1,088 days. That is how long I have been physically and mentally involved with Ray. Just shy of our 3 year anniversary. Even during our separation of 2 months in 2019 he was always in my head.
When I agreed to meet up with him on Tuesday my heart was aching and my head was foggy with memories and doubt. I was doubting myself, and doubting my decision to end things with him. We were supposed to meet at the park, and so I went there with my puppy and walked through a beautiful field all the while thinking and praying out loud to God to please help me know what to do.
The meeting was changed to the house when I got a call that a delivery was going to be made so I called him and told him to just come there because mom was not home.
I got back to the house before he arrived and was in the back yard when he suddenly came out through the back door. It was strange to me to see him again. I had not seen him in almost 5 weeks, and I was glad when he hugged me and wanted to give me a kiss. He even brought me a white rose.
My heart was torn because I felt very much like I needed to have this time away to make myself whole again, but I was also feeling like maybe this time he really would be different. Over the previous few days in spite of my request to have radio silence he had been texting me, asking....no, begging me to please reconsider, and during that one conversation we had on Friday, and then the last one on Tuesday before I met up with him, we got a lot of issues out and on the table.
All of that stuff was going through my head, and while I was walking alone before we saw each other I thought about the things that I wanted to talk with him about. I didn't want to be distracted by his loving words and apologies, so when he got here, in spite of the flower, and the hugs and the warm words promising change and his deep and everlasting love, I stuck to my course. At one point he sat next to me, holding my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. He told me he loved me so much and wanted to marry me one day. He promised that all the things we had talked about we could work on together. He said he wanted to be here for me through all the bad things that I am facing, and that he would work hard to make a life for us in this home.
Sounds great huh? I sure thought so, but even still, something in his eyes...I don't know...just didn't seem sincere. It was as if him saying this stuff was so unnatural to him he was a different person. He was fall of 2019 Ray. He was the Ray that made all those promises before and never kept them.
One of the things that has always bothered me was how he kept his phone so "secure". He was never far from it and never really wanted me to have my hands on it for very long. This always made me suspicious that he was hiding something, so while we were talking, I told him that, and he immediately proclaimed that from now on I could look at anything at any time. I said, "OK, let me see your phone." He said, "can we do it later?" "No, I want to see it now." I said.
He gave it to me, and even as he handed it over deleted something in the hand off. I started looking, and it didn't take long to find what I had suspected all along. The first thing I saw was an email from match.com. I showed it to him and he claimed that it was an old account and he thought he had closed it.
The second thing I saw was a text conversation from the day before with a woman that he evidently had been seeing in 2019, and had never deleted. He was asking her if she wanted to meet for lunch. Now I was getting upset. He defended that by telling me that I said we were done, and even though that was true, I still didn't understand how he could just jump into seeing someone all the while telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
Then the real bomb dropped. I found a text stream with a woman that he had mentioned last fall. Eva. The sister in law of Larry, his buddy and band mate that lives near him. The very same Larry who has the football parties that Ray never wanted me to go to. Last fall I offered to drive over there to go with him to one and we got into an argument because he didn't want me to go. So much so that he said he wouldn't go at all which made me very upset because why would he rather not go at all than have me go with him? That very argument was part of what we had talked about, and he told me he acted that way just because he was being childish. I directly asked him about Eva too, and if he had slept with her, or had any kind of flirtation with her at all. He told me they were only friends and barely that.
Well, the texts I found proved otherwise. Even as I was scrolling through them I was asking him about the "hugs" and "Kisses" he was sending her and he said he was just trying to be nice. When I got to New Years Day I stopped. That day, as I wrote in a post about that horrible weekend, he got up claiming to be sick, but still hung around for a couple of hours. At one point on that day I walked into the sunroom where he was laying on the sofa and he was texting someone, but when I came in he put the phone down. It was her. The were making plans to see each other that day, and he was just hanging around here until they were set, then he left.
I lost my shit. We were sitting on the front steps and I told him he needed to leave now. He protested and I told him he was a liar and to GET THE FUCK OUT. Then...and I cant really believe it but it just proves how little this relationship actually meant to him...he wanted to go inside and "get the rest of his stuff". The man was more concerned with getting the pair of shoes that I had forgotten to pack up than what was happening. He continued to protest then switched to "I'm sorry I didn't mean to lie to you".
In spite of me telling him he could not come inside he did anyway and for a minute I really thought, 'oh my god, what is going to happen? What if he really is crazy and now I'm alone in this house with him.' He followed me upstairs, all he while begging my forgiveness and trying to weasel his way out of what I had caught him in. He kept telling me he never slept with her or anyone else, and that he loved me soooo much. He even got on his knees and grabbed my legs. I almost kicked him in the face but thought better of it. I screamed at him to get out of my house. He finally got up and followed me back outside, where he again tried to keep talking his way out of it. I wasn't having it. I told him I never wanted to see him again and never to contact me again.
Later I checked the Ring cameras and saw the exchange between us as he was finally leaving. Him trying to come back inside and me yelling NO at him and GET OUT. The last thing the camera caught was him exiting the garage, and as he was getting in his car, his voice totally changing to calm, with no sign of even being mildly upset, saying "oh well". Just like one would if you bought a lotto ticket, checked the numbers and saw that you had yet again lost, but no big deal.
I didn't cry about it until last night. In spite of my telling him to leave me alone he still has been emailing me, and in one from last night he admitted sleeping with Eva, all the wile trying to gaslight me into thinking it was somehow all caused by me making him feel so unloved and so insecure. I finally responded to that and ripped into him. I told him he disgusted me. I also told him that if he didn't leave me alone I would take all these emails where he is still telling me he loves me and that basically this Eva woman means nothing to him at all, and send them to his buddy, his buddy's wife and Eva herself as well as his entire family so they can all see what a piece of shit he really is. he sent a couple of similar responses then they stopped.
I was, and am furious about this. All the time wasted on what I sincerely thought might be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. All the money I spent on him. All the friendships and family stress being with him caused. All of it. It makes me sick.
Yesterday I joined a gym up the street. the same gym that I was at when my father died. I had decided that I needed this change before all this happened, and going there yesterday made me feel so good, only to read all that last night and end up feeling bad.
I woke up this morning sad and feeling very deflated. I had a bad day in general. I didn't get to the gym because of physical therapy, but I guess I need to give myself a break. Ill get there tomorrow.
When I came home from therapy and errands there was a box of flowers outside the garage door, from Ray of course. I got them in the house, unpacked them, and read the note.
"You are my heart - Love Ray"
I broke down. I didn't want to cry about this anymore, but suddenly in that moment I realized just how much he really had meant to me, and how much I really did love him. It also became clear that all of those precious moments that I had hoped to keep in my mind as fond memories were all lies and I could never trust that anything he told me was true.
When I started this break up process I sincerely struggled with it, and in the end had come to the conclusion that although we loved each other we just simply wanted different things in our lives. I had hoped to part ways and be able to be friends in time. All of that was shattered when I discovered just how much of a con artist he really is. A friend of mine was gracious enough to look him up this morning in state and county records and there is a laundry list of bad debt, evictions, and even an assault charge against him. He had told me about that, but his version was that it was his horrible abusive ex wife and that the charges had been false so they were dropped. What she found was that it was some guy named Craig that evidently he had had a fight with, and it was bad enough to go beyond the simple mistake he claimed it was. Also, she couldn't find any record of him having her removed from the house and a restraining order put on her. Finally, she couldn't find his divorce, which was supposed to have happened in January of 2020. He even showed me the papers that had been signed. I was left dumbfounded. I mean, who IS this man? Is he crazy? Is he dangerous? Or is he just a guy that had a really bad life and thought he saw a savior in me, but still wanted his old life too, and enjoyed the many benefits that came with being my boyfriend. It doesn't matter. All of it is bad, and he just doesn't seem to get it. I NEVER EVER want to see him again, but he just keeps on coming like he really has not done anything wrong enough to justify my anger.
Even in his emails to me, that I have now discovered are still coming in spite of my warning to stop, he still thinks we are meant to be together. I'm so tired of all of this. I want to wake up tomorrow and be happy again, so I will MAKE myself happy again. I'm going to go to the gym, and maybe when I come home and get cleaned up Ill go play pinball a while. Then Ill make a nice dinner for me and my mom. Sounds like a good day. Yeah there is a ton of actual work that I need to be doing so I can get my business rolling again, but right now I just want to do happy things tomorrow and start the work week on Monday.
Tomorrow needs to be DAY 1 of my new life. A life where I am happy with myself and my choices. A life that is healthy, and full of gratitude for all the wonderful things and people that I have in my life, and void of those that would take advantage of me and hurt me.
I will have to be strong. I will take any future emails from him and store them away without reading them, keeping them only in case he does something stupid. God I hope that will never happen. I hope he just eventually gets tired of waiting for me to respond and goes away. If he doesn't, well, Ill cross that bridge if I have to.
Its bed time and my mind and body are very tired. I'm so lucky that I have such a good support system in my friends and family. I am grateful. Yes, very grateful indeed. Day 1, here I come.
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