I'm feeling melancholy today. Its cold, rainy and very dark outside, matching my mood. Its been a good week in many important ways so I cant really understand why I cant seem to snap out of this funk today.
Ill start with the good.
I did well this week with exercise, today being day 5 in a row. I didn't go to the gym today so did elliptical at home, but I had decided yesterday that Fridays I would only be doing elliptical anyway, reserving the upper and lower body to Monday- Thursday. Fair enough I think. That combined with more mindful eating gave me a little bit of a win. I lost almost 3 pounds, and I'm determined to keep it off over the weekend.
I went to bed early all week and got up early even without the aid of an alarm with the exception of the 6:30 AM day, but even that day I was kind of on my way out of sleep when it went off. I feel like I have slept well too, which is really unusual for me in general, so that's another win.
I also had one job this week and even though it took hours beyond any reasonable time to edit them last night I was glad to have it. It felt good to be shooting again, and I have another lined up for Monday so that gives me something to look forward to as well.
I finally got to the GYN Dr yesterday too, and have set up an appointment in 2 weeks to check my innards for anything icky. I am sure I'm fine though so that isn't worrying me. I just want to get it over with since its been a hanging issue from late July. While I was on the slab, I decided to go ahead and get tested for any and all STDs that exist. Just to be sure that R, having cheated on me and me really not being sure when that started, didn't give me something. I guess the fact that our sex life in the end was nearly zero (my choice entirely) was a good thing, although he might say that's part of what drove him into another woman's bed, but I digress...
Beth had her first meeting this week about getting a liver transplant, and allowed Elise to participate, which again, thank God for Elise. So much information was passed to them, and in spite of Johns best efforts, I just don't think he's capable of handling this at all. The good part of this is just the fact that the process has started at all. We will hopefully know within a few weeks if she is legitimately eligible for a transplant, but I keep thinking that they wouldn't have even gone this far if she wasn't at all. Also, she finally admitted that being at home tempts her to drink so John finally emptied the house of booze. Finally. At any rate, its a big process and all of our lives are going to be affected one way or another.
We got a guy to come look at the house to paint it inside, so no more baby poo tan YAY!!! That really IS good news! Superficial yes, but I just hate looking at all this yellow. It makes me think of bile and dirt. Its funny too because there was a time when I had tan walls too..."Puma" to be exact! That and my Ox Blood Red wall in the dining room of my little house. I want my cool greys back. I think that will lighten my mood considerably. We also had another guy estimate some stone work out by the pool and grill areas. He came back with a number that's way too high so I don't know if that's going to happen, but hopefully we can do at least part of it.
Finally, I'm buying a pinball machine!! Its official. Is it more money than I can really afford to let go of right now? Yes. It is, but I don't care. I want something nice that's just for me and that's it. Pinball makes me happy, and there is not a lot that does that these days. Renting one doesn't make sense at $225 per month. Its an investment that will not lose its value as long as I take care of it, which I will.
That sounds a little like I'm trying to justify the purchase and maybe I am, but its my money and I'm tired of feeling like I'm under a microscope all the time. I cant even have a bad day without Elise asking if I need to see a fucking therapist. I know she means well and I appreciate it but for the love of god back the fuck off!!!
I guess now I'm transitioning into the BAD...
I'm hurting. I'm sad about R and Beth and the whole world. R is still calling me although since I've blocked him I only know about if if I unblock him long enough to check the history. I know he's sorry and I know he thinks he can fix it, but he cant. I will never be able to trust him again. He keeps telling me that I will have open access to all his things and while that's great, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I need to check his things.
There was a time, as I have repeatedly written, when I would have done anything to make it work between us, but I have to keep reminding myself that I was unhappy with the relationship well before the cheating was discovered, and I wanted out. Now that I have what I wanted there are lots of days that I feel empty inside and want to talk to him so badly I just have to cry. Especially with all the rest of the shit that's going on. I want to just forget abut everything that was wrong and take him back, but I wont. I cant. I haven't even had a chance to see what else is out there. Even if nothing is, I still want that chance, and I still want to work on myself, by myself, before that. I'm not ready to run after another dude, and I cant see myself ever going back on a dating site although in the end that may be my only real option to meet a new person. That thought just exhausts me, and further depresses me.
I guess that's at the heart of my bad feelings this week. I'm just sad, and lonely and I miss the part of R and me that was good, friendship or otherwise. I'm sad that he fucked it up and wouldn't do all the things he is claiming he will do now. Too little too late, and it literally makes my heart hurt. I feel like I don't have a best friend anymore. Yes I have friends and yes they care about me and of course they will be here for me in whatever capacity they can, its just not the same. I think I have realized I never really knew how that felt before R, and that's what I miss the most.
Ill survive it though, and hopefully not be so sad in time. I feel like the exercise, in spite of wanting to cry when I go to that gym, is helping my mind as well as my body and I will work hard to keep that going. It's the only thing that really makes me feel good inside these days. That and doing OK at pinball. Sounds silly I know but that's about all I have to work with.
I will end todays post with being grateful. I am indeed lucky and grateful to have the support and concern of my sister Elise even when it drives me crazy. I am grateful to have my friends that I know care about me. I am grateful for my mom , and for being able to be here for her at this time in our lives. I'm grateful for my pups, and for being in a beautiful home that mom is willing to let me change to my liking. I'm grateful for my pinball group because every week its the only day I know I'm going to have fun for a couple of hours win or lose. I'm grateful that the gym I go to is so close and has everything I need to get myself in shape safely. Finally, I'm grateful that Beth is on a path to fix herself, and that in spite of her still trying to spin things into her dream world, there is no more hiding.
Good-Bad-Grateful.
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