Back to the Black

 Sometimes I don't know why I even get up in the morning. 

That last post yet again was full of hope, but anyone can see underneath is a train wreck. 

The night was fun with Anne and Vic, but R was weird a few times and even though Id said that we "connected " the night before it was pretty much ruined by the way he acted the next morning. 

R left pretty early on Tuesday. Not surprising, and totally fine. That night, after thinking about it non stop all day, I told him that I thought I needed a couple of weeks to myself to get my schedule and routine back on track. He didn't take it well. I even told him it didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to him at all, I just needed to not have the weekend interruptions of sleep and whatever else. 

The next day I thought about it again. Maybe I panicked, I'm not sure, but I told him I was sorry and should have talked to him about it first, and that I didn't really want to not see him but that I could understand if he was pissed so I left the ball in his court to decide if he wanted to come over. 

I initiated texts and got short responses if any at all, and by the first part of this past week I was just over it. Id also gotten some pretty devastating news about my back after seeing a Dr, and tried to text him about it but he wasn't even curious enough about it to ask me what was wrong. This made me mad. REALLY mad. So when he asked me to play Diablo with him one evening last week, and I begrudgingly did, I recognized the problem I was having. Anger, frustration, and just plan disappointment is what I feel when I talk to him. 

Why am I angry? Am I angry at him? Is this just me being unreasonable yet again according to him? 

I'm angry...not with R but with myself, and no, its not unreasonable, its a cry for help that I have got to listen to from my very soul. Its telling me to get out. Its telling me this is not working, has NEVER worked, and never will. Its telling me that ever since I met this man in 2019 my life has been on a slow decline of self esteem, work ethic, self care, and self confidence. 

There's a lot of "self" in that I get it. Is that SELFISH? Maybe so, but I'm at the point where I need a life raft badly and no one is going to throw me one so I have to save myself. 

The last 2 years especially with the pandemic, moving, my work drifting away, my friends being mostly absent (just living their own lives, not in a bad way), and now having the new year come in the way it has with sad news and new physical and mental issues, has been way way too much. With all that heaped on top of an already struggling relationship, I just cant anymore. I must save myself. 

I MUST be selfish.

I did give this a lot of thought. I even talked to my mom about it, which I didn't really want to do but she lives here too so its really only fair to get her real opinion of R. Turns out she's not really a fan. She doesn't NOT like him, its more the way he treats me, she said. 

She told me the fact that he's never introduced me to his family makes her think that he's ashamed of me, and I said , "you know what? That's how it makes me feel too." That was really it. That feeling I've had from the beginning that this is somehow a sham, or that I'm being manipulated to bend to the way he wants things to be. Maybe all of that is just my general mistrust of people, but after almost 3 years, I should trust him, and the bottom line is, I don't. 

My hesitation on ending it permanently is the same as its always been, especially since moving up here. I'm sliding into 52, I live with my mom, and at the moment I'm not even working, AND now to boot I've got to deal with potential back surgery and god knows what else. So yeah, I fear...REALLY fear that if I break it off with him Ill be alone the rest of my life. Its a real, and valid fear. What about the way you feel about him you ask? Well that's difficult too, because I really do care for him. Love him even in some ways, but I default to the thought that we were never meant to be more than friends. 

Our personal relations are just bad. There's no other way to say it, and even after this last attempt in the fall to talk to him about it, and work on it, at the first opportunity it went right back to his old way of doing things, or NOT doing things I should say. 

So on Wednesday, when I texted him asking if he'd made any decisions about coming over he said he was playing by my rules, yet again, putting it off on me, and I snapped. 

Did he just IGNORE the part where I said I was sorry and that I really didn't want to be without him and was leaving it up to him? No, he was just punishing me. I'm sure I did hurt him. I'm sure he is tired of all this, and I am too, but when we did finally talk about my new back issues, he said he would be here for me, and I thought to myself..."you mean like you were when I broke my elbows?" Because he wasn't, at all. Not until it was convenient for him to be here. 

One of the things that happened that Monday night when Anne and Vic were here was me having these thoughts after Vic told us about how when Anne fell at work and she called him he couldn't get there fast enough. Since my accident, I have thought many times about how after I managed to get back to my car, and called him, that I asked him...begged him really...to come help me, and is response was, "I'm an hour away". So in horrible pain, and crying I managed to drive myself home then spent the next 6 hours in the ER with my 82 year old mom, who had absolutely no business being there especially with the Covid risk. Hell, he didn't even call me, or even text me. I had to text him and let him know what was going on. Then the next 2 days were the absolute worst trying to figure out how to even wipe my own ass, but he didn't come until Friday afternoon...just like usual. That was also the weekend that I just cried in frustration because his lazy ass just sat there while I tried to prepare dinner and clean up. 

So when I thought about all this, and the new issues at hand, and the way he was punishing me...kicking me when I am down really is more accurate, I snapped.

Oh I've snapped before, but this time was different. I didn't blame him, I didn't tell him what a jerk he was being. I texted him back and told him he was right, I was the problem, not him. I told him I was sorry that he had wasted all this time with me, and this was all my fault, 100%.  He told me I was being an ass hole and a few other really not nice things. I didn't respond. 2 days later when i was on line playing Diablo, he texted me that he would join me. I simply sent him back the texts he had sent me. His response? "I guess I could have worded that differently." Not Sorry...so basically just a different way of saying Fuck You? No thanks. 

Then next morning I packed up all his things and they are currently residing in my car. I haven't heard from him since that last text and I haven't reached out. Truthfully it hurts my heart to think this is really the end. I care for him like I said, I even have love for him and I honestly cant imagine him out of my life. Hell, I have spent 3 years with the man, but I have to remind myself that its been a very hard 3 years and my life is a mess partially because of it. I'm not blaming him for my messes, I am simply realizing that I have a lot of things to fix within myself, both physical and mental, and I don't have room for it anymore. Its too much. Its taken over and the other things have been sorely neglected. The last 2 weeks without him I have been sad, but I'm almost relieved too. I have only myself to be accountable for, and I have only myself to blame if I fail at what looks' to be a very hard road ahead. 

If I thought for a second that I really could fix this between us Id never stop trying, but its been the same thing over and over and its getting worse instead of better. Meanwhile I'm 3 year older, 25 lbs heavier and facing so much stuff with my body that I cant even get my head around it. If he stayed, he would be here for me, but only on the weekends when its convenient for him. He'd still be living a different life until HE is ready to change that, and Ill just keep going down hill and by the time he decides he done with me...or me with him... Ill just be a shell of a human being. I just CANT.

Now I have to figure out how to tell him, and get his stuff back to him, and NOT to go back on it. I've done this so many times its almost a joke at this point, and I'm sure he will feel the same way too. I wish he would just be the one to do it. Id be more than happy for him to think he's the one that walked away. At least that way it would just be over, and no weak moments I may have in the future would mess it up. Maybe he's as sick of it as I am and it wont be bad after all. I hope so for both our sakes.

I am grateful for the time...the good parts, because there were good parts...that I had with R, but its way past time to be over. I wish we could be friends because I know that will be the worst of it for me. I already feel isolated here and that on top of it will be very difficult indeed, but I have to do this for myself. 

I fear I will be alone forever. I fear that I will deeply regret doing this because what if it really IS ME? What if this whole time its been me that has the relationship issues? I think about that all the time. I have to wonder though, are these thoughts about myself engrained in me because of this relationship and the other one...which for all purposes was very similar. I found out after chasing that one for 4 years that it absolutely was NOT me. I just reminded myself of that and it makes me feel like I'm making the right decision all the more.

 I also think about how this has still not ever been like any "real" relationship I've even seen with other people. 3 years in we are still living separate lives. That's never been what I want, and I truly believe that R would be happy doing this forever, or until his "kids" all leave him and he is finally alone. Ironically, if he told me he wanted to move in tomorrow Id say NO. Why? Because I still feel like I don't know him. How can I when I've been separated from his real, main life? I cant, and I've tried to get this across to him for so long its not even worth repeating. 

So here it is. Dead in the water. Ill have to do something soon, if only to get his crap out of my car because I don't want him or his stuff to ever come into this house again, unless over time we are able to gain a friendship and be OK with just that. I know I can hope for that but I seriously doubt that will happen. Maybe its for the best. 

Monday Funday!

 Well the weekend actually turned a corner and ended up being really good. 

After what I would call a very confusing and rocky start R and I finally connected Saturday night and as of right now things are good. I guess that's the way it goes. Ups and downs. I do feel like the core issues we have are never REALLY addressed, but we seem to work around them each time they rear up. 

Is this because neither of us wants to start over again with someone else? Or is it because we do really love each other and want to work things out no matter the cost? I really don't know at this point, but I'm willing to keep on trying - DOING- whatever, Yoda!!! The one thing that's making this harder is that I'm trying so hard to be positive, but R can suck the positive right out of the room. No on purpose, he just fills his mind with politics, news and other very negative things then wants to share them. I don't think he realizes just how much I HAVE to be away from all of that for a while. That was part of the issues over the weekend, which I eventually just chose to ignore rather than respond to. Its work, but its working.

Moving on- Today we get 2 very special visitors! Anne and Vic are coming up from Decatur! It sounds like they live in a different state and the way things have been they might as well be because she's been here since the beginning of November and Vic got here after Thanksgiving and I've only seen her the one time. Not her fault or mine, just the way its been, plus add in my injury and the fact that I'm not supposed to be driving and there you have it. So today will be a special Monday Funday!!!

Anne is really one of my favorite people on earth. I know I've written about her over the years and how inspiring she can be, but its worth saying again. She got here and took ATL by the horns getting a job ASAP and has been working towards her goals already. I thought she would at least take a breath but that's not her style, which as usual, is very inspiring!

I'm focusing on the positive so I will give myself credit for taking the FAA UPE practice test last week and getting a decent score. At least I know the areas I need to study more. 

I had one person - ONLY one - from my former group of clients contact me about work this year, and of course I had to say no because of my elbows. What was strange was that when I told him what had happened in the email, he didn't respond at all. No "wow I'm so sorry that happened" or anything. I wasn't looking for sympathy, its more that I feel like pretty much all of my old clients have moved on to other photographers. 

My whole plan was to go to new places up here in December, although I still don't have any cards to even leave or any promotional material. God I have a lot of work to do. 

I want to be more like Anne in the way she just DOES it. No fear, no hesitation. The reason (or at least the one I tell myself) that I have never gone to new real estate offices up here yet is because I wanted to have new services to offer, like the video and drone stuff. I haven't made progress in those areas so instead of getting some work I got no work. Perhaps the elbows is a blessing in disguise. Making me reevaluate the things I need to do and get to work on them. That and Iden passing. 

As I type this the negative thoughts are creeping in. That all too familiar voice telling me that I've wasted a whole year, that no one is going to want my services since I don't offer those other things. 

Its really hard to shake that demon in my head. Its gotten quite comfortable up there, but I'm cleaning house. Fear is my enemy, and today I am choosing NOT to fear. My demon is telling me that I need to be worried about the interaction between R and my friends coming up. I'm telling it to shut up, and that it will be fine. I hate that I feel like I have to worry about that with R and other people. I need to have more faith in him. I know he's been trying for a long time to get better with social situations, and my hope is that he and Vic really bond. 

Anyway, I'm off to get on the bike again. I did 6 days last week and going for the same this week. 

Another 1%!!

Working on It

 I'm trying. I really am.

This week has been good and bad. Had another fight with R. Its useless to go into the details because they are the same. 

I also found out that my fractures are another 8 weeks away from being healed. I really didn't expect that at all. 

The good part was that I was accountable every day and also did the bike every day. That was my goal and I am achieving it.

1%

My happiness is being tested this weekend but I'm trying to work on it. 

Do or Do Not, there is no TRY!

New Years Eve 2021 - The day Betty White died...and Iden

Wow Betty White !  I just heard the news. I know she was old but wow what an icon. 

That just about tops it for me. I've been absent because my plans for a good December  / rest of the year were suddenly snatched away from me on December 8th when I fell walking into the place I play pinball and fractured BOTH elbows.   

That first part of my New Years post was written around 3:00 PM on New Years Eve. I was stopped in the middle of that because I got the news that Iden McWhorter, a friend and long ago co-worker at RJCo was found dead at his moms house in Florida the day before. No explanation. No one knows what happened yet.

Iden was a guy that I adored. I had a huge crush on him when I worked at Bobbys, and years later, in 2018, Bobby actually tried to fix us up. It failed but I got a friend out of it instead, which was better. Iden is...was... the only person in the world that shared the freakish love of Legos I have. He also liked weird music. Some I liked, some not so much. He was obsessed with Wide Spread Panic. He admired the street art of Banksy. He took me to The Atlanta Brick Company once, and I knew that day we had a friendship like no other I have. 

We were in touch over the summer, and in December talked about getting together in January to go through his massive Lego collection to find pieces for several builds I have parts lists for. Now I sit looking at the little pile Id made and put aside, waiting for January to get the rest of the pieces, and I don’t want to put them together anymore.

I just can’t believe he’s gone.

I thought when I started to write this post that hearing about Betty White was sad, but this….it’s just too much.

Today is January 3^rd. The other day I was going to write about my unhappy end to my year, but at least I got one. Iden will never see 2022. Iden won’t get another shot at losing weight, or getting work back on track, or fixing a fucked up relationship.

Iden is dead.

I have cried daily about him, and about myself. I’ve made myself miserable, and the broken elbows at the end of the year just made it all worse. Unable to exercise ( not that Id been breaking any records or anything) along with drinking and overeating daily I’ve gained weight and now have over 40 lbs to get off instead of 30.

My relationship with R, in spite of all my efforts, is failing. I know it. I have made such huge mental and physical efforts to bring us closer, and he just stays right where he is. All the talking we did a couple of months ago has gone out the window.

Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. In fact, in a few ways its gotten worse. Its almost as if the more Im sweet and loving to him, the more ugly and dismissive he is with me.

Not being able to be intimate for this long has not helped, but that’s actually not all because of the elbows. R has made ZERO effort to just please ME, something he absolutely could have done. Hell, the first weekend I was hurt I did HIM a favor, but does he think to make ME happy? Nope. In my mind I believe this is because he would have to make ALL the effort, and that’s not his thing.

At first of course I couldn’t do anything, but that’s not the case anymore, and he still has made no effort to do anything about it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe now that R is just not a feeling person. The only emotion he shows is anger, and even that is muted.

When I got the news about Iden I was so upset, but he didn’t comfort me at all. He just went in the other room and watched football with mom. I actually had to ASK him to hug me.

He didn’t even kiss me at midnight on New Years Eve, even though I asked him to earlier that night. Its as if me asking him to do it made him NOT do it. Afterwards he tried to make up for it but it was too late. Everything is too late.

His behavior this past month has been sketchy at best. The first weekend I was hurt I had to basically ask him to help with dishes and food prep. It’s been like that every weekend except one night. I had a meltdown about “people” telling me not to do things Im not supposed to be doing with my arms, but then not doing those things for me. That night he did the dishes. Well most of them. Mom still had to do some, and the other weekends she has pretty much done all of them. He’s left her to do the heavy lifting and it’s not right.

Things like that have given me a new perspective on him. Im not saying he should just work his ass off from the time he walks in the door until he leaves, but that’s what I do, or was doing, every weekend to please him. Not being able to do those things has opened my eyes to what he would be like to live with in a way.

Im guessing there is a reason the house he is in is a wreck. He rarely cleans up. He never buys groceries. He never cooks. His ex-wife and kids have done all that for him for so long he’s just used to it I guess.

One of the things we talked about a long time ago was that there are things I feel like he should just DO without having to be asked. He was offended by that notion, and now I see that no matter what I do or say, or how long we stay together, that’s never going to change. In fact it’s getting worse.

The little things that I need to make each day feel right, like good morning texts, or a phone call at night aren’t happening. He won’t make plans for the weekends. Not even Christmas. He shows up with little to no warning. I cant plan anything for the weekend because he may decide not to come until Saturday. That’s happened a few times in the last 6 weeks or so. The last 2 weekends he didn’t even stay longer than 24 hours. He told me New Years Day he felt bad, but I honestly don’t believe him. I think he wanted to go home, so when he did leave I was glad. I didn’t want him here anymore.

For Christmas this year I gave him a letter, stating all these wonderful things that I felt about him. He said he didn’t deserve it. He is correct. I meant them in my heart, and also I was attempting to boost him up, hoping that would make him feel closer to me. Not everything I said to him is even true, but I wanted it to be, so I thought if I put it down on paper for him to read, maybe he will strive to be that person. I don’t think that’s possible anymore.

The year 2021 was a shit show not unlike 2020, only this shit show was totally my fault. I made no effort to get new work. I made no effort to learn new skills. I made no effort to lose weight, quit drinking, or exercise more. Well that’s not completely true, I was exercising pretty well for a few months there, then I hurt my back, and I was getting ready to start up again at the first part of December, but then I had the elbow fracture happen so it’s all just been a perfect ending to a perfectly fucked up year.

I can’t change the past but I MUST change the future. I can’t write about how much I want it, I have to do it.

R will not help me in any of this. I mean no one can do it for me. I know that, but I also don’t need any more reasons to be unhappy, and right now that’s him.

Its weird, I write all this thinking that I need to just let him go. Part of me wants that, but part wants to see what I can do with myself, and maybe when Im better inside we will be better too. Another part of me thinks that if I stay with him, I will never BE better inside, because being with him is part of the problem.

So many changes needed and I feel like I don’t know how to even start. I am still house bound, and even if I had work coming in I can’t do it yet. I expect I will be able to shoot again in a couple of weeks, and I know I need to use that time to do things to improve what I do. Learn the techniques that Im lacking, or at least start to. I realize too, these are things that I should have been doing for the last month that I’ve been bound to this place, but I didn’t, so that’s that.

I feel like I have so many things I need to do and I have no motivation to start any of them. It’s much easier to just have a drink and play XBOX.

1% changes. That’s what they say are the building blocks to a better life. Not huge sweeping resolutions. I know I’ve done this a million times but if you don’t at least start you can’t ever change anything. So who cares that Im starting over again? That’s another thing I HAVE to do, stop beating myself up for failing.
Acknowledging the good and living in a grateful way instead of a bitter resentful way.

Depression has sucked me down a well, and unfortunately it’s a very comfortable familiar place. I am living in “what if” in the past, and therefore not making any progress. This MUST stop.

Part of what I had intended to post before getting the news about Iden was about getting rid of things in my life that don’t bring me joy. I intend to do that, starting with my bad attitude.

I don’t know if my mind is sour because of me being with R, but I know this relationship is definitely NOT bringing me joy.

I don’t know, however, if part of that is just because Im unhappy with other parts of my life, and frankly stuck in a place that’s feeding me unhealthy habits, which make me happy temporarily, but more unhappy once they wear off.

In the last month I have left this house exactly 4 times, including only 1 walk around the neighborhood. That’s the other thing that has made this month a living hell. The weather has been so bad that when I could finally walk outside without fear of falling or discomfort I haven’t been able to. I mean yes there have been days I could have and didn’t, some of which were on weekends when R was here, and of course, he doesn’t want to go for a walk so it didn’t happen.

Sometimes I wonder if the past 2 years had not been under a pandemic, and I was still working like usual, and had been able to continue the gym and all that…shit Im doing it again…Im living in memories and “what if”. The past is NOT going to help your future.

OK, so that’s what I am going to work on today. For me, and for Iden, who doesn’t get to have another chance, Im going to give myself one.

Changing the way I think.

Pushing the negative thoughts away.

Giving myself 1 thing a day to be proud of.

A walk, a ride on the recumbent bike (Im going to give that a try right after this), reading a chapter in the book I need to learn to take the FAA test, taking a virtual class to improve my photography skills.

All this has to revolve around me not drinking and while I know in my heart I can do it, Im not going to sit here and say it’s going to be easy to give up. It’s a habit that Ive taken GREAT comfort in. Even that is getting old tough. Ive found myself more than once in the evening looking at the clock, seeing its 7 or something, and thinking, ya know I could just go to bed in a couple of hours and not have that drink tonight. Then I go ahead and have one, which leads to many, many more.

Last night I was “accountable” for the first time in a while. The results were that I had 2 glasses of wine, and 12 drinks over a 9 or 10 hour period. I started early, which is sort of a Sunday tradition I’ve had for years. Not Saturday or week days, but even those days I’ve seen 3:00…maybe 4:00 come around and go ahead and start drinking. Its pretty bad I guess. I haven’t gone to bed sober, or before midnight in a month. The last day was the day I broke my elbows, which was December 8^th, and Im pretty sure I would have stayed up and drank that night too if that had not happened.

Am I an alcoholic? Textbook Im sure. I don’t FEEL like that though. I feel bored with it. It’s become something that I do to fill the time in the evenings because I have no life and Im unhappy.

I can’t expect another person to fill that void. I have to do it myself with something that makes me happy, and is not hurting my body and mind. God, when I think about how happy I would be if I was in the shape I used to be in…there it is again…living on memories. That is going to be a hard one to break, but I guess at least Im conscious of it, and that’s a step.

So step 1 – don’t think past today…tough one.

Today Im going to get on the recumbent bike, and that will make me feel good.

Today I am grateful that I actually HAVE a recumbent bike in my house to help me exercise in my lame condition!

I am always of course, grateful that I have a family that is supportive and patient with me. I know I have many things to be thankful for.

I will acknowledge them all, but today I am going to appreciate the fact that I am alive and being given yet another chance to get it right.

2021 yet again didn’t start or end the way I had hoped. I know now more than ever that I MUST take charge of my course in this life. I have been extremely lucky in the past, and sometimes I think I’ve ridden that luck out.

The only part of the past I do want to acknowledge today is that 10 years ago on a cool January day in 2012, I was writing in this blog about how Id quit drinking for 2 weeks and how hard it had been at some point, but that overall it was fine, and that I was starting to work out.

I didn’t know then that 2012 would turn into the best year in my whole life, and as much as I wish I was there, I never will be again. My body is 10 years older, and things will never be the same as they were then. The way I need to eat, drink, and exercise will never be that way again. I am going to have to really start over in every way, and figure out what works for me NOW.

I can proudly say that I am still 90 lbs lighter than I was then, and even though the negative voice that lives in my head just immediately popped up to let me know that I am worse off now than I was a year ago, I will not let it win today.

Im off to the “gym room” I will exercise and be grateful I am alive to do it, and as I cry another tear for Iden, who left this world much too soon, I hope I can do his memory justice. I hope that his tragic end gives me the inspiration I need to move up and onward to a better life, because you really never do know when you’re on your last day. When mine comes I want to know in my heart that I gave it my best and didn’t waste the many wonderful gifts I have been given.

The sun is finally out…literally...for the first time in over a week and its timing is perfect. Maybe its Iden up there giving me a little sunshine and a little hope.

To Iden, wherever you are. I hope you are building the best Lego world ever. I miss you my friend. 

Thanksgiving Redo

 Its that time of year again already. I cant believe this year has gone by so fast.

When I last wrote I was pretty convinced that R and I were done. The day I was writing Anne visited and we had the best time. It was so good to see her again and to know that she's living here now is just wonderful!

She, as usual had some very good advice, which I took, and after another few days of silence, R finally broke the Mexican Stand-off and texted me Tuesday after pinball.  It was late and I was tired so I didn't answer. I woke the next day to find a string of texts that he had sent throughout the night saying he was sorry and that he loved me. I decided that we needed to talk, so he came over the day and we did just that. 

Long story short, I didn't really know the words I delivered to him in bad that night had hurt him. It had not only done that but triggered him into a place of darkness. I guess I wasn't fair to him about the work he had been doing on himself in the friendship department. I think on my own behalf I was , and still am frustrated that the family thing has not been resolved and looks like it never will be. I asked him to invite his family for Thanksgiving and he said he did but they had plans. I know he didn't invite all of them, just the 2 girls, but I guess that when you expect to not be invited you make other plans. 

The other issues we are having we are working on and that talk was not easy to have, but I do think he is trying harder, and so am I. I think I've had more uplifting words from him in the past few weeks than I ever have. Even if its coming from him thinking he has to do it, it still feels good. 

We still have had a couple of moments where he said something that hit me weird, one thing in particular last weekend about me not going to a football thing at his friends house, but I do think he's really trying. I think he really loves me, and its hard for me to wrap my head around that. 

So that's the good part. The other part is, I still feel like my needs are not being met, but since he is trying I will work with him on that. I also still feel like his triggers are far more important than mine, and I don't know that I conveyed that to him in a way that he understands. Part of that is to do with the family issues. Part to do with how he handles things in general. basically by not talking about them until they are huge. 

He claims that things are not important to him like that so that's why he dismisses them. The fact that they are to me makes no real difference. This is something I am coming to understand that is never going to change and if I am to stay with him I am going to have to accept that.

On the flip side, he has taken to coming with me to my pinball meets, well the last 2 anyway. I don't expect him to always do that and frankly don't want him to. I think that he's looking at it as a way of "us" to make new friends, which is true in a way, but the way he's going about it makes me uncomfortable. I was hoping that we would make friends with a couple. As in him be friends with the guy and such. The way its working out seems to be that he has it in his head that this one lady, Ill call her M, is the perfect start on new friends for us. I would agree but its not like you can just decide that and POUF it happens. 

I agree that we both seem to have more in common with her than the other ladies. She is single though, and the way he is not talking about her non stop made me finally come out and say , "do you just want to fuck her or something?" which I think he was really surprised to hear from me. Its weird. I think I am actually a little jealous. That feeling is foreign to me when it comes to R, but it tells me I care a lot more about him being here than I thought I guess. 

I don't like that feeling though. Its insecurity about myself too I know. I want to feel better about myself so that having a woman friend that's single wont bother me. After all, I was in that boat my whole life. Having couple friends and always being the single one. 

At any rate, I know I need to work on myself and am happy that we seem to be working on each other. 

I wish the rest of my family stuff was going that well.

Thanksgiving was hijacked by Beth and John so we ( Elise, R and mom) are having a reboot tomorrow on Saturday while watching football. I wish Beth and I could make some kind of peace but it seems like her alcohol issues and the fact that neither she or John can stand R are making it nearly impossible.

Oh well. Ill just keep moving forward and try to be thankful for the family I do have. I am also thankful for R and am happy that we are not apart and seem to be moving in the right direction. 

The Sound of Silence

 Its Tuesday. Pinball day. A day....the only day lately....that I really look forward to. I don't want to go. 

I had a bad night last night. I stayed awake way to long, and got up early so I'm tired and I feel bad. 

I've had a pretty useless day too. Best intentions gone bad. 

Before I got out of bed I laid there looking through texts from R. I went back a whole year. Actually past that to October of last year. I knew what I was looking for but needed to see it to make sure I was right.

There it was. The same fight we just had almost 2 weeks ago. Same subject, same result. 

They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting different results. I guess I'm bat shit crazy then. I did it with HWSNBN for years. Now it seems I'm doing it again with R. 

Still no word from him either. How long do I wait to make it officially over in my head? In my heart it will take a long time. R...Ray...has been a very special part of my life for almost 3 years. I wanted it to work, I STILL want it to work, but we are simply repeating history over and over and not getting anywhere. 

If there is any hope I don't see it. The only thing that will give this a chance would be for him to call me and tell me he's sorry, and that he will make the move to start introductions to the family. If he were to do that I could tell him I'm sorry for making him feel bad, (again) and that I'm willing to move forward but that means actually doing it this time. I just don't see that happening. 

Maybe he just doesn't want it anymore. He's got a new job and the outlook for him is success of a kind he has never known. Getting another girl to let him be a weekend lover will be easy for him. 

He will blame me no matter what. I read it from last year and this will be no different. Last year I was in a very needy place. I'm not now. Sad, yes. Lonely, yes. Needy, no.

 Will it be as easy for me to move on? No. Harder than ever. I'm 51, and I now live with my mom. Those 2 factors alone are going to make my single life difficult at best. One might think that looking at those things would make me go running back to him. Last year it did. I wasn't even in that position yet but it was staring me in the face and I was so afraid of being alone again and never finding anyone else that I went back in and just let it happen all over again. So here I am, a year later exactly where I would have been if Id stood my ground. Only this time I can really look back and see it so clearly. I see where I was and how I should have just stayed the course no matter what the results. 

You cant change the past, but you can change the future. 

I want him back but only if those things we talked about are fixed. The friend part I can concede to, and he does make efforts to do things with people when I ask him to, I just wish he actually enjoyed it. In that regard I have the ability to actively try to change my need for a bunch of friends and approval from others, and hopefully help him change the way he approaches it. That's what I have been doing all this time I guess I would just need to try harder. The family part is completely him, and again, looking at the history repeating itself, I just don't have faith anymore that he's ever going to do anything to change that. The intimacy stuff...well that I would of course continue to work on too, because that part would have to get better or nothing else would make any difference. Maybe that's really the only issue here and the fact that I can't tell him about it without hurting him leaves me clueless as to how to fix it. 

I want so badly to call him. I just want to get it over with one way or another. Every time I get a text I hope its him. Today the phone hasn't chimed at all. Silence all day. Its deafening. 

I can see how the conversation would go. Me repeating the same thing. He will call it an ultimatum. He will tell me its all about me and my needs. If that's true then so be it. I cant give in this time. I've done it over and over and its gotten me exactly nowhere. Were sliding into the end of another year and I cant start a new one with this dead weight dragging behind me. I need to let it go, and if he's not willing to make these efforts I need to let him go. For good. 

In my dream mind post break up, I see us having some time apart then coming together as friends again. Both happy with other people and able to be real friends as we probably always should have been. I know that's fantasy. I know that once this is finally really over, and his stuff is no longer here, I'll never see him again or hear his sweet voice again. 

I love his voice. I love him, but I have to love me more. I guess I will need to get used to the silence. 

Where did it all go wrong?

 I cant believe its already November, and I'm just now writing again. 

I've go so much to say, I hardly know where to start. 

I'll start with some good news first. My dear friend Anne has moved back to Atlanta! She and her dad made the trek from NYC via Ryder truck this week and I will see her tomorrow for the first time since Christmas of 2019! I'm so happy she's back, and the timing could not be better. My life is basically a mess.

I just finished reading my post from January. Such hope. Well nothing has happened the way I was HOPING it would.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. Might as well. Its all noteworthy in the build up to what is now rounding out a pretty messed up year. 

I don't recall if I even made it through that week trying so hard to get back into exercise and stay on a sober path, but I can say 90% of this year has been heavy drinking and very little exercise. I've gained weight, and even though I did finally find a trainer up here a couple of months ago it hasn't seemed to help at all, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

January was a crazy month. I was moving stuff and I put my house on the market I think on January 14th. It sold in 2 weeks and I was moving out on January 28th, with the man who is now the new owner on my heels that same day to have it inspected. Turned out there was a lot wrong with it, and I really thought I was going to get screwed on the price because of that, but the guy was really nice, and really wanted the house so he didn't ask for all of it to be fixed and I ended up getting probably 20K more for it than I expected. He also was SUPER sweet to me in general, knowing that I was going to miss the place, and told me "It will always be your house, and please come see it anytime." I haven't, and I don't intend to. That part of my life is over and in spite of the hard times I've been having I don't want to go back and see it. I think it would be too upsetting. 

The move: It was a rough day, made rougher by R showing up late the night before, and begrudgingly helping me pack the last of my things. I was, and am, grateful he was there and after a while he did actually help. I did find out later that he had considered not coming at all, and I was a little shocked by that at the time. I'm not now. 

It was a very long day. When the movers showed up it seemed like it took forever to get my house loaded up. A couple of times I went out to the back yard and watched, teary eyed as my life of 17 plus years was being carried out the door. I took a few videos' and I'm glad. I miss my little house and want to remember it the way it was. 

Unloading seemed to take less time but it was still a solid 8 hour day of just the movers, then it was another few just to get settled enough to go to bed. Exhausted and heart sick, the next few weeks were a series of shuffling thigs around to make them fit, and trying to find a routine in my new living situation, which was made all the more difficult by my dear mom, who on the second weekend of me being here, fell and broke her foot. 

Normally I wouldn't have been mad at her for this accident, but it was her own fault, and it fucked up the next 4 months of both of our lives. It was Valentines weekend, which is also R and my anniversary. In my usual style, Id made a fabulous dinner, and I was trying extra hard to make it a great night. R and I NEEDED a great night badly. He had even talked about going to get Mexican and playing pinball...not the anniversary I had imagined but a nice gesture since it would have been sentimental given the place we would have gone, but I didn't really take it well, and so I made the dinner that he ate but never really appreciates, cleaned up, and mom got stinking drunk. 

I should not neglect to mention that I was already struggling to have a good night before any of this happened. R and I were just not getting along. We'd also gone to Home Depot and bought a bunch of smart light switches, and in the middle of the store he mentioned that he could either go get my anniversary gift or install these switches - I said " if you are planning something for us then PLEASE go do that! I don't want you working on our anniversary!" I was suddenly excited that he was finally making an effort! Later we ended up at Lidel, the local discount mart, where he had me pick out my own discount flowers. That was his big surprise. Meanwhile I laid out $75 for an extravagant meal that I had to cook and clean up afterwards by myself. 

Right after dinner mom broke a glass, then got up and was being just pissy. R went downstairs to The Dungeon (our little den - hide out in the house) and I made down her bed thinking to myself that she'd probably fall if she tried to do it herself. Well evidently I put the stupid pillows in the wrong spot for her liking, so when she attempted to move them, somehow she got her feet twisted under her and fell. I happened to be in her bathroom, heard the thud, and came out to find her on the floor. Still giving me attitude and bitching about the pillows, she got up with my help, and I checked her out to make sure she was ok. She said she was fine and at the time nothing I could see looked like it was broken. I got her (still being pissy) to the den, sat her down and put on a movie telling her Id come back to check on her shortly. She dismissed me and I went downstairs.  

About 30 minutes later I checked on her, and her attitude had taken a 180 degree turn. She said her foot hurt, and when I looked at it, it was already black and blue and swollen. I knew it was injured and hoped it wasn't broken but something told me that it was. I got her into the bedroom and told her she needed to lay down so I could ice it. 

Meanwhile I tell R what's happening, and that I feel like I need to take her to the Dr. and he dismisses it, saying its probably fine. It was also getting close to 12:30 AM at this point and I was beyond irritated with both of them, so I went to bed telling them both that wed be getting up early in the morning and going straight to the Doc-in-the-box down the street. The next morning sure enough she could barley walk on it so Rs' prediction that it would be fine was dead wrong. I left with her and yup it was broken. 3 small bones and the guy at that place thought it needed surgery right away if it was going to heal right. 

When we left I expected R to be gone when we got home, but instead, he installed the switches while we were gone. I think he felt guilty for being such a jerk the night before, but it was an unexpected, welcomed surprise, and one that he would eventually throw right back in my face like he does with EVERYTHING that he does for me. Mind you, these "things" are few and far between, but of course always helpful, even if it seems like I have to ask him to do those things most times instead of him just doing it. 

Long story short for the next 4 months mom could not drive so she was basically house bound, and needed my constant help. My attempt to get into some kind of healthy routine was replaced by anguish, frustration, and sometimes just anger. I missed my house, and my old life. I missed being able to get out of the house and go to MPB. I missed my gym that I had JUST started to get back into the year before when the stupid pandemic started.  I missed my work that had just disappeared. Most of all I missed the person R was supposed to be. The one that had tried so hard to get me back in September of 2019. That was who I thought I was going to be with. 

If it sounds like I'm being petty maybe I am. I just feel underappreciated and right now, while writing this, I haven't talked to him in a week so I'm also upset. Ill try to make this as fair as I can. I've been trying to be fair with him for so long it seems. Even through great distraction and influence from other people. Well, "person".

Up until March of this year Id been talking off and on with a guy from my past who it would turn out was trying to get me to break up with R so he could go out with me. This guy was a friend, or so I thought, and I really was having problems with R, so it was good to have a sympathetic ear. I will fully admit that I seriously considered giving this person a chance. I even broke up with R for a minute and a half in March, but immediately regretted it and went groveling back to him. I feel like I've been being punished ever since. 

To be fair, I had broken up with him probably 3 times or at least had heated conversations that made me want to in 2020, the last time of which was in November shortly after this guy popped back into my life. I really meant it that time and I should have stuck to it I guess, but so much was happening. The move, my work drying up, mom...I just NEEDED him. I love R, I really do, and I wish with everything in me that we could work out or issues. That has never changed. I'm just getting to the point now where I am no longer sure if that's possible.

At any rate, the rest of the year to date has had its ups and downs. A LOT of downs for me. My work has been slower than ever. I am not helping that out by not really doing anything about it, but...and this really is not an excuse...im BUSY every day here. Mom is a handful. Even after she was able to drive again being here is constant 'do this do that'. 

My birthday was good and bad. Gwenn was here and that was GREAT! But R and I got into a fight the night before on the phone over something he tried to give me for my birthday ( it was a subscription to some self investment stock thing that I wanted no part of), so that sucked. I still think he thinks that I am an ungrateful person for not accepting it. 

I was  (am) going through this adjustment phase and I felt like I deserved some time to just BE. I did try to work as much as possible but I also took a lot of time for myself. The pool was open early this year due to good weather and me living here, so I spent every moment I could outside. Every weekend, and some week days too. I had weird feelings of guilt doing this. Like mom or Elise might be thinking that I was just mooching off mom and not even trying to work. I guess I could have tried harder to get new clients. I also could have tried harder to get the video thing going. That still has never happened. I'm pretty sure that is one of the main reasons my work dried up. 

I can say I have been struggling with motivation in every area of my life. I'm heavier than I have been since probably fall of 2013. Food up here is a real problem. Bread...butter...snacks...sweets. Its all here all the time. Exercise has been sporadic at best. I will do OK for a week then get derailed the next. I still have yet to have a whole moth of "green" on my white board in the gym where I mark the days in green marker when I work out. Also, I've been drinking pretty much every day. Realistically I think I have only had maybe 2 or 3 days in total this entire year where I haven't had at least one drink. Most days its been more like 6 or more. 

Basically for the better part of this year and a lot of last year as well I have been going through deep depression. I'm struggling to get free of it now. One thing, and it is a small silly thing at that, has helped. I started a pinball club up here like we used to have in Decatur. We have been meeting once a week for about 6 weeks now and its the highlight of my week. Its not even in a bar, although we do bring drinks. Unlike when I was doing this in Decatur though, here I typically have 2 or 3 drinks in the 3 hours were there, which has also helped my game, and I'm finding that I don't need it to have fun playing, which is actually a relief. I've had times recently where I've thought my drinking is so far out of control that I might really be in trouble. Yet I've still never quit. *sigh*

I'm sure there are more details from the past months that I can fill in. Some good, some bad. All to do with R. Starting around the end of May, I decided to make every effort I could to be by his side, support him, and build him up in any way I could. He was starting a new job and I knew the transition was not going to be easy, but not really knowing what it was he was doing, I did the best I could.

Our routine is what it always has been. He shows up on Friday afternoon, and leaves Sunday mid-morning. There have been a few deviations to this. Some weekends he had things to do on Friday so he would come Saturday and stay until Monday mid morning. Once or twice he's come on a week day, but only when I asked him to help me with something. That's what happened a week ago Wednesday which was the last time I saw him. Up until then, in spite of a couple of chunks of time where we went almost a month without seeing each other due to him having a meltdown about cars. A situation created by him and he knew it so felt stupid and I guess his GAD kicked in. I had as much sympathy as I could about it but went about my life and tried to fill those empty weekends with other people at the pool and such. Again, he threw that back at me because one of those weekends I wanted a girls only time, and since I rarely see him during the week, means another 2 weeks without him. 

After that chunk of time though, I made a conscience decision to do everything I could to be super supportive, and not complain about ANYTHING.  Roll with it as it were. Things actually seemed really good there for a while too, as long as I kept my feelings a bay, we were fine. 

I guess I did that as long as I could, and even as this last event started, it didn't feel like it was going to become what it has. 

For all these months like usual, he mentions his family and things that they are doing. I am always curious, but also had stopped asking about them because to me, they are still strangers and since that is likely to never change, I don't want to care about them. 

Impossible...right? Yeah it totally is for me anyway. One of the things R said he would do when he was trying to get me back in 2019 was to introduce me to his kids. All adults now, and pandemic aside are living their lives and perfectly capable of meeting us at a restaurant to have dinner if asked. 

Wednesday night - we'd had a good night, a REALLY good night, and Id hoped he would just stay on through the weekend. One of the recent topics of conversation was the fact that if he intended to move in within a year or so we needed to start making an effort to spend real time together, not just 2 days a week. Different issue altogether, but anyway, we were in bed, and I started to talk to him about meeting his kids. It wasn't meant to be a conversation that went south. I guess I wanted him to know...or remind him... that it hurts me to hear about them, and see pictures of them, and still not know them. 

He didn't react well. The conversation turned from simple to complicated, involving how he acts with other people, and my worry about him meeting new people never knowing if he will react in a way that will offend people...another topic that's been beat to death I guess, but yet still very relevant. 

He said hurtful things about not caring about my family or friends. Not caring about anyone but me and his friend Lu. I guess he thinks that should be enough, and maybe it would be if other things in our life were different. 

I look at other peoples relationships and think - "I want that", and I'm so far from that with R its scary. Those other things are the fact that he doesn't build me up. Doesn't support me, or want to plan our future. He doesn't ever compliment me even though he KNOWS I would appreciate that. I've mentioned that to him dozens of times, even telling him that if he DOESNT think I'm pretty or that I look nice of course don't say I do, so since he NEVR EVER does, I guess he doesn't think I am. 

He once told me that he thought it was sad that I needed that kind of reinforcement. Sad...I guess his idea of a compliment is sending me a text saying "good morning beautiful", which he used to do occasionally a long time ago. Yes that's very sweet, but I need it in person. In the moment. Too much? I guess so for him. I am constantly telling him how cute he is, and sexy. He always brushes it off, but I still do it. I do it because its true, and also because I feel like everyone wants and needs that from their partner. 

The other major thing that I have actually never talked to him about, only because I cant figure out how to approach it without REALLY hurting his feelings, is that we have a very non-plus sex life. I mean hes got the equipment, and at times has been in the ballpark, but never seems to be able to hit that home run for me. What I need from him goes beyond the act of sex though. I need intimacy. I need passion. 

I've tried guiding him to kiss better, or just at all. I love kissing and sometimes if I don't go in for a kiss we will literally go all day without it. I've gone so far as to ask him to do other things to only to be ignored, which makes me self conscience. The biggest thing though, and I don't know if this is because he was with someone for so long that he didn't love, but he just becomes robotic about it. I'm trying to get him to kiss my neck and he's twisting my boobs like a radio dial. So zero passion. zero intimacy.

So after we woke up Thursday and he left mad at me, I had had it. I thought about all these things that I just mentioned, and more, and have been doing little else for a whole week without word from him. Oh we did talk Thursday night. Fought. Not talked. He accused me of being mean to him and told me he never did that to me. He's wrong of course, which I told him, reiterating the fact that the family and friends thing hurts me constantly. Not important to him, but important to me. He told me everything is about me and what I want. I told him no, its actually about him. His time line, how he wants things to progress. I may be voicing that I want it to be different but since its not happening that way how could it possibly be about ME? 

Nothing was accomplished and the phone went dead in the middle of a sentence, so I though he'd hung up on me. Furious, I gave up and just cried.  I didn't know what else to do, and I didn't want to be the one to call back.

I think if Id brought up the sex part he would have just thought I was trying to be mean, because I have always tried to build him up in that department too. Maybe that's been a mistake. If he thinks he's doing a good job why try to do something else? 

He's got to know though. I mean I do try to guide him and such, but he just almost fights it. Even to the point where I'm trying to move his hand to the right place and he fights me moving it. Its beyond frustrating.  The truth is, we have had moments of good sex, but never something that made me go DAMN. I guess the last person I had really good sex with was...sadly..."he who shall not be named!"

So after not hearing from him I texted him Saturday and told him I was sorry that Id hurt his feelings, that that was not my intention, and that I loved him. No answer.

Sunday, angry and frustrated at this point, I texted again and told him that I was going to pack his stuff up and put it in the garage and that I didn't want to do this but not hearing anything from him Id come to the conclusion that he no longer wanted to do this anymore. I wasn't going to wait forever for him and to have the balls to just tell  me. He'd hung up on me and not responded so what else could I do. 

He answered: "I didn't hang up on you, you hung up on me."

Me: no I didn't

Him: I didn't touch the phone

Me: I didn't either

Him: If you're really sorry, you should give me a few days without ultimatums.

Me: If you're really sorry you should have called me back.

The next morning he texted me a link to a new song but no message. I sent him back a thumbs up. I also posted a couple of funny things on his FB page. Yes trying to get his attention. No response. He emailed me Thursday night. Just a link to a game that I like to paly. Its now Saturday the next week and nothing. I've cried over this, been mad again, and just overall really really sad. 

The truth is I would do anything to make this work. I do LOVE him, but I don't know if I'm IN love with him. I don't know if I ever have been. He's my best friend and this is something I've told him before, more than once, when I was trying to break things off. I think sometimes we were just meant to be friends. On my end this reasoning it totally due to the lack of passion in our relationship. Sex does not equal passion. I have reasoned time and time again that if I could just fix that part. That and if he would just make an effort to build me up. Make me feel loved, pretty, sexy, and if we could find real passion in each other, the other things that to him are not important, would be far less important to me. I might even be able to let them go altogether.   

I know one thing for sure, I cant imagine him NOT being in my life. I hope we can work this out but I also don't want to give it more of my soul when it seems like its just not meant to be. I don't know how to change the things that I need from him, and I don't know how to help him make those changes, or if he even would. I would never ask him, or anyone to change as a person. Its behavior, and in some cases like learned behavior that I am talking about, so in theory, changeable. And lets be clear, trying to improve sex and passion, and asking him to be more conscience about building me up mentally, is not a terrible thing. 

I guess I will let it marinate because today, I don't know what to do about it. I suppose if I need those changes I will have to tell him about that, and in doing so, hurt his feelings again, and probably permanently damage us if its not already. 

I'm going on a walk with my friend Anne now. She just got here! Its so good to see her after all this time and to know that's she's going to be living here is such a  gift and the timing could not be better. 

And guess what? The first thing she said just now when I opened the door was Hello Beautiful!!