Full Moon Fever

Full moon.
They say..( you know...them) that people act differently under the spell of the full moon. Women's cycles are affected, the tides roll in and out based on it, and apparently Easter is scheduled around it too.
As for me, I have to say I do rip up things a bit on a full moon. Especially when it happens to fall on a Friday or Saturday. Somtimes I find myself being wild and crazy only to find out the following day that it was a full moon!

This Friday, today, I'm really in the mood to be bad.
Ive been pretty good all week. I mean I exercised Wednesday through Friday and twice on Thursday. ( following my new plan see...)
Ive been going to bed early every night getting a good nights sleep, and now I'm ready to release the beast!
I have a few dilemmas however.
One, I made tentative plans to go over to a friends house tonight, which on any other day would be fine, but I REALLY want to go out tonight.
Two, I am dieing to text Juan to see if he wants to hang out tonight but I'm afraid if I do I'll freak him out.
Three, well, I guess there's just the two.

Not a big deal. My plan is to meet my sister Beth after work at Trackside, where if nothing else I will get to flirt with, and possibly bag if the wind is right, the hot boy Ive been playing with from time to time since November.
God hes hot...
but I digress...
Last time I saw him he was all in my business, but that could have been just because he saw Juan and I hanging out. Hot boy tends to be a bit on the jealous side.
We'll see.

On a different note entirely, Id like to talk a bit about something that happened last Saturday night. Ive been thinking about writing about it all week and now I have it all together after a phone call I just got.

Scene: My house, Saturday night, cocktail party for Sams new job.
Players: Me, Andy, Jason, Beth, Sam, David and a few other minor supporting cast.
Oh forget that, here's what happened.
First a little background. For a while now Ive had a problem with David. I think if I look back in here I can find several times where Ive written about the problems with friends and the gossip and crap that goes on.
Well David has been pretty much right at the center of most of this for a few years now.
Because of this he and I have not been close at all. In fact I usually don't even invite him over at all, but due to recent events over Christmas Ive tried to be more open and just extend the olive branch, always with the caution never to say anything to him or in front of him that I might not want half of Decatur knowing the next day, and likely twisted into something completely different.
Keeping this in mind when the end of the night came and David and Sam were the last ones left I was not surprised when David cornered me about wanting to know whats been going on with this and that. I of course said pretty much nothing.....nothing of use anyway.
Then the conversation turned to Andy, and he proceeded to pretty much trash him to me in that he was trying to make me believe Andy betrays all the things I tell him or hold him in confidence for.
There were a few things he said that I know Andy must have told him, but in the interest of fairness I told David that I would just ask Andy about it all the next day.

Well, I ended up waiting a few days, letting it marinate and then I wrote Andy. I told him what had gone on and he got very upset. Not with me, with David. So in the last few days apparently Sam, who was there at the time and Andy, who I told the whole story to, have both had a little talk with David.
David doesn't remember a thing. Apparently too much wine and not enough food.
So a few minutes ago I get a phone call from David apologizing for the things he said about Andy.
Also, he was concerned that I had told him (Andy), or anyone about a few other things he confided in me about. ( this was a first)
I assured him that I had kept my mouth shut, which I have, and that I appreciated his call about the Andy business.

Here's the thing though,
I know some of what he was saying, drunk or sober was true about Andy, my very best friend. I know this because there were things repeated back to me that I only said to him.
Also, I knew, and asked David at the time all this was being discusses if he was just trying to "stir the pot", and he assured me he was not.
Bullshit. Drunk he might have been, but changed..nope.
So I'm left with a little less trust in my best friend but certainly no less love, and a confirmation that people really never change, and I would be a wise woman to watch my back.

Spring has Sprung?

Its freezing...and its the first day of Spring here in the new "Old South".
The only way I can tell its Spring so far is I'm sneezing a lot and my eyes wont stop watering. Could be the lovely polluted Atlanta air, or could be that there are little flowers and plants blooming all over the place.
Tomorrow its supposed to get up to 71 Degrees Mmmmm patio weather!

I'm feeling frisky and happy today.
I went home yesterday and worked out, even using my weights for the first time in a long while. I also got up this morning and did it again. Well not the weights, just the treadmill.
I plan to go home and do it yet again after work.

Here's what Id like my schedule to be:

Monday off
Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday; Treadmill Am & Pm with additional weight work in the PM.
Friday Treadmill Am
Saturday & Sunday; treadmill once with additional weight work at least one of the 2 days.

That's giving me 3 days of treadmill once a day, 3 days of treadmill 2 times a day, and 4 days of weight work.

I bet if I can MAKE myself stick to this schedule I'll start dropping weight in 2 weeks.

One thing I am going to have to do it slow down on the weekend partying. The week days I really have finally settled in to a routine where no drinking or going out is fine, and welcome in fact.
The past few weekends, however, have been one day after another of plans and going out or having people over.
While I am thankful for all the activity and fun and friends....and boys ;) I think I need to cut it back to one night in at least.
Sundays I'm usually in, but the past 2 weeks I haven't been and that's been killing me Monday mornings.
Actually, I already have plans this whole weekend too! UGH!
Sometimes I just need alone ME time where I can decompress and chill. You would think week days being alone would do it, but it really doesn't. Not for me.
I really enjoy having one weekend night where I can sit back with a nice bottle ( or 2 ) of wine, a couple of good movies and just me.
I don't even like to talk on the phone on those nights.

As for the new routine, God help me I really want this. Its so funny to me too, because as Ive said I don't know HOW many times, working out like this makes me feel GREAT. So what is it that drags me away from what so obviously makes me feel GREAT?
I don't know.
i do know I want too many things in life that I'm just not going to get until I get this under control. Weight is life.

So tonight will be my first 2-a-day. Will I do it? We'll see. looking back on this blog I see many many days that Ive set goals for myself that I have yet to reach.

Inspiration. Where are you?

Lazy Daisy

God its been almost a month since Ive posted anything.
No one reads this I know, but its kind of neat to look back and see what I was doing a year ago. I know I could be using a diary but for some reason this is better to me. I don't know why. Maybe its the fact that even though I know no one reads this the chance is still there.
I know my entries are boring a lot and pretty much run in circles of partying, weight loss, men and friends, but hey that's my life.

Speaking of men, the bad boys club is alive and kicking in my life. The super hottie that Ive been playing with since Thanksgiving is sniffing around again.
Geez its like I get over him and then he comes back in, looking like the devil himself. Hot and dangerous!!!
One bright spot with another guy is Juan. Hes the one I wrote about back in August that Ive known for so long and have been on and off fooling around in the last 10 years more times that I can say.
Well I'm not sure whats happening exactly but last weekend we had a long talk about us. Our history and finally at some point he said, What do you think you might want with me? And I decided to just say it. Screw it, right?
SO I said OK, Well, I think Id like to try to really date you. Wed talked about it years ago, and I was a lot thinner then so I figured his sporadic interest in the last years were due to that. He said he thought I was very attractive now.
Humming inside!! I don't want to get my hopes up again, and there is still the issue with Ben - super hottie - trouble maker, but if Juan is serious I think I'll know soon enough.
One thing Ive learned about men. If they want something to do with you they generally make it known.
In other words ladies, if you have someone in your life that your questioning, most likely, hes just not that into you!!
I hope this time I'm not going to get the wind knocked out of me.
I hope this time hes going to follow through.
I hope I can do this and see really what its like to be with someone you really find physically attractive.
I hope!

Getting well

UGH! Im getting over the flu. I hate being sick and this one was a whopper! Im still coughing up little green slimy things....I know TMI!

The worst part is I was on a ROLL last week when this hit me and I havent exercised in a week now. Im going to try and make myself get on the treadmill after work today for a light session. I need it!

I seem to be more inspired to eat better and exercise in sipte of the bad news I recently recieved, which is a good thing. I just Have to get my ass out of bed in the morning! Its amazing how fast you can get out of that habit. ( much faster than you can get IN the habit for sure!)

I guess becasue Ive never been a morning person. I mean NEVER!
I know, you can train yourself to get up, blah blah, and I get it. Thats all true, but I still can stay up all night on the weekends much easier than I can claw my way out from under the covers at 5:30AM even with a good nights sleep.

So god help me I will be trolling away this afternoon, and with a litle luck tomorrow morning I will make the change back to getting up at that painful hour again.

LUCK TO ME!

New Week New Attitude?

OK so I threw myself a pitty party last week, and now I feel better. Am I happy that I now know for sure that I will be fat forever and any weight loss I have will come with more hard work that a "normal" person and never be enough to be considered "normal"?
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.

Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.

I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.

Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.

Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.

Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.

OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.

Wish me luck.

Bad News

So I just came from my endocrinologist and he finally told me what I've suspected all my life about my weight.

He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"

...Stunned silence....

I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."

Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.

I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.

Im not sure how I feel about it.

I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.


Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.

Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.

Kind of makes me cry.

All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.

He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!

I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.

How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...

Yeah, this a bad day.

Super Sunday

Just got off the treadmill and feeling great!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!