Spring has Sprung, but the flowers are Gone

Its a beautiful Saturday morning.

I am sitting at my upstairs den desk which looks out a window. The view from here is nice. I can see the blue sky, the trees leafing out, and the dogwood right outside the window in full bloom.

I put this here when I moved to give my heart a little reminder of my mornings at my little Decatur house. Every morning I had a routine.

Get up, let the dog out, feed the pup, make my tea, start some boiled eggs, and go sit in my office. 

My office was a central room in the back of the house, and pretty much the entire exterior wall was windows. My yard was huge, and at this time of year the Azalais that my dad bought for me years and years ago would be blooming their heads off.

I had 21 Oak trees in my yard, mostly in the back. In the spring, as the leaves were coming in it would be a mess. (tree sperm ick!) but the end of that was a gorgeous canopy of old growth trees that blocked out everything ugly that was around me. 

I miss that view. I miss my home. The only real home I ever had in my heart. I miss my life, my work, my body, my self control. 

Where did it all go? How could I have neglected to appreciate it all when it was mine?

Technology, the kind that did no even exist when I first bought my home in 2003, now allows us to not only take a quick photo on the fly, but to be able to look back on them in an instant. The ease of this sometimes is too much for me because I still get very melancholy when I see my home. 

When I sold it to Ted Waters in January of 2021, as heartbroken as I was to see it go, I was also glad that HE was the one to get it. Ted was not someone that I knew well, or really at all, but my old neighbor, Luke Simpson, knew him well, and evidently Ted had been over there at a party once and wandered over to my side of the fence. This had to be the party of all parties that I threw at Christmas in 2009.  half of Decatur showed up. It was principally at my house, but Luke had made a gate between our houses and he had "Lukies Bar" in the separate garage out behind his house, so people were going back and forth. I cant think of any other time that he would have been over there. In any case, when I sold it, and we were in the parking lot after closing, I finally got to meet him. It was deep Covid 19 time so the closing papers were signed by me on the front porch of the law office, while he and his agent were inside. 

As I sat in my car bawling and thinking "what have I done?" he came out over to the car window and said |that house will always be yours, and you can come visit any time you like". It made my heart feel good that he got it because he said he loved it just the way it was. He had no plans to change anything. 

3 years later, on the morning of the Georgia State Women's Pinball Championships, I got a text from my old neighbor asking me to call her. I was literally just starting to play and asked if it was important. She said its about Ted.

I knew it couldn't be good, but I also had a little hope that maybe in some crazy world he was talking about selling it back to me. I know...a really crazy thought. I was not at all prepared to hear what she was about to say when I called her back a few minutes later.

January was terribly cold and temperatures that morning were so low that ice was all over anything that had the least bit of moisture on it. I think it had dipped to 17 degrees overnight, and wasn't much warmer even after the sun came up.

Evidently Ted had been on the front stoop, which didn't have a railing, and fallen off it sometime the night before. He had severely broken his leg. A compound fracture that had actually broken the skin. I know this because they said when they found him outside his car, they saw a trail of blood from where he had fallen, to where he had drug himself to his car, and the handprint on the door indicated that he had tried to get inside. Maybe to honk the horn? We will never know because he froze to death.

It was so shocking to hear this news. Not just that he had died, but frozen while laying in MY front yard. Horrible. I thought about how happy he had been that morning when I last saw him. He really did love that house. 

Part of why I had never been back was because I thought, like most do when they move in to a new place , he would have changed things to his liking and I couldn't bear to see that. I woke up this morning thinking about my home. I knew that nit had been put up for sale again and had resisted looking at it on line. I didn't want to see the changes he had surely made. I just now looked. it has indeed been sold, and for 72K more than I got for it. That upset me in general, but then I saw the pictures. 

Shitty pictures taken with a cell phone of the empty house. It was hard to look at them, but he told the truth. He didn't change a thing. It was my old house with all the same colors Id finally gotten to paint in 2018. I started to cry with that ache of longing in my heart you get when you miss something or someone so much that its physically painful. Then I saw the back yard pictures. Whoever took over the property, assuming one of his kids, had clear cut EVERYTHING down. All the Hydrangeas... god those were BEAUTIFUL in the summer, one of which was given to me by Andy and Jason as a house warming gift when I moved in...gone...and the Azalais that my dad bought for me...gone... everything is just gone. 

I sat here and just cried. I don't know if I thought that somehow Id end up back there one day, or that somehow I could just miraculously will myself back in time to make the RIGHT decision NOT to sell it, but that feeling of longing has now been replaced by just a sad empty hole. 

I certainly don't have the money to buy a house now, and its worth so much more than it was 3 years ago I wouldn't  have been able to buy it back regardless. 

Someone new will occupy it soon, either that or a builder is going to go in and redo it entirely then sell it for 300K or more. Then it really wont ever be mine again. Not even in spirit. 

When I sat down here this morning to write and listen to my Zen playlist just like I used to do....looking out that back window, a cup of tea steaming in the chilly morning air, and Gabby sitting in her bed in the green chair next to my desk...I didn't think Id be writing about this. I was going to write about the changes going on in my world of Pinball and life in general, but the view and the music sent my mid back to that place I loved so much, so I did the thing I said I wouldn't do. I looked. 

I guess looking back is not always a good idea, especially when you are unhappy in your current state. I want so much to be able to move forward with my life. I feel like I've spent so much time looking back at things that I am stuck. I don't know HOW to move forward, and I keep making huge, life changing mistakes. 

The thing is, I felt this way at Longshore too, and I know it. I can look back and miss it, but I had the same issues there, well, some, that I do here. I spent years regretting buying that house when I first got there, and back then I would dream about the 2 years I spent in the tiny carriage house that I also loved and missed, thinking that buying that house was a huge mistake. Clearly it wasn't, and I can se that now. 

I have a new view in the morning. Ill never have that old one again, and I need to learn to look back in appreciation, not sadness. I need to embrace this one because its all I've got, and while it is different, its still pretty nice.

What I do not want is to be sitting in yet another new view 20 years from now...(god Ill be 73 years old, about the age Ted was when he bought that house from me) writing about how much I regret losing THIS house. Either from having to sell it because I can't afford it, or because I'm too old and my body is too fucked up to be able to keep it up the way it should be kept. I have to make changes. Big ones, or that's exactly what is going to happen.

God, or whatever may be out there listening, please let me do it. PLEASE help me to pull it together and find a direction. I'm so tired of looking back in sadness and regret. I want memories that make me happy and proud. 

I have to till a NEW garden, so my view will always be good and the flowers will always be blooming and so when I look at it I know that no one can take it away from me ever again. 

help.

A Winning Perspective

 Everyone wants to "win" at something. Even the most non-competitive person feels good when they excel at something weather they want to admit it or not. 

For the longest time my wins came from weight loss. No matter what else I did in my life, if that was not going well, nothing else could happen. 

I had wins but looking back they were all overshadowed by my weight. Back in 2012, when I had the "click" that allowed me to keep going day after day to the gym, change my eating habits, and finally see real change in my body, I still didn't feel like a winner. 

After having skin removal surgery, while I felt better and certainly looked better, I think I was waiting for some magical feeling of winning. It never really came. 

Oh I had small victories, some of which were VERY satisfying. 

I recall one in particular, a few months after my first, and most drastic skin surgery. I was at The Corner Pub with Jennifer Harris/Hart when these 2 guys, Mark (who Jenn had dated years before this), and Jason (whos parents actually owned the house on Longshore before I bought it from them) came up the stairs and as soon as they saw us came over. 

Now, to understand this next part you need to know that historically hanging out with Jennifer meant every man within a 50 mile radius would come in flocks to be around her. Jennifer is a really beautiful woman. Tiny, thin, beautiful long thick blonde hair, great body. Plus she's a firecracker (appropriately her birthday is on July 4th!), so when  the guys came over and starting oohing and awing at ME, it took me a minute to realize what was happening. 

For the first time...and probably the only time since, these dudes were not just acknowledging me, they were all over me! Mark in particular was laying it on thick. 

Was I flattered, or happy, or even receptive to this attention? No, I wasn't. Why? Because before he started dating Jen, I had a crush on him, and he wouldn't give me the time of day. In fact, he sort of used me to get closer to Jen, which was something I recall feeling a bit heart sick over.

So I sat there, letting him flirt and try his best to get my attention. The attitude was huge, the confidence was massive. He KNEW he could have me, right? 

WRONG! After...oh...20 minutes or so of this going on, and him getting more and more into my personal space, I finally said, "Mark, let me set you straight on something, YOU are NEVER going to have THIS!" as I gestured to myself. 

Jason almost fell out of his chair laughing so hard. Jennifer spit her drink out and joined in, and Mark, well, that may have been the only time in his life up to that point that he had experienced that kind of rejection. 

At that moment I felt a kind of satisfaction that I had never felt before, and probably never since. A real WIN. But was it really a win, or was it more of a FUCK YOU? It depends on how you look it it.

After that I think a part of me expected more of that kind of WOW factor, but I didn't get it. People get used to you being a certain way, and when you change that dynamic, it makes them very uncomfortable. That goes for friends and family. Even if you don't mean to be hurtful, acknowledgments of ones success can sometimes come across as condescending, thereby taking the compliment part away from it.

Its the way we perceive things as individuals that gives us winning moments most of the time. 

The phrase, "Take the win" comes to mind, because that in itself is perspective. 

You can take the small steps and turn them into a win if you put into a certain perspective, and in doing so, change your heart, your mind and your life. 

I have lived in a negative world most of my life. My wins, or perceived wins have been hard earned and even harder to convince myself of most of the time. 

Its like pinball. The ladies league I stared with Meri P.  2-1/2 years ago seems like a win from the very beginning. Just getting new people to come was a big task, and one that I was very hesitant to take on.

 It pretty obvious that I'm not a very outgoing person, nor am I the first one to jump in to something. I have also never considered myself to be a leader in any way. This women's group though, this whole pinball thing actually, has sparked a fire in me that I honestly didn't know I even had. 

At first it was so hard to make myself even go to the meets, but since I started it, and was leading it with Meri, I HAD to go. Unlike back in Decatur, if I didn't feel like going to Belles and Chimes I just didn't go. Even then though, I loved the pinball part so much I found myself going, more than not.

 I didn't know anyone but MG, who introduced me to it but rarely came herself. The few ladies there that would speak to me were not very friendly save one, Tina. But I came anyway. that was 2018, the year I was in Mike D recovery. Well, men recovery, or maybe even Life recovery. So I went. I made myself go by myself. I guess that did make it a little easier to go up here in a way, but at the same time, I was jumping into something completely unknown, and being a LEADER. 

Meri over the last year or so has come to fewer and fewer meets, so her role has become more in the background, but I have blossomed into a full on BOSS! 

This is a definite win for me, perspective or not, and its something I have become very proud of. Its not about the acknowledgement that has come from leading this group recently, its from the feeling that I am really in charge and that I really did build this. I have poured everything I have into it, and I want to keep it going, so when things that rock the boat begin to happen it really upsets me, and I would like that to stop.

There is one person that seems to be rocking the boat, and while I would normally appreciate the offer of help, I do not want it from her. She doesn't want to help, she wants to take over, and its taking the WIN out of all of it for me. 

For a while now, I have been stewing over this person and their constant meddling, and I really need to just  let it go. She has wormed her way into the lives of the owners of the place we play once a week, one of which I really thought was my friend, and it is really starting to get to me. 

Its one thing to step up to help, its quite another to attempt a hostile takeover, especially when Bryan is so far up her ass he cant see straight or maybe its the other way around. Either way it has turned what used to be the best night of the week for me into something I often dread, especially if I personally don't do well. 

Last year before she joined us I was on a winning streak. I went from 15th or so in the state women's rankings to 1st an stayed there until July. I was not dethroned by her, but she was getting increasingly better, something I usually applaud in anyone that has joined the group, but with her, its just a bitter pill to swallow. 

I started not doing as well toward the end of the year as she started doing a lot better, often taking the win and leaving me far far down the list. It stinks to lose at something you love and really WANT to be good at. But its so much worse to be beaten by someone you really cant stand. 

I have been trying to keep it in perspective, but my brain has more times than not taken it to a place that's just unnecessary. A good example is our weekly Belles and Chimes meet last night.

On the way there I was thinking that I needed to stop with all the bitter feelings about this person, and told myself I HAD to let it go because the annoyance I was allowing in from her bad vibes was starting to take the joy out of this for me. Yes she's gotten good...REALLY good, but the fact is she's worked at it and that's the bottom line. Pinball is not something you can fake. You can either play or you cant. Yes there are always good and bad nights even for the experts, but there are skills to be learned and every machine has its story to tell. If you don't know that story you wont do as well, even if you can make  shots and keep the ball alive. So in the spirit of trying to let it go, I told myself I would NOT let her get to me, and I was not going to look at the scores all night just because I figured she would probably win anyway. 

My streak has  not been so good this year so far, and its my own fault. I'm not slowing down and giving things thought, AND I feel like part of that is her bad vibe that I have been letting in. 

I arrived right at 7:00 and was bombarded by her first thing. I was late (well on time) but of course shew had taken over. 

Instead of being irritated I took a breath and just took the control back. From that moment on, I was in a zone. I had already decided I was not going to drink anything which I never do, so that relaxing agent was not there. In spite of that, I was having a good night, and I was winning...a lot! 

At some point I realized we were not progressing as we normally do. Taking longer to finish rounds and even having to push people along, her especially, between rounds to get more in. 

The more rounds you get in, the better the point value is, especially for the top 3. 

I finally checked the standings and saw that I was leading but we were running out of time and 2 rounds away from where we really should have been. Then it occurred to me that this lady was actually causing delays on purpose because she, for once, was at the bottom of the pack. 

This nugget of negativity bloomed BIG, and as soon as it did, I felt that tightness in my stomach. This time however, instead of fostering it and getting myself upset, I let it go. 

Yes, I do think she was doing it on purpose because I was in 1st place, but the bottom line is, I had a choice to make. I could either take this win and enjoy it, even knowing it could have yielded more points, or let her take it away from me by sucking the joy out of all of it.

I chose the win, and I was smiling all the way home. 

Was it a huge victory? 

Yes and no. It depends on your perspective.  

In the pinball world it could have been better because of points, but from my perspective it was a HUGE YES because I had overcome that nasty negative vibe that just radiates from this person, and took my win. 

1st place and beyond!

Oh Mojo Oh Mojo, where for art there Mojo?

I have been a real Debbie Downer recently. Absorbed in my own world of troubles. 

A friend that I saw on Friday reminded me that forcing a smile when you are down actually lifts your mood without even thinking about it. 

I'm going to try to get that positive vibe going again. No matter what my circumstances are, its only made worse by being negative. 

Also, I AM going to get myself into a routine. I miss my routine. I see "fakebook memories" and every day my gym check ins from 12 years ago pop up. I was so there. I was so in it.

In some ways I'm back in that position as far as finances go. Pre-photo business and on unemployment from the horrible Engineering firm job lay off, I had a lot of time on my hands. I made good use of it though. 

I remember my routine. I remember the things I gave up and how much I gained in good mental health from giving those things up. 

Looking back at things like that have always made me long for that past. I have to stop doing that. My life will never be like that again and the sooner I can stop wishing for the past to repeat itself the sooner I can step into my future.

What that future is I have no idea. 

I have put myself out there again dating wise. I'm not really enthusiastic about it and already have a guy on the hook that I kind of like but kind of don't. We haven't even met yet or spoken on the phone and he's already making me feel like he is needy. 

I want to strong, independent, financially secure man that I am also attracted to physically and mentally.

Tall order at 53.

Maybe its not a good idea to try to meet someone now. Part of me thinks that I need to get my routine back and focus on that and making money. Another part is screaming I'm lonely and shouldn't waste precious time waiting for myself to get back into shape and feel good about my looks again. 

The truth is no matter how much weight I lose my neck will forever make me look 10 years older than I actually am, and there is no fixing that unless I have plastic surgery, which I cant afford. having those surgeries years ago was such a gift, and although I feel like I was never given the opportunity to really enjoy it before the rest of my life fell apart with dad getting sick, I do feel better about my body. Even now with weight gain and no muscle tone, its still far far better than it was.

Muscle. That's what I need, and guess what? Its free. It only costs time, which I will have if I can get myself organized and stick to a routine.

Day one of how many? Hopefully the rest of my life how ever long that ends up being. 

 

What Do I Do Now?

Out of time. Our of money. Out of luck. 

That's how I feel right now. 

Crystal coming in since January has been a HUGE relief, especially since neither of my sisters is ever very helpful in that area. 

Her being here has allowed me to have an actual weekend for the first time in 3 years. I highly doubt either of my sisters ever even stops to think about that. They just think I'm up here in a nice house with free room and board and that should be enough. Its not. 

After seeing the work Crystal does, I realize just how much work I do, and have been doing, without getting paid for it. The conversation I want to have with Elise it this. I need to be paid something each month, because even if we had help in 7 days a week, its only for 8 hours a day. Who does the work the other 8? Me. 

Over the summer I stopped paying for things. As in groceries and things the house needs. I never paid for all of it, but at least half. When my bank account finally slipped down so low I literally couldn't afford to buy anything, I told Elise I was not going to be paying for groceries anymore. I don't know how she felt about that, but frankly I don't care. What was interesting though, was in about 2 months she was flipping out about the amount of money that was suddenly being spent. She said I needed to stick to a budget, etc. Well, guess what? All that extra money is what I have been spending for the last 3 years. Pitching in. Doing my part. Whatever. I do way more than my part.

She says there is not enough money in moms monthly budget to pay me anything. That's hard for me to swallow when the church gets $960 a month from her. I also get that she want to tithe, but how is that right when the person who's actually sacrificing the rest of their mid life to keep her in this house and getting nothing but room and board for it?

When Crystal started coming in, Elise suggested I have her come during the week so that I can work. That alone tells me just how clueless she is to my situation. 

I NEED A FUCKING WEEKEND JUST LIKE YOU ELISE!!! That's what she always used as an excuse not to have mom at her house all weekend to give me a break. SHE needed a day off. HA!

Do I not deserve time off? Is taking care of my aging parent 24/7 not a job? 

What's worse is that even if I wanted to bail on all this, now I cant. I'm stuck just like an indentured servant because I HAVE NO MONEY! 3 years of paying for this and that and yes some things that were just fun stuff and not necessary, but 90% went straight to this house. 

I want to have a conversation with Elise about this but I already know what the outcome is going to be. She will tell me its not in the budget, and that I need to go get a job. 

Walmart here I come! But wait, with my 40 hours a week at my fine new Walmart job, who's going to take care of mom? Oh yes! Her long term health care policy will pay for Crystal to come in every day of the week for 8 hours a day.

But wait, doesn't SHE need a weekend too? OK, sure, so we hire another person to fill in the other 2 days a week so Crystal can have a weekend. So mom has care for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week while I'm at work, and on my weekend during the day. 

So who takes care of her after that 8 hours? ME. For room and board. 

Id like to see Elise and Beth even TRY to do this for a month. WITH NO HELP. They would never make it. After all, Elise did say years ago, "I will not sacrifice the rest of my life to go live with mom". So maybe in the back of her mind she does "get it", enough to not want to do it anyway.

I know this was my choice, and I don't regret it. If I had not made this choice I feel certain mom would be in some facility by now. 

I also know that should mom not have the need to sell this house that I will inherit it upon her death, but I wont be able to keep it if I have no money. Yes I can sell it but that was never the goal. Even if that happens between the capitol gains and fees I will likely walk away with maybe $300K. That's a lot you say? Not really. I will have to buy another house. Smaller, cheaper of course. Probably in the 200-250K range when its all said and done. So what, I'll be left with 50K-100K and a paid off house. 

My old house had 70K left on the mortgage, and would have been paid off in 9 years. If I had not listened to Elise's advice and kept it to rent it out, I would have not only been able to pay the mortgage, but save money monthly for repairs and actually have had a small income all this time. Then at the end of 9 years, being paid off, Id be able to move back in, or sell it, and by then the price of that little house would have been a lot different. 

Lets do the math shall we?

Its been 3 years. 6 more years to have that house paid off. I HOPE mom will still be alive in 6 years, but she's also turning 85 this year, and her dementia is definitely getting worse. 

In the 3 years that I have been here, if I had rented out my house for $2,000 a month, which is totally within the fair market for that area, I would have had $1,000 extra a month coming in. Lets say I saved $500 a month for house issues "just in case".  That means I could have potentially SAVED $18,000 by now, and still had $500 a month in income, which while not enough to completely stop the bleed of my bank account, it sure would have helped. In 6 more years? $54,000. And further, lets say ALL that money had to go back into the house for repairs over the years. I'd still be left with a paid off house in a very desirable area, AND whatever comes of this one. If Id kept Longshore, and it was paid off, then that rent becomes income. Not enough to stay in this house without making money myself too, but it would have helped. And if I found I couldn't afford it, sell it. Then I would have had my house to fall back on, plus whatever from the sale of this house (if I even really end of getting it) to help in retirement. 

That's a hell of a lot better return on my investment than the 50K I sunk into the market, AGAIN on Elise's advice, that has all but been swallowed up. Just gone. I would have been better off just keeping that 50K in a basic savings account. 

I'm frustrated with so many things in my life right now. I feel like in spite of all my efforts I have built nothing and am nothing. I feel grossly underappreciated by my siblings, and just dismissed by my mom. 

My one love and mental relief is my pinball time. The group of people,(well, most of them) that I have met because of starting the women's league has saved my life. Actually given me a NEW life in a way. None of my people from Decatur are a real part of my life anymore. All those years of "friendship", but move 45 minutes away, and its gone. This is not entirely their doing. Part of it is that when I do, or did, get invites to places I cant go because of either not being able to leave mom, or the money.  That's also what makes me laugh, when Elise used to tell me that she would come stay here "anytime"( as long as she has not made plans...which is never), I would try to explain to her that I CANT AFFORD TO GO ANYWHERE, and she would basically shrug her shoulder and say "oh well!".

There really are not a lot of Decatur people that I miss though. My life had been gradually moving away from a lot of them already way before I moved and that was directly because of Beth. I do miss Anne though. I had hoped that her moving back would allow us to get closer but she has her own problems, and does nothing but work. She's also too far away to see much. I hope that once they find a place to move to its closer to me. Why? because no matter how much help I have, unless its the 24 hour kind, I cant stray very far from home. 

I feel very trapped in this life, and the only way out is money. I have to make money somehow.  What happened to my photography business? Covid happened. Covid made the one thing that I cant seem to do for real estate a necessity, fucking video. I have lost all my clients. So many years building up my business and its just gone. 

When I make fun of working at Walmart, I'm actually not really kidding. I am no longer qualified to do anything in the corporate world, and frankly would rather be dead than stuck in another corporate office job. My photography is still good when I get work, but evidently my builder prices are too much. I know there are photographers out there that charge way more than I do so I don't understand how this could be when the clients I DO still have area always satisfied. 

What do I do now? I have no idea. Die I guess. Wait to die, and in the meantime keep taking care of my mom. That's about it. 

This is my life. 

New Years Eve 2023-2024 I DIDNT WRTE ANYTHING

 For the first time in over 10 years I decided NOT to write anything on New Years Eve. I really had meant to get to it, but time slipped up on me really fast and then it was over. Truthfully, I thought about it the next day and just didn't have the strength for it. 

So 2023 recap. *sigh*

First off, that post from the beginning of 2023 was delusional in its optimism.  I did it on purpose. I was REALLY trying to "fake it till you make it", but it didn't work. 

I'm not good at fake. Guess who IS good at it? Ray of course. His miserable existence drug me down for another 6 months, then I snapped. I broke things off in early March, under the guise of "lets be friends".

After that he was still coming over on the weekends, spending the night and going home Sunday, just like he always had, only I wouldn't sleep with him. That actually stopped ON his birthday in April, which he would tell me later was "the best it ever got" so I guess in the end I really did do all I could to save it. I gave a performance that I should have won an Oscar for...or a porn award...whatever, and THAT was part of what he thought was so wonderful. I realized right after HE was finished that this was it. It really wasn't ever going to get any better than that right there, which for me, was not even close to being OK, but for him, it was the best night we had ever had. From beginning to end I had planned everything perfectly. I even got some of his kids involved and actually got to spend time with them for the first time ever. It was only made awkward by Ray. That hurt me. Badly. That was it, the opportunity to have us mesh FINALLY and it was like he was a cat in a house full of rocking chairs. He didn't even act like himself, or the "self" I was used to anyway. I left feeling very drained and thought, OK, things are going to start changing as of now. And they did. 

My world was getting smaller and smaller. With little to no work, and my money drying up from my house sale, I was getting to a very dark but very familiar place. I spent the whole spring (and summer) with no help from my sisters with mom with the exception of one weekend at the end of May when Elise was going out of town, and I took mom to stay at her house with Beth. And guess what? I was sick...bad...so the whole weekend sucked. 

With that, and my work being pretty much gone, I was in trouble, and for the first time in a very long time I thought about suicide. Yup, I was really there, so I started trying HARD to crawl out of the hole but nothing seemed to be working. What I didn't realize was that the medication I had been prescribed at the end of 2022 instead of the Adderall that Id taken forever, was having side effects. Bad ones. Oh, I was depressed alright, but suicidal, that was scary. Desperate for answers I read that the medication I was on might be responsible for the suicidal thoughts, so I stopped taking it, cold turkey. A few days in without it I  felt better, but I was still depressed and now not taking anything for my REALLY bad ADHD. 

I had started taking the other med because no one up here would prescribe Adderall, so in desperation I started going to my old Dr. in Decatur, who gave me the Adderall back. We had a follow up a few months later and I told her then I was still feeling depressed. She started me on Wellbutrin. I have resisted anti-depressants for years, but this was not a situation that I felt I could get past on my own. I'm still on them, and after a dose adjustment I think I'm actually feeling a bit better.

In the months following Ray's birthday I would see him less and less. I was making decisions and plans that kept me busy and away from him. I started spending a Friday night here and there at Portal playing pinball by myself. Then out of nowhere, a fast friendship with Amanda from pinball formed. It started out with making plans to hike one weekend, then turned into every weekend, which was a real gift, and couldn't have been better timing. We basically spent the spring and summer hiking and swimming almost every weekend. I'm pretty sure if I had not gotten to be close with her I would not have ben able to shake him. She was /is my first real friend connection up here since I moved. More on that and pinball later. 

I was still seeing him, but because of my new routine on the weekends it was easier not to include him. He hated hiking, and was never really thrilled about swimming either. It was just one more thing he did for me but never liked. I did go back and forth though. My heart just kept missing him always being around. He also managed to make my birthday suck .... AGAIN...so theres that too. 

Finally in July after a particularly painful night at Gishys birthday party in Decatur where he truly behaved like a sour apple, making me leave early (even after I told him Id go by myself) I just stopped calling him. To my surprise, he didn't call me either. I guess he was tired too, or so I thought. A few weeks later he called me wanting to go to lunch. We had been texting here and there so it wasn't like we had stopped communicating altogether, I was just no longer checking in with him every Friday to see when he was coming over. Without that "invite" he had just stopped, and would later tell me he had just needed a break after the 4th of July and that party from all the people, but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be around me. Whatever... 

Lunch happened, and in the middle of it, he leaned over the table and tried to kiss me. I backed away and said, "were not doing that anymore". We got through the rest of it and on the way home he exploded. 'How could I throw him away when all he's ever done is love me and be there for me when I needed ANYTHING'...so that's when the real FRIENDS ONLY thing came in, and it hit him that I was serious.

In the months after July when our hanging out all but dried up, several things happened that really tested my will to go it alone, and although he was still "there" for me every time I called without question, things had changed. He would come when I called and hang out when I asked him to, all the while telling me the same things again and again. We rarely hung out unless we were doing some kind of project at my house, and because I was feeling guilty about that, I would ask him to go do other things now and then. Every time he would end up thinking we were starting over again and I would end up having to remind him, which was just more bad. 

His funk deepened too. He said he was depressed and nothing was going to pull him out of it. He no longer cared. Id abandoned him blah blah blah...these outbursts would happen now and then. In between he would act like all was well. I kept telling him that the Wellbutrin was working great for me and that he should get back into therapy and ask about it. Meanwhile he had actually stopped taking EVERYTHING he'd been prescribed, and not on Drs orders. He shared that little nugget a month or so later. 

In September, mom got a UTI and ended up in the hospital twice. Things were harder than ever for me. I was hitting a breaking point but no-one seemed to care about it. Even Ray was getting more distant. He said it was work, and I believed him. I was also missing him. Not romantically though, but our friendship had always been very important to me. I didn't know if it was that or work but he was becoming more confusing than ever. Always nice, always willing to help, and mostly respecting the boundaries I had set up.  

Right before moms health problems started I had actually gotten into trying to learn how to do video again, and was looking at taking the drone test...AGAIN...but all of that came to a screeching halt when the mom stuff started happening. Ray was part of the video stuff. He was/is struggling financially too and I thought hey, I'll shoot it and he can edit it! Perfect! But the hospital stays changed what little routine I had managed to start yet again. My mom, no longer driving, had to be taken everywhere AND needed way more care than before. Still, no real help. 

He hung out and spent the night I think 2 more times before the end of the year. One time I made him sleep in the guest room. The next time, he Ubered home. The whole time telling me how much he loved me and how we would sort it all out eventually because we are meant to be. 

My heart started to soften near the holidays, and when I was not allowed to ask him to Christmas dinner I was really upset and sad that he wasn't there. The truth is I felt really bad about him being alone. He'd spent the last several years with my family at every holiday, so I felt like a shitty person for not standing up to my family and telling them he was coming. It is MY HOUSE TOO after all, right? So Christmas was sad and depressing. 

Part of the holiday misery was also Beth related. I knew in the spring she was drinking again but she was at full tilt by December, getting shit faced at a football party up here, hiding the booze under moms bed, and getting busted because she was on camera. I confronted he about it right before Christmas, and thought that she might not even come. The did come, and although she was sober most of the day, she got into something at some point because at dinner, while telling us how much better she felt after being sober, I could tell she was drunk. 

Christmas basically sucked and we all "got through it".

Post Christmas - I had not even gotten him a real gift, but he had one for me (a first), so I had him over once more. That time he stayed, in my bed, with me and Gabby, and it felt good. I missed it. I missed him. Maybe it was the crappy Christmas but I needed that warm snuggle and feeling if being loved. When he tried to have sex, I brushed it off. I was genuinely exhausted or I might have done it, but I'm really glad now that I didn't. 

The next few days we were both busy. He with work ( I thought) and me getting the house back together after the disaster of a Christmas. Sunday was NYE, and Saturday, the night before, there was a tournament at Portal. I was back and forth about going, but finally decided to do it because my new HELP had started CRYSTAL!! More on her later....

So yeah it was Saturday evening afternoon, and the last college game of the year was on. Mom wanted to watch it with someone and Ray volunteered (even though he "doesn't watch football"). I had already committed to going to this tournament, and having the option of not coming home at a certain time or check in with my mom for the first time in 3 years was all I could think about. 

At about half time Georgia was murdering whoever they were playing, and I was about to call Uber when Ray said he'd go with me. Sure! I was excited that he wanted to come and play. It had been a really long time since he had, and I was hoping his icy view towards me wanting only friendship was finally melting. So we left. I got in his car and immediately smelled cigarettes.

Me "why does your car smell like smoke?"

Him "its from years ago when we played at bars so much.." 

This line was still ringing in my head when a text came through his radio. I saw the first line..."hey you! Are you watch.." and as I was reaching to open it he brushed my hand away. 

It was her...again. The same woman that he bad mouthed and said he would never see or talk to again. Smoke smell forgotten, I  said, "you know what, I have no right to tell you not to talk to her, but its really funny because you told me that you had deleted and blocked her last year."

"oh shes just gotten another phone and Larry gave her my number. I feel sorry for her, shes crazy"

But that feeling in my stomach was there. He dropped me off so he could go to his house and take an Uber up. 

What was going to be a fun night with him turned into me being bothered so much by it that I left with Amanda as soon as I was out of the tournament, leaving him there to get his own ride home.  

New Years Eve. I didn't hear from him at all until about 4:00 when he texted me to tell me that he was probably going to be asleep before midnight. I said SAME, which I meant at the time. 

My writing on New Years was not going to happen. I was in a funk. Out of nowhere I had a pinball friend (who I have a crazy crush on but is 20 years younger than me) text me and wanted to hang out. So that was my new years. Hanging out with him at my house. We played pinball, and watched a crazy movie, then got in the hot tub. I wont lie, at some point I was really hoping for a New Years Kiss ( I never did get one from Ray in all those years) but it didn't happen. We went to be at almost 3:00 AM, and he stayed in the guest room. As it should have been.

I had thought about texting Ray at midnight, but I didn't. 

New Years Day. Ray came over and early evening. He smelled faintly like smoke. Too tired to argue, I let it go. We ate the traditional food, watched a movie that I fell asleep on, and  he stayed over. I was so tired from the night before when he got in my bed I didn't protest, I just laid down passed out. 

Up quickly the next morning there was no snuggle time, which he mentioned that he missed. I sent him home with a bunch of food and went on with the day. 

The next week went by quickly, and by Friday I had heard from my pinball friend again, wanting to go out and play somewhere. Excited that I again had someone staying here to help with my mom, I went. 

We had a blast, but I felt like a bit of an idiot because I got super drunk and thought Id made a fool of myself. He said no, that I was fine, and we laughed it off. Oh to be 31 again...

The next week I got sick. REALLY sick. I was down for a week, during which time I had a lot of phone calls and Xbox conversations with Ray. "We need to start the video stuff back up, we need to hang out more. You can stay over at my house on the weekend now because Crystal is there " 

I was sick and focused on the state pinball tournament that was happening in a week, but I thought, yeah, why not. 

State tournament comes and goes. Bad news about the guy who bought my house (which I will cover at another time) sparked conversations about our time at Longshore. Memories...

The last weekend in January I spent mostly at home. Id been running around like crazy for weeks but I did end up spending Sunday with pinball friend. The week leading to it I met Ray for dinner. It was really nice. At some point the conversation turned to us, and other people. Months before, we talked about how we would handle seeing other people, and both agreed that when / if that time came we would tell the other before anything sexual happened, just as a courtesy, not asking permission.

So I said," have you seen anyone?"  Id asked him this question before, and his answer was the same. He was too busy, not in that frame of mind, completely in love with me, and always would be. My heart melted a little. 

He didn't ask me if I had. But I told him I would let him know just because its the nice thing to do, and honestly a part of me was inching towards trying again. Hanging out with a hot 31 year old makes you feel pretty lonely and old after a while. 

He walks me to my car, and says "why don't you come over and give me a back rub?" I thought about nit for 10 seconds, but it was late and I was tired so I said, "maybe another time" smiling, and hugged him hard. We parted with a small peck. 

I talked to him Friday. He had a leak that he thought was coming from outside and needed to "find out what it is" before telling his landlord. Those kinds of brush offs of responsibility with a house that's not his has always bugged me, so being a little irritated, I told him I had a Friday tournament to go to but we could catch up Saturday.  It didn't feel like a brush off, more like he's busy, I'm busy.  And after all, his weekends are his busiest work time so he has told me from the minute he started that job. 

Exhausted from Friday, I didn't do anything Saturday. He had sent me the daily "Good Morning" text and I had responded in kind. Nothing else that day. Sunday I got the Good Morning text again, and again I responded. Then I got invited to go to a new pinball place, so I spent the day playing pinball with the 31 year old... we really are just friends and that's totally fine. Any fantasies I may have had about hooking up with him are gone and that's OK too. Super tired, I went to bed pretty early Sunday night. I had not heard from Ray again all day but I said "Goodnight"

On Monday morning, I got the Good Morning around 9:00 AM.  Busy with the day, it was evening before I thought about calling him. I was about to start up the Xbox and see if he wanted to play. My phone was giving me trouble saying I needed to look at some unused apps, so I did. One of them was the doorbell camera he has on his front door. I had not looked at in a long time. I had to open it up in order to delete the cash or whatever it was wanting me to do, and that's when I saw it. Let me explain. When you open the app, there are a list of pictures below the live camera picture. One caught my eye. A shadow of someone with a coffee cup coming out the front door that morning with a dog on a leash. It was not something that I expected, so I looked at the video clip. 

OK, so there she is, whoever she is. She comes out and takes the dog for a pee break, then comes back in.

 I look at the time stamp. 9:30 AM  that morning. Maybe its to do with the leak?

Shes not the landlord, I've met her. I look at the rest of the stills from the day and dont see he again. Ray usually goes in and out the garage door which is no where in sight of that camera. 

I look at the day before, Easy, its all just small frames of when motion is detected.

Sunday morning...7:45 AM. There she is. The lady was wearing his pajama pants...that I bought him...taking what I assume is her dog out to pee, with coffee in one hand and a cigarette in another. 

A cigarette...

I get a better look at her face on this one. She looks vaguely familiar. 

Its her. The same woman he cheated on me with in 2021/2022....and now here she is again in 2023. Then I remembered what he had said about her the first time he denied being with her. He said she's too "bohemian", doesn't bathe, is hairy, is crazy, and smokes. 

Were we broken up. Yes. 

Were we even talking about getting back together? No. 

Was I upset in spite of all that? FUCK YES. 

Upset, angry, and experiencing that oh my god I really did waste another year and a half of my life with him feeling. again...fucking AGAIN. 

So I texted him. What if its something that just happened? If he comes clean about it, I can handle it. It still sucks and is really weird, but OK. 

Me -What did you do this weekend? 

Him - worked.

Me - Oh? Didn't do anything fun?

Him - Went to see Mike and Larry in a show Saturday night. It was a bunch of old people. ha ha

Me - Did you bring anyone home?

Him - From the class of 1970?? HAHA! 

Me -  How bout that lady with the dog and the cigarette I saw outside your house this morning and yesterday morning? 

Him - silence

I followed up telling him I knew it was her, and that the smoke smell  I had noticed a month ago was obviously her too. I told him I knew I had no right to be upset or jealous but I was. The lie is what I was mad at. The LIES LIES LIES. I told him I would never be able to trust him again and that I never wanted to talk to him again. I also said that I hoped he would stop saying such ugly things about her if he was going to be sleeping with her...cuz thats just low. 

That was it, and unlike every time before, he has not said a word back. I hope he doesn't. I need this to end once and for all. I do feel badly for her though. He really did talk about he in a very crappy way. Makes me wonder what hes said about me to her. 

I did get very upset that night. I cried and cried and cried. Not about losing him necessarily, but the time, my dignity, my years of life spent aging more and more, my hopes and dreams. My trust. Broken. All broken. 

It took a bomb like that to get Mike out of my heart...well his was actually worse, but lies are still lies. 

I'm glad I didn't write anything on New Years Eve. Im not saying I wont again, but the expectations I set for myself on that one day a year seem to fail me more than help me. 

A lot has gone on in between all of this stuff, but as per usual, I gotta get the bad stuff out. 

I will also mention, and not lightly, that the sudden passing of a friend on Thursday last week has once again gotten me thinking about the shortness of this life and what I need to do to get some sort of happiness out of what's left of it. 

Im now 53 rolling on 54. I met Ray when I was 48. That seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe part of letting him go needed to be this gradual. I would have preferred it not end with another betrayal though. Thats on him. At least this time I'm not heartbroken. Just very very disappointed. 

Heading to Close up the Past (written in May of 2023)

 Its been longer than I intended of course, but here I am.

I could fill in the past 4 months, but I need to talk about something thats happening today. 

Today, Elise and I are heading to The Big House. It will be the first time I set foot in it since my mid-twenties so what...25 + years? 

My Aunt Rebecca died a couple of months ago. Her passing was unexpected by us, although to those around her I don't think it was. My aunt lived in the house after my grandmother, Bigmama, died. My father took care of her in the best way he could, which was allowing her to stay in the family home while he kept it up from afar. 

My aunt was at best, "a little nutty". At worst, and likely more legitimate, she was extremely mentally ill. She thought people were out to get her, to hurt her or her dogs, or to steal from her. Because of this, she refused to allow workers in the house to fix things, and in spite of the thousands of dollars and hours of mental work my dad did over the years trying to keep the house in good condition, it has evidently ended up looking a bit like Grey Gardens. With ceilings caving in from unfixed leaks, and large dogs allowed to roam the house coupled with her own failing health, it is I'm told, in terrible shape. 

A month or so ago, Elise took our mom down to see it. She walked through it on facetime with me, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss. It really is in terrible shape. If I didn't know better Id say it looks a bit like squatters had been living in it.

That last time we were all there was when Bigmama died. It was in its best shape possible for that time. Still without central AC, my mom and dad made sure if something was broken, it got fixed. Bigmama being gone changed all that. Well, it changed the easy part, allowing people in to fix things stopped when she was gone. Allowing US in also stopped.

Years would go by, and each time we passed it going to the beach I would wonder what it looked like inside. My memories of this place run deep. It was, to me, our real home. We never actually lived there, but since we moved so much with dad in the army, we stayed there during the summer often. 

That was the routine. Move to a place for however long, a year, 2, the longest Alaska at 3. School ends, sell the house, pack it all up, go to the Big House and spend the summer with our cousins, swimming at Aunt Buddies pool down the street. Meanwhile dad would go ahead of us, find a house in a good school district, and then come get us when it was time. 

I remember so much about that place. Not always good memories but very consistent. Beth was the oldest so she was "in charge" which Bigmama went to work at the courthouse. It was a part time job but I could tell it was important to her. 

While she was at work, Beth would sequester herself into "The Purple Room" upstairs and read, while Elise, my cousin John and I would play. John and I were pretty close. We also used to pal around with my cousin TK, who lived next door. AT some point mid morning-ish we would all get ready for the pool. In my mind it seemed like a really long, hot walk to Aunt Buddies house, but well worth it. She was a happy woman that loved having us around, and their great big "movie star" type pool was my favorite place. 

Well, FAST FORWARD TO 2024- I never finished that post. We went , it was in horrible shape, and we busted ass cleaning and throwing things away for 2 days. I took some photos, then we left and I have not been back since. Elise went back several times wrapping things up to get ready to sell, and as of this wee (FEBRUARY 6 2024) its now finally on the market.  

I cred about it a lot. Memories of days long ago. Some good, some not so good. Bigger than that its just another part of my small family's roots that are being, well, ripped up. 

 

Moist January

 Every year I write about the horrors of the past year and the goals of the new one. Thankfully I dont have a lot of horrible to post about, and I think instead of writing about the goals that are always the same, I'll stay in the present and just get around the days as they come. 

Its the official start of making the changes...again. This time I'm including my mom, and Ray. We all have to do our part in helping each other get healthy so for my part, I am striving to stay in a positive head space, and also helping out mom with starting a food diary and a regular exercise routine. Something I need to do for myself as well, but that will be easier to do in this house with another person. We eat what I buy and cook so that part is on me. I did ask her to please stop buying thing that are tempting to me, but for this week or so, instead of food restrictions, we are working with Accountability and Routine. I also am not trying for "dry January" as I know my mental block of restrictions just make me want things worse so I'll say a "moist January" instead. Meaning a pretty decent cut back on the number of days of consumption and amount of consumption. 

Accountability: Just that. Be accountable for what you eat and drink. Document everything. 

Routine: Get one!! 

So today I am going to be getting an actual calendar started where I give myself daily tasks to do with work, exercise, and education. The goal being to make myself have a regular day like I used to have as in get up at 7, do the exercise, and set actual work hours where goals are expected to be met. 

Part of my routine will be keeping a gratefulness diary, which naturally I will put in here. 

Today I am grateful for having this new positive mindset.

I am grateful that mom is on board with our new "routine"

I am grateful that my body seems to be in good enough shape to exercise without pain.

I am grateful that I have support from so many directions. 

Ray is having a bad start to the year, waking up to more trouble with a family car, and I think he's really worried about money. I have offered mental support, which is the only thing I can really do. I know he has been depressed recently, and we talked about him going back to therapy with a new person. He is on board, so I will gently encourage that as well. 

No matter what is going on with him, I have to remind myself- "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!"

So that's what I'm doing. I'm off to exercise. I'm not creating lofty goals. For now, just walking into the gym and getting on the elliptical for 20-30 minutes is enough for me. If I do more, great. I will also not wait for Ray to join me. That's a battle I cant fight for him. He will get there, I just think he's going through a rough spot at the moment. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for him. 

Until then!