Its almost been a month since R left my home, unknowingly, to never come back.
This past week has been hard in many ways, not the least of which was getting into what I hope is a final argument over text with R. It was not my intention to end things over text. I had hoped to have a quiet conversation with him about it, but I guess that was going to be impossible.
Every time I tell him the things that have bothered me all these years he gets defensive and tells me he's doing the best that he can, and that I am causing all this by living in fear.
He's right to some degree. I do fear change. I also fear the unknown.
I certainly could just keep things the way they are. I have actually even though it was making me unhappy, but the universe is screaming at me to get off my ass and make the life for myself that I want. I've been hearing the cry for a long time, and all the things that have lead to this moment have pushed me even further to the edge. I have resisted, I have struggled, and I have at times just given up, letting things remain the same. Its so much easier to just go along. Fighting for what you want is much much harder.
I thought that Iden dyeing, and the 2 weekends that followed were the final straw, but I was still having doubts that breaking things off with him was a mistake. That was, until Monday when I found out that my oldest sister is in such bad health that she has significantly shortened her life. I'm not going to say she is dying because I cant wrap my head around that, and its also not true...yet. Right now she is fighting for her life. Not in the hospital, but in her head and her body.
My sister used to be my best friend, but as much as I love her, she is also toxic to be around. She never had bad intentions but I can look back through the years of posts on this blog and see what an impact living with her for so long had on my life in a negative way. When I finally broke free of her my life changed. It was hard work, but it did, and eventually we came to a place where we could be friends again without her life choices rubbing off on me as much. Even then there were many many times when I would fall right back into those old bad habits with her. Why? Because it was comfortable.
Comfort. What is it to be comfortable? Is it the way your pants fit? Is it the ease (or unease) you feel in the company of strangers? Is it the way a cookie might make you feel calm when you are in anguish? Is it a hug when you need it? It is indeed all of these things and much more. Comfort can be a wonderful thing and every living thing on this earth needs it to some degree. What I have learned is that there are different types of comfort, and not all of them are good.
I can honestly say that I am comfortable with Ray, but not in a good way. The comfort I feel in him comes from him just being here. When I say "here" obviously I don't mean just in my presence because that is part of our issues. What I mean is that if I left things alone, I mean really just let things ride like they are and allowed my life to flow on the stream that HE is comfortable with, I am sure he would be in my life forever. There is a part of me that wishes I could just let go of the things I really want to experience in my life with another person. I know people that have done just that, but I also know they are not really happy inside. They stay in their relationships "for the kids", or, like me, fearing the onset of age and having to put myself out there again to start anew with someone else. Assuming that that chance is even out there.
I have a friend that is happily married, on husband #2, and she had to make that choice several years ago. She could have stayed married for the kids, but she was unhappy, and finally after a "last straw" kind of event, she finally broke free. I know she struggled financially to a degree, and had many other issues to overcome because of that choice, but she got out. She saved herself, and now she's married to the RIGHT person. Oh I've seen them have issues too, but look, I'm not delusional. I know nothing is perfect and I know that even the best relationships struggle at times, but I feel like those couples have something that holds them together beyond money or kids. I cant say what that is exactly, because I've never had it myself. I think though, it must be the love and trust of that other person. Knowing, REALLY knowing, who that person is, and for the most part, liking the same things.
Can you really KNOW another person? I myself have never had that experience, but I have to think that those people that have these successes do know each other as much as humanly possible. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe that's part of what R is talking about when he says I have expectations for people that are unreasonable. Or, maybe he himself has never experienced it and because of that, it doesn't exist. I can tell you, it does not exist between us, and after 3 years, my thought is, its never going to.
I'm melancholy today. Its raining yet again. I feel like the last 3 months have been a true test to every part of my body, mind and spirit. The weather has been like this, or just grey, more often than bright and sunny which in a way is fitting since that's been the way I have felt. Its time to make my own sunshine. Sometimes you just have to decide to be happy.
I cant be totally happy today because I'm packing up Rs things into a box and shipping them UPS to his house. I know this is going to blindside him and he will be sad, mad, and broken hearted. His happiness has been tied to being with me, which I can understand but is also unhealthy. I don't think that those couples that seem to have a good solid relationship tie their complete happiness to their mate. I think they are happy as individuals, and even have different interests to a degree but at their core, they really do like the same things which allows them to enjoy those things together. That, I believe, is the other half of the equation. Knowing someone and having interests that you like to do together, not just for the other persons sake. Do people do things for the sake of their mates? Of course, but the core things they like to do with each other because they already liked them before they met. I think you can also be introduced to new things and grow to like them, but the bottom line is , you DO like them.
R told me all the time that the reason he does the things that I like to do is because him liking them is not important. He says that just being with me is what's important. I've told him over and over that I don't want him to do things just because I want to do them if he doesn't like it. It goes round and round and just like every other issue we have, gets nowhere.
I can appreciate his efforts to do things that I enjoy just for my sake, and I would hope that he would grow to like them as well. That really hasn't happened and he uses it as a pedestal to preach to me on, which of course makes me feel like an ass. How can I get mad at someone who sacrifices himself so often just to make me happy? The more I think about it, the more it makes me feel manipulated. Of course if you asked him he'd be all "Oh so me being a nice guy and accommodating your needs is a bad thing?"
My needs. I think I just grasped what he thinks fulfilling my needs means. The pool is a great example. I love swimming. I love to be by the pool. Literally in the summer on the weekends that's pretty much all I want to do, which he has known since I met him. How did he know? Because in our first communications on line when you are asking the other person what they like etc.. I told him. It was also on my profile. That's what you do. You tell people your likes and dislikes hoping to meet someone who is compatible and has similar interests. I think to him, when he sits outside in the 98 degree heat beside the pool in long pants and rarely gets in the water he is meeting my need to be outside by the pool. He's sacrificing his comfort just to be with me. Its the same thing when people come over. He plays nice to people he calls sheep just to make me happy. It a nice gesture, but its also ridiculous, and I doubt sustainable. No one can do things they really don't want to do for the long haul without consequences. For us, these came out through his constant need to remind me of what a good boyfriend he has been, doing all these things just for my sake. What he has never gotten in spite of me telling him this, is that any enjoyment I might have is being lessened by the fact that I know he is unhappy and would rather be doing something else. What would he like to be doing instead? I really don't know. Honestly, I don't. I mean I know he's a musician, but I've only ever seen him play music on old videos. Other than that hobby, I don't have a clue.
I have always thought we have a lot in common, but maybe we really don't. If he is "sacrificing" his own likes and needs under the guise of being this great boyfriend that cares nothing for his own personal comfort because just simply being present in my space is enough, then not only do we not have things in common, but I have no idea what he actually does like.
This also means that I don't really know him, and because he has never ever made a real effort to let me into his life, in his own personal space, I never will. I think in his mind, he thought one day he would leave his space behind and be a part of mine, but that was never going to happen without me getting to know him in his own environment. That's a discussion we had repeatedly too, and just like the rest of them it went nowhere.
I keep writing more and more about him and the things that are wrong, and I know that is a lot of negativity. I hope that I am getting it out of my system through this. I feel like I've been poisoning my body for so long. Not just with negative mental things but physically too. My unhappiness has always manifested in food and alcohol abuse, and its been totally out of control for the past 2 years.
Monday after my sister told me her diagnosis, Portal Vein Hypertension with Ascites, I read a lot about it. Its bad. My sister was told almost 3 years ago that she had to quit drinking and she didn't. Now, after having a game changing ER visit that turned into a 3 day hospital stay, she is home and sober. She says she's been sober now for 3 weeks or so. Quit smoking too. She did these things finally because she literally was about to die. I really hope she sticks to it, because one drink more and that's it. As it is, her chances of living another 5 years are about 50/50.
My sister knew she was in trouble but she didn't want to believe it. She was happy and living her life the way she wanted to. Shes' married to a man that would walk on fire for her, and she loves him just as much, but for some reason, she didn't love him, or maybe herself, enough to quit before the real damage was done. What a life she has given up. They could have had 30 more years together or more. Now they absolutely will not unless she, by some miracle, gets well enough to get a liver transplant. I cant believe this is happening to her. To us. Our family. She and I have had a strained relationship at best ever since R entered my life. I understand why to a degree, but maybe I was being stubborn too. I know she wants me to be happy, and I think even though it took a long time to happen, we both finally realized that we were never going to be able to be as close as we once were with her husband in the picture. She always thought I was jealous, and maybe I was. Not of her having John, because I would NOT want to have him as a mate, but I would like to have someone that loves me as much as he loves her. John and I have never really gotten along, and sometimes I have blamed him for her being such a mess too. There's a part of me that thinks that he should have quit drinking 3 years ago and MADE her do the same. I also know that my sister runs that family and she was going to do what she wanted to do regardless, because she knew he would never leave her no matter how bad it got.
I guess my point is, she's happy, and I don't understand how she could have just let it all go just for a drink. That being said, the day I got this news the first thing I wanted to do was get a glass of wine, but I didn't. Scared straight? Maybe, but I'll take it. The last 2 days I've had drinks, but a whole lot less, and I've already scheduled a Dr appointment for Tuesday next week to get all my shit checked.
What if I get the same warning that she did 3 years ago? Will I blow if off like she did? I guess when its you that are in that situation its different, but I have to believe whatever they say about my health that I will take what's happening to her and make those changes that I have been writing about for years. I mean seriously, do I really need another message from the universe telling me to make changes now?
I wish with all my heart that Ray and I could have a life together, but the reality is, I've been dating a man for 3 years that I only know in a limited way and that's just not enough. I want more. I deserve more. Maybe it wont happen for me, but I cant stay where I am even if that's true.
I've got to make myself uncomfortable to move forward. I've got to do things that I don't want to do, period. Change is so hard. So uncomfortable. I have to find new ways of comforting myself. Food and booze are not the answer, and neither is staying in a relationship that doesn't work.
I'm off to do what exercise I can, and then I am going to pack those things in a box and go to UPS, no matter how hard, or uncomfortable it is.
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