UGH! Im getting over the flu. I hate being sick and this one was a whopper! Im still coughing up little green slimy things....I know TMI!
The worst part is I was on a ROLL last week when this hit me and I havent exercised in a week now. Im going to try and make myself get on the treadmill after work today for a light session. I need it!
I seem to be more inspired to eat better and exercise in sipte of the bad news I recently recieved, which is a good thing. I just Have to get my ass out of bed in the morning! Its amazing how fast you can get out of that habit. ( much faster than you can get IN the habit for sure!)
I guess becasue Ive never been a morning person. I mean NEVER!
I know, you can train yourself to get up, blah blah, and I get it. Thats all true, but I still can stay up all night on the weekends much easier than I can claw my way out from under the covers at 5:30AM even with a good nights sleep.
So god help me I will be trolling away this afternoon, and with a litle luck tomorrow morning I will make the change back to getting up at that painful hour again.
LUCK TO ME!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
New Week New Attitude?
OK so I threw myself a pitty party last week, and now I feel better. Am I happy that I now know for sure that I will be fat forever and any weight loss I have will come with more hard work that a "normal" person and never be enough to be considered "normal"?
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.
Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.
I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.
Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.
Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.
Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.
OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.
Wish me luck.
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.
Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.
I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.
Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.
Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.
Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.
OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Bad News
So I just came from my endocrinologist and he finally told me what I've suspected all my life about my weight.
He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"
...Stunned silence....
I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."
Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.
I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.
Im not sure how I feel about it.
I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.
Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.
Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.
Kind of makes me cry.
All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.
He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!
I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.
How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...
Yeah, this a bad day.
He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"
...Stunned silence....
I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."
Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.
I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.
Im not sure how I feel about it.
I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.
Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.
Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.
Kind of makes me cry.
All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.
He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!
I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.
How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...
Yeah, this a bad day.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Super Sunday
Just got off the treadmill and feeling great!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
End of the month
Well, the end of the month is upon me and I have not met my goal. perhaps my goal was unrealistic. I wanted to drop 21 lbs this month. I have lost 9 instead. I was on the way but I got derailed last week when I came down with a bad case of stomach flu, followed by a basic case of "Becky is depressed and hiding from the world syndrome", during which time I drank and ate everything bad in sight for 4 days.
I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.
I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".
I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!
In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!
So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.
I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!
So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.
Anyone want to take bets on how I do?
As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!
I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.
I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".
I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!
In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!
So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.
I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!
So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.
Anyone want to take bets on how I do?
As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Good ME
Doing good. Treadmill this AM 45 minutes..sweated my ass off even though it was freezing in the house.
It snowed here yesterday. Didn't stick but it was enough to put the entire city in the "bread and milk panic".
Its so crazy!
Anyway, I'm inspired again. I'm not going to give myself the day off this weekend from working out. I think its better that way since I tend to fall off the wagon if I slack off even one day.
So yeah, Good for ME!
311
It snowed here yesterday. Didn't stick but it was enough to put the entire city in the "bread and milk panic".
Its so crazy!
Anyway, I'm inspired again. I'm not going to give myself the day off this weekend from working out. I think its better that way since I tend to fall off the wagon if I slack off even one day.
So yeah, Good for ME!
311
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Dragging but not dead
I managed to drag my butt out of bed this morning to work out, and it was great!
I always go back to thinking about why I slack off when it feels so damn good when I give it my all.
The road ahead is a long one full of obstacles, but I have a good sense of who I am these days and I will not fail myself.
312
I always go back to thinking about why I slack off when it feels so damn good when I give it my all.
The road ahead is a long one full of obstacles, but I have a good sense of who I am these days and I will not fail myself.
312
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