New Years Eve 2021 - The day Betty White died...and Iden

Wow Betty White !  I just heard the news. I know she was old but wow what an icon. 

That just about tops it for me. I've been absent because my plans for a good December  / rest of the year were suddenly snatched away from me on December 8th when I fell walking into the place I play pinball and fractured BOTH elbows.   

That first part of my New Years post was written around 3:00 PM on New Years Eve. I was stopped in the middle of that because I got the news that Iden McWhorter, a friend and long ago co-worker at RJCo was found dead at his moms house in Florida the day before. No explanation. No one knows what happened yet.

Iden was a guy that I adored. I had a huge crush on him when I worked at Bobbys, and years later, in 2018, Bobby actually tried to fix us up. It failed but I got a friend out of it instead, which was better. Iden is...was... the only person in the world that shared the freakish love of Legos I have. He also liked weird music. Some I liked, some not so much. He was obsessed with Wide Spread Panic. He admired the street art of Banksy. He took me to The Atlanta Brick Company once, and I knew that day we had a friendship like no other I have. 

We were in touch over the summer, and in December talked about getting together in January to go through his massive Lego collection to find pieces for several builds I have parts lists for. Now I sit looking at the little pile Id made and put aside, waiting for January to get the rest of the pieces, and I don’t want to put them together anymore.

I just can’t believe he’s gone.

I thought when I started to write this post that hearing about Betty White was sad, but this….it’s just too much.

Today is January 3^rd. The other day I was going to write about my unhappy end to my year, but at least I got one. Iden will never see 2022. Iden won’t get another shot at losing weight, or getting work back on track, or fixing a fucked up relationship.

Iden is dead.

I have cried daily about him, and about myself. I’ve made myself miserable, and the broken elbows at the end of the year just made it all worse. Unable to exercise ( not that Id been breaking any records or anything) along with drinking and overeating daily I’ve gained weight and now have over 40 lbs to get off instead of 30.

My relationship with R, in spite of all my efforts, is failing. I know it. I have made such huge mental and physical efforts to bring us closer, and he just stays right where he is. All the talking we did a couple of months ago has gone out the window.

Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. In fact, in a few ways its gotten worse. Its almost as if the more Im sweet and loving to him, the more ugly and dismissive he is with me.

Not being able to be intimate for this long has not helped, but that’s actually not all because of the elbows. R has made ZERO effort to just please ME, something he absolutely could have done. Hell, the first weekend I was hurt I did HIM a favor, but does he think to make ME happy? Nope. In my mind I believe this is because he would have to make ALL the effort, and that’s not his thing.

At first of course I couldn’t do anything, but that’s not the case anymore, and he still has made no effort to do anything about it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe now that R is just not a feeling person. The only emotion he shows is anger, and even that is muted.

When I got the news about Iden I was so upset, but he didn’t comfort me at all. He just went in the other room and watched football with mom. I actually had to ASK him to hug me.

He didn’t even kiss me at midnight on New Years Eve, even though I asked him to earlier that night. Its as if me asking him to do it made him NOT do it. Afterwards he tried to make up for it but it was too late. Everything is too late.

His behavior this past month has been sketchy at best. The first weekend I was hurt I had to basically ask him to help with dishes and food prep. It’s been like that every weekend except one night. I had a meltdown about “people” telling me not to do things Im not supposed to be doing with my arms, but then not doing those things for me. That night he did the dishes. Well most of them. Mom still had to do some, and the other weekends she has pretty much done all of them. He’s left her to do the heavy lifting and it’s not right.

Things like that have given me a new perspective on him. Im not saying he should just work his ass off from the time he walks in the door until he leaves, but that’s what I do, or was doing, every weekend to please him. Not being able to do those things has opened my eyes to what he would be like to live with in a way.

Im guessing there is a reason the house he is in is a wreck. He rarely cleans up. He never buys groceries. He never cooks. His ex-wife and kids have done all that for him for so long he’s just used to it I guess.

One of the things we talked about a long time ago was that there are things I feel like he should just DO without having to be asked. He was offended by that notion, and now I see that no matter what I do or say, or how long we stay together, that’s never going to change. In fact it’s getting worse.

The little things that I need to make each day feel right, like good morning texts, or a phone call at night aren’t happening. He won’t make plans for the weekends. Not even Christmas. He shows up with little to no warning. I cant plan anything for the weekend because he may decide not to come until Saturday. That’s happened a few times in the last 6 weeks or so. The last 2 weekends he didn’t even stay longer than 24 hours. He told me New Years Day he felt bad, but I honestly don’t believe him. I think he wanted to go home, so when he did leave I was glad. I didn’t want him here anymore.

For Christmas this year I gave him a letter, stating all these wonderful things that I felt about him. He said he didn’t deserve it. He is correct. I meant them in my heart, and also I was attempting to boost him up, hoping that would make him feel closer to me. Not everything I said to him is even true, but I wanted it to be, so I thought if I put it down on paper for him to read, maybe he will strive to be that person. I don’t think that’s possible anymore.

The year 2021 was a shit show not unlike 2020, only this shit show was totally my fault. I made no effort to get new work. I made no effort to learn new skills. I made no effort to lose weight, quit drinking, or exercise more. Well that’s not completely true, I was exercising pretty well for a few months there, then I hurt my back, and I was getting ready to start up again at the first part of December, but then I had the elbow fracture happen so it’s all just been a perfect ending to a perfectly fucked up year.

I can’t change the past but I MUST change the future. I can’t write about how much I want it, I have to do it.

R will not help me in any of this. I mean no one can do it for me. I know that, but I also don’t need any more reasons to be unhappy, and right now that’s him.

Its weird, I write all this thinking that I need to just let him go. Part of me wants that, but part wants to see what I can do with myself, and maybe when Im better inside we will be better too. Another part of me thinks that if I stay with him, I will never BE better inside, because being with him is part of the problem.

So many changes needed and I feel like I don’t know how to even start. I am still house bound, and even if I had work coming in I can’t do it yet. I expect I will be able to shoot again in a couple of weeks, and I know I need to use that time to do things to improve what I do. Learn the techniques that Im lacking, or at least start to. I realize too, these are things that I should have been doing for the last month that I’ve been bound to this place, but I didn’t, so that’s that.

I feel like I have so many things I need to do and I have no motivation to start any of them. It’s much easier to just have a drink and play XBOX.

1% changes. That’s what they say are the building blocks to a better life. Not huge sweeping resolutions. I know I’ve done this a million times but if you don’t at least start you can’t ever change anything. So who cares that Im starting over again? That’s another thing I HAVE to do, stop beating myself up for failing.
Acknowledging the good and living in a grateful way instead of a bitter resentful way.

Depression has sucked me down a well, and unfortunately it’s a very comfortable familiar place. I am living in “what if” in the past, and therefore not making any progress. This MUST stop.

Part of what I had intended to post before getting the news about Iden was about getting rid of things in my life that don’t bring me joy. I intend to do that, starting with my bad attitude.

I don’t know if my mind is sour because of me being with R, but I know this relationship is definitely NOT bringing me joy.

I don’t know, however, if part of that is just because Im unhappy with other parts of my life, and frankly stuck in a place that’s feeding me unhealthy habits, which make me happy temporarily, but more unhappy once they wear off.

In the last month I have left this house exactly 4 times, including only 1 walk around the neighborhood. That’s the other thing that has made this month a living hell. The weather has been so bad that when I could finally walk outside without fear of falling or discomfort I haven’t been able to. I mean yes there have been days I could have and didn’t, some of which were on weekends when R was here, and of course, he doesn’t want to go for a walk so it didn’t happen.

Sometimes I wonder if the past 2 years had not been under a pandemic, and I was still working like usual, and had been able to continue the gym and all that…shit Im doing it again…Im living in memories and “what if”. The past is NOT going to help your future.

OK, so that’s what I am going to work on today. For me, and for Iden, who doesn’t get to have another chance, Im going to give myself one.

Changing the way I think.

Pushing the negative thoughts away.

Giving myself 1 thing a day to be proud of.

A walk, a ride on the recumbent bike (Im going to give that a try right after this), reading a chapter in the book I need to learn to take the FAA test, taking a virtual class to improve my photography skills.

All this has to revolve around me not drinking and while I know in my heart I can do it, Im not going to sit here and say it’s going to be easy to give up. It’s a habit that Ive taken GREAT comfort in. Even that is getting old tough. Ive found myself more than once in the evening looking at the clock, seeing its 7 or something, and thinking, ya know I could just go to bed in a couple of hours and not have that drink tonight. Then I go ahead and have one, which leads to many, many more.

Last night I was “accountable” for the first time in a while. The results were that I had 2 glasses of wine, and 12 drinks over a 9 or 10 hour period. I started early, which is sort of a Sunday tradition I’ve had for years. Not Saturday or week days, but even those days I’ve seen 3:00…maybe 4:00 come around and go ahead and start drinking. Its pretty bad I guess. I haven’t gone to bed sober, or before midnight in a month. The last day was the day I broke my elbows, which was December 8^th, and Im pretty sure I would have stayed up and drank that night too if that had not happened.

Am I an alcoholic? Textbook Im sure. I don’t FEEL like that though. I feel bored with it. It’s become something that I do to fill the time in the evenings because I have no life and Im unhappy.

I can’t expect another person to fill that void. I have to do it myself with something that makes me happy, and is not hurting my body and mind. God, when I think about how happy I would be if I was in the shape I used to be in…there it is again…living on memories. That is going to be a hard one to break, but I guess at least Im conscious of it, and that’s a step.

So step 1 – don’t think past today…tough one.

Today Im going to get on the recumbent bike, and that will make me feel good.

Today I am grateful that I actually HAVE a recumbent bike in my house to help me exercise in my lame condition!

I am always of course, grateful that I have a family that is supportive and patient with me. I know I have many things to be thankful for.

I will acknowledge them all, but today I am going to appreciate the fact that I am alive and being given yet another chance to get it right.

2021 yet again didn’t start or end the way I had hoped. I know now more than ever that I MUST take charge of my course in this life. I have been extremely lucky in the past, and sometimes I think I’ve ridden that luck out.

The only part of the past I do want to acknowledge today is that 10 years ago on a cool January day in 2012, I was writing in this blog about how Id quit drinking for 2 weeks and how hard it had been at some point, but that overall it was fine, and that I was starting to work out.

I didn’t know then that 2012 would turn into the best year in my whole life, and as much as I wish I was there, I never will be again. My body is 10 years older, and things will never be the same as they were then. The way I need to eat, drink, and exercise will never be that way again. I am going to have to really start over in every way, and figure out what works for me NOW.

I can proudly say that I am still 90 lbs lighter than I was then, and even though the negative voice that lives in my head just immediately popped up to let me know that I am worse off now than I was a year ago, I will not let it win today.

Im off to the “gym room” I will exercise and be grateful I am alive to do it, and as I cry another tear for Iden, who left this world much too soon, I hope I can do his memory justice. I hope that his tragic end gives me the inspiration I need to move up and onward to a better life, because you really never do know when you’re on your last day. When mine comes I want to know in my heart that I gave it my best and didn’t waste the many wonderful gifts I have been given.

The sun is finally out…literally...for the first time in over a week and its timing is perfect. Maybe its Iden up there giving me a little sunshine and a little hope.

To Iden, wherever you are. I hope you are building the best Lego world ever. I miss you my friend.