Oh Mojo Oh Mojo, where for art there Mojo?

I have been a real Debbie Downer recently. Absorbed in my own world of troubles. 

A friend that I saw on Friday reminded me that forcing a smile when you are down actually lifts your mood without even thinking about it. 

I'm going to try to get that positive vibe going again. No matter what my circumstances are, its only made worse by being negative. 

Also, I AM going to get myself into a routine. I miss my routine. I see "fakebook memories" and every day my gym check ins from 12 years ago pop up. I was so there. I was so in it.

In some ways I'm back in that position as far as finances go. Pre-photo business and on unemployment from the horrible Engineering firm job lay off, I had a lot of time on my hands. I made good use of it though. 

I remember my routine. I remember the things I gave up and how much I gained in good mental health from giving those things up. 

Looking back at things like that have always made me long for that past. I have to stop doing that. My life will never be like that again and the sooner I can stop wishing for the past to repeat itself the sooner I can step into my future.

What that future is I have no idea. 

I have put myself out there again dating wise. I'm not really enthusiastic about it and already have a guy on the hook that I kind of like but kind of don't. We haven't even met yet or spoken on the phone and he's already making me feel like he is needy. 

I want to strong, independent, financially secure man that I am also attracted to physically and mentally.

Tall order at 53.

Maybe its not a good idea to try to meet someone now. Part of me thinks that I need to get my routine back and focus on that and making money. Another part is screaming I'm lonely and shouldn't waste precious time waiting for myself to get back into shape and feel good about my looks again. 

The truth is no matter how much weight I lose my neck will forever make me look 10 years older than I actually am, and there is no fixing that unless I have plastic surgery, which I cant afford. having those surgeries years ago was such a gift, and although I feel like I was never given the opportunity to really enjoy it before the rest of my life fell apart with dad getting sick, I do feel better about my body. Even now with weight gain and no muscle tone, its still far far better than it was.

Muscle. That's what I need, and guess what? Its free. It only costs time, which I will have if I can get myself organized and stick to a routine.

Day one of how many? Hopefully the rest of my life how ever long that ends up being. 

 

What Do I Do Now?

Out of time. Our of money. Out of luck. 

That's how I feel right now. 

Crystal coming in since January has been a HUGE relief, especially since neither of my sisters is ever very helpful in that area. 

Her being here has allowed me to have an actual weekend for the first time in 3 years. I highly doubt either of my sisters ever even stops to think about that. They just think I'm up here in a nice house with free room and board and that should be enough. Its not. 

After seeing the work Crystal does, I realize just how much work I do, and have been doing, without getting paid for it. The conversation I want to have with Elise it this. I need to be paid something each month, because even if we had help in 7 days a week, its only for 8 hours a day. Who does the work the other 8? Me. 

Over the summer I stopped paying for things. As in groceries and things the house needs. I never paid for all of it, but at least half. When my bank account finally slipped down so low I literally couldn't afford to buy anything, I told Elise I was not going to be paying for groceries anymore. I don't know how she felt about that, but frankly I don't care. What was interesting though, was in about 2 months she was flipping out about the amount of money that was suddenly being spent. She said I needed to stick to a budget, etc. Well, guess what? All that extra money is what I have been spending for the last 3 years. Pitching in. Doing my part. Whatever. I do way more than my part.

She says there is not enough money in moms monthly budget to pay me anything. That's hard for me to swallow when the church gets $960 a month from her. I also get that she want to tithe, but how is that right when the person who's actually sacrificing the rest of their mid life to keep her in this house and getting nothing but room and board for it?

When Crystal started coming in, Elise suggested I have her come during the week so that I can work. That alone tells me just how clueless she is to my situation. 

I NEED A FUCKING WEEKEND JUST LIKE YOU ELISE!!! That's what she always used as an excuse not to have mom at her house all weekend to give me a break. SHE needed a day off. HA!

Do I not deserve time off? Is taking care of my aging parent 24/7 not a job? 

What's worse is that even if I wanted to bail on all this, now I cant. I'm stuck just like an indentured servant because I HAVE NO MONEY! 3 years of paying for this and that and yes some things that were just fun stuff and not necessary, but 90% went straight to this house. 

I want to have a conversation with Elise about this but I already know what the outcome is going to be. She will tell me its not in the budget, and that I need to go get a job. 

Walmart here I come! But wait, with my 40 hours a week at my fine new Walmart job, who's going to take care of mom? Oh yes! Her long term health care policy will pay for Crystal to come in every day of the week for 8 hours a day.

But wait, doesn't SHE need a weekend too? OK, sure, so we hire another person to fill in the other 2 days a week so Crystal can have a weekend. So mom has care for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week while I'm at work, and on my weekend during the day. 

So who takes care of her after that 8 hours? ME. For room and board. 

Id like to see Elise and Beth even TRY to do this for a month. WITH NO HELP. They would never make it. After all, Elise did say years ago, "I will not sacrifice the rest of my life to go live with mom". So maybe in the back of her mind she does "get it", enough to not want to do it anyway.

I know this was my choice, and I don't regret it. If I had not made this choice I feel certain mom would be in some facility by now. 

I also know that should mom not have the need to sell this house that I will inherit it upon her death, but I wont be able to keep it if I have no money. Yes I can sell it but that was never the goal. Even if that happens between the capitol gains and fees I will likely walk away with maybe $300K. That's a lot you say? Not really. I will have to buy another house. Smaller, cheaper of course. Probably in the 200-250K range when its all said and done. So what, I'll be left with 50K-100K and a paid off house. 

My old house had 70K left on the mortgage, and would have been paid off in 9 years. If I had not listened to Elise's advice and kept it to rent it out, I would have not only been able to pay the mortgage, but save money monthly for repairs and actually have had a small income all this time. Then at the end of 9 years, being paid off, Id be able to move back in, or sell it, and by then the price of that little house would have been a lot different. 

Lets do the math shall we?

Its been 3 years. 6 more years to have that house paid off. I HOPE mom will still be alive in 6 years, but she's also turning 85 this year, and her dementia is definitely getting worse. 

In the 3 years that I have been here, if I had rented out my house for $2,000 a month, which is totally within the fair market for that area, I would have had $1,000 extra a month coming in. Lets say I saved $500 a month for house issues "just in case".  That means I could have potentially SAVED $18,000 by now, and still had $500 a month in income, which while not enough to completely stop the bleed of my bank account, it sure would have helped. In 6 more years? $54,000. And further, lets say ALL that money had to go back into the house for repairs over the years. I'd still be left with a paid off house in a very desirable area, AND whatever comes of this one. If Id kept Longshore, and it was paid off, then that rent becomes income. Not enough to stay in this house without making money myself too, but it would have helped. And if I found I couldn't afford it, sell it. Then I would have had my house to fall back on, plus whatever from the sale of this house (if I even really end of getting it) to help in retirement. 

That's a hell of a lot better return on my investment than the 50K I sunk into the market, AGAIN on Elise's advice, that has all but been swallowed up. Just gone. I would have been better off just keeping that 50K in a basic savings account. 

I'm frustrated with so many things in my life right now. I feel like in spite of all my efforts I have built nothing and am nothing. I feel grossly underappreciated by my siblings, and just dismissed by my mom. 

My one love and mental relief is my pinball time. The group of people,(well, most of them) that I have met because of starting the women's league has saved my life. Actually given me a NEW life in a way. None of my people from Decatur are a real part of my life anymore. All those years of "friendship", but move 45 minutes away, and its gone. This is not entirely their doing. Part of it is that when I do, or did, get invites to places I cant go because of either not being able to leave mom, or the money.  That's also what makes me laugh, when Elise used to tell me that she would come stay here "anytime"( as long as she has not made plans...which is never), I would try to explain to her that I CANT AFFORD TO GO ANYWHERE, and she would basically shrug her shoulder and say "oh well!".

There really are not a lot of Decatur people that I miss though. My life had been gradually moving away from a lot of them already way before I moved and that was directly because of Beth. I do miss Anne though. I had hoped that her moving back would allow us to get closer but she has her own problems, and does nothing but work. She's also too far away to see much. I hope that once they find a place to move to its closer to me. Why? because no matter how much help I have, unless its the 24 hour kind, I cant stray very far from home. 

I feel very trapped in this life, and the only way out is money. I have to make money somehow.  What happened to my photography business? Covid happened. Covid made the one thing that I cant seem to do for real estate a necessity, fucking video. I have lost all my clients. So many years building up my business and its just gone. 

When I make fun of working at Walmart, I'm actually not really kidding. I am no longer qualified to do anything in the corporate world, and frankly would rather be dead than stuck in another corporate office job. My photography is still good when I get work, but evidently my builder prices are too much. I know there are photographers out there that charge way more than I do so I don't understand how this could be when the clients I DO still have area always satisfied. 

What do I do now? I have no idea. Die I guess. Wait to die, and in the meantime keep taking care of my mom. That's about it. 

This is my life. 

New Years Eve 2023-2024 I DIDNT WRTE ANYTHING

 For the first time in over 10 years I decided NOT to write anything on New Years Eve. I really had meant to get to it, but time slipped up on me really fast and then it was over. Truthfully, I thought about it the next day and just didn't have the strength for it. 

So 2023 recap. *sigh*

First off, that post from the beginning of 2023 was delusional in its optimism.  I did it on purpose. I was REALLY trying to "fake it till you make it", but it didn't work. 

I'm not good at fake. Guess who IS good at it? Ray of course. His miserable existence drug me down for another 6 months, then I snapped. I broke things off in early March, under the guise of "lets be friends".

After that he was still coming over on the weekends, spending the night and going home Sunday, just like he always had, only I wouldn't sleep with him. That actually stopped ON his birthday in April, which he would tell me later was "the best it ever got" so I guess in the end I really did do all I could to save it. I gave a performance that I should have won an Oscar for...or a porn award...whatever, and THAT was part of what he thought was so wonderful. I realized right after HE was finished that this was it. It really wasn't ever going to get any better than that right there, which for me, was not even close to being OK, but for him, it was the best night we had ever had. From beginning to end I had planned everything perfectly. I even got some of his kids involved and actually got to spend time with them for the first time ever. It was only made awkward by Ray. That hurt me. Badly. That was it, the opportunity to have us mesh FINALLY and it was like he was a cat in a house full of rocking chairs. He didn't even act like himself, or the "self" I was used to anyway. I left feeling very drained and thought, OK, things are going to start changing as of now. And they did. 

My world was getting smaller and smaller. With little to no work, and my money drying up from my house sale, I was getting to a very dark but very familiar place. I spent the whole spring (and summer) with no help from my sisters with mom with the exception of one weekend at the end of May when Elise was going out of town, and I took mom to stay at her house with Beth. And guess what? I was sick...bad...so the whole weekend sucked. 

With that, and my work being pretty much gone, I was in trouble, and for the first time in a very long time I thought about suicide. Yup, I was really there, so I started trying HARD to crawl out of the hole but nothing seemed to be working. What I didn't realize was that the medication I had been prescribed at the end of 2022 instead of the Adderall that Id taken forever, was having side effects. Bad ones. Oh, I was depressed alright, but suicidal, that was scary. Desperate for answers I read that the medication I was on might be responsible for the suicidal thoughts, so I stopped taking it, cold turkey. A few days in without it I  felt better, but I was still depressed and now not taking anything for my REALLY bad ADHD. 

I had started taking the other med because no one up here would prescribe Adderall, so in desperation I started going to my old Dr. in Decatur, who gave me the Adderall back. We had a follow up a few months later and I told her then I was still feeling depressed. She started me on Wellbutrin. I have resisted anti-depressants for years, but this was not a situation that I felt I could get past on my own. I'm still on them, and after a dose adjustment I think I'm actually feeling a bit better.

In the months following Ray's birthday I would see him less and less. I was making decisions and plans that kept me busy and away from him. I started spending a Friday night here and there at Portal playing pinball by myself. Then out of nowhere, a fast friendship with Amanda from pinball formed. It started out with making plans to hike one weekend, then turned into every weekend, which was a real gift, and couldn't have been better timing. We basically spent the spring and summer hiking and swimming almost every weekend. I'm pretty sure if I had not gotten to be close with her I would not have ben able to shake him. She was /is my first real friend connection up here since I moved. More on that and pinball later. 

I was still seeing him, but because of my new routine on the weekends it was easier not to include him. He hated hiking, and was never really thrilled about swimming either. It was just one more thing he did for me but never liked. I did go back and forth though. My heart just kept missing him always being around. He also managed to make my birthday suck .... AGAIN...so theres that too. 

Finally in July after a particularly painful night at Gishys birthday party in Decatur where he truly behaved like a sour apple, making me leave early (even after I told him Id go by myself) I just stopped calling him. To my surprise, he didn't call me either. I guess he was tired too, or so I thought. A few weeks later he called me wanting to go to lunch. We had been texting here and there so it wasn't like we had stopped communicating altogether, I was just no longer checking in with him every Friday to see when he was coming over. Without that "invite" he had just stopped, and would later tell me he had just needed a break after the 4th of July and that party from all the people, but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be around me. Whatever... 

Lunch happened, and in the middle of it, he leaned over the table and tried to kiss me. I backed away and said, "were not doing that anymore". We got through the rest of it and on the way home he exploded. 'How could I throw him away when all he's ever done is love me and be there for me when I needed ANYTHING'...so that's when the real FRIENDS ONLY thing came in, and it hit him that I was serious.

In the months after July when our hanging out all but dried up, several things happened that really tested my will to go it alone, and although he was still "there" for me every time I called without question, things had changed. He would come when I called and hang out when I asked him to, all the while telling me the same things again and again. We rarely hung out unless we were doing some kind of project at my house, and because I was feeling guilty about that, I would ask him to go do other things now and then. Every time he would end up thinking we were starting over again and I would end up having to remind him, which was just more bad. 

His funk deepened too. He said he was depressed and nothing was going to pull him out of it. He no longer cared. Id abandoned him blah blah blah...these outbursts would happen now and then. In between he would act like all was well. I kept telling him that the Wellbutrin was working great for me and that he should get back into therapy and ask about it. Meanwhile he had actually stopped taking EVERYTHING he'd been prescribed, and not on Drs orders. He shared that little nugget a month or so later. 

In September, mom got a UTI and ended up in the hospital twice. Things were harder than ever for me. I was hitting a breaking point but no-one seemed to care about it. Even Ray was getting more distant. He said it was work, and I believed him. I was also missing him. Not romantically though, but our friendship had always been very important to me. I didn't know if it was that or work but he was becoming more confusing than ever. Always nice, always willing to help, and mostly respecting the boundaries I had set up.  

Right before moms health problems started I had actually gotten into trying to learn how to do video again, and was looking at taking the drone test...AGAIN...but all of that came to a screeching halt when the mom stuff started happening. Ray was part of the video stuff. He was/is struggling financially too and I thought hey, I'll shoot it and he can edit it! Perfect! But the hospital stays changed what little routine I had managed to start yet again. My mom, no longer driving, had to be taken everywhere AND needed way more care than before. Still, no real help. 

He hung out and spent the night I think 2 more times before the end of the year. One time I made him sleep in the guest room. The next time, he Ubered home. The whole time telling me how much he loved me and how we would sort it all out eventually because we are meant to be. 

My heart started to soften near the holidays, and when I was not allowed to ask him to Christmas dinner I was really upset and sad that he wasn't there. The truth is I felt really bad about him being alone. He'd spent the last several years with my family at every holiday, so I felt like a shitty person for not standing up to my family and telling them he was coming. It is MY HOUSE TOO after all, right? So Christmas was sad and depressing. 

Part of the holiday misery was also Beth related. I knew in the spring she was drinking again but she was at full tilt by December, getting shit faced at a football party up here, hiding the booze under moms bed, and getting busted because she was on camera. I confronted he about it right before Christmas, and thought that she might not even come. The did come, and although she was sober most of the day, she got into something at some point because at dinner, while telling us how much better she felt after being sober, I could tell she was drunk. 

Christmas basically sucked and we all "got through it".

Post Christmas - I had not even gotten him a real gift, but he had one for me (a first), so I had him over once more. That time he stayed, in my bed, with me and Gabby, and it felt good. I missed it. I missed him. Maybe it was the crappy Christmas but I needed that warm snuggle and feeling if being loved. When he tried to have sex, I brushed it off. I was genuinely exhausted or I might have done it, but I'm really glad now that I didn't. 

The next few days we were both busy. He with work ( I thought) and me getting the house back together after the disaster of a Christmas. Sunday was NYE, and Saturday, the night before, there was a tournament at Portal. I was back and forth about going, but finally decided to do it because my new HELP had started CRYSTAL!! More on her later....

So yeah it was Saturday evening afternoon, and the last college game of the year was on. Mom wanted to watch it with someone and Ray volunteered (even though he "doesn't watch football"). I had already committed to going to this tournament, and having the option of not coming home at a certain time or check in with my mom for the first time in 3 years was all I could think about. 

At about half time Georgia was murdering whoever they were playing, and I was about to call Uber when Ray said he'd go with me. Sure! I was excited that he wanted to come and play. It had been a really long time since he had, and I was hoping his icy view towards me wanting only friendship was finally melting. So we left. I got in his car and immediately smelled cigarettes.

Me "why does your car smell like smoke?"

Him "its from years ago when we played at bars so much.." 

This line was still ringing in my head when a text came through his radio. I saw the first line..."hey you! Are you watch.." and as I was reaching to open it he brushed my hand away. 

It was her...again. The same woman that he bad mouthed and said he would never see or talk to again. Smoke smell forgotten, I  said, "you know what, I have no right to tell you not to talk to her, but its really funny because you told me that you had deleted and blocked her last year."

"oh shes just gotten another phone and Larry gave her my number. I feel sorry for her, shes crazy"

But that feeling in my stomach was there. He dropped me off so he could go to his house and take an Uber up. 

What was going to be a fun night with him turned into me being bothered so much by it that I left with Amanda as soon as I was out of the tournament, leaving him there to get his own ride home.  

New Years Eve. I didn't hear from him at all until about 4:00 when he texted me to tell me that he was probably going to be asleep before midnight. I said SAME, which I meant at the time. 

My writing on New Years was not going to happen. I was in a funk. Out of nowhere I had a pinball friend (who I have a crazy crush on but is 20 years younger than me) text me and wanted to hang out. So that was my new years. Hanging out with him at my house. We played pinball, and watched a crazy movie, then got in the hot tub. I wont lie, at some point I was really hoping for a New Years Kiss ( I never did get one from Ray in all those years) but it didn't happen. We went to be at almost 3:00 AM, and he stayed in the guest room. As it should have been.

I had thought about texting Ray at midnight, but I didn't. 

New Years Day. Ray came over and early evening. He smelled faintly like smoke. Too tired to argue, I let it go. We ate the traditional food, watched a movie that I fell asleep on, and  he stayed over. I was so tired from the night before when he got in my bed I didn't protest, I just laid down passed out. 

 Up quickly the next morning there was no snuggle time, which he mentioned that he missed. I sent him home with a bunch of food and went on with the day. 

The next week went by quickly, and by Friday I had heard from my pinball friend again, wanting to go out and play somewhere. Excited that I again had someone staying here to help with my mom, I went. 

We had a blast, but I felt like a bit of an idiot because I got super drunk and thought Id made a fool of myself. He said no, that I was fine, and we laughed it off. Oh to be 31 again...

The next week I got sick. REALLY sick. I was down for a week, during which time I had a lot of phone calls and Xbox conversations with Ray. "We need to start the video stuff back up, we need to hang out more. You can stay over at my house on the weekend now because Crystal is there " 

I was sick and focused on the state pinball tournament that was happening in a week, but I thought, yeah, why not. 

State tournament comes and goes. Bad news about the guy who bought my house (which I will cover at another time) sparked conversations about our time at Longshore. Memories...

The last weekend in January I spent mostly at home. Id been running around like crazy for weeks but I did end up spending Sunday with pinball friend. The week leading to it I met Ray for dinner. It was really nice. At some point the conversation turned to us, and other people. Months before, we talked about how we would handle seeing other people, and both agreed that when / if that time came we would tell the other before anything sexual happened, just as a courtesy, not asking permission.

So I said," have you seen anyone?"  Id asked him this question before, and his answer was the same. He was too busy, not in that frame of mind, completely in love with me, and always would be. My heart melted a little. 

He didn't ask me if I had. But I told him I would let him know just because its the nice thing to do, and honestly a part of me was inching towards trying again. Hanging out with a hot 31 year old makes you feel pretty lonely and old after a while. 

He walks me to my car, and says "why don't you come over and give me a back rub?" I thought about nit for 10 seconds, but it was late and I was tired so I said, "maybe another time" smiling, and hugged him hard. We parted with a small peck. 

I talked to him Friday. He had a leak that he thought was coming from outside and needed to "find out what it is" before telling his landlord. Those kinds of brush offs of responsibility with a house that's not his has always bugged me, so being a little irritated, I told him I had a Friday tournament to go to but we could catch up Saturday.  It didn't feel like a brush off, more like he's busy, I'm busy.  And after all, his weekends are his busiest work time so he has told me from the minute he started that job. 

Exhausted from Friday, I didn't do anything Saturday. He had sent me the daily "Good Morning" text and I had responded in kind. Nothing else that day. Sunday I got the Good Morning text again, and again I responded. Then I got invited to go to a new pinball place, so I spent the day playing pinball with the 31 year old... we really are just friends and that's totally fine. Any fantasies I may have had about hooking up with him are gone and that's OK too. Super tired, I went to bed pretty early Sunday night. I had not heard from Ray again all day but I said "Goodnight"

On Monday morning, I got the Good Morning around 9:00 AM.  Busy with the day, it was evening before I thought about calling him. I was about to start up the Xbox and see if he wanted to play. My phone was giving me trouble saying I needed to look at some unused apps, so I did. One of them was the doorbell camera he has on his front door. I had not looked at in a long time. I had to open it up in order to delete the cash or whatever it was wanting me to do, and that's when I saw it. Let me explain. When you open the app, there are a list of pictures below the live camera picture. One caught my eye. A shadow of someone with a coffee cup coming out the front door that morning with a dog on a leash. It was not something that I expected, so I looked at the video clip. 

OK, so there she is, whoever she is. She comes out and takes the dog for a pee break, then comes back in.

 I look at the time stamp. 9:30 AM  that morning. Maybe its to do with the leak?

Shes not the landlord, I've met her. I look at the rest of the stills from the day and dont see he again. Ray usually goes in and out the garage door which is no where in sight of that camera. 

I look at the day before, Easy, its all just small frames of when motion is detected.

Sunday morning...7:45 AM. There she is. The lady was wearing his pajama pants...that I bought him...taking what I assume is her dog out to pee, with coffee in one hand and a cigarette in another. 

A cigarette...

I get a better look at her face on this one. She looks vaguely familiar. 

Its her. The same woman he cheated on me with in 2021/2022....and now here she is again in 2023. Then I remembered what he had said about her the first time he denied being with her. He said she's too "bohemian", doesn't bathe, is hairy, is crazy, and smokes. 

Were we broken up. Yes. 

Were we even talking about getting back together? No. 

Was I upset in spite of all that? FUCK YES. 

Upset, angry, and experiencing that oh my god I really did waste another year and a half of my life with him feeling. again...fucking AGAIN. 

So I texted him. What if its something that just happened? If he comes clean about it, I can handle it. It still sucks and is really weird, but OK. 

Me -What did you do this weekend? 

Him - worked.

Me - Oh? Didn't do anything fun?

Him - Went to see Mike and Larry in a show Saturday night. It was a bunch of old people. ha ha

Me - Did you bring anyone home?

Him - From the class of 1970?? HAHA! 

Me -  How bout that lady with the dog and the cigarette I saw outside your house this morning and yesterday morning? 

Him - silence

I followed up telling him I knew it was her, and that the smoke smell  I had noticed a month ago was obviously her too. I told him I knew I had no right to be upset or jealous but I was. The lie is what I was mad at. The LIES LIES LIES. I told him I would never be able to trust him again and that I never wanted to talk to him again. I also said that I hoped he would stop saying such ugly things about her if he was going to be sleeping with her...cuz thats just low. 

That was it, and unlike every time before, he has not said a word back. I hope he doesn't. I need this to end once and for all. I do feel badly for her though. He really did talk about he in a very crappy way. Makes me wonder what hes said about me to her. 

I did get very upset that night. I cried and cried and cried. Not about losing him necessarily, but the time, my dignity, my years of life spent aging more and more, my hopes and dreams. My trust. Broken. All broken. 

It took a bomb like that to get Mike out of my heart...well his was actually worse, but lies are still lies. 

I'm glad I didn't write anything on New Years Eve. Im not saying I wont again, but the expectations I set for myself on that one day a year seem to fail me more than help me. 

A lot has gone on in between all of this stuff, but as per usual, I gotta get the bad stuff out. 

I will also mention, and not lightly, that the sudden passing of a friend on Thursday last week has once again gotten me thinking about the shortness of this life and what I need to do to get some sort of happiness out of what's left of it. 

Im now 53 rolling on 54. I met Ray when I was 48. That seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe part of letting him go needed to be this gradual. I would have preferred it not end with another betrayal though. Thats on him. At least this time I'm not heartbroken. Just very very disappointed.

Heading to Close up the Past (written in May of 2023)

 Its been longer than I intended of course, but here I am.

I could fill in the past 4 months, but I need to talk about something thats happening today. 

Today, Elise and I are heading to The Big House. It will be the first time I set foot in it since my mid-twenties so what...25 + years? 

My Aunt Rebecca died a couple of months ago. Her passing was unexpected by us, although to those around her I don't think it was. My aunt lived in the house after my grandmother, Bigmama, died. My father took care of her in the best way he could, which was allowing her to stay in the family home while he kept it up from afar. 

My aunt was at best, "a little nutty". At worst, and likely more legitimate, she was extremely mentally ill. She thought people were out to get her, to hurt her or her dogs, or to steal from her. Because of this, she refused to allow workers in the house to fix things, and in spite of the thousands of dollars and hours of mental work my dad did over the years trying to keep the house in good condition, it has evidently ended up looking a bit like Grey Gardens. With ceilings caving in from unfixed leaks, and large dogs allowed to roam the house coupled with her own failing health, it is I'm told, in terrible shape. 

A month or so ago, Elise took our mom down to see it. She walked through it on facetime with me, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss. It really is in terrible shape. If I didn't know better Id say it looks a bit like squatters had been living in it.

That last time we were all there was when Bigmama died. It was in its best shape possible for that time. Still without central AC, my mom and dad made sure if something was broken, it got fixed. Bigmama being gone changed all that. Well, it changed the easy part, allowing people in to fix things stopped when she was gone. Allowing US in also stopped.

Years would go by, and each time we passed it going to the beach I would wonder what it looked like inside. My memories of this place run deep. It was, to me, our real home. We never actually lived there, but since we moved so much with dad in the army, we stayed there during the summer often. 

That was the routine. Move to a place for however long, a year, 2, the longest Alaska at 3. School ends, sell the house, pack it all up, go to the Big House and spend the summer with our cousins, swimming at Aunt Buddies pool down the street. Meanwhile dad would go ahead of us, find a house in a good school district, and then come get us when it was time. 

I remember so much about that place. Not always good memories but very consistent. Beth was the oldest so she was "in charge" which Bigmama went to work at the courthouse. It was a part time job but I could tell it was important to her. 

While she was at work, Beth would sequester herself into "The Purple Room" upstairs and read, while Elise, my cousin John and I would play. John and I were pretty close. We also used to pal around with my cousin TK, who lived next door. AT some point mid morning-ish we would all get ready for the pool. In my mind it seemed like a really long, hot walk to Aunt Buddies house, but well worth it. She was a happy woman that loved having us around, and their great big "movie star" type pool was my favorite place. 

Well, FAST FORWARD TO 2024- I never finished that post. We went , it was in horrible shape, and we busted ass cleaning and throwing things away for 2 days. I took some photos, then we left and I have not been back since. Elise went back several times wrapping things up to get ready to sell, and as of this wee (FEBRUARY 6 2024) its now finally on the market.  

I cred about it a lot. Memories of days long ago. Some good, some not so good. Bigger than that its just another part of my small family's roots that are being, well, ripped up. 

 

Moist January

 Every year I write about the horrors of the past year and the goals of the new one. Thankfully I dont have a lot of horrible to post about, and I think instead of writing about the goals that are always the same, I'll stay in the present and just get around the days as they come. 

Its the official start of making the changes...again. This time I'm including my mom, and Ray. We all have to do our part in helping each other get healthy so for my part, I am striving to stay in a positive head space, and also helping out mom with starting a food diary and a regular exercise routine. Something I need to do for myself as well, but that will be easier to do in this house with another person. We eat what I buy and cook so that part is on me. I did ask her to please stop buying thing that are tempting to me, but for this week or so, instead of food restrictions, we are working with Accountability and Routine. I also am not trying for "dry January" as I know my mental block of restrictions just make me want things worse so I'll say a "moist January" instead. Meaning a pretty decent cut back on the number of days of consumption and amount of consumption. 

Accountability: Just that. Be accountable for what you eat and drink. Document everything. 

Routine: Get one!! 

So today I am going to be getting an actual calendar started where I give myself daily tasks to do with work, exercise, and education. The goal being to make myself have a regular day like I used to have as in get up at 7, do the exercise, and set actual work hours where goals are expected to be met. 

Part of my routine will be keeping a gratefulness diary, which naturally I will put in here. 

Today I am grateful for having this new positive mindset.

I am grateful that mom is on board with our new "routine"

I am grateful that my body seems to be in good enough shape to exercise without pain.

I am grateful that I have support from so many directions. 

Ray is having a bad start to the year, waking up to more trouble with a family car, and I think he's really worried about money. I have offered mental support, which is the only thing I can really do. I know he has been depressed recently, and we talked about him going back to therapy with a new person. He is on board, so I will gently encourage that as well. 

No matter what is going on with him, I have to remind myself- "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!"

So that's what I'm doing. I'm off to exercise. I'm not creating lofty goals. For now, just walking into the gym and getting on the elliptical for 20-30 minutes is enough for me. If I do more, great. I will also not wait for Ray to join me. That's a battle I cant fight for him. He will get there, I just think he's going through a rough spot at the moment. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for him. 

Until then! 

  

New Years Eve 2022 - The Winds of Change

 Where does the time go?

The last thing I wrote about this year was how I was leaving to travel by myself to see Gwenn in Florida. I was single, and still being pursued by R, but annoyed and disheartened by the whole thing. I had started to date someone else, and attempting to get into a healthier routine, but being thwarted at every turn with back issues. My sister Beth had been forced to come clean about her very serious and life threatening liver condition, and was finally on the way to being on the transplant list. And my business, well it was still struggling, but I had taken the time to research a good program to get my drone pilot license and was starting that path.

That was the end of April.

So what has being going on since then? A lot.

The number one thing that has happened is that Beth got a liver transplant on July 3^rd, and has since lost over 100lbs, and seems to be managing the life she had before without alcohol. AT least for now. John still drinks like a fish around her, and so do her old friends. None of which is supposed to be happening. We are all worried that she’s going to start drinking again, but the bottom line is, she’s an adult and free to make her own choices. All we can do is hope that she makes the right ones.

My personal relationship with her has gotten better though which I’m glad about. We have communicated more in the last couple of months than in the last 4 years since we found out that she has cirrhosis. When that happened I walked out of her life because I refused to watch her kill herself. The timing was right when I met and started dating R in 2019, so I think a lot of people assumed it was her dislike of him that drove us apart, but the truth is, I just couldn’t be around her anymore. The fact that we went to the Star Wars Fans Strike Back exhibit was proof to me that she does actually miss me and we’ve been talking pretty regularly ever since. This is in spite of the fact that R and I got back together. That’s the other “big” news for this year.

Yes, after all the hurting, crying, praying, cussing and worrying, I finally gave it another chance in May. The trip to Melbourne was actually what made me miss him the most, and while I was gone, I finally answered a text telling him if he wanted to talk to me he could pick me up at the airport and we could talk on the way back home.

The minute I saw him on the curb with flowers my heart hurt. When I hugged him it ached. I did miss him terribly, I was just so hurt and as I said before, disheartened about the whole situation. I was convinced that nothing would change if I let him back into my life, and that the things he’d been doing to get me back would all stop as soon as I was back in the fold.  I also thought that I needed to still be dating other people in general. After all, that’s how I got into that situation with R in the first place. He was never supposed to be “the one”. Also, after everything I found out I just didn’t trust him, period. Not to mention that everyone I knew was even more against us being together than ever. How hard was it going to be to open that can of worms again and dump it all over everyone? REAL FUCKING HARD.

I did fight it for a while. I continued to date the other guy and started talking to and seeing R in secret. I thought if I did it that way at least if it failed again no one would have to know and Id at least be spared that. Well, that lasted about a month. Maybe less. By Memorial weekend he was “outed” to my family and friends, and the objections were loud and clear. I didn’t blame anyone for feeling that way, and still don’t to those that still harbor bad feelings about him and I being together.

I have struggled with this for months though and it only recently became clear to me that I have spent an enormous amount of time in my life trying to please other people with my life choices. I have sought approval from my family and friends my whole life. In a way, I’ve trapped myself into an existence that has very little to do with what I want for myself. Not in every way, but in some very important ones.  

One big example of this that I think of is my cooking. I used to cook. I mean REALLY cook, and that was definitely my identity for a long time with people. Everyone thought I LOVED to cook, so I was always the one who did. The truth is, while I like making food that others enjoy, I’m not a huge fan of cooking itself. Its work. Hard work if you do it right. But that’s what I thought people wanted from me, or what made people like me, so that’s what I did. I was praised for it and that felt good, but inside there was so much more that I wanted to be liked for. Maybe people always did like me for other things, but that’s the way I felt about it, so one day I just stopped.

Years ago when I lost weight the first time around while still living with Beth and Robert, I stopped cooking the extravagant meals in order to help myself get away from food. It did not go over well. That was my first real experience with the change in how people thought of me without the Chef label attached. Oh I’m sure there were other things too that contributed to the demise of our relationship, but I know for sure that was a big one.

I don’t want to rehash years of this stuff. The bottom line is that things changed when the role people were used to me playing changed. Eventually as I regained weight back, I started cooking for people all over again. Then 11 years ago I had my big revolution of self, which I have repeatedly talked about now. Again, no need to rehash that. What we need is to move forward.

The existence I have carved out for myself is not all bad, it is in fact a great life. I have a wonderful loving family that is very supportive, and a small group of friend that are the same. It does seem like, however, that sometimes the support is limited to things they think are right for me. I know that sounds harsh, but it does feel that way sometimes.

You can’t change people. You can only be supportive and try to help where you think you can. The work of change has to come from within. R has made a huge effort to change from within, and although I think I am the only one who really sees it, I feel like his actions show it too.

Does he still give me flowers like he did when he was pursuing me? No, he doesn’t, but he’s attentive and giving in so any other ways, and I have just recently had a huge awakening to that.

Is our life perfect? No, but who’s is? Frankly I think we have it pretty damn good these days in so many areas, and I’ve been spending months of time now trying to prove that to people. It’s been hard and exhausting and I think I’m done trying to do that.

It’s funny to me, that I can share bad, hurtful things about him and no one questions it. But when I share the good things that have really changed, no one wants to hear it. Basically I think those that still think I’m making a mistake are unwilling to give him another chance, and I have been trying to open their eyes to no avail. You can’t change people. If they are unwilling to see what’s right in front of them I can’t change that any more than I can change R into whatever definition of a better man I or anyone else thinks he needs to be.

Did R seriously FUCK UP? Absolutely, and again, in spite of my trying to show how he’s changed, I really can’t blame anyone who is unwilling to see that either. Why? You can’t change people, and the sooner I stop trying to the better off we are all going to be.

My fear this whole time has been losing the few friends I have and alienating my family. Both of which I feel like would just kill my soul. But I can’t change them, and so I have to trust that they will put more trust in me. I walked away when I thought I needed to, and I am back in it now because I think it’s OK to be here again. In fact, it’s better than OK. I’m happier now with him that I ever have been. Sure we have had our difficulties. Some of which have been unfortunately played out right in front of other people, but we solve these things and move on.

So here I sit on New Year’s Eve, and guess what? My two dear friends Anne and Vic (who had a BEAUTIFUL wedding in October!) are coming up to hang out with us! That was news that filled my heart with complete joy! Because you see, in spite of letting go of the “need to change”, I still want to please people. It’s hard to break a life lone habit, and I guess I hope that them coming up is a sign that they are at least willing to be open to him being in my life again.

My hopes for the coming year are to let go of this need to please where it’s not necessary, and to nurture it where it makes thing bloom. I have such a small group of people that I really care about, and I am grateful they are still here in spite of their reservations, so it can only get better with time.

I say that with a cautiously optimistic feeling of hope that my life in the next year is going to get better, because I am going to make it better. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a real partner for better or worse, and I just have to remember it’s not always about MY better or worse.

I love Ray, and I’m glad to be spending this night with him, my mom, and those two wonderful people. It will be simple but fun and I know in my heart that when I look back on this post next year I am going to be smiling because I have made a good decision and am sticking with it in spite of any fears and that evil need to please! Fear is another whole subject that I am going to have to deal with this year as well. And I plan to be writing again and getting those fears out of me, like the poison they are.

I really did have much more to say tonight, but the hour is late and my peeps will be here soon. Maybe I’ll rehash some things in the next post, or maybe I’ll just let it go!

So Happy New Year! It’s been an interesting one to say the least. Who would have thought after starting off so badly that it would be ending in a way that I did not imagine at all. Life is so strange that way don’t ya think?

Time Flys When You’re Having Fun!

 It’s been a month since my last post. A strange month, but a good one I suppose for the most part.

When I last wrote I was just beginning to feel the separation between R and me. Now it feels very real, and the actual relationship feels very far away. He has not stopped trying to contact me. He has sent me flowers multiple times, and I unblocked him a week ago just to see if he was still calling me, and he is. 

I’ve listened to his voicemails and it doesn’t even sound like him. He sounds robotic and rehearsed. Saying things like “baby”, which he never ever called me when we were together. He’s still hyper focused on the one thing that really doesn’t matter to me. Well, that’s not true entirely. It does matter to me that he cheated on me and lied to me at the end. He is still missing the point though. The real issues were far beyond that and the fact that he doesn’t see that tells me that I made the right decision. Not that I need a reminder, but recent events have made me miss being with him again. Not to the point that I would consider getting back together, just more making me think about what might have been had he been capable of the level of affection and care that I need in a partner. 

What events have made me look back at what I had? I met someone. It was actually the day that I last posted, and since then it feels like a small whirlwind of dates and getting my head around a new person. 

This new person is nice, sweet, very cute, and very affectionate. We have very intense physical chemistry. Something that has been absent from my life for so long I literally forgot what it felt like, until it hit me like a brick the first time he kissed me. Actually it hit me the first time he touched me, pre-kiss, and all he did was put his hand on the small of my back when he was opening a door for me. 

We have been taking things slowly. Partly because of my situation at home, and partly because I just want to do it right for once. The only other person I ever took this much time with before getting into sex was He Who Shall Not Be Named, and I considered him to be the love of my life for a very long time. I think now because of how it began. It was respectful and made me feel very special in a way I never had before. 

This is the way that the new guy makes me feel. It’s different of course than it was before because I’m also very cautious and guarded. I’ve been through a lot since that time in 2012, and even after declaring that I would never let anyone take advantage of me, or lie to me again, I seemed to end up with guys that did just that. My rules were set but not followed, until now.

There are issues of course. Nothing can be just right, and as irritating as that is, and possibly deal breaking in some cases, I’m going to see it through for a little while longer. It’s nice to have someone that thinks about you and considers your feelings and needs, and I want this experience. 

The issues that do exist are likely the reason I have been thinking about R, but those thoughts, even the good ones, are marked with the realization that he is incapable of being the person that I need in my life as a partner, no matter how hard he might try. It’s sad, and I feel sorry for him in a way, because I think he’s really going to have problems finding someone else that will be as understanding as I was with all of his issues. I don’t want him to end up alone and sad, but he’s not my responsibility, and I feel like behind those messages of love and anguish are lies, even if he’s just lying to himself. 

So yes, this month away from the blog has been good and bad. The only real bad is that I stopped going to the gym again after hurting my back…again…and it’s caused me to gain back a few of the almost 10 lbs I’ve worked very hard to shed. I’m not giving up though. 

It does make me realize how hard it is to break old bad habits and how easy it is to fall back into them given one little excuse. Not going to the gym doesn’t mean that I need to stay up late and snack. 

In any case, I’m trying and that is a good thing, I just have to be more disciplined than I have been recently. I had hoped to be down at least 10 lbs if not more by next week because ion May the 4th I’ll be flying to Melbourne to see Gwenn!

Yup, that’s right. I’m getting on an actual plane, by myself, and going to see my friend. The last time I was on a plane was on the way home from Washington in January of 2015 after burying dad at Arlington. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I’m worried about my dog begin left here with Elise and mom though. She seems so frail suddenly. Sometimes I think the move, and now R missing from her life has made her sad. She has a younger dog to compete with and it seems like she’s just not he old happy self much anymore. Elise is a good dog owner, but she’s blind to the fact that her dog can be dangerous with the little ones. He’s not aggressive or mean in any way, but when he’s startled, he reacts, and the last time he did that with Gabby he snapped at her face, just catching her on the eye lid. A vary scary moment. I’m afraid that she’s not going to pay enough attention to Gabby and that something horrible will happen while I’m gone. Losing my dog would kill my soul. She’s my heart. I know she will be gone one day but I hope that’s not for a very long time. Ok…I just cried. Enough.

I’m other news, Beth is still bad off, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She’s taken the steps necessary to have her hospital tests done and that is the last step before being reviewed by the transplant board. I still worry that she’s either drinking a little, or thinking about it. She has lied to me about a few things to do with her dr appointments and such, and one lie to the transplant people and it’s over. She was telling me the other day that she had been wondering just how they can legitimately test her for drinking if it’s typically out of your system in a few days with conventional tests. That made me think she was looking for ways to do it under the radar, or at the very least, that she will probably start again after she gets a new liver. Sadly that wouldn’t surprise me. 

I will see her Saturday as I am going to a wake for a friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t know him, but I do know her, very well. We have not spent a lot of time together in several years but I am so heart sick over her sudden loss. Anne Marie Peterson has seen a lot of tragedy in her life, and this one is so out of left field it’s crazy. Much like the death of her little sister several years ago. At any rate, I’ll be heading back to Decatur Saturday and will see all the people I used to be friends with and haven’t seen since the pandemic began. I’m not looking forward to it actually. It’s selfish of me, but it’s hard for me to go back there. I will do it for Anne Marie though, and later that evening I have a date with the new guy. He’s told me it’s going to be a special night so that I am looking forward to. It might end up being THE night. We will see. 

Life is funny. Sad mixed with happy. Anticipation of good mixed with loss. Frustration mixed with ultimate happiness.