What Do I Do Now?

Out of time. Our of money. Out of luck. 

That's how I feel right now. 

Crystal coming in since January has been a HUGE relief, especially since neither of my sisters is ever very helpful in that area. 

Her being here has allowed me to have an actual weekend for the first time in 3 years. I highly doubt either of my sisters ever even stops to think about that. They just think I'm up here in a nice house with free room and board and that should be enough. Its not. 

After seeing the work Crystal does, I realize just how much work I do, and have been doing, without getting paid for it. The conversation I want to have with Elise it this. I need to be paid something each month, because even if we had help in 7 days a week, its only for 8 hours a day. Who does the work the other 8? Me. 

Over the summer I stopped paying for things. As in groceries and things the house needs. I never paid for all of it, but at least half. When my bank account finally slipped down so low I literally couldn't afford to buy anything, I told Elise I was not going to be paying for groceries anymore. I don't know how she felt about that, but frankly I don't care. What was interesting though, was in about 2 months she was flipping out about the amount of money that was suddenly being spent. She said I needed to stick to a budget, etc. Well, guess what? All that extra money is what I have been spending for the last 3 years. Pitching in. Doing my part. Whatever. I do way more than my part.

She says there is not enough money in moms monthly budget to pay me anything. That's hard for me to swallow when the church gets $960 a month from her. I also get that she want to tithe, but how is that right when the person who's actually sacrificing the rest of their mid life to keep her in this house and getting nothing but room and board for it?

When Crystal started coming in, Elise suggested I have her come during the week so that I can work. That alone tells me just how clueless she is to my situation. 

I NEED A FUCKING WEEKEND JUST LIKE YOU ELISE!!! That's what she always used as an excuse not to have mom at her house all weekend to give me a break. SHE needed a day off. HA!

Do I not deserve time off? Is taking care of my aging parent 24/7 not a job? 

What's worse is that even if I wanted to bail on all this, now I cant. I'm stuck just like an indentured servant because I HAVE NO MONEY! 3 years of paying for this and that and yes some things that were just fun stuff and not necessary, but 90% went straight to this house. 

I want to have a conversation with Elise about this but I already know what the outcome is going to be. She will tell me its not in the budget, and that I need to go get a job. 

Walmart here I come! But wait, with my 40 hours a week at my fine new Walmart job, who's going to take care of mom? Oh yes! Her long term health care policy will pay for Crystal to come in every day of the week for 8 hours a day.

But wait, doesn't SHE need a weekend too? OK, sure, so we hire another person to fill in the other 2 days a week so Crystal can have a weekend. So mom has care for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week while I'm at work, and on my weekend during the day. 

So who takes care of her after that 8 hours? ME. For room and board. 

Id like to see Elise and Beth even TRY to do this for a month. WITH NO HELP. They would never make it. After all, Elise did say years ago, "I will not sacrifice the rest of my life to go live with mom". So maybe in the back of her mind she does "get it", enough to not want to do it anyway.

I know this was my choice, and I don't regret it. If I had not made this choice I feel certain mom would be in some facility by now. 

I also know that should mom not have the need to sell this house that I will inherit it upon her death, but I wont be able to keep it if I have no money. Yes I can sell it but that was never the goal. Even if that happens between the capitol gains and fees I will likely walk away with maybe $300K. That's a lot you say? Not really. I will have to buy another house. Smaller, cheaper of course. Probably in the 200-250K range when its all said and done. So what, I'll be left with 50K-100K and a paid off house. 

My old house had 70K left on the mortgage, and would have been paid off in 9 years. If I had not listened to Elise's advice and kept it to rent it out, I would have not only been able to pay the mortgage, but save money monthly for repairs and actually have had a small income all this time. Then at the end of 9 years, being paid off, Id be able to move back in, or sell it, and by then the price of that little house would have been a lot different. 

Lets do the math shall we?

Its been 3 years. 6 more years to have that house paid off. I HOPE mom will still be alive in 6 years, but she's also turning 85 this year, and her dementia is definitely getting worse. 

In the 3 years that I have been here, if I had rented out my house for $2,000 a month, which is totally within the fair market for that area, I would have had $1,000 extra a month coming in. Lets say I saved $500 a month for house issues "just in case".  That means I could have potentially SAVED $18,000 by now, and still had $500 a month in income, which while not enough to completely stop the bleed of my bank account, it sure would have helped. In 6 more years? $54,000. And further, lets say ALL that money had to go back into the house for repairs over the years. I'd still be left with a paid off house in a very desirable area, AND whatever comes of this one. If Id kept Longshore, and it was paid off, then that rent becomes income. Not enough to stay in this house without making money myself too, but it would have helped. And if I found I couldn't afford it, sell it. Then I would have had my house to fall back on, plus whatever from the sale of this house (if I even really end of getting it) to help in retirement. 

That's a hell of a lot better return on my investment than the 50K I sunk into the market, AGAIN on Elise's advice, that has all but been swallowed up. Just gone. I would have been better off just keeping that 50K in a basic savings account. 

I'm frustrated with so many things in my life right now. I feel like in spite of all my efforts I have built nothing and am nothing. I feel grossly underappreciated by my siblings, and just dismissed by my mom. 

My one love and mental relief is my pinball time. The group of people,(well, most of them) that I have met because of starting the women's league has saved my life. Actually given me a NEW life in a way. None of my people from Decatur are a real part of my life anymore. All those years of "friendship", but move 45 minutes away, and its gone. This is not entirely their doing. Part of it is that when I do, or did, get invites to places I cant go because of either not being able to leave mom, or the money.  That's also what makes me laugh, when Elise used to tell me that she would come stay here "anytime"( as long as she has not made plans...which is never), I would try to explain to her that I CANT AFFORD TO GO ANYWHERE, and she would basically shrug her shoulder and say "oh well!".

There really are not a lot of Decatur people that I miss though. My life had been gradually moving away from a lot of them already way before I moved and that was directly because of Beth. I do miss Anne though. I had hoped that her moving back would allow us to get closer but she has her own problems, and does nothing but work. She's also too far away to see much. I hope that once they find a place to move to its closer to me. Why? because no matter how much help I have, unless its the 24 hour kind, I cant stray very far from home. 

I feel very trapped in this life, and the only way out is money. I have to make money somehow.  What happened to my photography business? Covid happened. Covid made the one thing that I cant seem to do for real estate a necessity, fucking video. I have lost all my clients. So many years building up my business and its just gone. 

When I make fun of working at Walmart, I'm actually not really kidding. I am no longer qualified to do anything in the corporate world, and frankly would rather be dead than stuck in another corporate office job. My photography is still good when I get work, but evidently my builder prices are too much. I know there are photographers out there that charge way more than I do so I don't understand how this could be when the clients I DO still have area always satisfied. 

What do I do now? I have no idea. Die I guess. Wait to die, and in the meantime keep taking care of my mom. That's about it. 

This is my life.