For the first time in over 10 years I decided NOT to write anything on New Years Eve. I really had meant to get to it, but time slipped up on me really fast and then it was over. Truthfully, I thought about it the next day and just didn't have the strength for it.
So 2023 recap. *sigh*
First off, that post from the beginning of 2023 was delusional in its optimism. I did it on purpose. I was REALLY trying to "fake it till you make it", but it didn't work.
I'm not good at fake. Guess who IS good at it? Ray of course. His miserable existence drug me down for another 6 months, then I snapped. I broke things off in early March, under the guise of "lets be friends".
After that he was still coming over on the weekends, spending the night and going home Sunday, just like he always had, only I wouldn't sleep with him. That actually stopped ON his birthday in April, which he would tell me later was "the best it ever got" so I guess in the end I really did do all I could to save it. I gave a performance that I should have won an Oscar for...or a porn award...whatever, and THAT was part of what he thought was so wonderful. I realized right after HE was finished that this was it. It really wasn't ever going to get any better than that right there, which for me, was not even close to being OK, but for him, it was the best night we had ever had. From beginning to end I had planned everything perfectly. I even got some of his kids involved and actually got to spend time with them for the first time ever. It was only made awkward by Ray. That hurt me. Badly. That was it, the opportunity to have us mesh FINALLY and it was like he was a cat in a house full of rocking chairs. He didn't even act like himself, or the "self" I was used to anyway. I left feeling very drained and thought, OK, things are going to start changing as of now. And they did.
My world was getting smaller and smaller. With little to no work, and my money drying up from my house sale, I was getting to a very dark but very familiar place. I spent the whole spring (and summer) with no help from my sisters with mom with the exception of one weekend at the end of May when Elise was going out of town, and I took mom to stay at her house with Beth. And guess what? I was sick...bad...so the whole weekend sucked.
With that, and my work being pretty much gone, I was in trouble, and for the first time in a very long time I thought about suicide. Yup, I was really there, so I started trying HARD to crawl out of the hole but nothing seemed to be working. What I didn't realize was that the medication I had been prescribed at the end of 2022 instead of the Adderall that Id taken forever, was having side effects. Bad ones. Oh, I was depressed alright, but suicidal, that was scary. Desperate for answers I read that the medication I was on might be responsible for the suicidal thoughts, so I stopped taking it, cold turkey. A few days in without it I felt better, but I was still depressed and now not taking anything for my REALLY bad ADHD.
I had started taking the other med because no one up here would prescribe Adderall, so in desperation I started going to my old Dr. in Decatur, who gave me the Adderall back. We had a follow up a few months later and I told her then I was still feeling depressed. She started me on Wellbutrin. I have resisted anti-depressants for years, but this was not a situation that I felt I could get past on my own. I'm still on them, and after a dose adjustment I think I'm actually feeling a bit better.
In the months following Ray's birthday I would see him less and less. I was making decisions and plans that kept me busy and away from him. I started spending a Friday night here and there at Portal playing pinball by myself. Then out of nowhere, a fast friendship with Amanda from pinball formed. It started out with making plans to hike one weekend, then turned into every weekend, which was a real gift, and couldn't have been better timing. We basically spent the spring and summer hiking and swimming almost every weekend. I'm pretty sure if I had not gotten to be close with her I would not have ben able to shake him. She was /is my first real friend connection up here since I moved. More on that and pinball later.
I was still seeing him, but because of my new routine on the weekends it was easier not to include him. He hated hiking, and was never really thrilled about swimming either. It was just one more thing he did for me but never liked. I did go back and forth though. My heart just kept missing him always being around. He also managed to make my birthday suck .... AGAIN...so theres that too.
Finally in July after a particularly painful night at Gishys birthday party in Decatur where he truly behaved like a sour apple, making me leave early (even after I told him Id go by myself) I just stopped calling him. To my surprise, he didn't call me either. I guess he was tired too, or so I thought. A few weeks later he called me wanting to go to lunch. We had been texting here and there so it wasn't like we had stopped communicating altogether, I was just no longer checking in with him every Friday to see when he was coming over. Without that "invite" he had just stopped, and would later tell me he had just needed a break after the 4th of July and that party from all the people, but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be around me. Whatever...
Lunch happened, and in the middle of it, he leaned over the table and tried to kiss me. I backed away and said, "were not doing that anymore". We got through the rest of it and on the way home he exploded. 'How could I throw him away when all he's ever done is love me and be there for me when I needed ANYTHING'...so that's when the real FRIENDS ONLY thing came in, and it hit him that I was serious.
In the months after July when our hanging out all but dried up, several things happened that really tested my will to go it alone, and although he was still "there" for me every time I called without question, things had changed. He would come when I called and hang out when I asked him to, all the while telling me the same things again and again. We rarely hung out unless we were doing some kind of project at my house, and because I was feeling guilty about that, I would ask him to go do other things now and then. Every time he would end up thinking we were starting over again and I would end up having to remind him, which was just more bad.
His funk deepened too. He said he was depressed and nothing was going to pull him out of it. He no longer cared. Id abandoned him blah blah blah...these outbursts would happen now and then. In between he would act like all was well. I kept telling him that the Wellbutrin was working great for me and that he should get back into therapy and ask about it. Meanwhile he had actually stopped taking EVERYTHING he'd been prescribed, and not on Drs orders. He shared that little nugget a month or so later.
In September, mom got a UTI and ended up in the hospital twice. Things were harder than ever for me. I was hitting a breaking point but no-one seemed to care about it. Even Ray was getting more distant. He said it was work, and I believed him. I was also missing him. Not romantically though, but our friendship had always been very important to me. I didn't know if it was that or work but he was becoming more confusing than ever. Always nice, always willing to help, and mostly respecting the boundaries I had set up.
Right before moms health problems started I had actually gotten into trying to learn how to do video again, and was looking at taking the drone test...AGAIN...but all of that came to a screeching halt when the mom stuff started happening. Ray was part of the video stuff. He was/is struggling financially too and I thought hey, I'll shoot it and he can edit it! Perfect! But the hospital stays changed what little routine I had managed to start yet again. My mom, no longer driving, had to be taken everywhere AND needed way more care than before. Still, no real help.
He hung out and spent the night I think 2 more times before the end of the year. One time I made him sleep in the guest room. The next time, he Ubered home. The whole time telling me how much he loved me and how we would sort it all out eventually because we are meant to be.
My heart started to soften near the holidays, and when I was not allowed to ask him to Christmas dinner I was really upset and sad that he wasn't there. The truth is I felt really bad about him being alone. He'd spent the last several years with my family at every holiday, so I felt like a shitty person for not standing up to my family and telling them he was coming. It is MY HOUSE TOO after all, right? So Christmas was sad and depressing.
Part of the holiday misery was also Beth related. I knew in the spring she was drinking again but she was at full tilt by December, getting shit faced at a football party up here, hiding the booze under moms bed, and getting busted because she was on camera. I confronted he about it right before Christmas, and thought that she might not even come. The did come, and although she was sober most of the day, she got into something at some point because at dinner, while telling us how much better she felt after being sober, I could tell she was drunk.
Christmas basically sucked and we all "got through it".
Post Christmas - I had not even gotten him a real gift, but he had one for me (a first), so I had him over once more. That time he stayed, in my bed, with me and Gabby, and it felt good. I missed it. I missed him. Maybe it was the crappy Christmas but I needed that warm snuggle and feeling if being loved. When he tried to have sex, I brushed it off. I was genuinely exhausted or I might have done it, but I'm really glad now that I didn't.
The next few days we were both busy. He with work ( I thought) and me getting the house back together after the disaster of a Christmas. Sunday was NYE, and Saturday, the night before, there was a tournament at Portal. I was back and forth about going, but finally decided to do it because my new HELP had started CRYSTAL!! More on her later....
So yeah it was Saturday evening afternoon, and the last college game of the year was on. Mom wanted to watch it with someone and Ray volunteered (even though he "doesn't watch football"). I had already committed to going to this tournament, and having the option of not coming home at a certain time or check in with my mom for the first time in 3 years was all I could think about.
At about half time Georgia was murdering whoever they were playing, and I was about to call Uber when Ray said he'd go with me. Sure! I was excited that he wanted to come and play. It had been a really long time since he had, and I was hoping his icy view towards me wanting only friendship was finally melting. So we left. I got in his car and immediately smelled cigarettes.
Me "why does your car smell like smoke?"
Him "its from years ago when we played at bars so much.."
This line was still ringing in my head when a text came through his radio. I saw the first line..."hey you! Are you watch.." and as I was reaching to open it he brushed my hand away.
It was her...again. The same woman that he bad mouthed and said he would never see or talk to again. Smoke smell forgotten, I said, "you know what, I have no right to tell you not to talk to her, but its really funny because you told me that you had deleted and blocked her last year."
"oh shes just gotten another phone and Larry gave her my number. I feel sorry for her, shes crazy"
But that feeling in my stomach was there. He dropped me off so he could go to his house and take an Uber up.
What was going to be a fun night with him turned into me being bothered so much by it that I left with Amanda as soon as I was out of the tournament, leaving him there to get his own ride home.
New Years Eve. I didn't hear from him at all until about 4:00 when he texted me to tell me that he was probably going to be asleep before midnight. I said SAME, which I meant at the time.
My writing on New Years was not going to happen. I was in a funk. Out of nowhere I had a pinball friend (who I have a crazy crush on but is 20 years younger than me) text me and wanted to hang out. So that was my new years. Hanging out with him at my house. We played pinball, and watched a crazy movie, then got in the hot tub. I wont lie, at some point I was really hoping for a New Years Kiss ( I never did get one from Ray in all those years) but it didn't happen. We went to be at almost 3:00 AM, and he stayed in the guest room. As it should have been.
I had thought about texting Ray at midnight, but I didn't.
New Years Day. Ray came over and early evening. He smelled faintly like smoke. Too tired to argue, I let it go. We ate the traditional food, watched a movie that I fell asleep on, and he stayed over. I was so tired from the night before when he got in my bed I didn't protest, I just laid down passed out.
Up quickly the next morning there was no snuggle time, which he mentioned that he missed. I sent him home with a bunch of food and went on with the day.
The next week went by quickly, and by Friday I had heard from my pinball friend again, wanting to go out and play somewhere. Excited that I again had someone staying here to help with my mom, I went.
We had a blast, but I felt like a bit of an idiot because I got super drunk and thought Id made a fool of myself. He said no, that I was fine, and we laughed it off. Oh to be 31 again...
The next week I got sick. REALLY sick. I was down for a week, during which time I had a lot of phone calls and Xbox conversations with Ray. "We need to start the video stuff back up, we need to hang out more. You can stay over at my house on the weekend now because Crystal is there "
I was sick and focused on the state pinball tournament that was happening in a week, but I thought, yeah, why not.
State tournament comes and goes. Bad news about the guy who bought my house (which I will cover at another time) sparked conversations about our time at Longshore. Memories...
The last weekend in January I spent mostly at home. Id been running around like crazy for weeks but I did end up spending Sunday with pinball friend. The week leading to it I met Ray for dinner. It was really nice. At some point the conversation turned to us, and other people. Months before, we talked about how we would handle seeing other people, and both agreed that when / if that time came we would tell the other before anything sexual happened, just as a courtesy, not asking permission.
So I said," have you seen anyone?" Id asked him this question before, and his answer was the same. He was too busy, not in that frame of mind, completely in love with me, and always would be. My heart melted a little.
He didn't ask me if I had. But I told him I would let him know just because its the nice thing to do, and honestly a part of me was inching towards trying again. Hanging out with a hot 31 year old makes you feel pretty lonely and old after a while.
He walks me to my car, and says "why don't you come over and give me a back rub?" I thought about nit for 10 seconds, but it was late and I was tired so I said, "maybe another time" smiling, and hugged him hard. We parted with a small peck.
I talked to him Friday. He had a leak that he thought was coming from outside and needed to "find out what it is" before telling his landlord. Those kinds of brush offs of responsibility with a house that's not his has always bugged me, so being a little irritated, I told him I had a Friday tournament to go to but we could catch up Saturday. It didn't feel like a brush off, more like he's busy, I'm busy. And after all, his weekends are his busiest work time so he has told me from the minute he started that job.
Exhausted from Friday, I didn't do anything Saturday. He had sent me the daily "Good Morning" text and I had responded in kind. Nothing else that day. Sunday I got the Good Morning text again, and again I responded. Then I got invited to go to a new pinball place, so I spent the day playing pinball with the 31 year old... we really are just friends and that's totally fine. Any fantasies I may have had about hooking up with him are gone and that's OK too. Super tired, I went to bed pretty early Sunday night. I had not heard from Ray again all day but I said "Goodnight"
On Monday morning, I got the Good Morning around 9:00 AM. Busy with the day, it was evening before I thought about calling him. I was about to start up the Xbox and see if he wanted to play. My phone was giving me trouble saying I needed to look at some unused apps, so I did. One of them was the doorbell camera he has on his front door. I had not looked at in a long time. I had to open it up in order to delete the cash or whatever it was wanting me to do, and that's when I saw it. Let me explain. When you open the app, there are a list of pictures below the live camera picture. One caught my eye. A shadow of someone with a coffee cup coming out the front door that morning with a dog on a leash. It was not something that I expected, so I looked at the video clip.
OK, so there she is, whoever she is. She comes out and takes the dog for a pee break, then comes back in.
I look at the time stamp. 9:30 AM that morning. Maybe its to do with the leak?
Shes not the landlord, I've met her. I look at the rest of the stills from the day and dont see he again. Ray usually goes in and out the garage door which is no where in sight of that camera.
I look at the day before, Easy, its all just small frames of when motion is detected.
Sunday morning...7:45 AM. There she is. The lady was wearing his pajama pants...that I bought him...taking what I assume is her dog out to pee, with coffee in one hand and a cigarette in another.
A cigarette...
I get a better look at her face on this one. She looks vaguely familiar.
Its her. The same woman he cheated on me with in 2021/2022....and now here she is again in 2023. Then I remembered what he had said about her the first time he denied being with her. He said she's too "bohemian", doesn't bathe, is hairy, is crazy, and smokes.
Were we broken up. Yes.
Were we even talking about getting back together? No.
Was I upset in spite of all that? FUCK YES.
Upset, angry, and experiencing that oh my god I really did waste another year and a half of my life with him feeling. again...fucking AGAIN.
So I texted him. What if its something that just happened? If he comes clean about it, I can handle it. It still sucks and is really weird, but OK.
Me -What did you do this weekend?
Him - worked.
Me - Oh? Didn't do anything fun?
Him - Went to see Mike and Larry in a show Saturday night. It was a bunch of old people. ha ha
Me - Did you bring anyone home?
Him - From the class of 1970?? HAHA!
Me - How bout that lady with the dog and the cigarette I saw outside your house this morning and yesterday morning?
Him - silence
I followed up telling him I knew it was her, and that the smoke smell I had noticed a month ago was obviously her too. I told him I knew I had no right to be upset or jealous but I was. The lie is what I was mad at. The LIES LIES LIES. I told him I would never be able to trust him again and that I never wanted to talk to him again. I also said that I hoped he would stop saying such ugly things about her if he was going to be sleeping with her...cuz thats just low.
That was it, and unlike every time before, he has not said a word back. I hope he doesn't. I need this to end once and for all. I do feel badly for her though. He really did talk about he in a very crappy way. Makes me wonder what hes said about me to her.
I did get very upset that night. I cried and cried and cried. Not about losing him necessarily, but the time, my dignity, my years of life spent aging more and more, my hopes and dreams. My trust. Broken. All broken.
It took a bomb like that to get Mike out of my heart...well his was actually worse, but lies are still lies.
I'm glad I didn't write anything on New Years Eve. Im not saying I wont again, but the expectations I set for myself on that one day a year seem to fail me more than help me.
A lot has gone on in between all of this stuff, but as per usual, I gotta get the bad stuff out.
I will also mention, and not lightly, that the sudden passing of a friend on Thursday last week has once again gotten me thinking about the shortness of this life and what I need to do to get some sort of happiness out of what's left of it.
Im now 53 rolling on 54. I met Ray when I was 48. That seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe part of letting him go needed to be this gradual. I would have preferred it not end with another betrayal though. Thats on him. At least this time I'm not heartbroken. Just very very disappointed.
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