End of the month

Well, the end of the month is upon me and I have not met my goal. perhaps my goal was unrealistic. I wanted to drop 21 lbs this month. I have lost 9 instead. I was on the way but I got derailed last week when I came down with a bad case of stomach flu, followed by a basic case of "Becky is depressed and hiding from the world syndrome", during which time I drank and ate everything bad in sight for 4 days.

I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.

I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".

I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!

In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!

So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.

I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!

So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.

Anyone want to take bets on how I do?

As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!

Good ME

Doing good. Treadmill this AM 45 minutes..sweated my ass off even though it was freezing in the house.
It snowed here yesterday. Didn't stick but it was enough to put the entire city in the "bread and milk panic".
Its so crazy!
Anyway, I'm inspired again. I'm not going to give myself the day off this weekend from working out. I think its better that way since I tend to fall off the wagon if I slack off even one day.
So yeah, Good for ME!

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Dragging but not dead

I managed to drag my butt out of bed this morning to work out, and it was great!
I always go back to thinking about why I slack off when it feels so damn good when I give it my all.
The road ahead is a long one full of obstacles, but I have a good sense of who I am these days and I will not fail myself.

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Bump in the road

Hit a bump in the road over the weekend. Actually I was very good until Sunday. I didn't exercise Sunday and drank with my sister Sunday evening, which made me stay up too late, and not work out Monday.
:(
I also ate badly Sunday.
No punishment, just a bump in the road, of which I know there will be many.
I didn't work out this morning either. Just couldn't manage to crawl out of bed, but I'm doing it this afternoon.
Have to get back on track. Im NOT quitting.


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Day 9

Day 9 and Ive dropped another 2 lbs overnight!
I thought for sure Id at least stay the same. I felt heavy on the scale this AM. I actually felt terrible all morning.
I feel OK now, and I'm glad I did my treadmill 45 minutes this morning.
My goal is to get to 1 hour in the morning by the end of the month.
I'm feeling GREAT!!

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Drop

I dropped 2 lbs last night somehow. I stayed the same weight Monday & Tuesday and I thought Id be over or the same this AM but nope, 2 lbs down so that makes 9 total since the Jan 1, 2008!
I know this is water weight, and I know it wont keep coming off like this, but its a nice thing to begin with. Hell I expect I might go back up again by next Monday, that's my usual MO, but I'm exercising every morning. Today I went to 40 minutes on the treadmill.
Ive decided that the morning exercise is really the best idea for me. At least get the treadmill out of the way, then I can do weights or something else at night. My goal is to work up to an hour on the mill in the morning.

I will walk my more than pudgy butt off one step at a time.

On the food front I have actually been doing OK I think. I have not been measuring because I hate doing that. It just pisses me off and makes me want to dive head first into a steaming pile of pizza topped with brownies!

I have been eating fish, vegetables, boiled egg whites and a little brown rice. Some fat free yogurt, and today I had fat free cottage cheese for lunch with a tuna salad I made.

I was cutting out all cheese but I decided yesterday at the grocery store I needed a change.
I made a tuna salad with fat free sour cream instead of my precious mayonnaise, which turned out pretty good, although lets face it there just is no substitute for mayo!
My lunch today was probably higher in calories than I have been eating so I need to be extra careful tonight.
Every morning when I weigh myself I hope if the scale hasn't gone down that at least it doesn't go up. I realize this might happen here and there but I'm doing everything I can to make it go the other direction.

I feel like this is my year. I feel so good about myself right now. I think my brush with possible death really did open my eyes to how much I really do love myself and my life, and how much I'm looking forward to being able to really LIVE!!


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Good, Bad & Ugly

Good:
Ive managed to stick to my new plan for 7 days now with only one slip up. I have also been working out every day accept one and Ive managed to drop 7 lbs in a week.

Bad:
I went out and had 2 drinks Saturday night after going to a shooting range with my parents Saturday during the day. 2 drinks, well I failed at the 20 day detox but I'm still OK with ME.

Ugly: I was sick on Sunday from something..possibly the drinks combined with this new medicine I started taking last week for insulin intolerance. I felt like crap all day and didn't work out that day.

I think I'm doing OK all things considered. I will not beat myself up, I will move forward and keep on track.

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