kind of reinforcement. Sad...I guess his idea of a compliment is sending me a text saying "good morning beautiful", which he used to do occasionally a long time ago. Yes that's very sweet, but I need it in person. In the moment. Too much? I guess so for him. I am constantly telling him how cute he is, and sexy. He always brushes it off, but I still do it. I do it because its true, and also because I feel like everyone wants and needs that from their partner. 

The other major thing that I have actually never talked to him about, only because I cant figure out how to approach it without REALLY hurting his feelings, is that we have a very non-plus sex life. I mean hes got the equipment, and at times has been in the ballpark, but never seems to be able to hit that home run for me. What I need from him goes beyond the act of sex though. I need intimacy. I need passion. 

I've tried guiding him to kiss better, or just at all. I love kissing and sometimes if I don't go in for a kiss we will literally go all day without it. I've gone so far as to ask him to do other things to only to be ignored, which makes me self conscience. The biggest thing though, and I don't know if this is because he was with someone for so long that he didn't love, but he just becomes robotic about it. I'm trying to get him to kiss my neck and he's twisting my boobs like a radio dial. So zero passion. zero intimacy.

So after we woke up Thursday and he left mad at me, I had had it. I thought about all these things that I just mentioned, and more, and have been doing little else for a whole week without word from him. Oh we did talk Thursday night. Fought. Not talked. He accused me of being mean to him and told me he never did that to me. He's wrong of course, which I told him, reiterating the fact that the family and friends thing hurts me constantly. Not important to him, but important to me. He told me everything is about me and what I want. I told him no, its actually about him. His time line, how he wants things to progress. I may be voicing that I want it to be different but since its not happening that way how could it possibly be about ME? 

Nothing was accomplished and the phone went dead in the middle of a sentence, so I though he'd hung up on me. Furious, I gave up and just cried.  I didn't know what else to do, and I didn't want to be the one to call back.

I think if Id brought up the sex part he would have just thought I was trying to be mean, because I have always tried to build him up in that department too. Maybe that's been a mistake. If he thinks he's doing a good job why try to do something else? 

He's got to know though. I mean I do try to guide him and such, but he just almost fights it. Even to the point where I'm trying to move his hand to the right place and he fights me moving it. Its beyond frustrating.  The truth is, we have had moments of good sex, but never something that made me go DAMN. I guess the last person I had really good sex with was...sadly..."he who shall not be named!"

So after not hearing from him I texted him Saturday and told him I was sorry that Id hurt his feelings, that that was not my intention, and that I loved him. No answer.

Sunday, angry and frustrated at this point, I texted again and told him that I was going to pack his stuff up and put it in the garage and that I didn't want to do this but not hearing anything from him Id come to the conclusion that he no longer wanted to do this anymore. I wasn't going to wait forever for him and to have the balls to just tell  me. He'd hung up on me and not responded so what else could I do. 

He answered: "I didn't hang up on you, you hung up on me."

Me: no I didn't

Him: I didn't touch the phone

Me: I didn't either

Him: If you're really sorry, you should give me a few days without ultimatums.

Me: If you're really sorry you should have called me back.

The next morning he texted me a link to a new song but no message. I sent him back a thumbs up. I also posted a couple of funny things on his FB page. Yes trying to get his attention. No response. He emailed me Thursday night. Just a link to a game that I like to paly. Its now Saturday the next week and nothing. I've cried over this, been mad again, and just overall really really sad. 

The truth is I would do anything to make this work. I do LOVE him, but I don't know if I'm IN love with him. I don't know if I ever have been. He's my best friend and this is something I've told him before, more than once, when I was trying to break things off. I think sometimes we were just meant to be friends. On my end this reasoning it totally due to the lack of passion in our relationship. Sex does not equal passion. I have reasoned time and time again that if I could just fix that part. That and if he would just make an effort to build me up. Make me feel loved, pretty, sexy, and if we could find real passion in each other, the other things that to him are not important, would be far less important to me. I might even be able to let them go altogether.   

I know one thing for sure, I cant imagine him NOT being in my life. I hope we can work this out but I also don't want to give it more of my soul when it seems like its just not meant to be. I don't know how to change the things that I need from him, and I don't know how to help him make those changes, or if he even would. I would never ask him, or anyone to change as a person. Its behavior, and in some cases like learned behavior that I am talking about, so in theory, changeable. And lets be clear, trying to improve sex and passion, and asking him to be more conscience about building me up mentally, is not a terrible thing. 

I guess I will let it marinate because today, I don't know what to do about it. I suppose if I need those changes I will have to tell him about that, and in doing so, hurt his feelings again, and probably permanently damage us if its not already. 

I'm going on a walk with my friend Anne now. She just got here! Its so good to see her after all this time and to know that's she's going to be living here is such a  gift and the timing could not be better. 

And guess what? The first thing she said just now when I opened the door was Hello Beautiful!!