New Years Eve 2020 (Written on 12/30/20 but not "published until 2/22/22)

 Just Damn.....

That was all I posted for New Years Eve of 2020. I had written something else entirely but because I was trying to save a very broken relationship I didn't post it. I did keep it though and found it today (2/22/22) and decided to post it retroactively. I should have done it then but I cant go back. Here it is. 

New Years Eve 2020 – or the night before anyway…

Lord where do I begin….

I'm glad that I have been writing throughout this year. So much has happened it would be impossible to get it all down in one post. I’ll start with me and R since that’s probably the most significant thing.

I should back up and start where I left off in September. That last post looked pretty positive, but it didn’t stay that way. By the end of October Id broken up with R only to regret it immediately and go back with him, only now it seems like he doesn’t care about doing anything to “move forward” with us or his own progress in his issues.

We’ve had a LOT of problems, Covid aside…which neither of us to date has gotten thank God, but his daughter got it….I am getting ahead of myself.

So yeah, I broke up with him. Again. Why? Well this time it was not an argument, it was simply getting back to those thoughts about the future and where we are on that page.

Apparently I'm on a page that’s in a totally different book from R, and honestly I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

The dispute came about because I was trying to talk to him about what he really wants in a partner or lifestyle. The reason behind this was I was really thinking about breaking it off, but I just didn’t want to lose him in general as friend, and I started seriously looking at our differences. Things that would not affect a friendship necessarily, but would make a relationship very hard at best.

Noting that this time last year (all through the fall after getting back together) he was doing and saying things differently, (As in, trying to make the effort to be social, to take photos of ourselves, to call me and text me daily, and most of all to be along for the holidays and family stuff, all of which has completely gone out the window.

I began trying to talk to him about this after the birthday party mess, but really just have been bringing it up here and there along the way up to that point of the break up.

Its not the things that we like about being together that are the problem. Its everything…and I mean EVERYTHING else. Sure when he walks through the door of my home (which I always refer to as “our” home just to make the point of letting him know that is the ultimate goal) I have things planned for him. For us. I'm always spending time, energy, and yes money making things nice for us, and even sitting here writing that knowing the things that have gone on between us in the last few months I get sad and frustrated inside.

Here is the biggest thing for me…I think anyway...and before I write it down I want to express that I really genuinely love this man, and would do anything I could to make things work, but the bottom line is, I think we might just be too different.

I also realize that I have said this before. To him, and myself. These last discussions that lead to the October break were centered on not trying to make it into an argument, but a logical discussion. For example, if I like A, B and C, and you DON’T like A, B and C, that doesn’t make me wrong or you wrong or a bad person, it just means were different.

I get “pick your battles” and “you seem to be mad at me an awful lot”, and let’s not forget, “your making this about you” in response to most of my topics that I try…tried… to bring up to him.

What things? So here’s where he makes me feel like I'm a superficial shallow person, and honestly he’s so good at it…that it almost feels like manipulation. I’ve had the discussion with him repeatedly about “what if we are just meant to be friends?” and he just gets upset. I end up feeling frustrated and selfish and just walking away from the topic until it comes up again. This year, because of Covid, a lot of things had to be different. The social part particularly, and I really think he has been happier in that space than ever. I am not though. I miss my friends, and I'm getting resentful of him because I feel the constant need to defend him and myself for being with him.

The bottom line is, no one likes him and he doesn’t give a shit...or says he doesn’t, and that’s part of the problem because I actually think he does. He’s just a really socially awkward person, and seems to bounce between talking about subjects in ways that make him look like a know-it-all, or getting defensive and acting like everyone else has the problem. I know…or think anyway, that this is due to his diagnosed “anxiety” and whatever else, but since he’s stopped all therapy and god knows if he’s even taking meds anymore, it’s just gone so far downhill I'm having a hard time seeing it getting better, and now it’s affecting MY relationships with people.

My siblings have tolerated outbursts and arguments from me and while not all of them have been completely my fault, I know I could have handled them better. I think my frustrations and the constant questioning of myself and my needs (as in am I really asking too much of him) is wearing me down, and I am no longer completely sure that I am NOT a self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed person.

 So let’s make a short list of things I really would like to have in a partner. In no particular order of importance.

1.       Stability – both financially and mentally.

2.       Strength – physical is nice, but mental is more.

3.       Loving – affection. Kissing, and ya know, the good stuff.

4.       Giving – not just with gifts or flowers but more with time.

5.       Deeds – not sure if that’s the right way to put it but like the way I automatically cook and clean and do things to make it “nice”, I’d like to think when the man I'm with sees my roof covered with leaves, or yard work stacking up, that he would just go do it without having to be asked.

6.       Sharing – sharing your family and friends with me equally as I do with him.

7.       Healthy lifestyle – Supportive of eating well and exercise. Participating in it actively but knowing when to back off.

8.       Communication – Actually if there is a #1 this is probably it. Phone calls and texts daily. Yes that’s what I like. Also, TALK TO ME. Problems cant be solved by shelving them.

9.       Fun stuff/ social aka lifestyle - being outside, swimming, going to the beach, having cook outs for with friends, actually HAVING friends. Taking photos of each other and building memories to look back on together.

So good bad or indifferent that’s the basics of what I would like to have in a partner, and hopefully bring these things to the table myself.

Do I?

1.       Stability – Yes I believe overall I am a very stable person. I manage my money well, even through a Pandemic, and while I know I have a lot to work on mental I am aware of it and want to tackle it.

2.       Strength – Physical...not the best these days but making a new commitment for 2021. Never EVER giving up. Mental, yes I feel like I am overall a mentally strong person, and this year has certainly tested it.

3.       Loving - Here’s where I KNOW I am ok.  I'm a very physically affectionate person.

4.       Giving – No brainer…I am a giver.

5.       Deeds -  yup, got that well covered.

6.       Sharing – check…

7.       Healthy Lifestyle – I'm supportive of it, and am constantly striving for it. Again, this has been a hard year in all aspects but I am totally aware of the areas that need work. No denial here.

8.       Communication – Here’s where I might be TOO much. I want and NEED communication so much that I often beat things into the ground, especially if I don’t get the answer I desire. I guess I think that if I talk about it long enough the other person will magically just transform into acting the way I want them to. That’s probably oversimplifying it but I am aware that sometimes I do indeed need to “pick my battles”, and when I choose to address something, be ready to listen more than talk.

9.       Fun Stuff/ Lifestyle – All the things I listed above are things I like myself, and while I realize not everything would be necessary for a successful life with someone, there are things that I really want out of my life, and as trivial as beach trips and cook outs might seem, I think I’d really be unhappy without them. Actually I KNOW I would because that’s where I am right now, and not just because of a Pandemic.

Looking at that list it doesn’t seem to scream “unreasonable”, but it does scream “not R”.

If I checked off the list the things he even slightly brought to the table I think I would have…man….partial check for effort on some. That’s not good. The thing is, I'm not saying it’s a bad thing to NOT want these things. It just makes our future look very bleak…impossible even.

I'm starting this on December 30, 2020. R is not here. He says he’s waiting for his Covid test to come back, but I am thinking he just doesn’t want to spend 4 nights with me. He’s been absent for all holidays this year. Making Covid the excuse, but I know better. After the fight at B& Js house all attempts to be around my family or friends have ceased unless it’s just my mom, with the exception of MG and even she has gone MIA since Labor Day weekend.

Everything has changed. Our latest fight came on Christmas Day. Id sent him a photo of him and Gabby the night before that I love, trying to show him how much I loved him, and his response was like a slap. To be fair he has told me he doesn’t like pictures, but as I told him, last year he was taking them of us, posting them on Facebook,  and seemingly happy to be in them. Now suddenly I'm supposed to know that he never ever wants to be in them and if he has to be he never wants to see them. So he ditched talking to me all day and my 11:30 PM I was upset and sent him a text telling him so.

I should also add that one of his daughters, (and this is another point of contention as he swore to me that they were all being responsible, but his idea of “communication” with them seems to be a thinly veiled fly by night of just getting the bare facts and assuming they will do the right thing) tested positive for Covid, so even though I already knew he was not coming for Christmas I did hope he’d show up and the timing was beautiful. I do believe him of course, but it’s no less frustrating not to mention scary seeing as how when I found out I said, “they do know you are around an 81 year old woman and me, right?”

Evidently they didn’t. Meaning once again I'm with someone who is totally hiding me from his family, or it feels that way anyway.

Back to Christmas Day/Night fight. It was stupid, and the next day I took a bunch of stuff Id baked as well as his gift to their house, without asking if it was OK. I just texted him when I was leaving saying I’d be there. He never responded, but was OK when I got there. Met me outside. We went for a walk and talked. (he was in a mask) He even sounded different. It was all very weird. It’s like I came too close to his world. Invaded it even.

The gesture I was making was to break the ice with his kids. I got no “thank you”, no “they liked it”…nothing. And during our walk I got lectured once again on making things about me.

I went home disappointed and thinking that all that hard work baking and such would have been appreciated far more by the friends I have sorely neglected all these months.

So now here we are, New Year’s eve is tomorrow and Im supposed to be spending it with him, here in my house in Decatur. The last one I’ll ever spend here. I made plans for different foods to make the next few days, and thought of ways to make our time here as special as I can, but I feel like Im making a lot of effort for someone that doesn’t appreciate it or even see it. It’s my last… LAST.. fucking New Years here and I just want it to be special.

That’s the other big news. I'm selling the house. It’s happening for sure this time.  

To be continued tomorrow  -

(added 2/22/22) I didn't continue it the next day. Instead I just posted "Just damn.." and went on. I can tell you though, my last New years Eve in Decatur sucked. Ray watched football pretty much all night, only hoisting his ass off the sofa to eat dinner. I cant even remember what I fixed for dinner but I think it was street tacos. Once again me trying to make something special that HE loved. I do remember one thing though. I remember that at some point I went out into the back yard...the very back where the fire pit was, and sat there looking at the lights of the house. I sat there for a long time alone, and said to myself I didn't want to go back inside to him. I also remember thinking out loud  that I didn't want to have another year with him like the last one and be in the same position I was in at that time, and guess what? Staying with him for another year put me right in that very place. I'm glad I saved this post. If I ever questioned breaking off with Ray all I need to do is look at this to know I did the right thing, and wish like hell Id done it then. 

Looking for a Smooth Road

 Sometimes I wonder weather I'm really picking on stuff that doesn't need to be picked on, or if I really have a good point in my worries. 

I've been really worried about my pending house sale and move to Moms house and have repeatedly expressed this to R ( lets just go with "R" from now on), but have not gotten much sympathy or feedback, which is more than frustrating. 

Tuesday before Labor Day Weekend I was having a conversation with R, and during it I got really upset. I was talking about the future, and basically wanted to know what his thoughts were on the subject as far as he and I go.

My concerns are that when I move, our relationship will suffer for many reasons, and I just needed (NEED) him to tell me how he feels about that, or if he's thinking about our future at all. 

When the response I got was more of a brush off ending in "I cant really think past today.." I got really upset. Yes I am a "planner" by nature, and I get that can be annoying to a non-planner type, but lets face it, at some point you HAVE to plan something for your future if only financially. 

Well, he hasn't, and evidently doesn't PLAN to! My response to this lack of care about us, or even just himself, really upset me, and I ended up saying something that he thought was insulting to his kids, when in fact I was actually nailing HIM. I told him that based on the way he has always described the way he raised his kids (who are all in their 20's except one whos going to be 18 in the spring) "like wolves" that I wouldn't count on them taking care of him when he gets old.

I get it, its his kids. His family, so it stung him and he reacted by basically not talking to me civilly for the next few days until finally we hashed it out. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of stability with him and the future and I'm having to fight for it at every turn. Its exhausting. 

This was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. He knows how much that weekend means to my family, and we were all going to be up at moms. Me for several days, and E and B&J just for one night. It was really important that he come to support ME especially given the fact that after the birthday fight at B&Js I have not been hanging out with them and have pretty much washed my hands of them and that whole group.  So when R said he was not coming, I was upset, but more just over it. I give up-gave up. Resigned to deal with the difficult weekend ahead and that R was just not going to be that person for me. No pool for him. No socializing. No being a part of these outdoor activities that I love so much. I even thought, "well, this is just the way its going to be. Were never going to do these type things together, and if you want to stay with him you either have to accept it or not be with him because its never going to change."

So Saturday came and as I prepped the grill late in the afternoon, just going through the motions of being happy, R showed up. Then I WAS happy. I was surprised and happy. But it gets better. I knew of course he wasn't going to participate in the pool so I didn't even try asking him to get in (even though is was hot as HELL that whole weekend). I didn't ask him to socialize with the couple of friends I had up or the family. ( it was a weird one...B&J showed but didn't stay the night, E didn't show up because of  a flat time, and I had MG and her daughter up) and after dinner was over and B&J had gone home, we were sitting outside and I wanted to night swim so I got in. MG and her daughter got in, and then....drum roll please...R GOT IN THE POOL! You could have knocked me out with a feather. It was so great. I cant even say how happy I was. 

Now I don't know if that's why the next few weekends we've spent together have been so good but they really have. Well, with one exception...I felt fat shamed last Friday night when he picked at me for getting snacks late at night for us. Actually it really REALLY upset me, but after talking to him about it the next day ( I was really quiet all night and the next day, and I know he knew something was wrong but didn't say anything about it) I know he was just doing what I told him I wanted to do, which is stop snacking so much. I knew it even when he said it, but it still hurt. I'm over it though because the truth is I DO need to NOT snack like that anymore, and now that he knows I don't react well to The Food Police, I think he will keep his feelings to himself, although now that I KNOW what they are, I probably just wont do it anymore in front of him, which I kind of hate, because it does take away some of the total comfort I had with him, but again, it really is for the best. 

All in all I just want to travel a smooth road for a while. The one I've been on for so long now has left me beat to hell, and I'm very tired. Much stress is ahead though as this week I am prepping my house to hopefully go up for sale in a couple of weeks at a decent price.

 Am I still uncertain about the move? Yes, but at this point with the pandemic sill raging on my work has suffered so much that even if I knew it was going to destroy R and I to move, I don't think I have much of a choice anymore. Another bump...

Making Up Is Hard To Do

 Well we made up. I really didn't think it was going to happen, and it did not come easily. 

I'm still not completely sure I really got the apology I deserved, but I think we decided to agree to disagree on a few points, and just addressed OUR stuff, which is all that's important anyway. 

I stayed up at moms last week. No work and my back was / is still bothering me anyway so I decided since I had a broken heart Id slob at the pool for the rest of the week. He texted me Wednesday asking ME if I was going to apologize. Long story short we talked extensively and It looks like we will be able to weather yet another storm. 

Hopefully this peace will last. 

August Sucks

 Well here I am again. 

August seems to be a bad month for me and Ray because were broken up again and it was literally almost to the day a year ago that we broke up the first time.

Actually I don’t even KNOW if were broken up but my best guess is that we are.

An argument that we had in February came back full circle in that at that time, I was very mad and told him to “get out”, which he couldn’t do in the middle of the night anyway, but the next day he told me that I couldn’t tell him to leave every time I felt that “fight or flight” thing that I’ve talked about before. I told him at that time that I knew I’d been wrong to say that and I would never say it again unless I really meant it.

Sunday morning, I meant it.

I still don’t understand how he came to the conclusions he did that lead to all this, but I haven’t talked to him since he walked out, and the whole reason I told him, “if you choose to leave now instead of talking about this I don’t think you should come back” was because of just that. We needed to talk it out and he refused. This time it was HIS fight or flight, only when I said that, I saw it in his eyes that it was over for him. Id hurt him, or stung him, or betrayed him in that way again and he was out the door.

Here’s the thing though, when someone you love is causing issues that don’t have to be there simply because they are trying to make a point, and there is NO talking to them about it because they WILL NOT see any point of view but their own, you DO want them to just get out. And stay out.

It still seems to be unreal to me, and I have my reservations about if it’s going to stick, but I think this time it will, if for no other reason than he’s going to say that I broke my promise. But I didn’t, because I meant it, and I knew when I said it that it might end us but I really didn’t see any other way.

So here I sit today, after packing up his things and setting them all on the dining room table, writing this down and trying to make sense of it.

We had a fight, because HE had a fight with another dude at a birthday gathering (social distancing in place and everyone outside) about politics. Before even going up there I specifically asked him NOT to talk about politics, knowing that his opinions are not popular with the folks that were going to be there, and it seemed that it was all going along fine…until it wasn’t.

When it happened, it was so fast my old fight or flight actually did come into play because my immediate response was to say, “OK were leaving”. He acted like it was all OK when it clearly wasn’t, so I got up and said “well Im leaving so come or not”. He did come of course, and honestly what I thought was a conversation about why he had to engage in that knowing the likely outcome, turned into him thinking I was defending this other guy, (NOT true, he’s just as guilty as Ray…they were BOTH being jerks…period), and not being supportive of him, which actually upset me more than pissed me off, and we went round and round. Me trying to be heard, him talking over me to the point that I just started to cry and said that he was just like my family, running over me and not letting me get out what I needed to say. (they do that a lot)

He went to bed, I stayed up and hour, and went in hoping that he’d cooled off and we could just let it go and talk about it in the morning, but I got the cold shoulder and he said he was mad at me. Then I got mad, and got up to go sleep in the den.

Why would I want to lay next to someone who was mad at me for no reason? But then I remembered I’d been nursing a bad back all week so I paused, and he said ”I’ll go sleep on the couch”, and I said “fine”. A response that he evidently took as me “throwing him out of the bedroom”, because that’s what he said as he was gathering his stuff at the first light of day.

“Are you LEAVING??” I asked.

“YEP” he said

“What?? Why???” I said, waking up and getting out of bed

“You threw me out of the bedroom AND you weren’t supporting me last night.” He snapped.

“WHAT??? I was supporting you by getting you OUT of there!” I said…voice getting a little louder, but never yelling.

In the den now…”I will NOT be yelled at” he said

“Im NOT yelling at you Ray, but sometimes it feels like I do need to raise my voice for you to hear me.”

“Yes you are..” he said, still gathering his stuff…”GO BACK TO BED”..

Then I said it. “Ray, I can’t believe you are leaving…. We need to talk about this…” (no response.) “I love you, and I think you leaving is a huge mistake”, (nothing)….”I think ….If you choose to leave I don’t think you should come back”…I said...not even raising my voice.

“There you go…” he said, and left.

It was a split second decision that I made, saying that, and yes I knew as I was saying it that I HAD to mean it, because he wouldn’t come back…ever. More so that I really DON’T want him to come back. Ever, at least not that version of him.

All day I went from being mad to crying but never once did I regret what Id said.

Today, packing up his things, my heart is hurting and I wish we had just never gone to the party, but that wouldn’t change the fact that there is a part of him that I really DON’T want to come back.

It’s the part that I broke up with a year ago, that he swore he was working on, but is still very much there. Also, there have been underlying issues that have steadily been building inside me that I have tried to talk to him about, but he’s got no answers for. Ironically, they revolve principally about me feeling like he’s not being supportive of ME, and of all the decisions and changes I'm having to make.

It’s about him not listening to me...literally just sitting there while I say things until I realize, he’s actually NOT listening.

It’s about him making little to no effort to make himself better in ways that are both physical and mental, something I have mentioned in passing but NOT talked to him about because I know I’ve gained weight (pandemic bloat), been drinking too much too often, and eating the wrong things, but I also ALWAYS try to look nice…fix my hair…put on makeup…And do things for HIM…keep the house nice…cook…send food home with him so he’s not having to eat garbage so much.

I know I am sensitive about weight and looks too, and he’d never say anything about that to me, so respectfully to him I gave the same pass knowing he’s unhappy about his (what I consider small but understand for him is big) weight gain and no, were not going out so no need to get dressed up on the weekends, and haircuts are risky as well as money that’s not really a necessity at the moment. And also, I have been trying. I mean REALLY trying to get myself back in shape, and he won’t even go for a walk. I feel like it would be so easy for him if he just would make a small effort. Then he makes me feel guilty for serving bread with dinner (only on the weekends!) when he’s going out and eating Burger King! To be fair, he’s never EVER criticized me for weight gain or looks in any way, but it would also be nice to hear him say I look nice once in a while. I am constantly telling him how cute he is and such…because he IS, and weight gain or not I think he’s a very attractive man.

In fact one of the other current frustrations to add to the pile has been the fact that I’ve been working out so hard almost daily for so long now and had FINALLY gotten the scale to edge down enough to really know Id broken that plateau that I fight with constantly. Then my back goes out and Im off exercise and on my butt for 10 days now, and guess what? I’ve gained every ounce of it back in one friggin’ week. Today is the first day that I think I can try a light elliptical, which I had intended to do earlier, but now it’s 5:30 PM, Im depressed, my work week has once again fallen apart..(oh yeah that was the other thing last week.. it was the first week since March that I actually had a real almost entirely booked week, and 4 of the 5 jobs had to go to another photographer instead of waiting for me to get better so I lost all those jobs!) So it’s probably not happening today.

The bottom line is I’ve been a wreck but I'm still TRYING. Depressed beyond belief, and trying to hold on to a possible future with a man that can’t even tell me that he even THINKS about us and “our” future. He’s living for today only and using the Pandemic as an excuse, but that’s exactly where he was a year ago too. No Pandemic to blame that on.

I’ve had many thoughts about this. Is he still taking his meds consistently? I don’t know…I never SEE him do it, and I trust him, so I don’t know, and don’t ask. I DO know he stopped his therapy back in I think January. Not on purpose...they moved the lady he was working with (and doing GREAT with!) to another location and he was sort of non-plus about the guy he got stuck with so between that and Covid hitting it just went out the window.

He won’t talk to me about what may or may not be going on in his head, and on the few occasions I’ve asked him about how he’s doing in that department, he gets defensive with me so I just don’t ask anymore.

I feel like I’ve been watching him slowly slip away for months now. Granted the Covid situation has not helped anything for either of us, and many of the strongest relationships are being tested at this moment in time, but if you can’t communicate with someone, you can’t get anywhere. You can’t solve problems. You can’t move forward. Period.

 We were working on ourselves and each other and it’s all come to a screeching halt along with pretty much every other “normal” aspect of life, all because of some crazy virus that’s ripped up the world…that and a governmental nightmare that just seems to get worse day by day. So yeah, there is a TON of shit going on, and I get it...he’s not a “talker” by nature, but he could try. If he wanted to save us…if nothing else…save US…he could try. He could talk to me…not AT me, and he could LISTEN to me...actually let me finish a sentence. Yeah that would be great.

Reading this back through I am sad.

Just sad.

I wanted to have a life with this man. I love him. You can’t turn that off overnight, and even with all the shit he’s got in his head, I’d be willing to work things out if he could just realize that this time he was really wrong. He owes me an apology. He owes US an apology. Not for the fight at the party…well yeah maybe for that too, but I really don’t care so much about that as much as why it happened….because it totally could have been avoided. He , (it appeared anyway) WANTED to get this rage reaction out of this other guy so he just kept poking the bear. Why do that?? WHY???

And then the aftermath that lead to him leaving the next morning. The yelling at ME…which he did…saying “If you want to go have Shane as your boyfriend go right ahead!”, because he thought I was defending Shane, and I wasn’t. I was trying to tell him they were BOTH in the wrong. I could give a shit about Shane, and frankly have zero intentions of hanging out with him ever again because of this, but Ray didn’t…..Wouldn’t… hear that.   So yeah...I am owed a great big apology, and I simply don’t see that happening.

Sad…so very sad. I love you Ray. I wish we could fix this. My heart is breaking…again.

The Forgotten... FINALLY!

 It finally happened. 

Today is July 25th. Last night I was at moms house. She had a procedure for her back a few days ago and I was staying with her. It was Friday night and she’d gone to bed. I was texting with Anne in NYC. All this crazy Carona virus crap mixed with political crap mixed with everything else that can possibly be bad seems like.

Then it happened. She said, “yesterday was Vics' birthday and.....” 

I didn’t read any further. At that moment I realized I had forgotten Mike D's birthday.

For the first time since I met him 8 years ago I didn’t remember it. Vic and he share the same birthday so the second she texted that and I read it I remembered.

He’s 45 now, and has a daughter that’s about to turn 3, and I assume still a wife that he’s been married to for almost 4 years. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that final horrible day in January of 2018.

I thought it would never happen. I mean yes, I have taken note that I have finally had days where I realize that he has not crossed my mind, but every year on that day...HIS day...I think about him. Well, thought about him.

But this time I forgot. I mean I just literally didn’t even have a hint of thought about it.

Finally.

If I have anything to be happy about right now....cause there ain’t much else....that’s a keeper.

Another Day, Another Fight

Today the Mayor of Atlanta, Keisha Lance Bottoms ( I feel like I always have to say her entire name - its a grand one!), is going head to head in court against our idiot Governor , Kemp, (just his last name is sufficient...also, its sounds like wimp!), on the issue of state mandated face masks.

Mayor  Keisha Lance Bottoms issued a city wide face mask mandate and also rolled back some of the openings that the Governor said were OK to do because we are as a state spiking in cases of Covid 19, particularly in the City of Atlanta. The Governor decided to tell the world that no, its not a mandate that she can enforce and that he does not intend to make it one state wide. Basically  making the businesses themselves be responsible for enforcing something that will keep their employees safer and the public in general. Meanwhile the mayor of Savannah did the same thing as Bottoms weeks ago and did not receive this reaction by Kemp. If he ( the mayor of Savannah) was white Id scream racist, but hes not. Hes black, so my only thought can be that he (Kemp) just doesn't want to be publicly contradicted, right or wrong, which is BS. Hes more concerned with the economy than the lives of his citizens. 

Its so frustrating. 

Meanwhile, I am feeling a little "Va-cay-Shamed". I read a post my dear friend in NYC made right after I sent her an email (I think back in June, when I was in a bad way and trying to find some normalcy) about possibly going to Florida in August, assuming things were OK to do so. I tossed the idea about 10 minutes later because I realized it was going to be impossible. 

Then yesterday I read this post. Very well written (of course, shes a genius!:)) and its not like she was directly saying I was a selfish, unaware, idiot, but its sure how it made me feel. 

I've talked to my friend since she wrote it but I had not read it until yesterday. 

The post, again, not calling me out as being stupid, but yeah, maybe a little unaware, not taking Covid seriously, and being a little selfish wanting to go on vacation. All of which could not be further from the truth. 

My world is shattered right now, just like so may others. No work to speak of, and no end in  sight. Watching the country fall apart little by little each day. Watching people who used to be friends part ways over social media posts. Trying to manage myself and my household. Turning 50 in the middle of it all, which pretty much everyone that calls themselves my friend actually forgot about. (totally understandable but still..) Trying to figure out this move to my moms house, which is THE most stressful thing under the best circumstances. Seeing money go out and not come in, and with the pandemic unemployment ending this week what I've got I hope to stretch out as long as possible, and hoping that my business will pick up again sooner than later, but knowing the reality is probably not. Watching my body swell and fighting it every step of the way but still losing. 

So having a fleeting thought about going to the beach...well, yes a bad idea that was never going to happen, but I really didn't know how it came off as such a self centered, unaware idea. 

To be clear, I don't think my friend meant to make me feel bad about it, but thats the way it reads to me, so there it is. Ill talk to her about it, because I love her and I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but people these days are taking all kinds of things and making them huge. Or maybe they are already huge and just have not been dealt with before. 

I know the climate dealing with race issues is as hot as its ever been, and she in particular I believe has a unique perspective that most others people that I know dont  have. Shes white, college educated, came from a middle class family, and her boyfriend (who is AWESOME!!) is black, and has a totally different background. None the less, they complement each other completely. 

Frankly I have never given their relationship a thought as far as race goes. I just dont think that way, but I know some people do. Saddly the world is still harboring race as an issue in areas I was totally unaware of. 

This same friend has sent me a few things to read about that subject that I found very interesting and enlightening. 

At any rate, it’s tough for everyone in many ways, but certainly worse on some, and although I am not among the worst by far, I am struggling with my own day to day life, and I don’t feel like just because mine is not as bad as someone else that I don’t have a right to feel bad about it. It’s my reality after all. That being said of course I think vacation now is not a good idea, even though we all need it. I guess the world needs one but it’s not going to get it either.

COVID FOREVER!!

It feels like this pandemic will never end. Just when you feel like things are starting to get back to some kind of "normal", the numbers are rising again, and people are ignoring the face mask rule.

I guess thats part of the problem. Its not really a "rule" its a suggestion...a recommendation.

People like my mom who I know has been getting out more than she should think they are not necessary, but why risk it? Why risk OTHERS lives just because you don't want to wear a mask?

It sucks..its hot, you cant breathe, and mine is making my face break out, but its the only thing I can do when out in public to help.

If you HAVE to go out, which you do now since the re-opening whether you want to or not, just wear a damn mask people!

I have had a few stray shoots. Struggling along like this is not good for my wallet, or my mind. I have been pretty good the past few weeks about keeping on track, but as previous posts show, its not consistent. Well, sort of. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

June last year was oddly very similar to this one. I saw Ray on my birthday weekend but have not seen him since. His test finally came back  - negative - thank God, but he still thinks hes got it. I set up a second test for tomorrow so I hope he takes it. Hes still sick, or says he still feels bad anyway, so really I shouldn't see him until that stops either way.
This means at least another week since Ill be heading back to moms in a couple of days for the 4th.

God, half a year is gone already. Saturated with COVID19, riots, protests, and general unhappiness. I dont see the next half getting much better. In fact I feel like its probably going to get worse.
Businesses that have been forced to re-open to save the states bottom line are going to end up having to close again, and when they do, it seems unlikely that they will all return.

So many are lucky to have work at home jobs, but even those companies are cutting the fat. My sister had to lay off a slew of folks...all in their 50s...for "the good of the company", which Im sure is true. It does make me wonder, however, if they laid of one CEO or just reduced the huge fat salaries of the super high ups, if they could do some training (supposedly these folks are not up on the new tech), and save some of these jobs. Jobs people evidently had had for 30+ years.

These are the folks that wont be getting their jobs back at that level anywhere else. These are the folks that have worked hard, for the same company for years, and had plans. Life plans of retirwment that will never come to pass now.
Its awful.

This year is grim indeed.

Trying to be positive.

Trying...