Weakness

Wow, what a weekend. I soooo did NOT stick to anything I wanted to. I didn't do any yard work, I had people over Saturday night and got very drunk on about 1000 martinis, and I ate like a piggy.
*oink!*
But for some reason I don't feel bad today. I mean I drank all weekend and ate and usually I feel like crap on Mondays for overindulging but I don't today.
I feel like I want to take a martini and a good book out on my deck and read while the sun bakes my pasty flesh.
I am going to try and be good this week though. I'm feeling frisky and I'm having a hard time concentrating.
Spring has sprung (finally!) and I'm feeling like I want to be outside but lazy about it. Like I cant wait to plunge my flabbiness into the pool this coming weekend. Ahh yes...the whale is going out to sea!!
Its funny. Ive been visiting BBW sites recently. Contemplating putting my profile up and seeing what happens.I see all these good looking men that say they prefer big women..I mean BIG women too, and I just cant understand it. I think its ugly and gross to look this way and I cant understand how people can have such high self images about their bodies.
I have a guy friend / ex-lover that loves big girls and used to get seriously miffed at me for not wanting him to touch me or see me in anything less than full on pants and long sleeved shirts.
He swears he loves my body the way it is and I just cringe at the idea.
I know they say you have to love yourself before anyone will love you so I'm putting it out there..
I LOVE MYSELF!! I love my personality, and I think I'm a pretty woman. I cant love the fat though. I wish I could.
My lovely lady lumps are just a bit too lumpy for my taste.
I'm trying though, because I really want to come to a place where I no longer care about the teenagers that giggle and stare when i walk into a room. Or the adults that watch me in the grocery store..waiting to see if I go for the fudge section, and seem surprised that I'm shopping in the fruit and veggie section.
The adults...peers even that watch me when i eat. Watch what i put in my mouth.
I hate all of that so much but i wish I could just let it go, because its got nothing to do with who I am.
I don't know, maybe food has always been such a huge ( no pun intended) part of my life I have a hard time A. letting it go and B. letting it go...wait I said that..
ok C. letting it go...
Hmmmmm I think I'm seeing a pattern here.......
I would like to formally divorce myself from the comfort of food!
I'm filing papers! Irreconcilable differences!
But we have to still co-exist, so maybe I will still have a food affair...just keep it on the down low.
I have no idea what I'm saying...I think I need a cracker....