Thanksgiving Redo

 Its that time of year again already. I cant believe this year has gone by so fast.

When I last wrote I was pretty convinced that R and I were done. The day I was writing Anne visited and we had the best time. It was so good to see her again and to know that she's living here now is just wonderful!

She, as usual had some very good advice, which I took, and after another few days of silence, R finally broke the Mexican Stand-off and texted me Tuesday after pinball.  It was late and I was tired so I didn't answer. I woke the next day to find a string of texts that he had sent throughout the night saying he was sorry and that he loved me. I decided that we needed to talk, so he came over the day and we did just that. 

Long story short, I didn't really know the words I delivered to him in bad that night had hurt him. It had not only done that but triggered him into a place of darkness. I guess I wasn't fair to him about the work he had been doing on himself in the friendship department. I think on my own behalf I was , and still am frustrated that the family thing has not been resolved and looks like it never will be. I asked him to invite his family for Thanksgiving and he said he did but they had plans. I know he didn't invite all of them, just the 2 girls, but I guess that when you expect to not be invited you make other plans. 

The other issues we are having we are working on and that talk was not easy to have, but I do think he is trying harder, and so am I. I think I've had more uplifting words from him in the past few weeks than I ever have. Even if its coming from him thinking he has to do it, it still feels good. 

We still have had a couple of moments where he said something that hit me weird, one thing in particular last weekend about me not going to a football thing at his friends house, but I do think he's really trying. I think he really loves me, and its hard for me to wrap my head around that. 

So that's the good part. The other part is, I still feel like my needs are not being met, but since he is trying I will work with him on that. I also still feel like his triggers are far more important than mine, and I don't know that I conveyed that to him in a way that he understands. Part of that is to do with the family issues. Part to do with how he handles things in general. basically by not talking about them until they are huge. 

He claims that things are not important to him like that so that's why he dismisses them. The fact that they are to me makes no real difference. This is something I am coming to understand that is never going to change and if I am to stay with him I am going to have to accept that.

On the flip side, he has taken to coming with me to my pinball meets, well the last 2 anyway. I don't expect him to always do that and frankly don't want him to. I think that he's looking at it as a way of "us" to make new friends, which is true in a way, but the way he's going about it makes me uncomfortable. I was hoping that we would make friends with a couple. As in him be friends with the guy and such. The way its working out seems to be that he has it in his head that this one lady, Ill call her M, is the perfect start on new friends for us. I would agree but its not like you can just decide that and POUF it happens. 

I agree that we both seem to have more in common with her than the other ladies. She is single though, and the way he is not talking about her non stop made me finally come out and say , "do you just want to fuck her or something?" which I think he was really surprised to hear from me. Its weird. I think I am actually a little jealous. That feeling is foreign to me when it comes to R, but it tells me I care a lot more about him being here than I thought I guess. 

I don't like that feeling though. Its insecurity about myself too I know. I want to feel better about myself so that having a woman friend that's single wont bother me. After all, I was in that boat my whole life. Having couple friends and always being the single one. 

At any rate, I know I need to work on myself and am happy that we seem to be working on each other. 

I wish the rest of my family stuff was going that well.

Thanksgiving was hijacked by Beth and John so we ( Elise, R and mom) are having a reboot tomorrow on Saturday while watching football. I wish Beth and I could make some kind of peace but it seems like her alcohol issues and the fact that neither she or John can stand R are making it nearly impossible.

Oh well. Ill just keep moving forward and try to be thankful for the family I do have. I am also thankful for R and am happy that we are not apart and seem to be moving in the right direction.