August Sucks

 Well here I am again. 

August seems to be a bad month for me and Ray because were broken up again and it was literally almost to the day a year ago that we broke up the first time.

Actually I don’t even KNOW if were broken up but my best guess is that we are.

An argument that we had in February came back full circle in that at that time, I was very mad and told him to “get out”, which he couldn’t do in the middle of the night anyway, but the next day he told me that I couldn’t tell him to leave every time I felt that “fight or flight” thing that I’ve talked about before. I told him at that time that I knew I’d been wrong to say that and I would never say it again unless I really meant it.

Sunday morning, I meant it.

I still don’t understand how he came to the conclusions he did that lead to all this, but I haven’t talked to him since he walked out, and the whole reason I told him, “if you choose to leave now instead of talking about this I don’t think you should come back” was because of just that. We needed to talk it out and he refused. This time it was HIS fight or flight, only when I said that, I saw it in his eyes that it was over for him. Id hurt him, or stung him, or betrayed him in that way again and he was out the door.

Here’s the thing though, when someone you love is causing issues that don’t have to be there simply because they are trying to make a point, and there is NO talking to them about it because they WILL NOT see any point of view but their own, you DO want them to just get out. And stay out.

It still seems to be unreal to me, and I have my reservations about if it’s going to stick, but I think this time it will, if for no other reason than he’s going to say that I broke my promise. But I didn’t, because I meant it, and I knew when I said it that it might end us but I really didn’t see any other way.

So here I sit today, after packing up his things and setting them all on the dining room table, writing this down and trying to make sense of it.

We had a fight, because HE had a fight with another dude at a birthday gathering (social distancing in place and everyone outside) about politics. Before even going up there I specifically asked him NOT to talk about politics, knowing that his opinions are not popular with the folks that were going to be there, and it seemed that it was all going along fine…until it wasn’t.

When it happened, it was so fast my old fight or flight actually did come into play because my immediate response was to say, “OK were leaving”. He acted like it was all OK when it clearly wasn’t, so I got up and said “well Im leaving so come or not”. He did come of course, and honestly what I thought was a conversation about why he had to engage in that knowing the likely outcome, turned into him thinking I was defending this other guy, (NOT true, he’s just as guilty as Ray…they were BOTH being jerks…period), and not being supportive of him, which actually upset me more than pissed me off, and we went round and round. Me trying to be heard, him talking over me to the point that I just started to cry and said that he was just like my family, running over me and not letting me get out what I needed to say. (they do that a lot)

He went to bed, I stayed up and hour, and went in hoping that he’d cooled off and we could just let it go and talk about it in the morning, but I got the cold shoulder and he said he was mad at me. Then I got mad, and got up to go sleep in the den.

Why would I want to lay next to someone who was mad at me for no reason? But then I remembered I’d been nursing a bad back all week so I paused, and he said ”I’ll go sleep on the couch”, and I said “fine”. A response that he evidently took as me “throwing him out of the bedroom”, because that’s what he said as he was gathering his stuff at the first light of day.

“Are you LEAVING??” I asked.

“YEP” he said

“What?? Why???” I said, waking up and getting out of bed

“You threw me out of the bedroom AND you weren’t supporting me last night.” He snapped.

“WHAT??? I was supporting you by getting you OUT of there!” I said…voice getting a little louder, but never yelling.

In the den now…”I will NOT be yelled at” he said

“Im NOT yelling at you Ray, but sometimes it feels like I do need to raise my voice for you to hear me.”

“Yes you are..” he said, still gathering his stuff…”GO BACK TO BED”..

Then I said it. “Ray, I can’t believe you are leaving…. We need to talk about this…” (no response.) “I love you, and I think you leaving is a huge mistake”, (nothing)….”I think ….If you choose to leave I don’t think you should come back”…I said...not even raising my voice.

“There you go…” he said, and left.

It was a split second decision that I made, saying that, and yes I knew as I was saying it that I HAD to mean it, because he wouldn’t come back…ever. More so that I really DON’T want him to come back. Ever, at least not that version of him.

All day I went from being mad to crying but never once did I regret what Id said.

Today, packing up his things, my heart is hurting and I wish we had just never gone to the party, but that wouldn’t change the fact that there is a part of him that I really DON’T want to come back.

It’s the part that I broke up with a year ago, that he swore he was working on, but is still very much there. Also, there have been underlying issues that have steadily been building inside me that I have tried to talk to him about, but he’s got no answers for. Ironically, they revolve principally about me feeling like he’s not being supportive of ME, and of all the decisions and changes I'm having to make.

It’s about him not listening to me...literally just sitting there while I say things until I realize, he’s actually NOT listening.

It’s about him making little to no effort to make himself better in ways that are both physical and mental, something I have mentioned in passing but NOT talked to him about because I know I’ve gained weight (pandemic bloat), been drinking too much too often, and eating the wrong things, but I also ALWAYS try to look nice…fix my hair…put on makeup…And do things for HIM…keep the house nice…cook…send food home with him so he’s not having to eat garbage so much.

I know I am sensitive about weight and looks too, and he’d never say anything about that to me, so respectfully to him I gave the same pass knowing he’s unhappy about his (what I consider small but understand for him is big) weight gain and no, were not going out so no need to get dressed up on the weekends, and haircuts are risky as well as money that’s not really a necessity at the moment. And also, I have been trying. I mean REALLY trying to get myself back in shape, and he won’t even go for a walk. I feel like it would be so easy for him if he just would make a small effort. Then he makes me feel guilty for serving bread with dinner (only on the weekends!) when he’s going out and eating Burger King! To be fair, he’s never EVER criticized me for weight gain or looks in any way, but it would also be nice to hear him say I look nice once in a while. I am constantly telling him how cute he is and such…because he IS, and weight gain or not I think he’s a very attractive man.

In fact one of the other current frustrations to add to the pile has been the fact that I’ve been working out so hard almost daily for so long now and had FINALLY gotten the scale to edge down enough to really know Id broken that plateau that I fight with constantly. Then my back goes out and Im off exercise and on my butt for 10 days now, and guess what? I’ve gained every ounce of it back in one friggin’ week. Today is the first day that I think I can try a light elliptical, which I had intended to do earlier, but now it’s 5:30 PM, Im depressed, my work week has once again fallen apart..(oh yeah that was the other thing last week.. it was the first week since March that I actually had a real almost entirely booked week, and 4 of the 5 jobs had to go to another photographer instead of waiting for me to get better so I lost all those jobs!) So it’s probably not happening today.

The bottom line is I’ve been a wreck but I'm still TRYING. Depressed beyond belief, and trying to hold on to a possible future with a man that can’t even tell me that he even THINKS about us and “our” future. He’s living for today only and using the Pandemic as an excuse, but that’s exactly where he was a year ago too. No Pandemic to blame that on.

I’ve had many thoughts about this. Is he still taking his meds consistently? I don’t know…I never SEE him do it, and I trust him, so I don’t know, and don’t ask. I DO know he stopped his therapy back in I think January. Not on purpose...they moved the lady he was working with (and doing GREAT with!) to another location and he was sort of non-plus about the guy he got stuck with so between that and Covid hitting it just went out the window.

He won’t talk to me about what may or may not be going on in his head, and on the few occasions I’ve asked him about how he’s doing in that department, he gets defensive with me so I just don’t ask anymore.

I feel like I’ve been watching him slowly slip away for months now. Granted the Covid situation has not helped anything for either of us, and many of the strongest relationships are being tested at this moment in time, but if you can’t communicate with someone, you can’t get anywhere. You can’t solve problems. You can’t move forward. Period.

 We were working on ourselves and each other and it’s all come to a screeching halt along with pretty much every other “normal” aspect of life, all because of some crazy virus that’s ripped up the world…that and a governmental nightmare that just seems to get worse day by day. So yeah, there is a TON of shit going on, and I get it...he’s not a “talker” by nature, but he could try. If he wanted to save us…if nothing else…save US…he could try. He could talk to me…not AT me, and he could LISTEN to me...actually let me finish a sentence. Yeah that would be great.

Reading this back through I am sad.

Just sad.

I wanted to have a life with this man. I love him. You can’t turn that off overnight, and even with all the shit he’s got in his head, I’d be willing to work things out if he could just realize that this time he was really wrong. He owes me an apology. He owes US an apology. Not for the fight at the party…well yeah maybe for that too, but I really don’t care so much about that as much as why it happened….because it totally could have been avoided. He , (it appeared anyway) WANTED to get this rage reaction out of this other guy so he just kept poking the bear. Why do that?? WHY???

And then the aftermath that lead to him leaving the next morning. The yelling at ME…which he did…saying “If you want to go have Shane as your boyfriend go right ahead!”, because he thought I was defending Shane, and I wasn’t. I was trying to tell him they were BOTH in the wrong. I could give a shit about Shane, and frankly have zero intentions of hanging out with him ever again because of this, but Ray didn’t…..Wouldn’t… hear that.   So yeah...I am owed a great big apology, and I simply don’t see that happening.

Sad…so very sad. I love you Ray. I wish we could fix this. My heart is breaking…again.

The Forgotten... FINALLY!

 It finally happened. 

Today is July 25th. Last night I was at moms house. She had a procedure for her back a few days ago and I was staying with her. It was Friday night and she’d gone to bed. I was texting with Anne in NYC. All this crazy Carona virus crap mixed with political crap mixed with everything else that can possibly be bad seems like.

Then it happened. She said, “yesterday was Vics' birthday and.....” 

I didn’t read any further. At that moment I realized I had forgotten Mike D's birthday.

For the first time since I met him 8 years ago I didn’t remember it. Vic and he share the same birthday so the second she texted that and I read it I remembered.

He’s 45 now, and has a daughter that’s about to turn 3, and I assume still a wife that he’s been married to for almost 4 years. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that final horrible day in January of 2018.

I thought it would never happen. I mean yes, I have taken note that I have finally had days where I realize that he has not crossed my mind, but every year on that day...HIS day...I think about him. Well, thought about him.

But this time I forgot. I mean I just literally didn’t even have a hint of thought about it.

Finally.

If I have anything to be happy about right now....cause there ain’t much else....that’s a keeper.

Another Day, Another Fight

Today the Mayor of Atlanta, Keisha Lance Bottoms ( I feel like I always have to say her entire name - its a grand one!), is going head to head in court against our idiot Governor , Kemp, (just his last name is sufficient...also, its sounds like wimp!), on the issue of state mandated face masks.

Mayor  Keisha Lance Bottoms issued a city wide face mask mandate and also rolled back some of the openings that the Governor said were OK to do because we are as a state spiking in cases of Covid 19, particularly in the City of Atlanta. The Governor decided to tell the world that no, its not a mandate that she can enforce and that he does not intend to make it one state wide. Basically  making the businesses themselves be responsible for enforcing something that will keep their employees safer and the public in general. Meanwhile the mayor of Savannah did the same thing as Bottoms weeks ago and did not receive this reaction by Kemp. If he ( the mayor of Savannah) was white Id scream racist, but hes not. Hes black, so my only thought can be that he (Kemp) just doesn't want to be publicly contradicted, right or wrong, which is BS. Hes more concerned with the economy than the lives of his citizens. 

Its so frustrating. 

Meanwhile, I am feeling a little "Va-cay-Shamed". I read a post my dear friend in NYC made right after I sent her an email (I think back in June, when I was in a bad way and trying to find some normalcy) about possibly going to Florida in August, assuming things were OK to do so. I tossed the idea about 10 minutes later because I realized it was going to be impossible. 

Then yesterday I read this post. Very well written (of course, shes a genius!:)) and its not like she was directly saying I was a selfish, unaware, idiot, but its sure how it made me feel. 

I've talked to my friend since she wrote it but I had not read it until yesterday. 

The post, again, not calling me out as being stupid, but yeah, maybe a little unaware, not taking Covid seriously, and being a little selfish wanting to go on vacation. All of which could not be further from the truth. 

My world is shattered right now, just like so may others. No work to speak of, and no end in  sight. Watching the country fall apart little by little each day. Watching people who used to be friends part ways over social media posts. Trying to manage myself and my household. Turning 50 in the middle of it all, which pretty much everyone that calls themselves my friend actually forgot about. (totally understandable but still..) Trying to figure out this move to my moms house, which is THE most stressful thing under the best circumstances. Seeing money go out and not come in, and with the pandemic unemployment ending this week what I've got I hope to stretch out as long as possible, and hoping that my business will pick up again sooner than later, but knowing the reality is probably not. Watching my body swell and fighting it every step of the way but still losing. 

So having a fleeting thought about going to the beach...well, yes a bad idea that was never going to happen, but I really didn't know how it came off as such a self centered, unaware idea. 

To be clear, I don't think my friend meant to make me feel bad about it, but thats the way it reads to me, so there it is. Ill talk to her about it, because I love her and I know she didnt mean to make me feel bad, but people these days are taking all kinds of things and making them huge. Or maybe they are already huge and just have not been dealt with before. 

I know the climate dealing with race issues is as hot as its ever been, and she in particular I believe has a unique perspective that most others people that I know dont  have. Shes white, college educated, came from a middle class family, and her boyfriend (who is AWESOME!!) is black, and has a totally different background. None the less, they complement each other completely. 

Frankly I have never given their relationship a thought as far as race goes. I just dont think that way, but I know some people do. Saddly the world is still harboring race as an issue in areas I was totally unaware of. 

This same friend has sent me a few things to read about that subject that I found very interesting and enlightening. 

At any rate, it’s tough for everyone in many ways, but certainly worse on some, and although I am not among the worst by far, I am struggling with my own day to day life, and I don’t feel like just because mine is not as bad as someone else that I don’t have a right to feel bad about it. It’s my reality after all. That being said of course I think vacation now is not a good idea, even though we all need it. I guess the world needs one but it’s not going to get it either.

COVID FOREVER!!

It feels like this pandemic will never end. Just when you feel like things are starting to get back to some kind of "normal", the numbers are rising again, and people are ignoring the face mask rule.

I guess thats part of the problem. Its not really a "rule" its a suggestion...a recommendation.

People like my mom who I know has been getting out more than she should think they are not necessary, but why risk it? Why risk OTHERS lives just because you don't want to wear a mask?

It sucks..its hot, you cant breathe, and mine is making my face break out, but its the only thing I can do when out in public to help.

If you HAVE to go out, which you do now since the re-opening whether you want to or not, just wear a damn mask people!

I have had a few stray shoots. Struggling along like this is not good for my wallet, or my mind. I have been pretty good the past few weeks about keeping on track, but as previous posts show, its not consistent. Well, sort of. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

June last year was oddly very similar to this one. I saw Ray on my birthday weekend but have not seen him since. His test finally came back  - negative - thank God, but he still thinks hes got it. I set up a second test for tomorrow so I hope he takes it. Hes still sick, or says he still feels bad anyway, so really I shouldn't see him until that stops either way.
This means at least another week since Ill be heading back to moms in a couple of days for the 4th.

God, half a year is gone already. Saturated with COVID19, riots, protests, and general unhappiness. I dont see the next half getting much better. In fact I feel like its probably going to get worse.
Businesses that have been forced to re-open to save the states bottom line are going to end up having to close again, and when they do, it seems unlikely that they will all return.

So many are lucky to have work at home jobs, but even those companies are cutting the fat. My sister had to lay off a slew of folks...all in their 50s...for "the good of the company", which Im sure is true. It does make me wonder, however, if they laid of one CEO or just reduced the huge fat salaries of the super high ups, if they could do some training (supposedly these folks are not up on the new tech), and save some of these jobs. Jobs people evidently had had for 30+ years.

These are the folks that wont be getting their jobs back at that level anywhere else. These are the folks that have worked hard, for the same company for years, and had plans. Life plans of retirwment that will never come to pass now.
Its awful.

This year is grim indeed.

Trying to be positive.

Trying...

The Struggle Continues

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting myself for my own life.

Day by day I do things to help myself, then hurt myself through eating badly but exercising, or not.

I'm "good" one day...even several days in a row...then I blow it out off the water over the weekend, and often on Mondays, as my work has still not picked up again, so my weekends seem to bleed over.

Like right now. its 8:25 AM and I'm supposed to be training in 35 minutes, so typically Id be heading to the elliptical right now, but I'm barely awake. I stayed up until midnight, had a party by myself, and now I'm tired and in no shape to jump on the exercise train.

Oh Ill push through it, and that will probably be the best thing about today.

I don't understand why I sabotage myself constantly.

It runs in cycles. I get sick of my behavior, or get on the scale and freak out, then I throw away all (mostly) the bad food in the house, and have a few good days, then I go to the store, (or in todays world order through Instacart), and buy it all over again.

Instacart....  Now theres a business that I'm glad was NOT in business back in the days of my REALLY bad days. If I could have not left the house and had anything I wanted from the grocery store delivered to me? No shame...no eyes of judgement peering into your cart (is she REALLY going to buy THAT??) ...Lord...I would probably never have lost weight.

I still don't buy a ton of garbage, even when I'm not the one shopping for it. I still steer away from buying sweets and even a lot of bread. I rarely make rice, and its only when I have Ray or "company" over. I don't eat beans, or potatoes regularly, and I haven't touched fast food in so many years I cant really remember when I had it. Seems like there was a Wendys moment a few years back that made me really ill...but maybe longer than that. OH! In 2018 on the ride to the beach Anne and Vic had gotten Chick-fil-a nuggets and I ate one! So thats it. Wait...also last year I had a salad, twice, from Zaxbys with grilled chicken on it . Ray LOVES Zalads and I had a night shoot so we got that for dinner. AT least it was a salad and I could see the calories before buying it. I dont really count that as fast food.

No, my issues are in the snack isle. Baked chips...yes BAKED...so not as "bad" but not good. Lets face it, nothing is good that you eat a whole bag of. Or my popcorn. Air popped but sprayed with butter flavor Pam (probably spraying cancer on my popcorn!), sprinkled with the salty -lord knows what its made of- "butter" and white cheddar popcorn seasoning, and drizzled with black truffle olive oil.

Man I could just eat that for hours. And sometimes I do.

So yeah, self sabotage is a huge issue. My 1% step back that I seem to take every week.

Gotta pause, Training time.....



Its now 1:15 PM. I had my training session but was too out of it to get on my elliptical in time to do any good before hand.

I've been in training now for 3 months to the tune of $1,200. Whats killing me is that I NEED it, but I cant afford it.

Even if my work was going well that would be a stretch. Yes I can go into debt but I am trying very hard not to. I don't have the money to dig myself out of it and the last thing I want is to end up where I was in 2016.

Has it done any good? Yes. I can tell some in my physical ability to do things, but my weight loss is very small, and I gained some back over the birthday weekend so I'm fighting that back off again. The main thing its doing is forcing regular exercise upon me, which I desperately need. The daily motivation I had at the gym in February comes and goes, so having an appointment like that is a huge help. Its just frustrating because again, I feel like for all the efforts I make I'm just screwing it up.

Attitude is key, but its very hard to have a positive outlook when everything is just so messed up. Each day looking for good things is getting harder and harder.
I know I'm very fortunate, and that there are plenty of people in far worse circumstances than I am, but as I have always said, my issues are MY ISSUES, and just because they arent being chased by a tiger or being homeless doesn't make them irrelevant.

I do need to continue the fight for positive thinking though. My Dark Side is so easily awakened.

Its dark here today. Gloomy in fact. The shoot I had cancelled so Im sitting here doing this when I should be learning how to do video walk through shooting. Ugh...I AM NOT A VIDEO-OGRAPHER!!! For the second time I've invested money I don't have into equipment I still cant seem to be able to use. It is better than the first attempt but its still in the "development phase", so its not doing me any good.

This is a work day though, so I guess the one positive thing I can do for myself today is suck it up and try to learn more about it. The sooner I do the sooner I can actually use it. Ray has even generously offered to do the editing on them, so I just need to learn to shoot them. Its not as easy as one might think.

Never stop learning though, right?

OK. Ill stop now. Im just going to be crabby today I guess.

Oh, did I mention I had a COVID19 test last Friday? Yep. It was negative thankfully, but Ray has been sick for a week and even though it doesn't sound bad over the phone, he says he feels really bad, so we both got tested Friday. His results have yet to come back.

My moms birthday dinner at the country club is Saturday and I was really hoping this year Id be with Ray for it. Looks like that is not going to happen.There is a small suspicious part of me that creeps in saying hes just faking this so he can get out of going, but I know thats not true.
That evil little voice is the same one that tells me its OK to eat Pizza and not exercise, so yeah, pretty sure it is not to be trusted. 

Well, Im off to "learn". Tomorrow is another day.

First Day in my new Box

Years ago I as watching a show called Sex in the City, and one of the characters turned 50 during the run of the season. They addressed all kinds of female issues throughout the run of the show, but I remember the “Samantha “ episode because she was literally the hottest looking woman on the show, but also the oldest. So when they not only addressed Menopause, but breast cancer with her character I found it interesting, and wondered what I’d be doing when I turned 50.

Seattle Washington has an area of people that have set up their own state? Is this the beginning of the literal end? America has not seen civil war in a very very long time. We’ve been rather privileged in that way compared to the rest of the world, but I think our time may have come.

I’m in bed. It’s 2:00 am. Officially in 50 category. I just ...I just have nothing to add . The world is falling apart.

I fear for my loved ones, my friends, and myself. Things are really about to get biblical. Happy birthday to me.

12:01 AM - I’m 50...

Technically I’m not until 5:23am, but yeah...I’m 50.
I’m upstairs in the den at my parents house. Mom just went to bed. We were watching Bugs Bunny cartoons that my love uploaded to his Plex account for me. It’s one of the rare things we can both watch without me having to think through the language or subject matter. Bugs Bunny is a universal offender and defender at the same time. I’ve definitely decided...Bugs Bunny for president!

Ugh...the world.

So I’m 50. Fuck...I’m actually 50.

“How old are you?”...”ummm...50...”

I wish Ray was here. Or I was with him. In his world.

The world keeps getting worse by the day. States are literally considering making the police a non thing...as in no police...

In my neighborhood that would mean total chaos. Murder, robbery, rape, fires, looting. Yup.

I feel like we are literally witnessing the end of days. Who knew I’d be alive for that. No one ever thinks they will be. It’s always, “ you never know”, then you go to work and play and life goes on, but life is not going on anymore.

I know I said I’m going to go for the positive so here goes.

I’m 50. So yeah I said before that I’d never see 50 and here I am. Not only am I actually alive, but I have my own business (albeit struggling right now) , I’m still not as heavy or out of shape as I once was, and yes, it’s still so much more than I was last year but I have noticed a small improving trend in the last month of losing 1 lb a week solid. I lose a chunk then gain some back, but overall I keep one small pound off.
On the positive side, if I keep that up, I’ll lose 52 pounds in a year, which would put me way past my goal.

Positive- I spent the afternoon at the pool. Yes it was only because I had no work, but it was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect, and the sky was so blue it almost looked periwinkle. Plus I get to do it again tomorrow.

Positive- I have a training session tomorrow and even though I thought about canceling, I realized that I need it, and want it, I kind of wish it was with Lieanne and not the new guy, Mike ( lord why did he have to have that name), but he’s good and has new ideas, and maybe I need that change.

Change, after all, is very hard for most people. I admit I am very resistant to change in general, even though I desire change for myself in general. It really makes no sense. You literally can’t have the cake and eat it too if you want to lose weight and be in better shape.

I hope this year i will have better grasp with change, a better way of communicating, and a higher lever of tolerance when things don’t go my way.

I want to listen more and talk less. Or at least more thoughtfully.

I want to let go of some things in my past that I know still hold me back in my life.

I want to trade in a little bad for a little good in my day to day lifestyle.

I want to sell my house, and move up here permanently.

I want Ray to let me in more and hopefully make things permanent, officially, as in, I hope within this year he asks me to marry him.

God even writing that feels weird.

There’s more to say, but it’s 12:43 AM and I’m tired..and old...

I’m 50.