HEADACHE!!!!!

 My life feels like a big headache right now. 

I'm not getting things accomplished and I cant figure out why. Maybe I need to start planning my time daily like a job. I get up when I want to, but its usually no later than 8:00 AM, and even on days when its earlier than that it seems like by the time I get finished simply getting my morning routines done its after 10 or even 11 AM. Like right now, its after 11:00 Am and I have yet to do a single productive thing. 

*sigh*

I signed up for classes for my Unmanned pilots license the other day. Yesterday was supposed to be the big day of class beginnings and I didn't do anything all day because of a crazy headache. I get "Aura Migraines". I have gotten them since 2008-2009 ish. Seems like they come in waves during stressful times. I woke up with one yesterday and the headache that followed stayed with me all day. 

The same thing happened this morning. I literally opened my eyes to see the turbo flashing of the zig-zag patters blooming in my vision and now I have a dull headache. Much improved from yesterday but still. 

God I'm SO tired of feeling bad all the time. I feel so unhealthy and gross. Aimless, and wandering through time day after day. Repeating bad behaviors that make me feel worse instead of improving myself. 

I miss Ray. I hate to say it but I do. Or maybe I just miss having someone in my life all the time. Even when he was not here I knew he was there somewhere. A steady "date" for the weekend, and even if I didn't want him sexually, he was just company. This past Friday I was going to make myself go out and play pins, but was delayed leaving and by the time I got ready to leave it was after 5:00 PM so I took off my "street clothes" and hibernated in my sweats the rest of the weekend. Unacceptable. I have to do things by myself. Ray was my only company for a long time so its an adjustment for sure. 

I don't want him back though. I really just want to move on but its hard to do that when he keeps sending me stuff. He's been sending me emails stating the same stuff over and over again. I block one address, then he sends me stuff from some new address. Last night I started getting text messages from a new number. 

So far I think he's sent me mail from 3 different email addresses, one of which came from some new web address that leads nowhere. Now this new phone number. I mean seriously? Does he think that's helping me trust him? All its doing is showing me how sneaky he really is. How many places he hides. 

I just want my life back. I miss happiness. I know I'm in charge of that happiness so I have to make myself do better.

 I will go to the gym today, right now in fact, and when I come home I will start my reading for my license. I will go to bed early tonight and not indulge. Tomorrow will be a better day.