To John

Wow, what a vacation.
I had 2 firsts on vacation this year. One, I didn't gain an ass load of weight for the first time ever, and two, I went to funeral.
So yeah, I guess this vacation had its ups and downs.

My cousin, John Belk, died in a head on car crash in his home town of Opelika Alabama at the age of 40. He was a police officer, a husband and a father of two young boys.
His Jeep was hit head on by 2 drunk drivers who fled the scene. They say he died instantly.

So basically vacation was an emotional ride. We arrived Friday the 22nd to impending tropical storm Fay, and found out on Monday , quite by chance actually, that John was dead.
The funeral was Thursday, August 28th. There were hundreds of police officers there and probably 1000 people.
I never knew what a great person John really was.
We weren't close as adults you see.
As children we were thick as thieves. He was , in fact, my best friend for may years. We traveled a lot when I was young, and I never really was any good at making friends so every summer when we came back to Alabama for a visit I got to see my best friend. He came to see us in Texas once too.
I deeply regret not being closer to him as an adult. I always knew he was a good person, but I had no idea how many people thought of him in such a special way.
He will be missed by many.

Vacation time again

Well its that time of year again.
I don't think I'm going to sweat the weight thing until I get back. I'm stuck in a rut and I know myself well enough to realize that I'm not going to do anything about it until I get back.
Oh I'll exercise at the beach. Hell maybe that will even get me back into it again.
We'll see.
I'm so sick of beating myself up.
I'm taking a vacation from it all.

Disappointment

Disappointment.
He canceled. Well not exactly canceled. He said he wasn't sure because his sister and brother in law were coming into town blah blah blah. Like he didn't know this on Sunday. Needless to say I have once again erased his number and all signs of him.
Whatever....
So because of my disappointment combined with getting home a little late, I didn't work out.

Today, however, I have no excuse.
So we'll see.

I'm in a funk.
Men suck.

Itch

Every year at this time I get the vacation itch, although usually it is the week I'm leaving. This year its hit me a week early. Ive got 9 days ( including today) until I'm on the road to the beach and I'm already antsy and dont want to do anything.
I'm not concentrating at work, and I'm not sticking to any kind of exercise plan.
Ive been OK with eating for the most part, so I'm again wobbling at this cusp that Ive been sitting at for a year, but I just don't care right now.
OK that's not entirely true, I always care, and I really did want to be about 12 lbs lighter than I am right now by next Friday, and I probably could make that happen if I busted my ass, but every day when I go home I just look at the treadmill and sigh...then I pass it up.

Ironically last year I did work out at the beach, and I plan on dong it this year as well, however I realize it would be easier if I started NOW.

OK ok, I'm going to make a promise to myself to get on the treadmill when I get home, and to do it every day for the next 9 days until I leave.

Honestly, if I can pull that off it will be a miracle. I haven't worked out 9 days in a row in years. Hell I haven't made it 6 days in a row in years. 5 is really pushing it!

I CAN DO IT! I KNOW I CAN!!

Its not about being incapable of doing it of course, it all in the head. I wish hypnosis worked.

***sigh***

OK well I'll check back in tomorrow about that.

On another note, Juan is back in the picture...sort of. Hes been texting me again, and last Sunday we made a "date"..sort of...
Hes supposed to come over to hang out Friday night. Cook out, have drinks..blah blah blah...
If it happens..( I say if because I'm so thinking hes going to cancel) I'm going to be very happy because after all these years of us toying back and forth with each other ( among other things) this will be the first time we have met up on purpose, just the two of us.

The crazy thing is I'm so nervous!!! I mean this is a guy Ive known..*ahem* WELL...for probably at least 9 years now.
Now, its true, the time we have spent together has always involved large amounts of alcohol and very little chatting, so I actually don't know a whole lot about him. Not as much as you would think anyway.
And I'm pretty sure that he knows next to nothing about me.
Years ago he wanted to officially date me, he even said so just like that, but it was bad timing. ( I was in love with the Muffin at the time)
so Ive always wondered if I missed out on something with him. This time last year was when we began to talk again for the first time in a few years, and really, this past year with him has not gone as Id have liked. Very on and off...much more off than on.
I hope to be able to get past that starting Friday. I guess we will both figure that out pretty fast. If we have no more interest in each other than gettin' our freak on, I'm pretty sure we'll know in the first 30 minutes of hangin' out.
My hope is that after all this time I can be myself. Totally me. Funny and silly, and comfortable with him. We'll see.

Another week another pound

Up down up down, another week another pound!

So I ended the week with a good loss, then had a pizza fest Sunday night and I'm back up again.

It really is remarkable to me how little it takes for me to gain weight v.s. lose it.
Actually remarkable is not the correct word for it. Friggin frustrating is much better.

Again, I cant blame anyone but myself. Papa Johns did not come break down my door, tie me to a chair and force feed me pizza.

I wish I was one of those people that could have the pizza once in a while and not gain weight from it.
I'm not though, and the sooner I face that ugly no cheese eatin fact the better off I'll be. I just get so over it all sometimes.

Ive been dealing with this "issue" since I was 5 years old, and looks like I always will be. I know it could be worse, and I'm honestly not even upset about it as I write this.

I look back at the year or so Ive been writing this blog/purge and not a whole hell of a lot has changed for me.
I basically could have written about 5 entries and cut and pasted them over and over again because nothing has changed. I follow the same big fat circle again and again.
I guess I like the ride or Id get off teh train, right?
Right?

I wish I had an inspiration.
Wish wish wish!! nope...no starts out.

::sigh::

The Road to Hell

I was looking at my calender in the weight room this morning. The usual routine ya know. Get up, let out the pup to do her business, do MY business, then face the scale.
**sigh****
Back to that 2 pound area again.

I would like very much to cuss now please.....

MUTHER F*%^!#R!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, calmly, reasonably,(if not bitterly), I recognize this is completely my own doing..or undoing as it were.
The board this morning said it all. A bunch of blank spaces where there should be work out updates.

****sigh...again******

OK so last week I do have an excuse. My power was out for 2 days...no really, it was!
Then on the 4th day I was , well, tired from not sleeping in the sweat box Id been forced to endure from the power outage ( you think Id have lost a few pounds from that alone!)
so I went to bed super early without doing anything.

Then Friday came and I went out after work. Stress full week and I was in need of libations.
Saturday I got up early to go car shopping...and bought one by the way...
Saturday night I had people over, one of which stayed up with me until 6AM Sunday so needless to say Sunday was a total wash out as well.

So this week..*gulp*..no excuses.

Monday I usually always crap out. Tuesday, yesterday, I went out. I'm feeling depressed and most of the time when that happens I turn to going out instead of the healthy route, which any idiot, including ME, knows is the worst thing you can do.

OK so I'm alright today. A little tired, and I FEEL that my body NEEDS to sweat.
I can always tell when Ive been over doing things in the party department because I get what I like to refer to as the flop sweats.
I'm in the office, not wearing the usual heat stroke inducing girdle, and I go to clean up the office a bit.

Oh...My..GAWD!! I'm sweating like whore in church!!

Yeah, when I begin to sweat like this its my body SCREAMING at me to cleanse it. So my goal is to go home and do just that.
We'll see what happens. What was it they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

yeah...its getting hot in here....

Icky Factor

Well I haven't done anything still.
I spent the remainder of the week last week..and weekend..being bad.

I plan on doing treadmill today but truthfully I'm so uninspired and unmotivated.
The switch is off for some reason.

Frustrated with myself.

Blah!

A month from today we will be heading for the beach. Our yearly trip. looking back at last year at this time I was motivated. Going to the gym and trying to do the right thing. All temporary of course because though Ive gone up and down over the past year I pretty much weight exactly the same as I did this time last year. Oh the 20 lbs I lost is for real...see I gained that much between vacation time and the new year. After I came back from vacation I just kind of gave up for a while.

Oh hell, lets face it, Ive never been ON IT except for that one time years ago when I really did it.
Who cares if it was unhealthy. I still did it.
Id give anything to have that inner voice pushing me again. Willing me to work out like crazy and stay away from all those foods that I really should never tough again.

It was like a big tease, and now I just look back on it and cry.

This is a bad day.