New Years Eve 2022 - The Winds of Change

 Where does the time go?

The last thing I wrote about this year was how I was leaving to travel by myself to see Gwenn in Florida. I was single, and still being pursued by R, but annoyed and disheartened by the whole thing. I had started to date someone else, and attempting to get into a healthier routine, but being thwarted at every turn with back issues. My sister Beth had been forced to come clean about her very serious and life threatening liver condition, and was finally on the way to being on the transplant list. And my business, well it was still struggling, but I had taken the time to research a good program to get my drone pilot license and was starting that path.

That was the end of April.

So what has being going on since then? A lot.

The number one thing that has happened is that Beth got a liver transplant on July 3^rd, and has since lost over 100lbs, and seems to be managing the life she had before without alcohol. AT least for now. John still drinks like a fish around her, and so do her old friends. None of which is supposed to be happening. We are all worried that she’s going to start drinking again, but the bottom line is, she’s an adult and free to make her own choices. All we can do is hope that she makes the right ones.

My personal relationship with her has gotten better though which I’m glad about. We have communicated more in the last couple of months than in the last 4 years since we found out that she has cirrhosis. When that happened I walked out of her life because I refused to watch her kill herself. The timing was right when I met and started dating R in 2019, so I think a lot of people assumed it was her dislike of him that drove us apart, but the truth is, I just couldn’t be around her anymore. The fact that we went to the Star Wars Fans Strike Back exhibit was proof to me that she does actually miss me and we’ve been talking pretty regularly ever since. This is in spite of the fact that R and I got back together. That’s the other “big” news for this year.

Yes, after all the hurting, crying, praying, cussing and worrying, I finally gave it another chance in May. The trip to Melbourne was actually what made me miss him the most, and while I was gone, I finally answered a text telling him if he wanted to talk to me he could pick me up at the airport and we could talk on the way back home.

The minute I saw him on the curb with flowers my heart hurt. When I hugged him it ached. I did miss him terribly, I was just so hurt and as I said before, disheartened about the whole situation. I was convinced that nothing would change if I let him back into my life, and that the things he’d been doing to get me back would all stop as soon as I was back in the fold.  I also thought that I needed to still be dating other people in general. After all, that’s how I got into that situation with R in the first place. He was never supposed to be “the one”. Also, after everything I found out I just didn’t trust him, period. Not to mention that everyone I knew was even more against us being together than ever. How hard was it going to be to open that can of worms again and dump it all over everyone? REAL FUCKING HARD.

I did fight it for a while. I continued to date the other guy and started talking to and seeing R in secret. I thought if I did it that way at least if it failed again no one would have to know and Id at least be spared that. Well, that lasted about a month. Maybe less. By Memorial weekend he was “outed” to my family and friends, and the objections were loud and clear. I didn’t blame anyone for feeling that way, and still don’t to those that still harbor bad feelings about him and I being together.

I have struggled with this for months though and it only recently became clear to me that I have spent an enormous amount of time in my life trying to please other people with my life choices. I have sought approval from my family and friends my whole life. In a way, I’ve trapped myself into an existence that has very little to do with what I want for myself. Not in every way, but in some very important ones.  

One big example of this that I think of is my cooking. I used to cook. I mean REALLY cook, and that was definitely my identity for a long time with people. Everyone thought I LOVED to cook, so I was always the one who did. The truth is, while I like making food that others enjoy, I’m not a huge fan of cooking itself. Its work. Hard work if you do it right. But that’s what I thought people wanted from me, or what made people like me, so that’s what I did. I was praised for it and that felt good, but inside there was so much more that I wanted to be liked for. Maybe people always did like me for other things, but that’s the way I felt about it, so one day I just stopped.

Years ago when I lost weight the first time around while still living with Beth and Robert, I stopped cooking the extravagant meals in order to help myself get away from food. It did not go over well. That was my first real experience with the change in how people thought of me without the Chef label attached. Oh I’m sure there were other things too that contributed to the demise of our relationship, but I know for sure that was a big one.

I don’t want to rehash years of this stuff. The bottom line is that things changed when the role people were used to me playing changed. Eventually as I regained weight back, I started cooking for people all over again. Then 11 years ago I had my big revolution of self, which I have repeatedly talked about now. Again, no need to rehash that. What we need is to move forward.

The existence I have carved out for myself is not all bad, it is in fact a great life. I have a wonderful loving family that is very supportive, and a small group of friend that are the same. It does seem like, however, that sometimes the support is limited to things they think are right for me. I know that sounds harsh, but it does feel that way sometimes.

You can’t change people. You can only be supportive and try to help where you think you can. The work of change has to come from within. R has made a huge effort to change from within, and although I think I am the only one who really sees it, I feel like his actions show it too.

Does he still give me flowers like he did when he was pursuing me? No, he doesn’t, but he’s attentive and giving in so any other ways, and I have just recently had a huge awakening to that.

Is our life perfect? No, but who’s is? Frankly I think we have it pretty damn good these days in so many areas, and I’ve been spending months of time now trying to prove that to people. It’s been hard and exhausting and I think I’m done trying to do that.

It’s funny to me, that I can share bad, hurtful things about him and no one questions it. But when I share the good things that have really changed, no one wants to hear it. Basically I think those that still think I’m making a mistake are unwilling to give him another chance, and I have been trying to open their eyes to no avail. You can’t change people. If they are unwilling to see what’s right in front of them I can’t change that any more than I can change R into whatever definition of a better man I or anyone else thinks he needs to be.

Did R seriously FUCK UP? Absolutely, and again, in spite of my trying to show how he’s changed, I really can’t blame anyone who is unwilling to see that either. Why? You can’t change people, and the sooner I stop trying to the better off we are all going to be.

My fear this whole time has been losing the few friends I have and alienating my family. Both of which I feel like would just kill my soul. But I can’t change them, and so I have to trust that they will put more trust in me. I walked away when I thought I needed to, and I am back in it now because I think it’s OK to be here again. In fact, it’s better than OK. I’m happier now with him that I ever have been. Sure we have had our difficulties. Some of which have been unfortunately played out right in front of other people, but we solve these things and move on.

So here I sit on New Year’s Eve, and guess what? My two dear friends Anne and Vic (who had a BEAUTIFUL wedding in October!) are coming up to hang out with us! That was news that filled my heart with complete joy! Because you see, in spite of letting go of the “need to change”, I still want to please people. It’s hard to break a life lone habit, and I guess I hope that them coming up is a sign that they are at least willing to be open to him being in my life again.

My hopes for the coming year are to let go of this need to please where it’s not necessary, and to nurture it where it makes thing bloom. I have such a small group of people that I really care about, and I am grateful they are still here in spite of their reservations, so it can only get better with time.

I say that with a cautiously optimistic feeling of hope that my life in the next year is going to get better, because I am going to make it better. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a real partner for better or worse, and I just have to remember it’s not always about MY better or worse.

I love Ray, and I’m glad to be spending this night with him, my mom, and those two wonderful people. It will be simple but fun and I know in my heart that when I look back on this post next year I am going to be smiling because I have made a good decision and am sticking with it in spite of any fears and that evil need to please! Fear is another whole subject that I am going to have to deal with this year as well. And I plan to be writing again and getting those fears out of me, like the poison they are.

I really did have much more to say tonight, but the hour is late and my peeps will be here soon. Maybe I’ll rehash some things in the next post, or maybe I’ll just let it go!

So Happy New Year! It’s been an interesting one to say the least. Who would have thought after starting off so badly that it would be ending in a way that I did not imagine at all. Life is so strange that way don’t ya think?

Time Flys When You’re Having Fun!

 It’s been a month since my last post. A strange month, but a good one I suppose for the most part.

When I last wrote I was just beginning to feel the separation between R and me. Now it feels very real, and the actual relationship feels very far away. He has not stopped trying to contact me. He has sent me flowers multiple times, and I unblocked him a week ago just to see if he was still calling me, and he is. 

I’ve listened to his voicemails and it doesn’t even sound like him. He sounds robotic and rehearsed. Saying things like “baby”, which he never ever called me when we were together. He’s still hyper focused on the one thing that really doesn’t matter to me. Well, that’s not true entirely. It does matter to me that he cheated on me and lied to me at the end. He is still missing the point though. The real issues were far beyond that and the fact that he doesn’t see that tells me that I made the right decision. Not that I need a reminder, but recent events have made me miss being with him again. Not to the point that I would consider getting back together, just more making me think about what might have been had he been capable of the level of affection and care that I need in a partner. 

What events have made me look back at what I had? I met someone. It was actually the day that I last posted, and since then it feels like a small whirlwind of dates and getting my head around a new person. 

This new person is nice, sweet, very cute, and very affectionate. We have very intense physical chemistry. Something that has been absent from my life for so long I literally forgot what it felt like, until it hit me like a brick the first time he kissed me. Actually it hit me the first time he touched me, pre-kiss, and all he did was put his hand on the small of my back when he was opening a door for me. 

We have been taking things slowly. Partly because of my situation at home, and partly because I just want to do it right for once. The only other person I ever took this much time with before getting into sex was He Who Shall Not Be Named, and I considered him to be the love of my life for a very long time. I think now because of how it began. It was respectful and made me feel very special in a way I never had before. 

This is the way that the new guy makes me feel. It’s different of course than it was before because I’m also very cautious and guarded. I’ve been through a lot since that time in 2012, and even after declaring that I would never let anyone take advantage of me, or lie to me again, I seemed to end up with guys that did just that. My rules were set but not followed, until now.

There are issues of course. Nothing can be just right, and as irritating as that is, and possibly deal breaking in some cases, I’m going to see it through for a little while longer. It’s nice to have someone that thinks about you and considers your feelings and needs, and I want this experience. 

The issues that do exist are likely the reason I have been thinking about R, but those thoughts, even the good ones, are marked with the realization that he is incapable of being the person that I need in my life as a partner, no matter how hard he might try. It’s sad, and I feel sorry for him in a way, because I think he’s really going to have problems finding someone else that will be as understanding as I was with all of his issues. I don’t want him to end up alone and sad, but he’s not my responsibility, and I feel like behind those messages of love and anguish are lies, even if he’s just lying to himself. 

So yes, this month away from the blog has been good and bad. The only real bad is that I stopped going to the gym again after hurting my back…again…and it’s caused me to gain back a few of the almost 10 lbs I’ve worked very hard to shed. I’m not giving up though. 

It does make me realize how hard it is to break old bad habits and how easy it is to fall back into them given one little excuse. Not going to the gym doesn’t mean that I need to stay up late and snack. 

In any case, I’m trying and that is a good thing, I just have to be more disciplined than I have been recently. I had hoped to be down at least 10 lbs if not more by next week because ion May the 4th I’ll be flying to Melbourne to see Gwenn!

Yup, that’s right. I’m getting on an actual plane, by myself, and going to see my friend. The last time I was on a plane was on the way home from Washington in January of 2015 after burying dad at Arlington. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I’m worried about my dog begin left here with Elise and mom though. She seems so frail suddenly. Sometimes I think the move, and now R missing from her life has made her sad. She has a younger dog to compete with and it seems like she’s just not he old happy self much anymore. Elise is a good dog owner, but she’s blind to the fact that her dog can be dangerous with the little ones. He’s not aggressive or mean in any way, but when he’s startled, he reacts, and the last time he did that with Gabby he snapped at her face, just catching her on the eye lid. A vary scary moment. I’m afraid that she’s not going to pay enough attention to Gabby and that something horrible will happen while I’m gone. Losing my dog would kill my soul. She’s my heart. I know she will be gone one day but I hope that’s not for a very long time. Ok…I just cried. Enough.

I’m other news, Beth is still bad off, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She’s taken the steps necessary to have her hospital tests done and that is the last step before being reviewed by the transplant board. I still worry that she’s either drinking a little, or thinking about it. She has lied to me about a few things to do with her dr appointments and such, and one lie to the transplant people and it’s over. She was telling me the other day that she had been wondering just how they can legitimately test her for drinking if it’s typically out of your system in a few days with conventional tests. That made me think she was looking for ways to do it under the radar, or at the very least, that she will probably start again after she gets a new liver. Sadly that wouldn’t surprise me. 

I will see her Saturday as I am going to a wake for a friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t know him, but I do know her, very well. We have not spent a lot of time together in several years but I am so heart sick over her sudden loss. Anne Marie Peterson has seen a lot of tragedy in her life, and this one is so out of left field it’s crazy. Much like the death of her little sister several years ago. At any rate, I’ll be heading back to Decatur Saturday and will see all the people I used to be friends with and haven’t seen since the pandemic began. I’m not looking forward to it actually. It’s selfish of me, but it’s hard for me to go back there. I will do it for Anne Marie though, and later that evening I have a date with the new guy. He’s told me it’s going to be a special night so that I am looking forward to. It might end up being THE night. We will see. 

Life is funny. Sad mixed with happy. Anticipation of good mixed with loss. Frustration mixed with ultimate happiness. 

GOOD

Its Saturday, and I'm up early. I feel good today. I did well at the gym this week again and my spirit is lighter than is has been in a while. My body is a little lighter too.

I got flowers again this week from R. It didn't make me as sad as the last one did. I also didn't check my blocked numbers this week to see if he had tried to call. I had to consciously do it the first couple of days, but Thursday and Friday I just forgot to. 

It makes me feel a little pang of sad when I think about him and the relationship that I worked so hard on, and fought so hard for, is not just over but fading, but that also feels good. 

I'm starting to think about it as being in my past. I want to learn from it as I have learned from all past experiences. Ill leave the bad behind, and take the good. There was good though, and being away from it for almost 3 months now is making it easier day by day not to be angry anymore. 

I cant help but feel sorry for R if he really is doing what he keeps saying he's doing by holding out for "us", but part of what was broken with us is trust, and part of me thinks he's just doing these things and saying these things to get to me, but meanwhile he's out seeing other people and living his life, "just in case". I have to remind myself that that is what he did before, and even if he's not, it doesn't make any difference. Its over, and I am moving on. 

Its going to be a pretty, cool day, and I want to make the most of it. I will hike today and enjoy being outside. First though, I will make my mom a good breakfast because she looks forward to Saturday Breakfast. 

I will appreciate the good of today, and hope for another good one tomorrow. 

A Good Week but a Bad Week - Working on being Grateful

I'm feeling melancholy today. Its cold, rainy and very dark outside, matching my mood. Its been a good week in many important ways so I cant really understand why I cant seem to snap out of this funk today. 

Ill start with the good.

I did well this week with exercise, today being day 5 in a row. I didn't go to the gym today so did elliptical at home, but I had decided yesterday that Fridays I would only be doing elliptical anyway, reserving the upper and lower body to Monday- Thursday. Fair enough I think. That combined with more mindful eating gave me a little bit of a win. I lost almost 3 pounds, and I'm determined to keep it off over the weekend. 

I went to bed early all week and got up early even without the aid of an alarm with the exception of the 6:30 AM day, but even that day I was kind of on my way out of sleep when it went off. I feel like I have slept well too, which is really unusual for me in general, so that's another win. 

I also had one job this week and even though it took hours beyond any reasonable time to edit them last night I was glad to have it. It felt good to be shooting again, and I have another lined up for Monday so that gives me something to look forward to as well. 

I finally got to the GYN Dr yesterday too, and have set up an appointment in 2 weeks to check my innards for anything icky. I am sure I'm fine though so that isn't worrying me. I just want to get it over with since its been a hanging issue from late July. While I was on the slab, I decided to go ahead and get tested for any and all STDs that exist. Just to be sure that R, having cheated on me and me really not being sure when that started, didn't give me something. I guess the fact that our sex life in the end was nearly zero (my choice entirely) was a good thing, although he might say that's part of what drove him into another woman's bed, but I digress...

Beth had her first meeting this week about getting a liver transplant, and allowed Elise to participate, which again, thank God for Elise. So much information was passed to them, and in spite of Johns best efforts, I just don't think he's capable of handling this at all. The good part of this is just the fact that the process has started at all. We will hopefully know within a few weeks if she is legitimately eligible for a transplant, but I keep thinking that they wouldn't have even gone this far if she wasn't at all. Also, she finally admitted that being at home tempts her to drink so John finally emptied the house of booze. Finally. At any rate, its a big process and all of our lives are going to be affected one way or another. 

We got a guy to come look at the house to paint it inside, so no more baby poo tan YAY!!! That really IS good news! Superficial yes, but I just hate looking at all this yellow. It makes me think of bile and dirt. Its funny too because there was a time when I had tan walls too..."Puma" to be exact! That and my Ox Blood Red wall in the dining room of my little house. I want my cool greys back. I think that will lighten my mood considerably. We also had another guy estimate some stone work out by the pool and grill areas. He came back with a number that's way too high so I don't know if that's going to happen, but hopefully we can do at least part of it. 

Finally, I'm buying a pinball machine!! Its official. Is it more money than I can really afford to let go of right now? Yes. It is, but I don't care. I want something nice that's just for me and that's it. Pinball makes me happy, and there is not a lot that does that these days. Renting one doesn't make sense at $225 per month. Its an investment that will not lose its value as long as I take care of it, which I will. 

That sounds a little like I'm trying to justify the purchase and maybe I am, but its my money and I'm tired of feeling like I'm under a microscope all the time. I cant even have a bad day without Elise asking if I need to see a fucking therapist. I know she means well and I appreciate it but for the love of god back the fuck off!!! 

I guess now I'm transitioning into the BAD...

 I'm hurting. I'm sad about R and Beth and the whole world. R is still calling me although since I've blocked him I only know about if if I unblock him long enough to check the history. I know he's sorry and I know he thinks he can fix it, but he cant. I will never be able to trust him again. He keeps telling me that I will have open access to all his things and while that's great, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I need to check his things. 

There was a time, as I have repeatedly written, when I would have done anything to make it work between us, but I have to keep reminding myself that I was unhappy with the relationship well before the cheating was discovered, and I wanted out. Now that I have what I wanted there are lots of days that I feel empty inside and want to talk to him so badly I just have to cry. Especially with all the rest of the shit that's going on. I want to just forget abut everything that was wrong and take him back, but I wont. I cant. I haven't even had a chance to see what else is out there. Even if nothing is, I still want that chance, and I still want to work on myself, by myself, before that. I'm not ready to run after another dude, and I cant see myself ever going back on a dating site although in the end that may be my only real option to meet a new person. That thought just exhausts me, and further depresses me. 

I guess that's at the heart of my bad feelings this week. I'm just sad, and lonely and I miss the part of R and me that was good, friendship or otherwise. I'm sad that he fucked it up and wouldn't do all the things he is claiming he will do now. Too little too late, and it literally makes my heart hurt. I feel like I don't have a best friend anymore. Yes I have friends and yes they care about me and of course they will be here for me in whatever capacity they can, its just not the same. I think I have realized  I never really knew how that felt before R, and that's what I miss the most.  

Ill survive it though, and hopefully not be so sad in time. I feel like the exercise, in spite of wanting to cry when I go to that gym, is helping my mind as well as my body and I will work hard to keep that going. It's the only thing that really makes me feel good inside these days. That and doing OK at pinball. Sounds silly I know but that's about all I have to work with. 

I will end todays post with being grateful. I am indeed lucky and grateful to have the support and concern of my sister Elise even when it drives me crazy. I am grateful to have my friends that I know care about me. I am grateful for my mom , and for being able to be here for her at this time in our lives. I'm grateful for my pups, and for being in a beautiful home that mom is willing to let me change to my liking. I'm grateful for my pinball group because every week its the only day I know I'm going to have fun for a couple of hours win or lose. I'm grateful that the gym I go to is so close and has everything I need to get myself in shape safely. Finally, I'm grateful that Beth is on a path to fix herself, and that in spite of her still trying to spin things into her dream world, there is no more hiding.

Good-Bad-Grateful. 

A "Normal" Day

 I woke up this morning by my alarm for the first time in a year. I have a shoot today! My second of the year so far and because I have been good about going to the gym this week I decided that I needed to get up and knock it out before the shoot. Just like a NORMAL day used to be. 

So 6:30 AM I was up and moving. I have had a yogurt and a protein shake, and Ill be out the door in less than 30 minutes. My only fear is that its going to be crowded at this time of day, but I will have to get over that because Im not a housewife that gets to decide to go to the gym at noon (like I have been). Im 51, single, and building my business back up. My days, when NORMAL will be just like this. 

I cant say exactly what has inspired me this week exactly but whatever it is, I am running with it...or elliptical-ling with it hehe...In any case, I feel good about myself this morning and just wanted to write that down. 

Make Your Garden Beautiful

 I feel pretty good today. I went to bed early last night and Friday night as well. Depression? Maybe a part of it, but I feel a change inside me that is coming on with or without a conscience effort, and that is a good thing because that change is to be better. 

Yesterday I wrote a lot about misery and saddens. Maybe I needed to do that because I feel purged today in a way that I haven't felt in a while. Its strange because I write often enough about that kind of thing but for some reason I really feel it today. As if my worry over the things I need to change is almost too much, because I'm starting to naturally just do it. 

Sometimes I think that when I focus on a problem, it actually becomes a bigger problem instead of making it better. Its that thing, (and I know I have written about this over the years), that happens to me when I purposely set out to deny myself of something in particular all in the name of being better, only to end up wanting it more than usual. In my experience, doing this only makes whatever issue it is worse. Its as if the denial itself ignites something in my brain that triggers a need for that thing, even when I wouldn't usually want it. Sometimes I think giving myself permission to have it, even if its just by way of making it available if wanted, makes my decision not to have it easier. 

One of the "worries" I've had is my morning routine. I've fretted about getting it back to a place where I put the gym in the number 1 slot of priorities, and as stated in previous posts, my night before intentions have not been followed through the morning  90% of the time, usually because I choose to make breakfast, then sit at my desk and do this or that, then before I know it 2 hours have gone by etc. etc...

Todays revelation came to me this morning standing in the kitchen. Mom was off to church and I was alone. I started into my usual routine of gathering things to make breakfast, and in the middle of it I found myself thinking about what my life has been like for the past 3 years where most Sunday mornings were spent making breakfast for R and I. Even after moving up here Sunday was our alone time in the morning and I always wanted to make him breakfast. It was our routine, and 9 times out of 10 I don't even think I was hungry yet, I just did it anyway. 

In the midst of these thoughts I paused and literally said outload to myself, "Am I actually hungry?" The answer was "NO." so instead of making something to eat, I made some tea, and sat in a sunny spot in the den. I sipped my tea and read through some articles. The house was blissfully quiet, and I thought to myself, OK, this is what you need to be doing every time you get into that kitchen. Think it through, assess yourself, then make a decision. There is no right or wrong, its are you hungry or not. Simple. 

Then I realized as I was looking through my food log I had done the same thing on Friday and Saturday with meals, drinks, and snacks. Both nights before I  had a drink I asked myself do you really want a "drink", or do you just want some water because you are actually just thirsty? Are you really hungry for that snack? Are you still hungry? And both nights I notably drank much less and either didn't snack at all, or very little. Also, both nights when I would normally almost force myself to stay up late even when I'm tired just because its the weekend, when I was tired, I just went to bed. Today I can honestly say I notice the difference. In just 2 days of taking an extra few seconds to assess my real need or want for something, but not through complete denial, I have managed to do better.

I think that qualifies as a win, especially considering the funk I've been in. I'm glad I feel better today and I am going to try and pull that feeling through to tomorrow, and the next day and the next.

 Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to create a beautiful garden and I've come across a great big rock. I can see it having a place in landscape, but its not in the right spot. I try to move it in a hurry and it wont budge. I turn to find help and there is none, so I leave it there but it never look's right so I try moving it again. I shove it and pull at it. I scream at it and kick it to no avail. Then one day I figure out a way to roll it but even then, it is so hard I can only manage to move it a small amount a day, and some days it slides backwards. I give up, then I try again. and eventually I make progress. That's my life.  I'm moving a rock. Each day making a huge effort just to turn it over once if at all, but still getting it ever closer to the sunny spot garden where I want  it to live. 

Time

 My grandmother, Menemy, used to say, "The days may crawl but the years fly by.." That could not be more true. 

Lately time has not been on my side. In one way, I feel like I've had too much time on my hands, trying to fill it with things that keep my mind and body occupied. I have turned the garden and gotten it all prepared for the spring plants. I have replaced the curtains in the upstairs den. I have gone to pick out stone for the possible new patio. I have trimmed the neighbors trees away from the fence. I have hiked, and walked, and on the occasion, gone to the gym. Some days are more productive than others, but it seems like even when I do accomplish something my mind is yelling at me for putting off the other really more important things. Then I feel like I'm failing, and it feels like I just don't have enough time. 

My choices day to day have been haphazard, mostly I think because I have no plan. I have PLEANTY that I need to be doing but I'm not motivated to do it. Its not that I don't want to do things, I like being busy, its just that when I wake up, the most routine thing I do daily is make breakfast, which depending on weather mom wants some too means my morning doesn't get started before 10:00 AM or later. After that I make choices, and lately those have been doing physical things rather than going to my office, sitting down, and actually working. I tell myself, "next week is going to be bad weather so Ill do the office stuff then." 

I feel the need to be outside when its sunny, or active when I need to be sitting at my desk, thereby blowing off the things that happen indoors, like studying for the UAC license. I paid $300 for a program and have yet to complete the first lesson. I have taxes to do. I have business cards to re-order. I have a marketing plan to start to get new business. I need to update my spreadsheet for 2022. I need to balance my checkbook. So many things to do and I'll go into the office, sit down, and somehow just get distracted. I find myself browsing the pinball machines for sale, or looking at other peoples lives on Facebook, or organizing the ever growing pile of papers on my desk, or writing in this blog. If I take a break and go upstairs its 30 minutes or longer before I get back because mom will stop me to look at something or do something or fix something, then suddenly its 4:00 and I feel like my day is coming to a close and its too late to start something else. Then its over and the next day begins and suddenly its the middle of March, and I'm still where I was 3 months ago. Nowhere. 

I also have been having a really hard time making myself go to the new gym. I feel SO awkward there. I just saw my second months payment hit my account and I don't think I've been 14 times. I had a good start, then faltered. I go to bed at night thinking, "tomorrow I'll get up, have a protein shake, wait 30 minutes then go to the gym." Then I get up, decide to have my routine breakfast (a delicious sandwich I make from an English muffin, turkey bacon, and a little light cream cheese, a yogurt, and fruit) then I'll make up my bed and dress to work out with every intention of going, but instead I let things get in the way, and suddenly its 4:00 again and I feel like its too late. I have a routine in place but its the wrong one. 

I used to be really good at managing my time. I definitely had a routine. Its always been necessary for me, which is why it really was amazing for me to actually be able to have a successful business finally since I have to make myself do all these things in a timely manner. Its funny when I think back on when it started to go off the rails I think back to 2019 when I met R. 

For a very long time...I mean decades, I have kept a calendar of my bills, and routinely sat down, managing when to pay things and balancing my books. Updating my P/L spreadsheet was added when I finally got a real business going. I worked on that thing for years building it from scratch and tweaking it so that at the end of each year I would have things added up in a summary page where I could see all my monthly earnings, expenses, and taxes. I was really proud of that actually. But in the spring of 2019 I remember distinctly suddenly realizing that I had not updated things in a couple of months. I got back on track some, but slowly over the rest of that year it got worse and worse. it was like my routines had changed because of my relationship, and I don't really know why. 

I guess part of it could have been because I was REALLY busy with work in 2019, and even though before I met R I had a social life, I did spend time every weekend doing paperwork. I also spent what free evenings I had doing it as well if I wasn't editing from the days shooting. At my busiest there were many days when I got up at 6:00, was at the gym by 7:00, leaving from there to shoot. Id get back home, do my editing, eating dinner usually while working at my desk, and a lot of times not finishing until after 10:00 PM. Them, happily exhausted Id go to bed and do it all over again the next day. 

Maybe the bad routine started before the relationship, just in a slower way. Like I wasn't going to my gym anymore in 2018 or 2019. In fact I think I stopped the gym altogether in the spring of 2015 after my second surgery. I couldn't afford my trainer anymore, and didn't like the gym she had moved to, plus I had everything at home that I needed so I started doing it there. Things were going well for a while, but that routine changed. I wasn't making time for the extras.  Sure I was working out at home, but had gone from doing cardio and weights regularly, to cardio only throwing weights in here and there but never really getting back to where I had been before. I cant remember exactly, but I think I was actually considering going back to the Wellness center at the beginning of 2019, then I met R, and just never got there. 

Nothing about this is his fault mind you. I guess I just had been so established in this routine that anything different in it messed it up. I know starting in 2016 I had more and more of my own paperwork to do because instead of being sent locations to shoot by Home Tour America, I had more of my own clients and that required doing orders, scheduling things by mapping them out, billing, and then keeping track of everything. By 2018 when I was really doing well I think my routines started slipping even more. I was doing my paperwork in the mornings so that extra 30 minutes that I needed in the "gym" wasn't happening. I don't think I really noticed it until 2019, and I know like every year I had the best of intentions to get it all back in order, it just never happened. Yes in the spring of 2020 it WAS happening again, FINALLY, and then POUF! Pandemic, and the last 2 years of completely fucked up shit. Now here we are. 

Time is precious. I know it now more than ever and still I find myself drifting. I feel lost up here. Its not that I don't want to be here, I do, its just I thought Id be doing it with someone else I guess, and more than that, I thought my life would basically be the same so it wouldn't be such a difficult adjustment. That being said, I am here so I have to get it together. Its like I need to plan to make a plan in order to actually have a plan!! UGH!

So what's stopping me? What is at the core of me being so scattered? Well, I think a few things and all of them have to do with bad habits as well as lack of self control and discipline. What's funny is the days I have had "work", I snap back into that old mindset. I go to bed early, I get up and work out, I go to my job, come home and edit etc.. Its the days that I'm not working, which have been the majority of my time here so far, that I get scattered. Its like I know that there is no time frame to follow so I don't plan, or if I do, I tell myself Ill do it in an hour, then that hour becomes two, then the day is over and it doesn't happen. 

Also, at the moment I am monumentally depressed. Like enough that I don't want to get out of bed sometimes. So many bad things are happening, not just in my own world but in the actual world itself. Russia has attacked Ukraine, and is trying to bait the US into starting the 3rd world war. Seriously. Its here. That time that I was so obsessed with as a kid is here. The possibility of actual nuclear war, not to mention chemical and cyber attacks is very real and very close. Vladimir Putin, Russia's president, is a crazy, narcissistic psychopath and I believe with everything in me that he doesn't care if he dies, or the whole world dies, so he really has nothing to lose. I believe he also thinks our sitting president is a joke, and doesn't have the balls to stand up to him so he's literally just bombarding this poor country. Men, women , children, animals. No one is safe or spared. His own people (not all of them obviously) don't even agree with what he's doing, not to mention the rest of the world with the exception of one great big country, China and THAT is where I REALLY get worried because China is lead by another crazy person that doesn't care about anyone or anything except power.

 
We as a country are issuing sanctions and such, but no military support yet. Meanwhile the rest of the free world watches and waits to see what "the West" will do, and I am left dumbfounded as to why the US is ALWYAS the one that is supposed to fix the rest of the world with no help from any other countries. I mean, isn't that what NATO is supposed to be about? Our own country is is terrible trouble. We are a divided nation and its only getting worse. I had hoped that when Covid started to decline (which is looks like it finally is) that the US would have some time to recover and get right within itself again, but it looks like Russia and China have decided to kick us and the rest of the world while were down. Typical bully. 

This kind of stuff used to keep me awake at night as a kid, literally. Now as an adult, watching it actually unfold it seems like a bad dream only you never wake up. If my own life was going better I think I could find a way to cope that was healthier than the choices I seem to be making, but its so messed up right now I'm reaching for every creature comfort I can get my hands on. Healthy or not. 

The latest mess that's finally coming to a head in my family is Beth. Last week she was hospitalized again for the fluid retention on her abdomen, and Elise, thank God, decided to go to the hospital and sit there until she got to see a Dr.. John was there too, and when they finally got to see a Liver Dr, (at the request specifically by Elise) John finally was yanked out of the bubble he has been in since she was diagnosed in 2019. He heard it from the Dr himself, and I know had to be so shocked because turns out, as suspected, Beth ha been lying to all of us for years about her Dr visits and how she's doing. In fact, she had told John after the January hospital stay, that the Dr thought she was going to recover but it would likely take about 6 months. So all this time he's been thinking she was OK. Or at least that she was going to be OK, when the truth is, she is as about as close to death as my dad was in 2014, which is unreal. Beth, John and Elise sat there and listened to this liver Dr tell them that she has one hope, and that's a liver transplant. Johns reaction was one of stupor, repeating over and over that he thought her numbers were improving and what about what the Dr said in January blah blah blah. Evidently the Dr was very blunt and I glad because it needed to happen. Beth would have died before she let any of us in on the reality of her condition, even her own husband. 

Now that the jig is up, I can only hope she remains transparent about what's happening with her, because she has zero chance if not. The Dr told Jon point blank he had to quit drinking immediately, and that they both had to start alcohol counseling if they had any hope of her even being considered for a transplant. Fortunately, in spite of his shock Johns light finally turned on and they are supposed to be starting this process next week. We are all hoping and praying that it will stick and that she will be eligible for a transplant. There are other factors that may make her ineligible, but we will have to cross that road when it happens. We, the rest of the family, are charged with being supportive, and of course, never drinking around them again. This is going to be life changing for them. All of their friends are heavy drinkers and while I think its possible to stay friends with people who are drinkers when you aren't, I'm not sure in this case that is going to happen. I am hoping and praying for the best  but I feel helpless too. I am having my own struggles in that area. 

After Beths episode in January I decided to go to my PCP Dr and ask for full blood work up of tests. I kept thinking about all the years of heavy drinking, on top of just being heavy in general, and thought there is no way I'm not at risk of this same thing too. Turned out Im ok after all, BUT, there are numbers that are higher than they were when they were taken in 2019, and the significant spike started in 2020. So yeah, Im OK now, but I definitely need to make changes to keep it that way because I don't want to end up in her shoes.

Beth is miserable. I think she thought she was just going to live her life the way she wanted to and one day she would just die in her sleep. That, unfortunately, is not how it works. She can only have a small amount of water (water ONLY) a day because her kidneys and liver are not filtering it so that plus the organs leaking fluids are causing the build up in her abdomen and legs, which right now is having to be drained off at the rate of about 6 liters at a time every 5 days. She's also restricted to 2mg of sodium per day...2 mg is less than occurs naturally in a egg so trying to manage that is going to be very hard given the fact that she also has to manage her Crones too. She also is struggling to work even though they have said they actually don't want here there because she's so ill, but if she stays home she's putting herself at risk to fail, although I really hope now that John knows what's really going on that the house is empty of alcohol now. Beyond that she cant do what she used to love, drink. If she could drink staying home all day would be just fine. She would plow through books drunk as a skunk. Now she says she doesn't even like reading anymore. Her favorite thing in the world are books, and because she associates drinking with reading its just not the same anymore. Its so sad. Its all so very sad. 

All of this sadness is so overwhelming to me I don't know where to turn. I feel isolated, scared, and unsure of myself. I get embarrassed at the gym so I'm really finding it hard to motivate myself to go, even though the work out makes me feel good afterwards. I still love playing pinball, but I feel foolish because I'm still so bad at it even after renting a machine for almost 3 months now. I want to get better at it and I feel like I'm just not. I had hoped that playing pinball would turn into a bigger social activity but that would require me to participate in regular REAL tournaments, and I am no where near good enough for that yet. I was even considering doing one that is happening tomorrow at Portal, just to go and be involved, but I am so scared to make a fool of myself I know I wont go. 

On top of that my money is running out and I have had exactly one job this year so far. The elbows being broken on top of my back issues have held me back from perusing things for fear of not being able to physically do them, and the drone idea is just that, an idea that is still simmering on the back burner. I just need something to go right and I realize that I am in charge of that, but it does feel like no matter what choices I make they are the wrong ones, or I chicken out of the right ones.  

I've thought a little about going back on line to meet new men, and then I look in the mirror and think...no way. I look like a fat old lady. 

I'm so lonely and even though I spent the majority of my life just like this it seems different now. I have had thoughts of R and how much I wish we could work it out again, but I know that's false hope and that R is a liar. He has continued to send me texts and even packages. I blocked him on my phone because the texts had finally turned to phone calls last Monday which I was rejecting, but I still am checking once a day to see if he's in my blocked calls. Its like I want him gone, but I miss seeing him at least try to contact me.  Yesterday I got tulips and a box with the clothes (well, some of them) that I mailed to him. The note in that box was hand written, and clearly in a hurry. It looked like a 5 year old wrote it and contained nothing new. 

I know I wont give in to R. I don't even like him anymore. I miss the part of us that was fun, which really boiled down to getting fucked up together on the weekends. Every other part was just a hassle. An expensive headache that never seemed to reward me with anything but more headache and grief. In spite of that I do still find myself missing him, or missing the presence of another human being in my life. My mom is here of course but its not the same. If we could at least watch the same movie together it might help, but there are only so many "feel good" movies out there that I can put up with. I think she's been happier with R gone, but I don't think she wants me to be alone. It will be hard to ever meet and date a new person in my situation I know. I made this choice though and I have to see it through. I mean I really do want this life, I just want to be working full time, making money and having a full life of friendships and hopefully a relationship that will fit in to this life. lately though it feels like time is running out. 

The world is spinning into what seems like its final turn and I sit here alone trying to have hope for a future that may not even exist. I know I should just try to focus on what good I do have and let go of the things I want to have. That feels like giving up though which also makes me fucking sad. I don't know what to do. Every day in spite of the list of things I have to do I find myself without direction. I am wandering in the dark crying out for help but there is none to be had. I am begging the universe to be kind to me and give me a push toward the path I need to take. I am praying to God to help me be at peace and enjoy what I have already, but work hard for the things I want. I am  constantly trying to convince myself to do better. Do better, get better. Do better, get better. That's how its supposed to work, but every day even the good ones, I just seem to run out of time and accomplish so little. I need time. Im not ready for the world to end. I want time to have a relationship and experience that in my life for real. I want time to really be successful. I want to build a life that I will look back on and be happy and grateful for all the wonderful times I had. 

Its not as if I were to die tomorrow that I cant say I had a good life. I have in many ways, but I have also lived my entire life feeling like something is missing in me, and I have put having a relationship, or just relationships with people in general, including friendships, at the top of the list of what is important to me. To be loved. To be well liked by my peers. To be respected in my business. To be happy.  

In spite of my sadness and depression I still have hope I will have this one day. I think, although more and more challenging the older I get, its still possible for me. I just hope that the world will give me time.