The Sound of Silence

 Its Tuesday. Pinball day. A day....the only day lately....that I really look forward to. I don't want to go. 

I had a bad night last night. I stayed awake way to long, and got up early so I'm tired and I feel bad. 

I've had a pretty useless day too. Best intentions gone bad. 

Before I got out of bed I laid there looking through texts from R. I went back a whole year. Actually past that to October of last year. I knew what I was looking for but needed to see it to make sure I was right.

There it was. The same fight we just had almost 2 weeks ago. Same subject, same result. 

They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting different results. I guess I'm bat shit crazy then. I did it with HWSNBN for years. Now it seems I'm doing it again with R. 

Still no word from him either. How long do I wait to make it officially over in my head? In my heart it will take a long time. R...Ray...has been a very special part of my life for almost 3 years. I wanted it to work, I STILL want it to work, but we are simply repeating history over and over and not getting anywhere. 

If there is any hope I don't see it. The only thing that will give this a chance would be for him to call me and tell me he's sorry, and that he will make the move to start introductions to the family. If he were to do that I could tell him I'm sorry for making him feel bad, (again) and that I'm willing to move forward but that means actually doing it this time. I just don't see that happening. 

Maybe he just doesn't want it anymore. He's got a new job and the outlook for him is success of a kind he has never known. Getting another girl to let him be a weekend lover will be easy for him. 

He will blame me no matter what. I read it from last year and this will be no different. Last year I was in a very needy place. I'm not now. Sad, yes. Lonely, yes. Needy, no.

 Will it be as easy for me to move on? No. Harder than ever. I'm 51, and I now live with my mom. Those 2 factors alone are going to make my single life difficult at best. One might think that looking at those things would make me go running back to him. Last year it did. I wasn't even in that position yet but it was staring me in the face and I was so afraid of being alone again and never finding anyone else that I went back in and just let it happen all over again. So here I am, a year later exactly where I would have been if Id stood my ground. Only this time I can really look back and see it so clearly. I see where I was and how I should have just stayed the course no matter what the results. 

You cant change the past, but you can change the future. 

I want him back but only if those things we talked about are fixed. The friend part I can concede to, and he does make efforts to do things with people when I ask him to, I just wish he actually enjoyed it. In that regard I have the ability to actively try to change my need for a bunch of friends and approval from others, and hopefully help him change the way he approaches it. That's what I have been doing all this time I guess I would just need to try harder. The family part is completely him, and again, looking at the history repeating itself, I just don't have faith anymore that he's ever going to do anything to change that. The intimacy stuff...well that I would of course continue to work on too, because that part would have to get better or nothing else would make any difference. Maybe that's really the only issue here and the fact that I can't tell him about it without hurting him leaves me clueless as to how to fix it. 

I want so badly to call him. I just want to get it over with one way or another. Every time I get a text I hope its him. Today the phone hasn't chimed at all. Silence all day. Its deafening. 

I can see how the conversation would go. Me repeating the same thing. He will call it an ultimatum. He will tell me its all about me and my needs. If that's true then so be it. I cant give in this time. I've done it over and over and its gotten me exactly nowhere. Were sliding into the end of another year and I cant start a new one with this dead weight dragging behind me. I need to let it go, and if he's not willing to make these efforts I need to let him go. For good. 

In my dream mind post break up, I see us having some time apart then coming together as friends again. Both happy with other people and able to be real friends as we probably always should have been. I know that's fantasy. I know that once this is finally really over, and his stuff is no longer here, I'll never see him again or hear his sweet voice again. 

I love his voice. I love him, but I have to love me more. I guess I will need to get used to the silence.