Good:
Ive managed to stick to my new plan for 7 days now with only one slip up. I have also been working out every day accept one and Ive managed to drop 7 lbs in a week.
Bad:
I went out and had 2 drinks Saturday night after going to a shooting range with my parents Saturday during the day. 2 drinks, well I failed at the 20 day detox but I'm still OK with ME.
Ugly: I was sick on Sunday from something..possibly the drinks combined with this new medicine I started taking last week for insulin intolerance. I felt like crap all day and didn't work out that day.
I think I'm doing OK all things considered. I will not beat myself up, I will move forward and keep on track.
314
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Day 3
Yesterday I was so determined in the morning. By the afternoon my resolve was faltering. I got home and not only almost drank a glass of wine, but almost didn't work out again. But I didn't drink and I DID work out.
I had a thought yesterday afternoon during my anxiety too that the feeling I was getting could also be that I haven't smoked since Monday night. Nicotine withdrawal, even as minor as it would be for me, is still withdrawal.
When I walked in the door yesterday evening I was hungry, tired, and cranky. I wanted to get a glass of wine, plop down in front of the TV and eat cheese and crackers.
I don't have cheese or crackers in my house anymore so that was out. The wine, well yes its still there but I put on my sweats and got on the treadmill and within 5 minutes the feeling was gone. It was thankfully replaced by a good feeling that stayed with me the rest of the night.
I will say getting through the 30 minutes on the treadmill was a bitch. A buggery stinking bitch! I was calling to God for strength 15 minutes into it.
Then I realized I didn't have my headphones on and that at the gym the time goes by so much faster with music.
So this morning when I got up to boogie on the treadmill I was sure to get the trusty Ipod. It helped. Not only that I pushed myself harder than I had yesterday.
So here I am on day 3. Its Friday and normally I would be getting out of work at about 2:00, Id go the the grocery store, stocking up on beer and snacks for the weekend.
I used to stock pile food in my house like I was waiting for a nuclear winter. I'm no longer going to do that.
I would also normally be meeting my sister after she got off work at a bar for a few drinks. (This is obviously not going to happen either.)
Sometimes Id just stick home though, cracking the first frosty brew at about 4:00 or 5:00, drinking and snacking until I got sleepy, which depending on my sleep level for the week could be anywhere between 11:00PM and 3:00 Am.
Tonight I wont be doing any of that.
I'm a creature of habit in so many ways and I'm going to break them all. No, I'm not GOING to break them I AM breaking them.
For example, my car is in the shop today..all day..maybe until 6PM. Normally Id never put it in on a Friday because that would interfere with my routine.
When the buggy gets released, weather it be this afternoon or tonight, I'm going to go shopping at the Farmers Market. Yes, even if its at 6:00 PM. This is something Id NEVER do before. My routine would allow that.
Also, because I'm not drinking, and I'm eating healthier I'm going to buy myself something fancy, ( but healthy) for dinner this weekend.
Fresh fish. Maybe lobster or crab? Sea Bass, meaty and delicious at $16.00 a pound! Fresh asparagus, mushrooms, maybe some leeks. maybe try some fennel roasted with carrots and beets?
I'm making an effort to use my culinary skills for good, not evil!
Usually to work out I have to run straight to the gym, or in this case straight home or I wont do it. Its like my mind has a time clock and if its past 5:00 I feel like its too late to start. I mean come on ...30 minutes here...ridiculous, right?
So after the market, no matter what time it is, I'm coming home and getting on the treadmill for my second session of the day. NO MATTER WHAT!!
Then I'll make myself a meal of some sort, even though eating late is a bad idea its better than drinking and not exercising so I'm giving myself a pass on this one.
Then bed. Early, on a Friday. Yep.
Not a bad night.
Pray I can stick to my guns.
First thing I need to do after getting off that treadmill tonight is get all the leftover beer and wine out of my house. I purged my pantry and fridge but I didn't throw away the alcohol. I just couldn't bring myself to pitch 50$ worth of beer and 40$ worth of wine. I'm loading it all up in my truck tonight and taking it to my parents house tomorrow to store in the basement until I'm ready to have it back.
Oh sure I can always go to the store to buy more, but I wont. I will NOT.
I know its strange to think that a bad habit can have such a hold on a person and not be alcoholism, and I'm sure some scoffers out there would disagree and say YEP, Check her in to Betty Ford!! I don't think its physical. I think its mental. Bad habits..any habits, usually are.
I hear it takes 3 weeks to break or establish a habit.
We'll see.
GOD HELP ME BE STRONG!!!
I had a thought yesterday afternoon during my anxiety too that the feeling I was getting could also be that I haven't smoked since Monday night. Nicotine withdrawal, even as minor as it would be for me, is still withdrawal.
When I walked in the door yesterday evening I was hungry, tired, and cranky. I wanted to get a glass of wine, plop down in front of the TV and eat cheese and crackers.
I don't have cheese or crackers in my house anymore so that was out. The wine, well yes its still there but I put on my sweats and got on the treadmill and within 5 minutes the feeling was gone. It was thankfully replaced by a good feeling that stayed with me the rest of the night.
I will say getting through the 30 minutes on the treadmill was a bitch. A buggery stinking bitch! I was calling to God for strength 15 minutes into it.
Then I realized I didn't have my headphones on and that at the gym the time goes by so much faster with music.
So this morning when I got up to boogie on the treadmill I was sure to get the trusty Ipod. It helped. Not only that I pushed myself harder than I had yesterday.
So here I am on day 3. Its Friday and normally I would be getting out of work at about 2:00, Id go the the grocery store, stocking up on beer and snacks for the weekend.
I used to stock pile food in my house like I was waiting for a nuclear winter. I'm no longer going to do that.
I would also normally be meeting my sister after she got off work at a bar for a few drinks. (This is obviously not going to happen either.)
Sometimes Id just stick home though, cracking the first frosty brew at about 4:00 or 5:00, drinking and snacking until I got sleepy, which depending on my sleep level for the week could be anywhere between 11:00PM and 3:00 Am.
Tonight I wont be doing any of that.
I'm a creature of habit in so many ways and I'm going to break them all. No, I'm not GOING to break them I AM breaking them.
For example, my car is in the shop today..all day..maybe until 6PM. Normally Id never put it in on a Friday because that would interfere with my routine.
When the buggy gets released, weather it be this afternoon or tonight, I'm going to go shopping at the Farmers Market. Yes, even if its at 6:00 PM. This is something Id NEVER do before. My routine would allow that.
Also, because I'm not drinking, and I'm eating healthier I'm going to buy myself something fancy, ( but healthy) for dinner this weekend.
Fresh fish. Maybe lobster or crab? Sea Bass, meaty and delicious at $16.00 a pound! Fresh asparagus, mushrooms, maybe some leeks. maybe try some fennel roasted with carrots and beets?
I'm making an effort to use my culinary skills for good, not evil!
Usually to work out I have to run straight to the gym, or in this case straight home or I wont do it. Its like my mind has a time clock and if its past 5:00 I feel like its too late to start. I mean come on ...30 minutes here...ridiculous, right?
So after the market, no matter what time it is, I'm coming home and getting on the treadmill for my second session of the day. NO MATTER WHAT!!
Then I'll make myself a meal of some sort, even though eating late is a bad idea its better than drinking and not exercising so I'm giving myself a pass on this one.
Then bed. Early, on a Friday. Yep.
Not a bad night.
Pray I can stick to my guns.
First thing I need to do after getting off that treadmill tonight is get all the leftover beer and wine out of my house. I purged my pantry and fridge but I didn't throw away the alcohol. I just couldn't bring myself to pitch 50$ worth of beer and 40$ worth of wine. I'm loading it all up in my truck tonight and taking it to my parents house tomorrow to store in the basement until I'm ready to have it back.
Oh sure I can always go to the store to buy more, but I wont. I will NOT.
I know its strange to think that a bad habit can have such a hold on a person and not be alcoholism, and I'm sure some scoffers out there would disagree and say YEP, Check her in to Betty Ford!! I don't think its physical. I think its mental. Bad habits..any habits, usually are.
I hear it takes 3 weeks to break or establish a habit.
We'll see.
GOD HELP ME BE STRONG!!!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Happy New Year
Haven't been here in a while.
December was a crazy month of parties, drinking, eating and boy hunting!
I had a few experiences that I will never forget, and one that has inspired me to get healthy and drop this weight.
Everyone I know ( well almost) is detoxing this month.
No drinking, eat healthy, quit smoking and exercise.
I'm on my second day and I feel great but I'm really in fear of Friday. Weekends are my thing for drinking and being lazy.
The point of all this for most is just to detox. My point is to prove to myself that I can go 20 days without alcohol.
Sure I go 4 or 5 days during the week no problem. Weekend comes though and it like the Jeanie is let out of the bottle.
Its just been a habit Ive kept up for so many years I think its going to be hard.
So I guess that means I have a mental addiction to alcohol?
I think I have an addictive personality anyway. Food for comfort..boredom...treat...reward. Alcohol for the same reasons.
I'm making some major changes this year. I wont call it a resolution because I never do those. January just happens to be a great time of year to do these kind of things. No more parties, its cold and nasty outside and everyone is just kind of burnt out.
One of the things I'm AM doing is to stop saying "I'm going to try.." its I'M DOING IT or nothing at all.
I'm not going to put myself down anymore. I'm not going to blush and feel uncomfortable the next time someone gives me a compliment. I am embracing myself as I am and learning to love ME, and loving myself that much means I will no longer treat myself so badly.
I discovered something a week or so ago. For a long time now I have had moments of real depression. Melt downs where I think, OK, this is it. I'm done with this life. God please let me die. Sometimes I have even whipped out my pistol and played with the thought of using it.
This happened to me recently again. I was overwrought with confusion, frustration, revulsion and grief. I took it out, cocked the trigger and pointed it at my skull.
Then I looked in the barrel. Square into that small dark hole that could end my life as I know it. I was suddenly really scared. I lowered the gun and went to uncock it thinking...OK lets just take a minute here...it wouldn't un-cock. It was stuck there, ready to fire with the slightest touch on the trigger.
I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I ended up putting it outside in my BBQ grill and the next morning I called my dad to come fix it. Turns out it was something I could have done myself but at the time I couldn't do anything but shake. I told my dad that Id pulled it out in fear of a burglar and cocked it accidentally. I was shaking even watching him fix it and I realized I think for the first time in my life something I haven't ever really thought about this deeply.
I really want to live.
I mean LIVE!! I have wandered through my life for almost 38 years in a haze of fear and self loathing. Buried in a body that holds me back and makes me hide from the light of the world.
Anyone who has ever been really fat knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That fear you get when you step out of your house every day. You could be going to the store, or the park, or just to work, but you feel them. Those people staring at you...judging you.
Well, I cant change them, but I can change me. And it NOT for them, its for ME and me alone.
I really want to travel to Ireland one day, and I really want to be able to wear shorts in the summer time.
I really want to wear just jeans and a t-shirt when its 100 degrees out and not have to layer myself with body suits that hold in the gooo.
Its a miserable way to live, and I refuse to waste one more day. I have time left that will be the best time of my life.
I cant look change what Ive missed out on in the past, but I can reflect on it and use it to inspire my future.
Cheers to me!!! ( with water..) and may this year bring us all what we desire!
So here it is, day 2 of my changes. I intend to keep writing about this as much as possible too. I know no one reads this but Id like to look back on it this time next year and see where I was. For now I have 4 months until the first swim day and that's enough time to make a dimple in my wobbly goo.
6 months until my 38th birthday.
8 months until the beach vacation.
12 months until another new year.
God be with me! Help me to make this change stick for LIFE!
321
December was a crazy month of parties, drinking, eating and boy hunting!
I had a few experiences that I will never forget, and one that has inspired me to get healthy and drop this weight.
Everyone I know ( well almost) is detoxing this month.
No drinking, eat healthy, quit smoking and exercise.
I'm on my second day and I feel great but I'm really in fear of Friday. Weekends are my thing for drinking and being lazy.
The point of all this for most is just to detox. My point is to prove to myself that I can go 20 days without alcohol.
Sure I go 4 or 5 days during the week no problem. Weekend comes though and it like the Jeanie is let out of the bottle.
Its just been a habit Ive kept up for so many years I think its going to be hard.
So I guess that means I have a mental addiction to alcohol?
I think I have an addictive personality anyway. Food for comfort..boredom...treat...reward. Alcohol for the same reasons.
I'm making some major changes this year. I wont call it a resolution because I never do those. January just happens to be a great time of year to do these kind of things. No more parties, its cold and nasty outside and everyone is just kind of burnt out.
One of the things I'm AM doing is to stop saying "I'm going to try.." its I'M DOING IT or nothing at all.
I'm not going to put myself down anymore. I'm not going to blush and feel uncomfortable the next time someone gives me a compliment. I am embracing myself as I am and learning to love ME, and loving myself that much means I will no longer treat myself so badly.
I discovered something a week or so ago. For a long time now I have had moments of real depression. Melt downs where I think, OK, this is it. I'm done with this life. God please let me die. Sometimes I have even whipped out my pistol and played with the thought of using it.
This happened to me recently again. I was overwrought with confusion, frustration, revulsion and grief. I took it out, cocked the trigger and pointed it at my skull.
Then I looked in the barrel. Square into that small dark hole that could end my life as I know it. I was suddenly really scared. I lowered the gun and went to uncock it thinking...OK lets just take a minute here...it wouldn't un-cock. It was stuck there, ready to fire with the slightest touch on the trigger.
I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I ended up putting it outside in my BBQ grill and the next morning I called my dad to come fix it. Turns out it was something I could have done myself but at the time I couldn't do anything but shake. I told my dad that Id pulled it out in fear of a burglar and cocked it accidentally. I was shaking even watching him fix it and I realized I think for the first time in my life something I haven't ever really thought about this deeply.
I really want to live.
I mean LIVE!! I have wandered through my life for almost 38 years in a haze of fear and self loathing. Buried in a body that holds me back and makes me hide from the light of the world.
Anyone who has ever been really fat knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That fear you get when you step out of your house every day. You could be going to the store, or the park, or just to work, but you feel them. Those people staring at you...judging you.
Well, I cant change them, but I can change me. And it NOT for them, its for ME and me alone.
I really want to travel to Ireland one day, and I really want to be able to wear shorts in the summer time.
I really want to wear just jeans and a t-shirt when its 100 degrees out and not have to layer myself with body suits that hold in the gooo.
Its a miserable way to live, and I refuse to waste one more day. I have time left that will be the best time of my life.
I cant look change what Ive missed out on in the past, but I can reflect on it and use it to inspire my future.
Cheers to me!!! ( with water..) and may this year bring us all what we desire!
So here it is, day 2 of my changes. I intend to keep writing about this as much as possible too. I know no one reads this but Id like to look back on it this time next year and see where I was. For now I have 4 months until the first swim day and that's enough time to make a dimple in my wobbly goo.
6 months until my 38th birthday.
8 months until the beach vacation.
12 months until another new year.
God be with me! Help me to make this change stick for LIFE!
321
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Holiday Blues
Every year about this time I run between being very happy and very sad. I'm happy to be with friends, family, my dog.
I'm happy for the time of year that's about more then gifts, ( thank God, since I'm broke!)but about being together and appreciating what we already are so blessed to have.
The down side is I get lonely. Everyone I know is a couple, or at least has people interested in them. The best I can say for myself consists of a number of brief encounters with men that never want to stick around for the real thing, or if they do, I cant stand them.
When I meet a guy that I really click with and am attracted to I pray to God to let me have it. Just once Lord, let me have it for real, like everyone else does. Don't I deserve to have the experience of a real relationship with a guy that I am both physically and mentally attracted to?
I also pray to not ave the desire anymore at all if I cant have it.
So far neither prayer has been answered.
My friend Andy says that I hide too much, and that deep down inside I really don't want someone to be close to me because Id have to reveal all that stuff that no one knows about.
I do have that "stuff", and I do like to be alone.
I stuff my face with food to comfort my lonely heart, and then regret it and resent myself for not having more self control.
January is coming again. Time for those resolutions. I never make resolutions, but I do sometimes try to alter some behaviors. Years ago when i had my one big weight loss it started in January. By March Id lost 30 lbs and was steadily on the way to a new me. Looking back on it the weight seemed to just melt off.
Yes, I starved myself, and yes i worked out like a crazy person possessed.
Am I making excuses for not trying by telling myself that I have to starve and be obsessed with the gym in order to achieve any kind of success? Sometimes I think I am.
Excuses are so much easier than sit ups.
I'm going to try and just let it go. I hate always pining away for something that I'm obviously not meant to have. I really REALLY want to just be happy. I want to not care about those things and just enjoy ME for ME and my time I have right now. I hate being the Queen of Misery.
My job stinks right now too. No prospects and the one I do have in in the crapper.
So that about covers it.
Happy Holidays.
I'm happy for the time of year that's about more then gifts, ( thank God, since I'm broke!)but about being together and appreciating what we already are so blessed to have.
The down side is I get lonely. Everyone I know is a couple, or at least has people interested in them. The best I can say for myself consists of a number of brief encounters with men that never want to stick around for the real thing, or if they do, I cant stand them.
When I meet a guy that I really click with and am attracted to I pray to God to let me have it. Just once Lord, let me have it for real, like everyone else does. Don't I deserve to have the experience of a real relationship with a guy that I am both physically and mentally attracted to?
I also pray to not ave the desire anymore at all if I cant have it.
So far neither prayer has been answered.
My friend Andy says that I hide too much, and that deep down inside I really don't want someone to be close to me because Id have to reveal all that stuff that no one knows about.
I do have that "stuff", and I do like to be alone.
I stuff my face with food to comfort my lonely heart, and then regret it and resent myself for not having more self control.
January is coming again. Time for those resolutions. I never make resolutions, but I do sometimes try to alter some behaviors. Years ago when i had my one big weight loss it started in January. By March Id lost 30 lbs and was steadily on the way to a new me. Looking back on it the weight seemed to just melt off.
Yes, I starved myself, and yes i worked out like a crazy person possessed.
Am I making excuses for not trying by telling myself that I have to starve and be obsessed with the gym in order to achieve any kind of success? Sometimes I think I am.
Excuses are so much easier than sit ups.
I'm going to try and just let it go. I hate always pining away for something that I'm obviously not meant to have. I really REALLY want to just be happy. I want to not care about those things and just enjoy ME for ME and my time I have right now. I hate being the Queen of Misery.
My job stinks right now too. No prospects and the one I do have in in the crapper.
So that about covers it.
Happy Holidays.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Trouble wears a baseball hat and carries a BIG STICK!!
Oh my....when I decide to dive into the shit I really dive in!
So not to get to personal, but I had something happen to me this past weekend that is making me weak in the knees.
I met a guy. Well no, that's not true, I actually met him 8 months ago but this weekend was the first time he paid any real attention to me.
From the first time i saw him last winter I was instantly attracted to him. His looks are right up my ally. Tall, nice body but not super skinny or too bulky, a few tattoos ( I saw these showing ever so slightly through his shirt), Gorgeous blue eyes, and the killer of all the Goa-tee and baseball hat look...ouch!!!
So he paid attention to me last winter once, and then i found out he had a girlfriend, but I have seen him throughout this year.
Recently they broke up, but I didn't think anything about it until this past weekend.
Friday: At the bar hes working. He starts talking to me and it goes well as usual.
Blah blah blah...a few hours later I'm leaving. I get in my car and all the sudden theres a knock on the window. Its him. Just a quick goodbye chat and I'm off.
Weird I thought...he could have asked me for my number then but he didn't, BUT I got the distinct impression that he was flirting with me.
Saturday: I go back to his bar to watch a football game. hes working, the bar is packed. Good time roll, blah blah blah. I got to leave, its early, barely getting dark out.
He stops me and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
FREEZE FRAME!! My whole body is getting hot and I'm shaking a little...Did he really just do that to ME???
So the conversation is like this:
Him: Your leaving already?
ME: yeah, I'm meeting some friends at their house to watch another game.
Him: Oh....( sad look and pause)
Me: So what are you doing after work?
Him: Ummm I don't know yet...why?
Me: Well, you could come join us to watch the game if you want To?
FREEZE FRAME!! I'm freaking out...I'm NEVER this bold...ok..ok...keep your cool....
Him: Sounds fun, let me get your number and I'll call you in a bit when i get off.
ME: (calmly gives number)
Him: Gotta get back to work, I'll call you in a bit.
ME: FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!
So I get to my friends house, we watch most of the game while hes texting me a few times. Wants to know who's over there that he knows, blah blah...I'm thinking, OK, hes checking out the situation to see if hes going to come.
I'm thinking that if theres someone there that he knows he wont come because he doesn't want anyone to know hes hanging out with me.
Time goes by...no show.. no show...games almost over....
He shows.
Now I'm beside myself with joy and NERVOUS as HELL!!
I was so nerved out! I haven't been this nervous about a guy since The Muffin.
BACKGROUND INFO:
OK this guy is a player, I know it and he rep has definitely proved it..but hes hot..I mean SMOKING HOT and I haven't had a hot guy paying me attention like this in YEARS...
So we hang out a little while at the friends house, I relax some. Its getting later and he suggests we take it to my house.
NERVES GO OFF!!!
I know what this means. He wants to have me, and truth be told I want to give it to him, BUT I like him...and I want to see him again, so I don't want to give it up. Not not yet.
So we go. I'm excited and so nervous I can hardly speak.
We get to my house.
Scene: Standing outside the door as I'm unlocking it, hes right behind me...I mean close and I feel him straighten out my collar, grazing my neck as his fingers dig into the jacket. Chills.....
We go in. I give him the 50 cent tour. We sit on the sofa. It begins....
The conversation is a good one. It goes over all kinds of things. Likes, dislikes. Past experiences, past loves, past sex. he shows me his tattoos, ( which of course requires the removal of his shirt...ouch!!!)
Then he blind sides me...
He ask me..."Becky...do you still want to know what its like to kiss me?"
( the night we first met when I found out he had a girlfriend I said "awwww, and I really wanted to know what it was like to kiss you too!"...and he remembered....)
I'm thinking...damn...this guys good...hes got his game down. RESIST!!!
Of course I kiss him.
There are fireworks! Bombs going off! Geysers gushing! Volcanoes erupting!!
I'll spare you the details of what comes next but I can assure you no explanation would do it justice.
I'm in trouble..and I know it. I haven't been kissed...or anything else...like this in YEARS.
I am immediately obsessed.
I cant stop thinking about him, and the thing is I feel like its not going to happen again. I feel like I know who this is. Ive been with him before and I know what hes like. He will call me, string me along, keep me hooked just enough to keep me for his plaything. and it will break me. Break my heart and mind like it did years ago.
I have come so far in the past 6 years since the Muffin and the others before him that had a hand in my dismal excuse for self esteem. I have no intention of going back there again, but good God...I know the second I hear from him..IF I ever hear from him again...I'll be there.
I'm a junkie when it comes to men like this. I'm addicted from the first hit.
God help me I want him so badly I can think of little else.
I will see him again for sure. he works where I hang out.
I will see him Friday after work as a matter of fact. I'm already nervous.
What will he do? Will he break my heart already or at least give me the string for a while?
Maybe the quick knife to the heart would be best.
I'm in trouble.
So not to get to personal, but I had something happen to me this past weekend that is making me weak in the knees.
I met a guy. Well no, that's not true, I actually met him 8 months ago but this weekend was the first time he paid any real attention to me.
From the first time i saw him last winter I was instantly attracted to him. His looks are right up my ally. Tall, nice body but not super skinny or too bulky, a few tattoos ( I saw these showing ever so slightly through his shirt), Gorgeous blue eyes, and the killer of all the Goa-tee and baseball hat look...ouch!!!
So he paid attention to me last winter once, and then i found out he had a girlfriend, but I have seen him throughout this year.
Recently they broke up, but I didn't think anything about it until this past weekend.
Friday: At the bar hes working. He starts talking to me and it goes well as usual.
Blah blah blah...a few hours later I'm leaving. I get in my car and all the sudden theres a knock on the window. Its him. Just a quick goodbye chat and I'm off.
Weird I thought...he could have asked me for my number then but he didn't, BUT I got the distinct impression that he was flirting with me.
Saturday: I go back to his bar to watch a football game. hes working, the bar is packed. Good time roll, blah blah blah. I got to leave, its early, barely getting dark out.
He stops me and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
FREEZE FRAME!! My whole body is getting hot and I'm shaking a little...Did he really just do that to ME???
So the conversation is like this:
Him: Your leaving already?
ME: yeah, I'm meeting some friends at their house to watch another game.
Him: Oh....( sad look and pause)
Me: So what are you doing after work?
Him: Ummm I don't know yet...why?
Me: Well, you could come join us to watch the game if you want To?
FREEZE FRAME!! I'm freaking out...I'm NEVER this bold...ok..ok...keep your cool....
Him: Sounds fun, let me get your number and I'll call you in a bit when i get off.
ME: (calmly gives number)
Him: Gotta get back to work, I'll call you in a bit.
ME: FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!
So I get to my friends house, we watch most of the game while hes texting me a few times. Wants to know who's over there that he knows, blah blah...I'm thinking, OK, hes checking out the situation to see if hes going to come.
I'm thinking that if theres someone there that he knows he wont come because he doesn't want anyone to know hes hanging out with me.
Time goes by...no show.. no show...games almost over....
He shows.
Now I'm beside myself with joy and NERVOUS as HELL!!
I was so nerved out! I haven't been this nervous about a guy since The Muffin.
BACKGROUND INFO:
OK this guy is a player, I know it and he rep has definitely proved it..but hes hot..I mean SMOKING HOT and I haven't had a hot guy paying me attention like this in YEARS...
So we hang out a little while at the friends house, I relax some. Its getting later and he suggests we take it to my house.
NERVES GO OFF!!!
I know what this means. He wants to have me, and truth be told I want to give it to him, BUT I like him...and I want to see him again, so I don't want to give it up. Not not yet.
So we go. I'm excited and so nervous I can hardly speak.
We get to my house.
Scene: Standing outside the door as I'm unlocking it, hes right behind me...I mean close and I feel him straighten out my collar, grazing my neck as his fingers dig into the jacket. Chills.....
We go in. I give him the 50 cent tour. We sit on the sofa. It begins....
The conversation is a good one. It goes over all kinds of things. Likes, dislikes. Past experiences, past loves, past sex. he shows me his tattoos, ( which of course requires the removal of his shirt...ouch!!!)
Then he blind sides me...
He ask me..."Becky...do you still want to know what its like to kiss me?"
( the night we first met when I found out he had a girlfriend I said "awwww, and I really wanted to know what it was like to kiss you too!"...and he remembered....)
I'm thinking...damn...this guys good...hes got his game down. RESIST!!!
Of course I kiss him.
There are fireworks! Bombs going off! Geysers gushing! Volcanoes erupting!!
I'll spare you the details of what comes next but I can assure you no explanation would do it justice.
I'm in trouble..and I know it. I haven't been kissed...or anything else...like this in YEARS.
I am immediately obsessed.
I cant stop thinking about him, and the thing is I feel like its not going to happen again. I feel like I know who this is. Ive been with him before and I know what hes like. He will call me, string me along, keep me hooked just enough to keep me for his plaything. and it will break me. Break my heart and mind like it did years ago.
I have come so far in the past 6 years since the Muffin and the others before him that had a hand in my dismal excuse for self esteem. I have no intention of going back there again, but good God...I know the second I hear from him..IF I ever hear from him again...I'll be there.
I'm a junkie when it comes to men like this. I'm addicted from the first hit.
God help me I want him so badly I can think of little else.
I will see him again for sure. he works where I hang out.
I will see him Friday after work as a matter of fact. I'm already nervous.
What will he do? Will he break my heart already or at least give me the string for a while?
Maybe the quick knife to the heart would be best.
I'm in trouble.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thankful
I ask you, what kind of sicko invented a holiday based on FOOD!
I know whats its supposed to be for, but lets face it, Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that basically is a big sign saying LETS EAT!!
And eat whatever you want!
Dive into that pumpkin pie!
Swim in that creamy gravy, after all, its covering the oh so healthy turkey!
Ham, stuffing, sweets of every kind. Oooh..it makes me ill just thinking of it. Also a little hungry...
Now in our family we actually do make an effort to make healthy choices for dinner.
Tomorrow I'm making a dish of stuffed acorn squash. The stuffing is made of wild mushrooms, dried cranberries and sauteed onion & garlic. Fresh sage and a TINY bit of wheat bread crumbs. Just enough to bind it together along with a few egg whites.
No butter, a tiny bit of olive oil to saute in, and that's it.
And its good.
Were also having steamed cauliflower and green beans. Cheese sauce optional..
The traditional dressing along side the turkey, which is smoked on the green egg ( yum!) and your standard cranberry sauce and yeast rolls...
OK, no joke..I am a yeast roll junkie...I feel like I could eat an entire pan of yeast rolls...maybe 2...
I'm also picking up Luscious Lemon bars and Fantastic Fudge brownies from our local sin shop, Southern Sweets.
So some good and some bad...and the yeast rolls are just EVIL!!
Its time to be thankful.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful family that supports me mentally and financially when necessary.
I am thankful that I have a nice house and the sweetest baby dog in the world to come home to!
I am thankful that I have a job, even with the hours being cut, that I like to go to, and that I can afford nice things ( shoes) and live very comfortably.
I am thankful that I have food to eat, all be it too much and the wrong foods a lot of the time, I know there are people out there, even in America, that will be going to be hungry tomorrow night on what should be their fullest day of the year.
I am thankful for my friends that I know will always be there to put things right and make memories with.
Finally, I'm thankful to just be alive. Alive, relatively healthy, and happy.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I know whats its supposed to be for, but lets face it, Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that basically is a big sign saying LETS EAT!!
And eat whatever you want!
Dive into that pumpkin pie!
Swim in that creamy gravy, after all, its covering the oh so healthy turkey!
Ham, stuffing, sweets of every kind. Oooh..it makes me ill just thinking of it. Also a little hungry...
Now in our family we actually do make an effort to make healthy choices for dinner.
Tomorrow I'm making a dish of stuffed acorn squash. The stuffing is made of wild mushrooms, dried cranberries and sauteed onion & garlic. Fresh sage and a TINY bit of wheat bread crumbs. Just enough to bind it together along with a few egg whites.
No butter, a tiny bit of olive oil to saute in, and that's it.
And its good.
Were also having steamed cauliflower and green beans. Cheese sauce optional..
The traditional dressing along side the turkey, which is smoked on the green egg ( yum!) and your standard cranberry sauce and yeast rolls...
OK, no joke..I am a yeast roll junkie...I feel like I could eat an entire pan of yeast rolls...maybe 2...
I'm also picking up Luscious Lemon bars and Fantastic Fudge brownies from our local sin shop, Southern Sweets.
So some good and some bad...and the yeast rolls are just EVIL!!
Its time to be thankful.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful family that supports me mentally and financially when necessary.
I am thankful that I have a nice house and the sweetest baby dog in the world to come home to!
I am thankful that I have a job, even with the hours being cut, that I like to go to, and that I can afford nice things ( shoes) and live very comfortably.
I am thankful that I have food to eat, all be it too much and the wrong foods a lot of the time, I know there are people out there, even in America, that will be going to be hungry tomorrow night on what should be their fullest day of the year.
I am thankful for my friends that I know will always be there to put things right and make memories with.
Finally, I'm thankful to just be alive. Alive, relatively healthy, and happy.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Catching up
Wow, its been a while.
Well my sister is OK. It turns out it wasn't colon cancer but Chrones Disease instead. After a horrible hospital stay which included and infection, then home again, another infection, and yet another hospital stay, she seems to be on the road to recovery.
One thing it did for me was get me talking to her again.
One thing it did for her was to put her priorities in place. Changes are in the wind for her and I'm glad. Life is so short and its such a shame to spend them in situations that make you unhappy.
As for me, well, I'm trucking along. My hours at work have been cut to 20 a week, which makes it difficult to make ends meet.
On a positive note, Ive started a personal Chef service for my parents which is making up for some of the money I'm losing as well as giving me experience in doing that kind of work. I'm hoping I can find a few more people that will pay for the service and turn it into a regular part time gig.
On the weight front there is no change. Ive again lost all motivation and drive to do anything.
I just don't know whats wrong with me but I sure do wish I could change it.
Wishing ain't getting!
I know...you have to DO or DO NOT!
Pfft!
Whatever.
I still wish.
Well my sister is OK. It turns out it wasn't colon cancer but Chrones Disease instead. After a horrible hospital stay which included and infection, then home again, another infection, and yet another hospital stay, she seems to be on the road to recovery.
One thing it did for me was get me talking to her again.
One thing it did for her was to put her priorities in place. Changes are in the wind for her and I'm glad. Life is so short and its such a shame to spend them in situations that make you unhappy.
As for me, well, I'm trucking along. My hours at work have been cut to 20 a week, which makes it difficult to make ends meet.
On a positive note, Ive started a personal Chef service for my parents which is making up for some of the money I'm losing as well as giving me experience in doing that kind of work. I'm hoping I can find a few more people that will pay for the service and turn it into a regular part time gig.
On the weight front there is no change. Ive again lost all motivation and drive to do anything.
I just don't know whats wrong with me but I sure do wish I could change it.
Wishing ain't getting!
I know...you have to DO or DO NOT!
Pfft!
Whatever.
I still wish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)