This time last year I was watching my house slowly empty out. Moving day from my little house in Decatur. What a long day that was, and what a year its been. Another New Year reset? Possibly. I certainly could use one.
It took me so long to get settled here, and for months I really thought Id made a huge mistake, but now I don't. I cant take it back anyway, and even though nothing has been "normal" all year, I think I can finally say I am settled and happy with my surroundings and the routine mom and I have developed at least for the most part. I do miss my time alone. Even though in this big place I have plenty of space to be by myself, if you've ever lived by yourself you know its not the same. In my little house Id come in from work on a hot day, strip in the kitchen (where the washer and dryer were) and walk through the house naked. I miss stuff like that.
I miss going into my little office with the huge window that overlooked the big back yard and getting my day started. I miss going into that same room at night sometimes, closing the doors and playing music so loud my ears rang. I miss being able to watch things on TV that had bad language or loud sex scenes without having to turn down the volume. I miss being loud during sex...not that that's been an issue for a while regardless of location.
Yeah, there are lots of things I miss, but I have other good things that have replaced them. I have always loved this house, and lets face it, its a nice place to live. Also, with my finances being in the toilet its a damn good thing I had this place to go to. There are other good things too. My life is not being lived just for me anymore. Its being lived for my mom too, and the fact that I get to spend this time with her makes me truly happy inside. I know its going to be up and down, and there are still adjustments to be made, but the more I can focus on the HAPPY the better off I'm going to be.
Did I just say HAPPY? Yes!! I feel good this morning inside. I'm not sure why exactly because physically I'm actually sick.
I guess I gave myself an anniversary present early because I finally got it. COVID! Yes all these months...um years.. trying to avoid it like the Plague (is it funny that I can say that and it literally be true?) and it finally got me. I'm actually relieved, and feel lucky as well. I'm sick, but not horribly sick, and since I was able to avoid it for so long I feel like I dodged the bullet of the real nasty version that was, and is, still killing people.
I think I got it at pinball. The first time going back since my fall was last Tuesday a week and a half ago. 3 other ladies had symptoms that they told me about over chat after I told them Id tested positive. I think they thought the same thing I did, that it wasn't Covid because of the symptoms. I haven't lost my sense of smell or taste (of course it wouldn't affect anything that might make me eat less!!) and I've never had fever.
I hear there is another variant already spreading in Europe which means its likely here too. I hope that this episode will give us (if mom tests positive) the defense that will get us through to some kind of heard immunity. Its got to happen eventually.
In other news, my oldest sister is in the hospital. She should go home today I hope but I'm fearful of the news that she's going to get from her Dr.
Beth has Crones, and liver disease. She was told in May of 2019 that she needed to stop drinking ASAP, and she just never has. I know in 2020 it was over the top. I still lived 5 houses away from her then and saw it with my own eyes. Sometimes over the years Id walk up there and she'd be just passed out in her chair in the den at 11:00 AM from drinking since she woke up. She looks different that she used to, and she acts different. Beth and I were best friends for years, and while I know that me getting away from that co-dependent friendship 10 years ago was a game changer for me in my own life in a good way, I still miss her. She is my sister and I love her, and I'm so worried sometimes that we are going to have to bury her, but she, like all of us, has to be the one to make changes.
On that note, I made a decision last night to block R from my phone. After several days of not communicating, then having a day or 2 of back and forth that was not nice, I finally texted him and told him that I just needed time away and that I was sorry for being so difficult to deal with. I guess I chickened out of just flat out telling him its over for good. I thought that would chill him out long enough for me to go to phase 2, get him his stuff back (still in my car) and tell him I wanted to stop for good. It didn't. He's gone back to his thing when he wants to make it all go away where he texts me very supportive things and is very sweet. In the past, I have been swayed by this, thinking that if this lasts we can move forward, but eventually...not even very long in...it always reverts back to the normal grind and I end up being unsatisfied and unhappy.
He made a mistake last night though. First, he asked me how I was feeling, then followed up with telling me that he wished he'd been with me when I got it so we both could have had it at the same time. I told him that he would have just gone home to his house and spread it to his kids. He then said that he would have been "happy to be quarantined with me" which immediately made me irritated, because I knew it wasn't true.
Over the past 2 years no less than 3 times he thought he had it. Two of those times he found out about being exposed while he was with me here, and once at the old house. All 3 times he decided it was best for him to go home, (even though I reasoned with him that if he had not been he was better off staying, and if he had been, Id surely been exposed through him already) so he could be amongst his things to quarantine. This time would have been no different and him saying that just made me mad.
When I got quiet after that he tried a different angle. I told him the other day about Beth being in the hospital and he asked about her. I told him she had had to get fluid drained from her abdomen. Almost 4 liters. Mind you, he doesn't like her or her husband and while I know he wouldn't be a jerk about her being sick, I still think it was just an excuse to talk to me. So when he sent me an article about her condition (cirrhosis - and the draining of the abdomen being a serious side effect of a person that is way far gone) I instantly got mad. I know what it is, and had already experienced it with my dad 6 months before he died. I told him that, and also that I didn't think it was OK for him to be commenting on her seeing how he didn't like her. I think he got a little irritated and made a curt response, followed up quickly by "I'm sorry".
I decided right then that blocking him is the only answer for now. Its weird too, because after I did it, I felt guilty, like I was being mean or something. I was trying to deal with it another way. I wanted to be nice and still text with him now and then, but with him constantly texting me I will never be able to get him out of my head. He is trying to make this just go away so we can stay together without fixing anything, and I'm trying to get past it because I no longer believe it can be fixed.
Last night when I went to bed I was thinking about what I had been doing the year before. The night before the move was stressful of course. I remember being upset with him because he came over late to help me pack up the last of my things (he had not helped me move a single thing up to that point and Id been packing stuff and moving things for over a month) and when he got there informed me that he almost didn't come at all. Then proceeded to sit down and chill while I was continuing my back breaking work. When he said he was hungry I stopped long enough to order food...something that he totally could have done but again, didn't, and finally got finished with his belated help by around midnight.
Don't get me wrong I am grateful, in spite of what he thinks, for every moment of help he has given me. I know every little detail of the helpful moments he has given me...well...US. In fact I could list them. Trust me, he has never let me forget it. Important things none the less, and again I'm grateful for all of them, but I really hope if I am ever lucky enough to experience love again that I will have more of a balance when it comes to deeds of service. I want to feel like for once I'm getting as much as I give, and NOT be made to feel like I have to grovel at his feet in gratefulness over every one. I want those things to happen because the person I'm with WANTS to do them, and doesn't have to be asked.
I know its not a perfect world, and that every relationship, even my mom and dads who I idolized as what a relationship should be, had moments of anger, irritation, even exasperation with each other over some chore or another, but I also know that they worked together with almost everything.
A true partnership. That's what I want and I'm not going to settle for anything less from here on out.
I will have to cut the cord soon as I know this is not the way to handle things long term. I don't want to be mean to him or hurt him any more than he's going to be, but I need a little distance in order to gain that strength before I can do it.
I guess the gift of Covid through quarantine is giving me that time and space. A little anyway. I have a hair appointment next Tuesday and if I'm able to keep it, I plan to ask him to meet me in Decatur at the place where we first met in person, MPB. There I will tell him to his face that its over, give him his things and say goodbye. God my heart hurts just writing it out. Ok enough.
I woke up in a good mood so I want to feed that beast instead of the sad monster. On this anniversary of my new life in a new home, I'm going to do some things today that are positive, and start to build on that foundation.
Wish me luck!
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