A Winning Perspective

 Everyone wants to "win" at something. Even the most non-competitive person feels good when they excel at something weather they want to admit it or not. 

For the longest time my wins came from weight loss. No matter what else I did in my life, if that was not going well, nothing else could happen. 

I had wins but looking back they were all overshadowed by my weight. Back in 2012, when I had the "click" that allowed me to keep going day after day to the gym, change my eating habits, and finally see real change in my body, I still didn't feel like a winner. 

After having skin removal surgery, while I felt better and certainly looked better, I think I was waiting for some magical feeling of winning. It never really came. 

Oh I had small victories, some of which were VERY satisfying. 

I recall one in particular, a few months after my first, and most drastic skin surgery. I was at The Corner Pub with Jennifer Harris/Hart when these 2 guys, Mark (who Jenn had dated years before this), and Jason (whos parents actually owned the house on Longshore before I bought it from them) came up the stairs and as soon as they saw us came over. 

Now, to understand this next part you need to know that historically hanging out with Jennifer meant every man within a 50 mile radius would come in flocks to be around her. Jennifer is a really beautiful woman. Tiny, thin, beautiful long thick blonde hair, great body. Plus she's a firecracker (appropriately her birthday is on July 4th!), so when  the guys came over and starting oohing and awing at ME, it took me a minute to realize what was happening. 

For the first time...and probably the only time since, these dudes were not just acknowledging me, they were all over me! Mark in particular was laying it on thick. 

Was I flattered, or happy, or even receptive to this attention? No, I wasn't. Why? Because before he started dating Jen, I had a crush on him, and he wouldn't give me the time of day. In fact, he sort of used me to get closer to Jen, which was something I recall feeling a bit heart sick over.

So I sat there, letting him flirt and try his best to get my attention. The attitude was huge, the confidence was massive. He KNEW he could have me, right? 

WRONG! After...oh...20 minutes or so of this going on, and him getting more and more into my personal space, I finally said, "Mark, let me set you straight on something, YOU are NEVER going to have THIS!" as I gestured to myself. 

Jason almost fell out of his chair laughing so hard. Jennifer spit her drink out and joined in, and Mark, well, that may have been the only time in his life up to that point that he had experienced that kind of rejection. 

At that moment I felt a kind of satisfaction that I had never felt before, and probably never since. A real WIN. But was it really a win, or was it more of a FUCK YOU? It depends on how you look it it.

After that I think a part of me expected more of that kind of WOW factor, but I didn't get it. People get used to you being a certain way, and when you change that dynamic, it makes them very uncomfortable. That goes for friends and family. Even if you don't mean to be hurtful, acknowledgments of ones success can sometimes come across as condescending, thereby taking the compliment part away from it.

Its the way we perceive things as individuals that gives us winning moments most of the time. 

The phrase, "Take the win" comes to mind, because that in itself is perspective. 

You can take the small steps and turn them into a win if you put into a certain perspective, and in doing so, change your heart, your mind and your life. 

I have lived in a negative world most of my life. My wins, or perceived wins have been hard earned and even harder to convince myself of most of the time. 

Its like pinball. The ladies league I stared with Meri P.  2-1/2 years ago seems like a win from the very beginning. Just getting new people to come was a big task, and one that I was very hesitant to take on.

 It pretty obvious that I'm not a very outgoing person, nor am I the first one to jump in to something. I have also never considered myself to be a leader in any way. This women's group though, this whole pinball thing actually, has sparked a fire in me that I honestly didn't know I even had. 

At first it was so hard to make myself even go to the meets, but since I started it, and was leading it with Meri, I HAD to go. Unlike back in Decatur, if I didn't feel like going to Belles and Chimes I just didn't go. Even then though, I loved the pinball part so much I found myself going, more than not.

 I didn't know anyone but MG, who introduced me to it but rarely came herself. The few ladies there that would speak to me were not very friendly save one, Tina. But I came anyway. that was 2018, the year I was in Mike D recovery. Well, men recovery, or maybe even Life recovery. So I went. I made myself go by myself. I guess that did make it a little easier to go up here in a way, but at the same time, I was jumping into something completely unknown, and being a LEADER. 

Meri over the last year or so has come to fewer and fewer meets, so her role has become more in the background, but I have blossomed into a full on BOSS! 

This is a definite win for me, perspective or not, and its something I have become very proud of. Its not about the acknowledgement that has come from leading this group recently, its from the feeling that I am really in charge and that I really did build this. I have poured everything I have into it, and I want to keep it going, so when things that rock the boat begin to happen it really upsets me, and I would like that to stop.

There is one person that seems to be rocking the boat, and while I would normally appreciate the offer of help, I do not want it from her. She doesn't want to help, she wants to take over, and its taking the WIN out of all of it for me. 

For a while now, I have been stewing over this person and their constant meddling, and I really need to just  let it go. She has wormed her way into the lives of the owners of the place we play once a week, one of which I really thought was my friend, and it is really starting to get to me. 

Its one thing to step up to help, its quite another to attempt a hostile takeover, especially when Bryan is so far up her ass he cant see straight or maybe its the other way around. Either way it has turned what used to be the best night of the week for me into something I often dread, especially if I personally don't do well. 

Last year before she joined us I was on a winning streak. I went from 15th or so in the state women's rankings to 1st an stayed there until July. I was not dethroned by her, but she was getting increasingly better, something I usually applaud in anyone that has joined the group, but with her, its just a bitter pill to swallow. 

I started not doing as well toward the end of the year as she started doing a lot better, often taking the win and leaving me far far down the list. It stinks to lose at something you love and really WANT to be good at. But its so much worse to be beaten by someone you really cant stand. 

I have been trying to keep it in perspective, but my brain has more times than not taken it to a place that's just unnecessary. A good example is our weekly Belles and Chimes meet last night.

On the way there I was thinking that I needed to stop with all the bitter feelings about this person, and told myself I HAD to let it go because the annoyance I was allowing in from her bad vibes was starting to take the joy out of this for me. Yes she's gotten good...REALLY good, but the fact is she's worked at it and that's the bottom line. Pinball is not something you can fake. You can either play or you cant. Yes there are always good and bad nights even for the experts, but there are skills to be learned and every machine has its story to tell. If you don't know that story you wont do as well, even if you can make  shots and keep the ball alive. So in the spirit of trying to let it go, I told myself I would NOT let her get to me, and I was not going to look at the scores all night just because I figured she would probably win anyway. 

My streak has  not been so good this year so far, and its my own fault. I'm not slowing down and giving things thought, AND I feel like part of that is her bad vibe that I have been letting in. 

I arrived right at 7:00 and was bombarded by her first thing. I was late (well on time) but of course shew had taken over. 

Instead of being irritated I took a breath and just took the control back. From that moment on, I was in a zone. I had already decided I was not going to drink anything which I never do, so that relaxing agent was not there. In spite of that, I was having a good night, and I was winning...a lot! 

At some point I realized we were not progressing as we normally do. Taking longer to finish rounds and even having to push people along, her especially, between rounds to get more in. 

The more rounds you get in, the better the point value is, especially for the top 3. 

I finally checked the standings and saw that I was leading but we were running out of time and 2 rounds away from where we really should have been. Then it occurred to me that this lady was actually causing delays on purpose because she, for once, was at the bottom of the pack. 

This nugget of negativity bloomed BIG, and as soon as it did, I felt that tightness in my stomach. This time however, instead of fostering it and getting myself upset, I let it go. 

Yes, I do think she was doing it on purpose because I was in 1st place, but the bottom line is, I had a choice to make. I could either take this win and enjoy it, even knowing it could have yielded more points, or let her take it away from me by sucking the joy out of all of it.

I chose the win, and I was smiling all the way home. 

Was it a huge victory? 

Yes and no. It depends on your perspective.  

In the pinball world it could have been better because of points, but from my perspective it was a HUGE YES because I had overcome that nasty negative vibe that just radiates from this person, and took my win. 

1st place and beyond!