Make Your Garden Beautiful

 I feel pretty good today. I went to bed early last night and Friday night as well. Depression? Maybe a part of it, but I feel a change inside me that is coming on with or without a conscience effort, and that is a good thing because that change is to be better. 

Yesterday I wrote a lot about misery and saddens. Maybe I needed to do that because I feel purged today in a way that I haven't felt in a while. Its strange because I write often enough about that kind of thing but for some reason I really feel it today. As if my worry over the things I need to change is almost too much, because I'm starting to naturally just do it. 

Sometimes I think that when I focus on a problem, it actually becomes a bigger problem instead of making it better. Its that thing, (and I know I have written about this over the years), that happens to me when I purposely set out to deny myself of something in particular all in the name of being better, only to end up wanting it more than usual. In my experience, doing this only makes whatever issue it is worse. Its as if the denial itself ignites something in my brain that triggers a need for that thing, even when I wouldn't usually want it. Sometimes I think giving myself permission to have it, even if its just by way of making it available if wanted, makes my decision not to have it easier. 

One of the "worries" I've had is my morning routine. I've fretted about getting it back to a place where I put the gym in the number 1 slot of priorities, and as stated in previous posts, my night before intentions have not been followed through the morning  90% of the time, usually because I choose to make breakfast, then sit at my desk and do this or that, then before I know it 2 hours have gone by etc. etc...

Todays revelation came to me this morning standing in the kitchen. Mom was off to church and I was alone. I started into my usual routine of gathering things to make breakfast, and in the middle of it I found myself thinking about what my life has been like for the past 3 years where most Sunday mornings were spent making breakfast for R and I. Even after moving up here Sunday was our alone time in the morning and I always wanted to make him breakfast. It was our routine, and 9 times out of 10 I don't even think I was hungry yet, I just did it anyway. 

In the midst of these thoughts I paused and literally said outload to myself, "Am I actually hungry?" The answer was "NO." so instead of making something to eat, I made some tea, and sat in a sunny spot in the den. I sipped my tea and read through some articles. The house was blissfully quiet, and I thought to myself, OK, this is what you need to be doing every time you get into that kitchen. Think it through, assess yourself, then make a decision. There is no right or wrong, its are you hungry or not. Simple. 

Then I realized as I was looking through my food log I had done the same thing on Friday and Saturday with meals, drinks, and snacks. Both nights before I  had a drink I asked myself do you really want a "drink", or do you just want some water because you are actually just thirsty? Are you really hungry for that snack? Are you still hungry? And both nights I notably drank much less and either didn't snack at all, or very little. Also, both nights when I would normally almost force myself to stay up late even when I'm tired just because its the weekend, when I was tired, I just went to bed. Today I can honestly say I notice the difference. In just 2 days of taking an extra few seconds to assess my real need or want for something, but not through complete denial, I have managed to do better.

I think that qualifies as a win, especially considering the funk I've been in. I'm glad I feel better today and I am going to try and pull that feeling through to tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

 Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to create a beautiful garden and I've come across a great big rock. I can see it having a place in landscape, but its not in the right spot. I try to move it in a hurry and it wont budge. I turn to find help and there is none, so I leave it there but it never look's right so I try moving it again. I shove it and pull at it. I scream at it and kick it to no avail. Then one day I figure out a way to roll it but even then, it is so hard I can only manage to move it a small amount a day, and some days it slides backwards. I give up, then I try again. and eventually I make progress. That's my life.  I'm moving a rock. Each day making a huge effort just to turn it over once if at all, but still getting it ever closer to the sunny spot garden where I want  it to live.