Time

 My grandmother, Menemy, used to say, "The days may crawl but the years fly by.." That could not be more true. 

Lately time has not been on my side. In one way, I feel like I've had too much time on my hands, trying to fill it with things that keep my mind and body occupied. I have turned the garden and gotten it all prepared for the spring plants. I have replaced the curtains in the upstairs den. I have gone to pick out stone for the possible new patio. I have trimmed the neighbors trees away from the fence. I have hiked, and walked, and on the occasion, gone to the gym. Some days are more productive than others, but it seems like even when I do accomplish something my mind is yelling at me for putting off the other really more important things. Then I feel like I'm failing, and it feels like I just don't have enough time. 

My choices day to day have been haphazard, mostly I think because I have no plan. I have PLEANTY that I need to be doing but I'm not motivated to do it. Its not that I don't want to do things, I like being busy, its just that when I wake up, the most routine thing I do daily is make breakfast, which depending on weather mom wants some too means my morning doesn't get started before 10:00 AM or later. After that I make choices, and lately those have been doing physical things rather than going to my office, sitting down, and actually working. I tell myself, "next week is going to be bad weather so Ill do the office stuff then." 

I feel the need to be outside when its sunny, or active when I need to be sitting at my desk, thereby blowing off the things that happen indoors, like studying for the UAC license. I paid $300 for a program and have yet to complete the first lesson. I have taxes to do. I have business cards to re-order. I have a marketing plan to start to get new business. I need to update my spreadsheet for 2022. I need to balance my checkbook. So many things to do and I'll go into the office, sit down, and somehow just get distracted. I find myself browsing the pinball machines for sale, or looking at other peoples lives on Facebook, or organizing the ever growing pile of papers on my desk, or writing in this blog. If I take a break and go upstairs its 30 minutes or longer before I get back because mom will stop me to look at something or do something or fix something, then suddenly its 4:00 and I feel like my day is coming to a close and its too late to start something else. Then its over and the next day begins and suddenly its the middle of March, and I'm still where I was 3 months ago. Nowhere. 

I also have been having a really hard time making myself go to the new gym. I feel SO awkward there. I just saw my second months payment hit my account and I don't think I've been 14 times. I had a good start, then faltered. I go to bed at night thinking, "tomorrow I'll get up, have a protein shake, wait 30 minutes then go to the gym." Then I get up, decide to have my routine breakfast (a delicious sandwich I make from an English muffin, turkey bacon, and a little light cream cheese, a yogurt, and fruit) then I'll make up my bed and dress to work out with every intention of going, but instead I let things get in the way, and suddenly its 4:00 again and I feel like its too late. I have a routine in place but its the wrong one. 

I used to be really good at managing my time. I definitely had a routine. Its always been necessary for me, which is why it really was amazing for me to actually be able to have a successful business finally since I have to make myself do all these things in a timely manner. Its funny when I think back on when it started to go off the rails I think back to 2019 when I met R. 

For a very long time...I mean decades, I have kept a calendar of my bills, and routinely sat down, managing when to pay things and balancing my books. Updating my P/L spreadsheet was added when I finally got a real business going. I worked on that thing for years building it from scratch and tweaking it so that at the end of each year I would have things added up in a summary page where I could see all my monthly earnings, expenses, and taxes. I was really proud of that actually. But in the spring of 2019 I remember distinctly suddenly realizing that I had not updated things in a couple of months. I got back on track some, but slowly over the rest of that year it got worse and worse. it was like my routines had changed because of my relationship, and I don't really know why. 

I guess part of it could have been because I was REALLY busy with work in 2019, and even though before I met R I had a social life, I did spend time every weekend doing paperwork. I also spent what free evenings I had doing it as well if I wasn't editing from the days shooting. At my busiest there were many days when I got up at 6:00, was at the gym by 7:00, leaving from there to shoot. Id get back home, do my editing, eating dinner usually while working at my desk, and a lot of times not finishing until after 10:00 PM. Them, happily exhausted Id go to bed and do it all over again the next day. 

Maybe the bad routine started before the relationship, just in a slower way. Like I wasn't going to my gym anymore in 2018 or 2019. In fact I think I stopped the gym altogether in the spring of 2015 after my second surgery. I couldn't afford my trainer anymore, and didn't like the gym she had moved to, plus I had everything at home that I needed so I started doing it there. Things were going well for a while, but that routine changed. I wasn't making time for the extras.  Sure I was working out at home, but had gone from doing cardio and weights regularly, to cardio only throwing weights in here and there but never really getting back to where I had been before. I cant remember exactly, but I think I was actually considering going back to the Wellness center at the beginning of 2019, then I met R, and just never got there. 

Nothing about this is his fault mind you. I guess I just had been so established in this routine that anything different in it messed it up. I know starting in 2016 I had more and more of my own paperwork to do because instead of being sent locations to shoot by Home Tour America, I had more of my own clients and that required doing orders, scheduling things by mapping them out, billing, and then keeping track of everything. By 2018 when I was really doing well I think my routines started slipping even more. I was doing my paperwork in the mornings so that extra 30 minutes that I needed in the "gym" wasn't happening. I don't think I really noticed it until 2019, and I know like every year I had the best of intentions to get it all back in order, it just never happened. Yes in the spring of 2020 it WAS happening again, FINALLY, and then POUF! Pandemic, and the last 2 years of completely fucked up shit. Now here we are. 

Time is precious. I know it now more than ever and still I find myself drifting. I feel lost up here. Its not that I don't want to be here, I do, its just I thought Id be doing it with someone else I guess, and more than that, I thought my life would basically be the same so it wouldn't be such a difficult adjustment. That being said, I am here so I have to get it together. Its like I need to plan to make a plan in order to actually have a plan!! UGH!

So what's stopping me? What is at the core of me being so scattered? Well, I think a few things and all of them have to do with bad habits as well as lack of self control and discipline. What's funny is the days I have had "work", I snap back into that old mindset. I go to bed early, I get up and work out, I go to my job, come home and edit etc.. Its the days that I'm not working, which have been the majority of my time here so far, that I get scattered. Its like I know that there is no time frame to follow so I don't plan, or if I do, I tell myself Ill do it in an hour, then that hour becomes two, then the day is over and it doesn't happen. 

Also, at the moment I am monumentally depressed. Like enough that I don't want to get out of bed sometimes. So many bad things are happening, not just in my own world but in the actual world itself. Russia has attacked Ukraine, and is trying to bait the US into starting the 3rd world war. Seriously. Its here. That time that I was so obsessed with as a kid is here. The possibility of actual nuclear war, not to mention chemical and cyber attacks is very real and very close. Vladimir Putin, Russia's president, is a crazy, narcissistic psychopath and I believe with everything in me that he doesn't care if he dies, or the whole world dies, so he really has nothing to lose. I believe he also thinks our sitting president is a joke, and doesn't have the balls to stand up to him so he's literally just bombarding this poor country. Men, women , children, animals. No one is safe or spared. His own people (not all of them obviously) don't even agree with what he's doing, not to mention the rest of the world with the exception of one great big country, China and THAT is where I REALLY get worried because China is lead by another crazy person that doesn't care about anyone or anything except power.

 
We as a country are issuing sanctions and such, but no military support yet. Meanwhile the rest of the free world watches and waits to see what "the West" will do, and I am left dumbfounded as to why the US is ALWYAS the one that is supposed to fix the rest of the world with no help from any other countries. I mean, isn't that what NATO is supposed to be about? Our own country is is terrible trouble. We are a divided nation and its only getting worse. I had hoped that when Covid started to decline (which is looks like it finally is) that the US would have some time to recover and get right within itself again, but it looks like Russia and China have decided to kick us and the rest of the world while were down. Typical bully. 

This kind of stuff used to keep me awake at night as a kid, literally. Now as an adult, watching it actually unfold it seems like a bad dream only you never wake up. If my own life was going better I think I could find a way to cope that was healthier than the choices I seem to be making, but its so messed up right now I'm reaching for every creature comfort I can get my hands on. Healthy or not. 

The latest mess that's finally coming to a head in my family is Beth. Last week she was hospitalized again for the fluid retention on her abdomen, and Elise, thank God, decided to go to the hospital and sit there until she got to see a Dr.. John was there too, and when they finally got to see a Liver Dr, (at the request specifically by Elise) John finally was yanked out of the bubble he has been in since she was diagnosed in 2019. He heard it from the Dr himself, and I know had to be so shocked because turns out, as suspected, Beth ha been lying to all of us for years about her Dr visits and how she's doing. In fact, she had told John after the January hospital stay, that the Dr thought she was going to recover but it would likely take about 6 months. So all this time he's been thinking she was OK. Or at least that she was going to be OK, when the truth is, she is as about as close to death as my dad was in 2014, which is unreal. Beth, John and Elise sat there and listened to this liver Dr tell them that she has one hope, and that's a liver transplant. Johns reaction was one of stupor, repeating over and over that he thought her numbers were improving and what about what the Dr said in January blah blah blah. Evidently the Dr was very blunt and I glad because it needed to happen. Beth would have died before she let any of us in on the reality of her condition, even her own husband. 

Now that the jig is up, I can only hope she remains transparent about what's happening with her, because she has zero chance if not. The Dr told Jon point blank he had to quit drinking immediately, and that they both had to start alcohol counseling if they had any hope of her even being considered for a transplant. Fortunately, in spite of his shock Johns light finally turned on and they are supposed to be starting this process next week. We are all hoping and praying that it will stick and that she will be eligible for a transplant. There are other factors that may make her ineligible, but we will have to cross that road when it happens. We, the rest of the family, are charged with being supportive, and of course, never drinking around them again. This is going to be life changing for them. All of their friends are heavy drinkers and while I think its possible to stay friends with people who are drinkers when you aren't, I'm not sure in this case that is going to happen. I am hoping and praying for the best  but I feel helpless too. I am having my own struggles in that area. 

After Beths episode in January I decided to go to my PCP Dr and ask for full blood work up of tests. I kept thinking about all the years of heavy drinking, on top of just being heavy in general, and thought there is no way I'm not at risk of this same thing too. Turned out Im ok after all, BUT, there are numbers that are higher than they were when they were taken in 2019, and the significant spike started in 2020. So yeah, Im OK now, but I definitely need to make changes to keep it that way because I don't want to end up in her shoes.

Beth is miserable. I think she thought she was just going to live her life the way she wanted to and one day she would just die in her sleep. That, unfortunately, is not how it works. She can only have a small amount of water (water ONLY) a day because her kidneys and liver are not filtering it so that plus the organs leaking fluids are causing the build up in her abdomen and legs, which right now is having to be drained off at the rate of about 6 liters at a time every 5 days. She's also restricted to 2mg of sodium per day...2 mg is less than occurs naturally in a egg so trying to manage that is going to be very hard given the fact that she also has to manage her Crones too. She also is struggling to work even though they have said they actually don't want here there because she's so ill, but if she stays home she's putting herself at risk to fail, although I really hope now that John knows what's really going on that the house is empty of alcohol now. Beyond that she cant do what she used to love, drink. If she could drink staying home all day would be just fine. She would plow through books drunk as a skunk. Now she says she doesn't even like reading anymore. Her favorite thing in the world are books, and because she associates drinking with reading its just not the same anymore. Its so sad. Its all so very sad. 

All of this sadness is so overwhelming to me I don't know where to turn. I feel isolated, scared, and unsure of myself. I get embarrassed at the gym so I'm really finding it hard to motivate myself to go, even though the work out makes me feel good afterwards. I still love playing pinball, but I feel foolish because I'm still so bad at it even after renting a machine for almost 3 months now. I want to get better at it and I feel like I'm just not. I had hoped that playing pinball would turn into a bigger social activity but that would require me to participate in regular REAL tournaments, and I am no where near good enough for that yet. I was even considering doing one that is happening tomorrow at Portal, just to go and be involved, but I am so scared to make a fool of myself I know I wont go. 

On top of that my money is running out and I have had exactly one job this year so far. The elbows being broken on top of my back issues have held me back from perusing things for fear of not being able to physically do them, and the drone idea is just that, an idea that is still simmering on the back burner. I just need something to go right and I realize that I am in charge of that, but it does feel like no matter what choices I make they are the wrong ones, or I chicken out of the right ones.  

I've thought a little about going back on line to meet new men, and then I look in the mirror and think...no way. I look like a fat old lady. 

I'm so lonely and even though I spent the majority of my life just like this it seems different now. I have had thoughts of R and how much I wish we could work it out again, but I know that's false hope and that R is a liar. He has continued to send me texts and even packages. I blocked him on my phone because the texts had finally turned to phone calls last Monday which I was rejecting, but I still am checking once a day to see if he's in my blocked calls. Its like I want him gone, but I miss seeing him at least try to contact me.  Yesterday I got tulips and a box with the clothes (well, some of them) that I mailed to him. The note in that box was hand written, and clearly in a hurry. It looked like a 5 year old wrote it and contained nothing new. 

I know I wont give in to R. I don't even like him anymore. I miss the part of us that was fun, which really boiled down to getting fucked up together on the weekends. Every other part was just a hassle. An expensive headache that never seemed to reward me with anything but more headache and grief. In spite of that I do still find myself missing him, or missing the presence of another human being in my life. My mom is here of course but its not the same. If we could at least watch the same movie together it might help, but there are only so many "feel good" movies out there that I can put up with. I think she's been happier with R gone, but I don't think she wants me to be alone. It will be hard to ever meet and date a new person in my situation I know. I made this choice though and I have to see it through. I mean I really do want this life, I just want to be working full time, making money and having a full life of friendships and hopefully a relationship that will fit in to this life. lately though it feels like time is running out. 

The world is spinning into what seems like its final turn and I sit here alone trying to have hope for a future that may not even exist. I know I should just try to focus on what good I do have and let go of the things I want to have. That feels like giving up though which also makes me fucking sad. I don't know what to do. Every day in spite of the list of things I have to do I find myself without direction. I am wandering in the dark crying out for help but there is none to be had. I am begging the universe to be kind to me and give me a push toward the path I need to take. I am praying to God to help me be at peace and enjoy what I have already, but work hard for the things I want. I am  constantly trying to convince myself to do better. Do better, get better. Do better, get better. That's how its supposed to work, but every day even the good ones, I just seem to run out of time and accomplish so little. I need time. Im not ready for the world to end. I want time to have a relationship and experience that in my life for real. I want time to really be successful. I want to build a life that I will look back on and be happy and grateful for all the wonderful times I had. 

Its not as if I were to die tomorrow that I cant say I had a good life. I have in many ways, but I have also lived my entire life feeling like something is missing in me, and I have put having a relationship, or just relationships with people in general, including friendships, at the top of the list of what is important to me. To be loved. To be well liked by my peers. To be respected in my business. To be happy.  

In spite of my sadness and depression I still have hope I will have this one day. I think, although more and more challenging the older I get, its still possible for me. I just hope that the world will give me time.